Hi,
We're currently participating in the couples seminar. We're struggling a lot with my husband's undertreated ADHD. My husband has had difficulty sustaining long term employment due to ADHD behaviors / poor executive skills. About 5 years ago, when he was out of work, again, we decided to make lemonade out of lemons and try having him homeschool our kids, who were 9 and 2 at the time because private school wasn't an option and we weren't happy with our public school. We didn't know about the ADHD at the time. Our eldest has aspergers and some aspects of ADHD (which we also didn't know at the time). Our youngest has blessedly been neurotypical.
It hasn't been very successful, in a lot of ways. My husband and my eldest have fought a LOT. They are unkind to one another. My eldest needs structure - my ADHD husband abhors it. My eldest can be quite inflexible and argumentative. My husband either retreats and refuses to teach him, or blows up at him. My house has a lot of discord. My husband doesn't have the skills to plan out a lesson, let alone a week or a year's curriculum. Rather, he prefers to teach what comes to mind, if anything. This results in my children not getting the kind of education I feel they need. It has also resulted in considerable extra effort for me as I have tried, more and more, to manage it and to compensate for my spouse. My husband and I are fighting a lot, too.
We face many ADHD issues in our marriage (messiness, sleep schedules, distractability, reliability, etc, etc) but by far the biggest cause of discord at this point is what I see as the effect of my husband's behavior on our children. Naturally, he doesn't imagine his behavior impacts them in the way I believe it does. Additionally, he lacks the skills (he can't show them how to plan out a science project and work on it for a few weeks, no way!) and follow through to make a long term meaningful improvement. Just today I learned that my youngest, now 6, is treating his playmates badly - speaking to them unkindly in ways that to me appear to mirror what he watches his father and brother do on a nearly daily basis. It's just one more thing.
I'm strongly considering giving up homeschooling and sending the kids to public school. I am exhausted and need the help (from a professional teacher) and I am concerned they aren't getting enough education and enough organizational skills at home, in addition to the fighting and poor modeling happening in our house. I am really sad about this because we were very committed to homeschooling and I really wanted this for my children, neither of whom are eager to go to public school, and both of whom have close friendships in the homeschooling community that would likely be strained by the change. Nonetheless I am plagued by constant worry that although we chose to homeschool our children because we thought it would be better for them, because my spouse's ADHD was undiagnosed and has remained way under treated, that we've unwittingly done them a great disservice and that public school, while not ideal, may very well be better for them than this.
My husband, understandably, does not want to be "fired" from another job (homeschooling dad) and doesn't want to have failed again. He argues with me that homeschooling is way better for them and that school would be a bad choice. I personally think homeschooling could and SHOULD be better for them, but being homeschooled this way ISN'T better for them.
I'm really sad and really frustrated and really at a loss of what to do. I can't just step back and continue to let my spouse teach them however he wants - I've seen the results and I'm just not ok with these results as a mother of my 2 children. I can't pick up all the slack and have a full time executive job AND homeschool them myself and constantly try to be a buffer between spouse and eldest. I've tried to compensate for my spouse's difficulties a LOT (and I am exhausted and it's not enough). I don't want to be the one to "fire" my spouse. But I need to be a good mother to my kids...
P.S. My spouse getting another job would probably be difficult. His work history is marred by the gap in employment and job losses, and he has struggled to invest the energy to pursue finding another job in the past, instead avoiding much of the job hunting process. Daycare before and after school and in summer would become an issue at our house again if he did get a job, and would likely eat up much of his earnings.
:(
Homeschooling
Submitted by MomNWife on
Our situation is similar to yours - I work full-time outside the home and DH is a Stay-at-home Dad. We just discovered that DH has ADHD about 3 months ago. We have been homeschooling our kids for the last 6 years. The curriculum we use doesn't require much teacher interaction, so the kids are getting a good education. The biggest frustration that I have with DH being the "teacher" is the lack of accountability for the kids. If they aren't doing the work, it is up to me to find out and attempt to enforce some consequences as DH does not supervise and let's them go play with friends even if they aren't done with their work.
(links removed)
Thank you for posting
Submitted by kasparl on
Hi! It was really unexpected for me to hear from another person with such similar issues. I am with you - accountability for the kids all falls on me - exhausting!!!!
Thank you so much for sharing your curriculum ideas - that was very thoughtful and helpful. How did you all end up homeschooling? Are you in the current class? It might be nice to trade email addresses at some point. So nice to not feel all alone!
I hope you have a wonderful day!!
Laura
Homeschooling
Submitted by MomNWife on
We ended up homeschooling about 6 yrs ago when my sons were not being challenged in their elementary school. We had no idea at the time that DH had ADHD (only realized it about 9 months ago). We aren't in the current class. My DH is in denial :-( I wouldn't mind exchanging e-mail addresses.
Same Boat
Submitted by Cindy E. on
Just reading through some posts looking for support, I wonder how you are doing?
We have similar issues. My husband is retired firefighter, SAHD, and Homeschools our 2 children, 7 and 5. Has for almost 2 years. I am the breadwinner and have to work. He constantly reminds me this wasn't his choice to homeschool, but says he also supports it, reluctantly. My husband was diagnosed 4 years ago, but we knew he had ADHD. He just didn't want to treat it. So now he treats it somewhat, seeing a counselor occasionally and taking medication intermittently. It isn't the best, but it is something, about all I can ask for. Our marriage has been on the verge of collapse for nearly 5 years. My consistent anger towards him add fuel to the flames. Now, through in homeschooling!
I struggle, a lot, with the marriage, the kids, and the weight of the family on me, being the non-ADHD spouse. For schooling, I get extracurricular activities planned, I develop weekly curriculum, he implements. I need him to deliver. Public schools look better on a lot of days, but then I remember why we homeschool.
However, we had some major wins this year that give me some hope. We school 3 days a week. I hired a college student nearby to come in 1 or 2 day a week for 2 hours, like a teacher's aide. She has been with us since July. My husband was extremely ticked at first, but I sold it as an assistant, reminding him they are our kids and he is ultimately responsible. Her personality has really helped him to focus and stay on task, and I can see some of it spilling over to other days. I don't pay her much either. My kids also comment on how less my husband yells. It is helping.
Secondly, we switched curriculum to Christian Light for our Math, Language Arts and Reading. This has been a BLESSING because they are consumable workbooks. My kids are routinely completing a majority of that work independently, requiring less "teaching" from my husband.
Third, I started a blog that lists what they kids should do each day of the school days. This helps my husband check off his duties, the kids have even been able o look at the day and see what to do. I can update it anywhere, anytime online.
Lastly, I switched the school days to only make him responsible for 1 day now. While I am resentful that I have to work and teach the children, I do it for them. I school them on my work at home day and Saturdays, my husband gets Mondays and extracurricular activities.
We still struggle with him getting off track, but thinking out of the box and trying to adjust to some of his weakness have helped. While we still have some bad days, I still see my kids learning better at home than at school. I would just tell you to have some hope and remember why you are homeschooling. Find creative ways to adapt to weaknesses. This will really help you adapt to what works best for your situation.
Two Considerations
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
Hello, I came across your posts while searching for something else on the site. Some background: My husband has severe ADHD and anxiety. My oldest was initially viewed as a smart, quiet little boy and did not get his ADHD diagnosis until 10th grade--though looking back, it explains so much. My youngest was seen as charming and outgoing and lazy--he finally was diagnosed with Dyslexia in 7th grade and with ADHD in 10th--again, looking back, this explains his sometimes explosive temper when confronted with work that overwhelmed him. BTW The older my kids got, the more Dad trying to "teach" them something became like walking through land mines.
1. Respectfully, please be open to your children showing signs, especially as they get older, of ADHD or "quiet" ADHD, or Dyslexia--either with processing sounds in order to spell correctly, or in reading (and know a smart kid with Dyslexia can memorize how words look without being able to sound them out--something that won't be clear until vocabulary gets more complicated). These challenges are on the spectrum with ADHD--it's not unusual to have more than one condition. And that ADHD gene is VERY much inherited. If you are another non-ADHD, Type A Mom, like me, you may be so busy "fixing" everything that you miss these signs in your children. Hope not, but please have your eyes open to this, so you can give them the supports they may need.
2. Under United States law, you have the right to a free and appropriate education for your children. The key word is "appropriate". So, should your kids inherit the genes, and need educational support, it is there for your taking. This could take the form of tutoring or even placement of your children in a private school with your Board of Education paying the tuition. This isn't easy, but it can be done. I put it all together too late for my oldest, but have successfully sued my Board of Ed to pay the tuition for my youngest at a fantastic private school for smart kids with Learning Disabilities. It is a reliqious school, BTW, though not why I send him there. If you ever go this route, there are organizations to offer advice. Also know, that many Public School teachers and staff are not trained to spot either ADHD or the more subtle forms of Dyslexia--especially when kids are otherwise bright and so can be deemed "lazy" rather than struggling with "invisible disabilities" like Executive Function problems, etc.. So if your Board of Ed either tries to push aside your concerns or says there is nothing wrong--then it's time to get outside evaluations and legal help. Again, I hope you don't need this advice. But if someone gave it to me when my kids were younger, it would have helped them SO much.
Here's to a better new year for all us Moms, yes?
PS There are specific, very helpful, strategies for how to most effectively teach a student with ADHD...or Dyslexia...or Asperger's...or some combination. Those approaches can both give the child ways to access the material and ways to approach learning throughout his/her life. The true experts in these fields are life-savers. I could never do what they do. My ADHD husband certainly could not. In fact, I often wonder how my husband's life might have been less painful, were he educated by those trained to understand his disability.
Kids, ADHD and Dyslex
Submitted by MomNWife on
My 16yo (10th grade) has the inattentive type ADHD. I was suspicious of it back in 7th grade and mentioned it to his co-op teacher. She didn't think he had it (probably because she is so used to boys having the hyperactive type). My 14yo (9th grade) has the hyperactive type, but manages quite well. I have an adopted 11yo that has dyslexia (and possibly inattentive ADHD). I have wondered at times about the 16yo having mild dyslexia, but have never been able to convince myself. Unfortunately our school system is terrible for "different" kids (gifted, challenged, etc). So even though FAPE is "required". It is nearly impossible to get.
All but the 11yo are doing well in school. She has other challenges as well, but we are working to help her reach her potential.
Wishing you well with your kids
Submitted by CosmicJoke on
When it comes to educating LD children, we have so much on our plates. You have my empathy, for what it's worth.j
My school district is terrible--that's why I sued them and got my son into a private school for the learning challenged. The first few times I tried to get Board of Ed help, they told me my child had no issues. Then I got a private psych eval. The wonderful psychologist came with me to the next meeting, presented her findings and challenged the teachers' evaluation. Then a lawyer who specializes in such cases helped me sue the Department of Education on the grounds that the school's evaluation was inaccurate and their attempt to educate him was failing their responsibilities to him.
The private school for LD kids understands the benefits of hands-on learning in small groups; how discussion is a more effective way for some kids to absorb material than via computer or otherwise isolating experiences; they teach self-advocacy strategies for coping with disability including how to identify and navigate learning supports in college; they arrange the curriculum by chunking and other teaching strategies to manage executive functioning challenges; provide supportive technology for dyslexics such as speech-to-text programs. In addition, all of the teachers are either non-ADHD and very patient...or ADHD and role models for how adults can use knowledge and self-advocacy to follow their dreams.
The more I've been forced to learn about all of this, the more I understand that kids with these issues need teachers trained to support them and organize subjects in ways their brains can access. The experience has meant so much to my younger son that his life's ambition is now to teach Dyslexic and ADHD teens.
Again, warmest wishes. I feel compelled to share this because my older son suffered from my ignorance--there was a big, humbling learning curve before I understood what my kids needed.