Hi, this is my first time posting although I've been reading a lot of the posts. My husband of 7 years was diagnosed with severe combined type ADHD in 2020 (after a 5/6 year long wait for an assessment, UK). I was also diagnosed autistic in 2022 after long expecting it)
Quick backstory - whirlwind 'hyperfocus' romance, it was beautiful, everything I've ever wanted in a relationship and I'd never felt so close to another human being. He was my best friend, my favourite person, he was kind and thoughtful and fun and accepting. We very quickly got pregnant and as soon as our baby was born things just didn't feel right. He made dangerous mistakes with the baby, over and over no matter how I tried to teach him. He said he didn't love the baby and was constantly trying to get away from us. I was frightened at the change, had terrible PPA and an ever growing sense of something not being right here. I took full responsibility of the baby and did any and all parenting. I began reading and found adult ADHD which was like a light bulb! I asked him about his younger years and was really shocked to find out a number of risky impulsive 'incidents' that seemed to have all been laughed off by his family. So he really had no sense that the way he lived his life seemed quite crazy to others at all. Running up thousands in debt, spending £7K on the game candy crush, a new expensive hobby every week that never lasted. Cars he couldn't afford, everything on credit, nothing paid back. All while still living with his parents. He had 'started a business' and I think they assumed the money was coming from that. However, the business didn't make money, it was never run properly and in fact he was committing VAT fraud while playing computer games all day long. (I didn't know this until after we had the baby). I was also deceived into thinking his income was coming from his 'successful' business, which we built an office for in my house.
So I've noticed him becoming really quite 'selfish' and uninterested in me or the baby. There were a few fights about this, I was deeply hurt that he obviously wasn't going to be the dad I thought he would or the husband I thought he would. We discussed this and he said he was just frightened and it would get better. Then comes a surprise pregnancy when first baby had only just turned 1. We (or I, as he didn't pay much attention to him, had realised there was something developmentally going on with first baby). It was scary times, I felt overwhelmed having another baby and then the real kicker....... at 9 weeks pregnant he burst into the room and told me about the VAT fraud and that he thinks he's been caught!!! This was the first I knew of it, I thought he'd been sitting in the office we built working hard for his family, but really he had been writing websites, making pod casts, binge eating etc etc. So obviously my world is rocked. Special needs 1yr old and 9 weeks pregnant and just discovered that my husband had been lying to face about something huge, over and over and over. The betrayal and my devastation was so huge I don't even have the words for it. So while he's off researching how to fight in prison (helpful). I had to do hours and hours of research to find what possible options we had. I found something that would at least keep him out of prison. At this point I'm searching abortion clinics because I was so frightened of the future I didn't think it was a good idea to bring another baby into it. But he begged and promised that it would all be different and he would step up this time and it definitely wouldn't be like last time blah blah blah. So I believed him. Had the second baby when the first baby was 21m.
Of course, absolutely nothing was different at all and I spent the hardest year of my life raising an autistic toddler who didn't sleep and baby (who we now know is autistic and has ADHD) who also didn't sleep. I had so little sleep that my hair was falling out and I don't really remember much of that year at all. And I did it all on my own. He was in the house, he just couldn't bring himself to do anything helpful or useful. I started to think of him as a passive observer to my struggling life. Obviously their were lots of fights.... well me trying to communicate my needs and him arguing at me and gaslighting me. So after a while I just shut down. I still did everything for him, overfunctioned and was basically his mother, while getting on with what my boys needed and diagnosis and school choices and Sen clubs and all those things. I wasn't having any of my needs met and I also couldn't voice them as it would start the gaslighting and being argued at about how I was wrong to feel that way.
He got a full time job which he loved and became his hyperfocus and was very successful. His life now consisted of leaving for work 3 hours earlier than he needed to be there (to miss the morning routine of children) staying until around the childrens bedtime and then he would sit on the PlayStation for 8 hours a night, go to bed, repeat. He had zero other responsibilities, I'd long since given up trying to get him to empty the bin. I did the shopping, cooked all his meals, packed his lunches, did all the budgeting/paying bills, the washing, the cleaning, the childcare.... basically anything and everything involved in running a home
Life sort of bumbled along. Not what I expected of a partnership and I felt lonely and sad but ok in general, if you know what I mean, peaceful. Well peaceful as long as I didn't ask him for anything or voice any of my needs. When youngest was 4 I found out I was going into premature ovarian failure and we discussed trying to have one more (on the basis that we already lived as though the children were MINE, he didn't have to do anything or help in anyway) so really the baby was for me..... comfort for me and me finally getting a need met. I was over the moon. We now have a 4 month old boy who is just amazing and an absolute joy for me. My bit of happiness and I'm so used to doing it on my own that I really don't mind it anymore.
So husband got diagnosed (I think he was shocked as he thought all his previous behaviour and actions were perfectly normal) then there was a bit of a wait for meds. He started meds about 8 months ago. At first they seemed amazing! He was actually talking to the kids! Playing minecraft with them! He was talking to me, in our conversations he began to take a step back and I got my first actual genuine apology from him! I had so much hope. So the first 3/4 months were amazing. We started to become friends again and were able to actually speak.
But then something happened. He became moody, irritated, didn't want to be around the children at all. Constantly starting horrid arguments with me if I ever expressed that I felt hurt by something he did. He was full of rage. The gaslighting has reached new heights, it's unbearable now. The rewriting history, the saying things then seconds later denying he ever said it and how dare I say he did. Every single communication was met with deflecting/denial/anger/ gaslighting and eventually blame. It was all my fault. He started punching holes in walls and punching door frames etc. screaming at the children. His mood swings were crazy.
This was all weeks before the 3rd baby was born. I insisted on counselling, found him an apparent specialist in ADHD. Well, this seems to have only made it all worse! I'm pretty sure he's sitting in there telling his 'denial' version of his life.
Then my mother died, it was complicated, I have a lot of childhood trauma and I was struggling for a bit. This was not good news because whenever I need something from him (in this case a bit of emotional support, to talk about it, a bit of thoughtfulness) he becomes really cold and nasty. I told him I needed support and he said I've got nothing to give you.
Things started to get so crazy I had to sit him down calmly and say we are worried about you I don't thing every thing is ok with you. I think you need to seek some help with what's going on here. He said he felt his meds were working fine his adhd was under control so there is no point. So I pushed a bit further and gave him descriptions of how he was acting and the impact it was having on all of us. So he said if I'm this awful monster then I will leave. And he left.
I didn't know where he was, he was ignoring my calls and messages, I didn't know what to tell the children. After a few days his Dad suggested I wait out side his work to force him to speak with me. Anyway, that didn't go down well. He point blank refused to tell me where he was staying. I was crying and said is it with another woman? He said no but still wouldn't tell me to put my mind at rest. I told him I love him, all I wanted was for him to get some help. He said he can't be a husband or a father anymore. He said he apparently had this big epiphany where he saw how he was treating us and couldn't be the person to come back and hurt us anymore. But really this was said with anger and felt like 'how dare you tell me I'm not perfect' and the whole thing felt like a punishment really. He didn't even ask about the children and wasn't in the slightest concerned about me. It was all poor me poor me poor me. When I got home I realised I could do the find my iPhone thing to see where he was. So I knew but I didn't know who's flat it was or anything.
Anyway, after a few weeks I said will you at least speak to me and if so we can both bring things to the discussion that we feel are important. He said yes he would come over after the boys were in bed next week. I then didn't have any more communication from him until he turned up.
We each had a list, mine were things like spend 15 minutes a day playing with the children. Give me one night a week to spend time with me. Address these mood swings. His list was I want more money to spend on myself and things I want. A large chunk of the budget that I would have to scrape from somewhere else! Any way, he then said he had taken out a £7.5k loan in the weeks we were apart. This frightened me, I expressed that, he got angry. Then he said he never actually got the money (I think probably a lie) so I said can we leave it here for tonight please. I'd reached my limit of trying to suppress all my own emotions so I wouldn't set him off. He said yes but didn't make a move to get up. I repeated myself. He said what??? You're expecting me to leave?? I said we'll yes, we arranged to have a chat and see if we could get anywhere, that was all. Well, he'd just assumed he was coming home and not even bothered to tell me and was now livid with me that I wasn't aware of his inner thoughts, as like I say, I hadn't heard from him since it was arranged. I tried to explain that I had no way of knowing that information. But he just went off at me. I was so confused by the end I questioned should I somehow have know? I ended up apologising for not knowing. It was 4am by this point and I just needed it all to stop.
So that was it, he had come home. But his attitude and demeanour was screaming he didn't want to be here! He said the children are too overwhelming. He can see himself ignoring them and that makes him feel guilty so he can't be in the same room as them. So he ended up spending the entire weekend in bed, until I had got them all to bed at which point he got up to play PlayStation all night.
On the Sunday night I was quite frustrated as this is not what we agreed on. I said can we have a talk please. Well, I'm sure you all imagine how that went. I was the awful one for not being supportive of him and his new found issue of not being able to stand being in the same room as the children. At this point I'm thinking why is he here? He clearly doesn't want to be!
Anyway, a few days later he sent me a message 'oh forgot to say, I've got an incredible amount of work to do here so I'll stay on late tonight'. Ok, fair enough. It gets to 10pm and I message, no answer. I ring,no answer. I did the check my iPhone thing and it was showing as being at the flat he was staying in when he left at 5.20pm that day! I'm confused, ringing him more, no answer. Went to his work, no car there. I'm starting to really panic. Has he left again and just not said anything? Has he killed himself?! Or is that flat a woman's and I was right all along. Anyway, seconds away from calling the police he messages me saying I'm driving, bit extreme, I told you I had a meeting.
Well, no he did not tell me that, he specifically said he was staying late at work because he had so much to do. What work meetings take place at 11pm at night?! When he got back I was in a bit of a state. I told him I saw the phone was at the flat. He went crazy that I knew the address, crazy angry. Said he can't explain why because he was somewhere else in a meeting. Apparently a 5h30m long meeting that he had no email proof of, nothing to show he'd been there at all apart from something written on his phone calendar (which he could have just put in there on his way home. No tangible proof at all. And im supposed to just believe this? Im now the crazy lady questioning her husband and he's the huffing puffing put upon man who doesn't have the patience or desire to listen to her. So the outcome is he's leaving again.
However, my question is, how do you communicate with someone like this?? It's like beating my head against a brick wall. Every conversation, especially if it's about my needs or me feeling hurt, will contain a combination of the following -
gaslighting
refusing to answer my question on the grounds of him not understanding why I would need the answer
looking at the wall and literally pretending that I don't exist,completely ignoring me.
a lot of put upon sighing and holding head in hands
twisting things round / blaming me
flip flopping between answers, giving me 4 different answers and then shouting at me when I ask which one it is
He will contradict himself so many times in one short conversation that I actually feel dizzy
nothing can ever be resolved or explored or spoken about AT ALL it's just this never ending cycle of hell
All conducted while he's giving off the attitude of speaking to me is the worst chore in the world. Like my feelings are SO uninteresting to him. He won't hear my hurt or pain or distress. He just refuses. Sits there with his eyes closed ignoring me.
what the hell is this??? Is this more than ADHD? How on Earth can you have a meaningful conversation in order to resolve issues and promote greater understanding??
Sounds like there's nothing to salvage
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I don't know if it's more than ADHD, but without his willingness to participate, you will not have change. He does not believe there is a problem with his behaviour and honestly, he is treating you deplorably. You want a better relationship and he likes things just as they are--he gets off doing whatever he wants while you carry the load. Why try to salvage this? Have you considered speaking with a lawyer about leaving and what your rights/support payments might be? You are doing everything without his help anyway. Honestly my ex husband only created more work for me. There is less to do now that I'm a single mom. My daughter is happier too. His apathy made her feel unloved and it also killed me that she would look at our marriage and believe that was okay.
At the very least, I would recommend therapy for you so you can get some perspective and support. You desperately need someone to see you and hear you and help you because this is unsustainable and your kids need one reliable parent. I'm glad you reached out and posted here. You ARE important.
Thank you
Submitted by Unimportant on
Thank you for your reply. I think I know deep down that I need to just get away from him. This stress and trauma and all the gaslighting is making me ill. I know I need to just see his ACTIONS and understand that he really doesn't care at all. There is no remorse, compassion, kindness, nothing from him towards me and our 3 children. But I find it so hard to accept that he really doesn't care. It doesn't compute in my brain.
How can a person live and function in such denial of who they actually are and what they are actually doing?
One minute he's leaving because he's seen his behaviour and he feels too bad to be around us, we would be better off without him around. Next thing I'm emotionally abuse and all I've done for 7 yrs is tell him he's not good enough (I stopped trying to get him to participate in family life years ago, he's not been nagged or asked to do ANYTHING). Next time he loves me deeply but he can't be around the children because he's so 'overwhelmed'. Next time I'm controlling and abusive because I control the budget (will ignore the fact I have to do that to protect our family). Next time it's he can't put anyones needs even equal to his own let alone as a priority to his own. Next time it's I didn't have sex the first night he came back, in his mind a husband and wife apart for a few weeks should be tearing each other clothes off the minute they see each other.....no understanding of the complete trauma and despair and fear he had caused me through those weeks and the agreement that it was just a meeting to discuss if we could move forward, so him being miserable and acting like he didn't want to be here when he came back was because I didn't fall all over him and sex immediately and not mention how hurt I was. Another discussion this week where he's saying how he's definitely leaving us again and I'm hurt and crying and fighting to keep my family together he said I wish we could just have sex so I could feel good again for a least a few minutes after. I tried to explain that Im heartbroken and distressed and why would I have sex with you when you are leaving us? That it would make me feel used like a prostitute. Why would I want to give him 'more' of myself when he's destroying our family? He said he doesn't get why that would be me giving anything to him. He argued that he doesn't see anything wrong with having sex during all my pain and heartache (as it would make us feel better for a moment) and then still walking away from our family.
I feel frightened and like I don't know what's real or not anymore. I feel like maybe it's me and I am crazy and he's right, I'm hurt and distressed for no real reason, it's normal to behave as he does.
I just feel completely scared and broken. I know I desperately need therapy but it's going to be difficult to schedule in and afford now. I feel so desperately sorry for my children and so scared and anxious and like I have to hold it all in and be strong and try my hardest to minimise the damage to my babies. It's all just so much.
You did your best
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It's really hard to see when you're "in it," but trust that feeling in your gut. It NOT you and he's not right. You reached out for a reason and you are 100% right. This is so far from what a healthy relationship is. And don't feel bad, either. I went years excusing bad behaviour and putting too much hope and stock in the rare good moments. I wanted the relationship I thought we had at the beginning (hyperfocus) and it took years for me to accept that I could not have that again. I couldn't fathom how my husband could see my pain and absolute exhaustion from doing everything and simply shrug and carry on enjoying life as though he didn't have a family. He didn't want an equitable marriage that meant he'd have to pitch in and be accountable. Getting him to work towards responsibility was impossible - it's exactly what he wanted none of and I was facilitating it.
Anything you can afford - a support group for abused women (this IS abuse), therapy via video call, a visit to community resource center for women... anything will help you gain perspective and support for your situation. You never know what's available to you. My therapist helped me immeasurably in just a few sessions and connected me to resources in my community I didn't even know existed (e.g. a free consultation with a lawyer).
Really hoping for good things for you. You deserve it.
You know what you have to do
Submitted by adhd32 on
He doesn't really care. The sex comments tell all. Clearly it isn't an act of love for him. You have stated many, many reasons you need to leave but you seem stuck on the other version of him that will never return. That guy is gone. Accept him as he is right now or start planning your new life. Gather records, seek legal advice, and slowly prepare your exit. You will have a clearer picture of your future options and a sense of relief once you formulate a rough exit plan. Give yourselves a finite amount of time to work on issues. Once his promises are broken or therapy is abandoned you will have your plan in place and can implement it with confidence since you have your bases already covered.
He’s already gone
Submitted by Unimportant on
He's already gone, he abandoned us, for many varied, conflicting reasons. I don't actually know the truth. He just wanted to I guess! What I do know is that he's left me with 3 young children and zero income. He's already taken out a massive loan even though he has a VERY well paying job. All the debts and everything are in MY name because of the whole VAT fraud thing (which he owes around £350,000 that he's somehow managed to dodge). He's already saying 'he'll see how much he can afford to give me AFTER he's got himself sorted. I've asked for the minimum child maintenance amount and £250 a month towards the family debts (of which I have only just paid £5k off, which was my entire inheritance after my mother died). I only wish I had seen this coming as I would've been able to put that money away for now, when I really need it.
I couldn't go back to my job after the first baby was born as it was clear that he couldn't be left alone with him. So I've been at home taking care of them, and actually mostly taking care of him ever since. But he'll see what he can afford to give after he's sorted himself out. Well we all know what that means don't we..... after he's financed a flashy car, after he's rented a fancy flat, after he's bought whatever he fancies.... after, after, after.
I've tried to explain that that this should be his priority payment, then he can see what's left so can work out what rent he can afford etc. Believe me he can definitely afford to pay for his children and half towards the debt and still live comfortably. So now I'm just being ignored! I just want to be able to plan and I don't have the mental strength to keep going round this crazy loop with him trying to get him to see decency and his responsibility. And that actually I could ask for a lot more! I'm asking bare minimum! It's all just so OUTRAGEOUS. My autistic brain cannot cope with the injustice of all this!
The fear and anxiety of what will happen is immense. The stress is taking such a toll. Not even sure what I can do. It's all in MY name.
See a lawyer asap
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
You need someone on your side who knows the law. I don't know what it is like there, but in Canada, he would have to pay child support for 3 children and likely spousal support since you weren't working. If he didn't pay, the courts would take it from his paycheck. See if you have similar laws there and then quietly go about pursuing what you're owed through the legal system. Don't rely on him to set amounts or make empty promises.
Otherwise, he has done you a favour by leaving. You deserve better. ♥️
What they said
Submitted by felicity on
Everything Melody said, you are important!
You are allowing yourself to be used
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Backwards and forwards, up and down. It is not a 'maybe' (heart-wrenching, yes, 'maybe', no). You've spent years tying yourself (and now your child) into emotional knots to try to get the emotional response you hope and expect from your husband. 'Well at least give me sex...' is the latest (and, hopefully, final) straw. Your pain and desire resonate through my thirty years experience with my now ex-wife. Your husband does not 'see' your pain; his brain works differently. That's just the truth. He showed you what he is willing to do. You should believe and accept that and act accordingly.
I know there’s no point saying this to him….
Submitted by Unimportant on
But I wanted to put it somewhere. I wanted to get it out of me after the years of keeping my mouth shut and walking on eggshells.
To him,
I don’t expect any of this to make any sort of impact on you, I know it will either fall on deaf ears and be totally ignored or be twisted into something unrecognisable, just as all my feelings have thus far. This is for me, this is to make sense of the reality you have left me in and start working my way back to the person I once was.
I don’t understand why you always put sinister motives and manipulations on to my actions, you have no reason to do this. I have shown you nothing at all to warrant it. I have shown you over and over that I am a decent, good, moral and principled person. I think your continued insistence that my actions or behaviour are some kind of game or manipulation to get at you says more about you and your character than it does about me.
It is hurtful to me that you always assume the very worst, and frankly untrue, things about me or my motives or feelings. Whilst always expecting the benefit of the doubt for yourself and your horrible actions.
I have come to realise that actions really do speak louder than words. My actions towards you and our family have always been selfless and giving. Yours never have been. The only thing you’ve actually sacrificed is the impulsive spending, and that is only because the VAT fraud was so big and had such far reaching consequences and it was known to others other than me, that you couldn’t deny it. And that one thing you’ve stopped doing is not through choice, it’s been forced and you resent and hate me for it.
I despise the dynamic of our relationship, you have forced me into a role I didn’t want to play. You forced me to parent you and if I ever tried to stop you accused me of spite and being spiteful for not over functioning for you or putting your needs above my own.
I wanted and have fought for equity and partnership in our relationship, but when the other person refuses to acknowledge or put any effort in to actually step up and be responsible and accountable for their actions (or in-actions) this could never ever be.
You were happy with watching me over function, exhaust myself, tie myself up in knots trying and trying to get the appropriate emotional response or action from you. You ignored all my attempts and invitations for you to be my actual partner. You kept us stagnant no matter how I tried to move us forward.
You ignored me and my needs and you ignored your children and their needs. We were an annoyance that got in your way with our needs and our feelings and our very existence. You gave nothing to us but expected everything and more in return.
I gave you a family, I worked extremely hard to maintain that family for you. I protected your self esteem as best I could, I covered your inability to function, I picked up your slack and let it appear to the world that you were a real husband and father, the truth is you have been neither. I have been alone, waiting for you to catch up.
Real work, real actions, real sacrifice, continuously. I didn’t think about it, I did it, always. I wore myself out trying to please you, I’ve exhausted myself giving to you and single-handedly raising your children, all while pretending that your actions (or rather in-actions) were acceptable or hiding them from the world to protect your self image. I’ve had no support all these years because people assumed I had you. I have been alone.
I have waited and waited for you to take some responsibility and accountability. I have begged you for honesty and open communication. I wanted so badly to trust you. I have waited for you to seek proper reliable effective treatment, but the whole time I don’t think you had any real intention of it. I still don’t think you really see yourself.
I think you’ll turn all this into same vague notion of ‘incompatibility’ or ‘our shitty marriage’ as you’ve called it. You’ll rewrite our history and invalidate my reality yet again. The contradictory things you have said so far about your reasons for leaving prove as much.
I think you left because you didn’t want to be confronted with and feel bad about your behaviour or yourself. You didn’t want to be responsible or accountable for it. Not some noble idea of saving us pain. I think you did it for yourself.
You haven’t sought to make sense of your own condition and the impact it has on your family. You’ve refused to listen to feedback on your treatment, as was suggested by the woman who diagnosed you. You probably don’t remember but she said your wife will be able to tell you if it’s making a difference or not. I did tell you, you just didn’t listen.
I committed wholeheartedly to you and the family I built, I believed your words when I really I should have believed your actions. I kept hoping that one day you would get it. One day you would ‘wake up’ and see you had a wife that adored you and beautiful children and could finally appreciate us and take joy from what you had.
The truly sad part is that I would have worked with you, I would have gone to the ends of the earth for you. I never truly lost hope of what we could have been. I was desperately looking for the man I fell in love with, the man I wanted a family with. I’m frightened now that he never really existed and it was all pretend.
What actually happened is you took advantage of me, whether you intended to or not, I do not know anymore. You took and took and have treated me appallingly. And now you’ve taken the ultimate thing from me. You’ve taken my hopes and dreams and wishes for my children and what sort of lives they would have. You’ve taken their stability and their family. I don’t even have words to describe how that feels.
I can only hope that you are truly ‘oblivious’ to your behaviour and actions and that it really is ADHD because the alternative is so frightening. It appears as though you ‘can’t’ love and feel empathy and that’s terrifying. It appears as though I am only useful to you when I serve your needs. It appears as though it is you above all others, always.
The things you have said recently and the way you have acted towards me have truly shaken me to the core. I feel as though I’ve been living with this facade of you, believing that you mean well and that you love us and that deep down under all the denial and blame shifting and inability to communicate without defence and twisting things that there was a good heart, a good person. Someone who cared but just didn’t know how to show it.
I feel knocked sideways, completely blindsided and like I’ve been tricked and trapped with someone essentially just like my mother, unable to love, unable to care, only able to feel sorry for themselves. Unable or unwilling to see the devastation they wreak on those that love them. I feel like the ultimate fool for not seeing you, for excusing and denying your behaviour and actions and believing that you really did love and care for us. The ultimate fool.
Whatever the the reality of your ‘condition’ is the facts are you’ve used me up and abandoned me with 2 disabled children and a baby because you don’t want to or can’t accept responsibility. You’ve taken my future away and I’ve helped to give you yours by functioning for you and sacrificing myself to better your future prospects. In essence, you’ve set me back in life and I’ve pushed you forwards.
You took my authenticity and integrity that I strived and worked so hard for by forcing me to live in your reality of denial and gaslighting my lived experience of you to such a degree that I don’t even know what’s real anymore. I wanted our family so much and I tried so hard to get through to you. I don’t trust myself and my gut like I used to, like I worked so hard to. I feel frightened and weak and used.
I can only desperately hope that you address ‘whatever it is’ for your children’s sake because the thought of them feeling like I do, unloved, used, ignored, blamed, gaslit is just too much for me bare.
I don’t hold much hope for the future, I can already see what’s going to happen. You will move on to the next ‘shiny thing’ you will be so caught up in yourself and making yourself feel good with whoever or whatever provides that to you that your children will undoubtedly, eventually, fall by the wayside.
Although, I fervently hope that you do prove me wrong and you can truly see yourself, stop the denial and self justifications and be the father that my children need and deserve.
I agree - great letter
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You have been used, robbed, and left stranded. You do need a lawyer ASAP - do not wait on this. You need protection from his further helping himself to any further scraps of what you might own, as well as someone to stand up to him and see if they can get any money out of him to support you and your children.
You have encapsulated so much of what some go through, and also the agony of second guessing oneself - the I should have (seen this coming; protected my money; etc etc). Know that you responded in a classic way for someone who was being emotionally abused - the most likely response is that you double down and try harder, in an attempt to alleviate the misery and abuse. Now, I hope, you will start your journey in a new direction. It will be hard - he has left you with so little. But there are quite a few people here who can attest to the power of understanding how to build better boundaries and prevent yourself (and your kids) from being used again in the future. You have strength, and we are all glad that you have reached out for support.
Honesty
Submitted by Unimportant on
Why won't they just be honest? I don't love you, you are no longer interesting to me, I don't want the responsibility of being a father and a husband.
Why do I get all the different conflicting stories but the insistence that he loves me and the children. It's a horrible horrible head game I could do with out.
I got the 'I can't be that person you brings nothing good' then 'I'm just overwhelmed' then 'If you had just had sex with me the night I came home I wouldn't have left again' then 'I've been told I don't contribute to family life, I've been told I'm not a good dad etc etc why on Earth would I stay' then it was 'I can see the damage I've done to you and I can't be that person' then the last one 'I am incapable and I know that and I never will be'
Is it just to absolve them of any 'wrong doing'?
Is it to protect their image to others?
Whatever it is, being autistic myself I have a very hard time when words and actions don't match up or when something someone says just doesn't ring true. I would be able to cope with all of this so much easier if he was just truthful. If I could make sense of it in my mind and draw a line under it.
But I just get ignored, or angrily told 'you've had the truth I'm not discussing it further'. Forgive me, but which bloody truth from the above is it??
He's acting like it's perfectly normal to walk out on your wife and 3 kids out of the blue with only a few text messages as some kind of explaination. Am I expecting to much??? I just want to understand.
First of all...
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
First of all, the "if we had just had sex I would never have walked out" BS is blame and a way to not think too deeply about the responsibility he holds here. Ignore it and do not take it to heart.
It is possible to love someone and also to lie...part of that is poor ethical code, part of it is chasing what feels good in the moment...and coming clean to you and dealing with your response WOULD NOT feel good in any way. Anticipating that experience is so daunting and overwhelming that it is a big barrier. Also, your partner has found lying to be useful to him in the past. There isn't much indication that he actually wishes to stop lying. Rather, he would probably like to lie and also have you go along with it and make his life good for him.
The sad thing is - you may never make sense of it all because you are not him. Life is messy and I have found that one of the best ways to deal with this sort of behavior is to simply say "this is who my partner is. It makes me sad, but there is nothing I can do about it. And maybe not even anything he can do about it." There will be pain to work through as you adjust to that idea, but you have no control over what is going on. A bitter pill to swallow, is that.
Unimportant
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Your letter is heartfelt and well written.
I wrote a similar letter to my ex-husband 10 years ago. We were married for almost 20 years. I did give it to him but even after reading it he still didn't "get it".....
Great letter
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I wrote a letter like this near the end of my 20-year marriage. It helped me put in perspective all the things that were wrong. It helped me to read it when I doubted my resolve - what I'd described and how I felt was not healthy. In the letter, I could also see how bad it was for my daughter for me to stay. The older your kids get, the more his apathy will hurt them. Watching them feel the pain you're feeling is sooo much worse. You probably already feel that.
Good for you for putting everything into words.
Do I trust this?
Submitted by Unimportant on
So it seems my husband has done a complete turn around. He is saying everything I've longed to hear for years, to the point it actually sounds like my own words being said back to me. I don't believe him.
This turn around was specifically triggered by the thought of me 'moving on', even though he says it wasn't. The evidence all points to that actually being the case. It's a dizzying complete switch in his attitude and behaviour towards me. I don't trust or believe a word of it.
I'm really trying hard to learn to trust my gut instincts again after years of gaslighting. My instincts are screaming to me that there's something off here, don't trust it. I think he's just realised how scary the big wide world is when you have to adult on your own (something he's never done) and he's desperately trying to cling to his 'safety net'. Combined with the predictability of men suddenly wanting what they can't have when the woman decides she's moving on.
He's admitted the lie about the 'work meeting' but the truth he's given me still doesn't seem or feel like the actual truth. I have zero trust in him.
I've been doing ok, I've accepted that my marriage was what it was, that he wouldn't ever change, that I spent most of the marriage in a fight/freeze/fawn state (mostly fawning). I've felt a peacefulness and calmness that I haven't known for years these last few weeks.
Now I'm being presented with what I've most desired for years and years and it's SO tempting to believe. SO tempting to hope. But my instincts are saying this is not REAL. It's more smoke and mirrors and I really don't want to go back to the life I had. I don't want to confuse my children, who are doing really well with the whole situation right now, they are happy. But what if it is real? What if my family can be what I always dreamed of?
I guess I'm asking if this kind of realisation and change can actually be real? Is it even a possibility? Do I dare to hope?
No
Submitted by adhd32 on
Continue with your plans and see how he much he commits to changing. He is likely discovering that life without a personal servant will be difficult. Trust nothing he says, he is a liar... action speak louder than words.
I'm inclined to agree with
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I'm inclined to agree with what adhd32 posted.
From my past experience, my ex started doing things and behaving in a way that I had always wanted him to, when he realized that I was filing for divorce.
That didn't last for long. Anytime he didn't get his way, or was unable to control me, he reverted back to his true self and I realized he wasn't going to change.
Not saying this is the case with your marriage. However, true change, REAL change takes time.
Sorry but…
Submitted by sickandtired on
Sorry but most likely if you let him back into your life, he will go back to just how he was before, only with the attitude of you being the evil villain for having "abandoned him" during the breakup. I gave my exBF one more chance, and boy did I regret it. He quickly forgot about all of the promises he made, and endlessly reminded me of how "cruel" I was for throwing him out. An unsuccessful breakup just gave him more resentment toward me than before.
You say you and your kids feel a sense of peace and are knitting back together your lives. Stick to your guns and build a new life no matter how much he tries to make you feel guilty for getting out of that nightmare.
He’s actually made a post….
Submitted by Unimportant on
He's actually made a post on here. Betterhusbandbetterfather is the username I believe. If anyone wants to read it. Again, I'm not really sure what to make of it.....
Gaslighting
Submitted by sickandtired on
I see it as a typical last ditch effort to tell you what you want to hear. He goes into detail about his own suffering, alluding to his wishes to perhaps die, but saying he's not suicidal. I can see how frustrating that must be when he makes conflicting statements to you like that. By the way, threatening suicide in this context would be very manipulative of your kind nature, and a fear tactic to get back with you. My ex tried that approach many times, but then admitted in therapy that he really wasn't contemplating suicide, so PLEASE don't fall for that manipulative guilt trip if he tries that ploy on you. I see him saying he desperately wants to get back with his "beautiful wife and beautiful children", like he wants you back but just as possessions not human beings who have feelings and deserve to be loved and protected. I don't think he has any insight into the depth of the suffering he's caused... he's focused on his own suffering in quite some detail, probably because he can't tolerate the idea that he has no power in your decision. He seems like a control freak I'll bet, and you've upset his plans by not being the submissive Stepford wife any longer, so at the moment he may say he's miraculously changed, but that's just NOT how it works. One moment of an epiphany does not cure years of habitual neglect, verbal and financial abuse, and it certainly does not make up for his being such a poor father or husband. Please don't let him gaslight you.
Your gut is right imo
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Your instincts are likely right and the advice you've received here is dead on. When my husband realized it was really ending, he made many promises and said anything he could think of to make me change my mind. It's desperation that is highly unlikely to translate into action (based on my experience). Words are easy. Actions are hard. It's doubtful he suddenly has a huge realization and willingness to do the hard work required. And if he has had a magical awakening, he can do the work on himself alone. Maybe in a year when he's showing through sustained actions that he's a different person, that'd be a different story.
If your kids are thriving and you feel calm, that is huge. Why risk that? I'm so happy you've found some peace! Trust that voice inside you that's telling you this is smoke and mirrors.
Con artist...
Submitted by CompletelyLost on
ADHD or not this man is a con artist. Don't be sucked in again. Get that lawyer if you have not already because what happened before will just repeat itself over and over again with escalating regularity until you no longer even recognize who you are as a person. Preserve the strength you have now to get out of this because it doesn't get easier the more times you get sucked back in.
Let go...
Submitted by CompletelyLost on
You can't communicate with someone like this. They don't even communicate with themselves internally. Just let go of what you can't control and focus on what you can. Your relationship with him isn't something you can control and neither is he.