3 years of marriage and DH still can't control his anger..Anger is very stressful especially when you are in a great mood and trying to just discuss a matter with him and he just starts to flare up with no warning..When is a good time to approach him?..I resumed back to one of my ADHD books where it states that verbal cues and body language also the way in which you speak has a lot to do with the response_response hence the wrong interpretation..I on the other hand would sometimes forget how to approach him with everyday life concerns etc,then the message is processed wrongfully to him and then i feel as though he is trying to control my every day life when in fact (sometimes) his advice is very helpful after the anger disappears..
Masterminding this dreadful painful ADHD trait is taking very long for me as sometimes i would tend to forget and then land up in this impulse control situation that is very fearful and horrific for me...My fear overcomes my thoughts of taking control and knowing before at hand what,when,and how before control takes over....Then the response_response gets mixed up in to a pile of mixed up ridicules messages and then DH and myself ends up in a confusion that i can't understand..For him he is always right even if he is wrong so fighting that with him is a losing battle.
lovehurts...
Anger stinks
Submitted by Gladiola on
I know what you mean. I have been dealing with irrational anger and fury for most of our marriage. I can say about 5 weeks ago I told him that screaming at me for no reason and verbal abuse will no longer be tolerated in this household and if he cannot control that impulse then He can seek residency somewhere else. I refused to live that way anymore after 9 years and I refused to let our girls be exposed to it anymore before permanent damage is done. He has only had a couple issues where he started to spin out of control and I left the room. This seemed to be enough to calm him down, so, so far, putting up this boundary is working. He got upset last night when I told him he said something inappropriate to the girls and he started and stopped himself and went for a drive instead. This was a huge step for us.
I am so sorry you have to deal with that though. It is scary and awful. :-(
That is awesome that you set
Submitted by MFrances on
That is awesome that you set that boundary! And he seems to be responding to it. Maybe that's what I need to do with my husband. Trying to explain how it negatively affects me and the kids just doesn't sink in. I did, one day, set a tiny boundary. He came home from work in the morning (worked overnight shift) and was already cranky and miserable. This was over Christmas break and the kids and I had a few good days of doing fun stuff together, everyone got along, my husband worked a lot and wasn't home. So I wasn't about to have that ruined by his bad mood. So I said to him if you are going to be miserable and spend the day yelling, you can spend the day somewhere else. I said you are acting like you don't want to be around us and if that's the case then leave for the day. He got really offended but didn't say anything and shaped up and did not yell at us that day.
That's awesome!
Submitted by Gladiola on
Unfortunately I find that I still have to restate that boundary when he is not on meds. I see the signs and see him getting spun up and I remind him, calmly,of what the consequences of him losing control look like. I invite him to excuse himself from the situation (similar to what you did above). So far, so good. No anger at all this week (hallelujah) except early in the morning this past weekend before his new med kicked in. I can't believe how blissful it is not feeling like I've lived with a ticking bomb. I can breath again.
Anger
Submitted by lemon25 on
Tonight my husband had another blowup and I am upset about it. He began yelling at me at dinner, I pointed out that he was yelling, he just kept saying he wasn't. This escalated for about 10 minutes with our kids sitting in silence listening, and after asking him to stop about 5 times, I told him I would leave and take the kids because he was ruining our night and they shouldn't be hearing all this yelling. The problem I have is that he will not allow me to leave- he follows me, and tells me I can't leave the house, and I can't take the kids with me. He has never hurt me physically, but he has grabbed and pushed me like he did tonight. About 10 minutes after this ends, he feels remorseful and is back trying to apologize, but I am so hurt I can't even stand to look at him. I don't know what to do. We have 4 kids and I am afraid the damage has already been done- there is so much anger in our house. He is not on medication, he has tried 3 types, none of them helped, and I can't find a counselor or psychiatrist where I live (Salt Lake City) to help us. I have not been able to find anyone that specializes in ADHD. This is not the way I wanted my life to go, and I am feeling hopeless that it will ever change- why is it so difficult to find help? Just wanted to post my thoughts somewhere, thanks for listening.