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"but I feel like he gets to live the life just buying whatever he wants whenever he wants without any guilt."
I think that is what my anger is about. I want to enjoy and be happy and personable (like I was before marriage) ...but when you see the financial future disaster looming, it is difficult not to be anxious and scared and a little embarrassed knowing how this will ultimately end. And even though you have worked hard and been diligent your whole life, you must shoulder the embarrassment because no one will believe it is the wife who has kept the family financially together all this time....they think, "What is she unhappy about?" And it seems that dh not only does not feel ashamed of his inabilities about budget and finance, he acutaly is quite proud of himself for all he (me) has accomplished. A constant glass half full thinking even when he keeps drilling holes in the glass for me to keep it half full.
He said to me, "I don't have to make any money because I don't spend any money." If I told him "You spend more on beer and tobacco than our health insurance costs us." He does not make a connection. He compartmentalizes money. If he sells something in his business he earmarks it for something HE wants and does not understand that all income in the pie is what we both eat from.
My husband and I were in $40k in credit card debt when we met (about $20k each). Mine was largely due to a bunch of veterinarian bills to keep my dog alive and well (she lived until 18 and she was my baby and I love her so no regrets there!) and I was not making very much.
On the other hand, my husband (boyfriend at the time) was making decent money and had no savings and still freely spending on the credit cards. Both of us had cards close to the maximum. I had no late payments and he had several late payments (ADHD!!.....).
SO ADHD, no ADHD, we did that Debt Management Program (DMP) through Care one. It is not detb settlement - you still have to pay your cards over time but they lowered all our rates, closed all our cards, and we each had about $420 a month to pay for 50 months each. DUring the whole time we were on it you cant open revolving credit card accounts but you can still open car loans, mortgages, etc...so that is all the advice for you. Especially for someone with ADHD and who is impulsive, THE ONLY WAY THEY WILL STOP IS TO NOT HAVE CREDIT CARDS AVAILABLE.
my husband and I have paid off these cards recently and our credit is both around 700 - a little bit more. they were lower before bc of husband's late payments, our high debt balance, the fact that the utilization rate was almost the entire credit lines, etc....
Now we will both have to get secured credit cards to rebuilding the revolving credit aspect of our finances (I hate that in the US you get penalized for not having credit cards - honestly if it wasnt for that we'd never open one again). So yeah thats just one idea, unfortunately thats the only thing that worked for either of us, and bc it wasnt bankruptcy OR debt SETTLEMENT - it was paying the FULL balances plus interest (albeit lower interest rates negotiated by care one), it is far less damaging to your credit. I really wish we couldve avoided it but it was our only choice! My husband in particular is not the type of personality that should have credit cards since he is so bad with money.
How we will deal with this (esp on his end) moving forward, I am not sure. Honestly after being FORCED to be cut off from credit and living on what you make and thats it for 50 months, you really do change your habits....
Hi,
I saw your post and boy can we relate! For many years my husband's spending was out of control, we never had any money for things and this frustrated him further even though he knew he was the problem. I finally got so sick of it that I decided to fall on the sword for this issue in our family. If we didn't have the cash to pay for it we didn't buy it. It took me many many years to pay off credit cards and a car. I went through a study called financial peace University from Dave Ramsey. Although my husband did not participate in some of it some of it he did and it gave him a new outlook on what it could look like to be debt-free.
Right now our only debt is our home and I can't say that this has been easy because this home was his biggest impulse purchase that he had ever done in his life. We bought our home at the height of the market for $670,000. Even though we put down $140,000 from the sale of our old home, we got into a really bad loan because it was the only way we could afford the home when we originally moved in seven years ago. Rather than fight with him continually for weeks on end about the purchase of this home that I did not want, I finally gave in and prayed that God would provide so we would not lose everything we had. God has been faithful and for seven years we have afforded this home and now we are in the process of getting a refinance to where we will have a fixed rate of 4% over 20 years.
The top three reasons for divorce are finances, affairs and not being on the same page raising children. I knew I had to fight him for everything that we purchased after our home. It hasn't been easy and still isn't but he is much better about money than he used to be. When he wants to take a lavish vacation, I always remind him that unless we pay cash for it, we can't go . I also sought a counselor at one point and some dear friends who would meet with us when his spending got bad or when he unleashed his wrath on me for not letting him buy things on his impulses. With my husband, he did want to embarrass himself in front our friends (who are lay marriage counselors) so he would come back to reality and realize what he was doing to our finances. I hope this helps you in some way. :)
Maybe If We Keep Reading ...
Submitted by SanitySeekingHulk on
No tips for you yet. I'm new to this myself. Just wanted to give you a cosmic high five of solidarity. Right there with you, looking for ideas. xoxo
Sharing the fun
Submitted by jennalemon on
"but I feel like he gets to live the life just buying whatever he wants whenever he wants without any guilt."
I think that is what my anger is about. I want to enjoy and be happy and personable (like I was before marriage) ...but when you see the financial future disaster looming, it is difficult not to be anxious and scared and a little embarrassed knowing how this will ultimately end. And even though you have worked hard and been diligent your whole life, you must shoulder the embarrassment because no one will believe it is the wife who has kept the family financially together all this time....they think, "What is she unhappy about?" And it seems that dh not only does not feel ashamed of his inabilities about budget and finance, he acutaly is quite proud of himself for all he (me) has accomplished. A constant glass half full thinking even when he keeps drilling holes in the glass for me to keep it half full.
He said to me, "I don't have to make any money because I don't spend any money." If I told him "You spend more on beer and tobacco than our health insurance costs us." He does not make a connection. He compartmentalizes money. If he sells something in his business he earmarks it for something HE wants and does not understand that all income in the pie is what we both eat from.
My husband and I were in $40k
Submitted by kathy1208 on
My husband and I were in $40k in credit card debt when we met (about $20k each). Mine was largely due to a bunch of veterinarian bills to keep my dog alive and well (she lived until 18 and she was my baby and I love her so no regrets there!) and I was not making very much.
On the other hand, my husband (boyfriend at the time) was making decent money and had no savings and still freely spending on the credit cards. Both of us had cards close to the maximum. I had no late payments and he had several late payments (ADHD!!.....).
SO ADHD, no ADHD, we did that Debt Management Program (DMP) through Care one. It is not detb settlement - you still have to pay your cards over time but they lowered all our rates, closed all our cards, and we each had about $420 a month to pay for 50 months each. DUring the whole time we were on it you cant open revolving credit card accounts but you can still open car loans, mortgages, etc...so that is all the advice for you. Especially for someone with ADHD and who is impulsive, THE ONLY WAY THEY WILL STOP IS TO NOT HAVE CREDIT CARDS AVAILABLE.
my husband and I have paid off these cards recently and our credit is both around 700 - a little bit more. they were lower before bc of husband's late payments, our high debt balance, the fact that the utilization rate was almost the entire credit lines, etc....
Now we will both have to get secured credit cards to rebuilding the revolving credit aspect of our finances (I hate that in the US you get penalized for not having credit cards - honestly if it wasnt for that we'd never open one again). So yeah thats just one idea, unfortunately thats the only thing that worked for either of us, and bc it wasnt bankruptcy OR debt SETTLEMENT - it was paying the FULL balances plus interest (albeit lower interest rates negotiated by care one), it is far less damaging to your credit. I really wish we couldve avoided it but it was our only choice! My husband in particular is not the type of personality that should have credit cards since he is so bad with money.
How we will deal with this (esp on his end) moving forward, I am not sure. Honestly after being FORCED to be cut off from credit and living on what you make and thats it for 50 months, you really do change your habits....
Hope that helps. Good luck!
Here is what we did....
Submitted by DaughterOfTheKing on