Submitted by Beachlover68 on 04/18/2013.
I have been married for 18 yrs to an ADD spouse. His ADD has gotten worse over the years. The biggest things we struggle with are is general inattentiveness to the relationship, chronic lateness, clutter with all his belongings and inability to but anything where it belongs. He seems incapable of seeing how these things negatively affect me and our household. I'm always supposed to be the understanding wife. I get very weary of it and stay stressed out much of the time. It has gotten to the point that we are very testy with each other most of the time and always on the defensive. It is a very unhealthy way to live.
Understanding vs fulfillment
Submitted by ShelleyNW on
Good morning. I know how you feel. The last couple of days I've been thinking a lot about that. I went to a seminar for ADHD relationships this weekend hoping that it would go over the common problems ADHD impacted households have in a way that would get through to dh. Alas that wasn't the focus of the day. Instead it seemed to focus on systems to reduce negative symptoms, and getting us nons to reframe how we look at the issues. I suspect time constraints limit the scope, as well as the larger audience size. Melissa just talked on her blog about getting her spouse to put away the computer and pay attention to her that had some nice insights. The environmental stress of clutter makes me anxious over time too. And you would think that since stress generally makes ADHD worse that impacts them too. My dh admits that it does but I still have to specifically ask him to clean up an area with a deadline, which he occasionally meets. We nons are supposed to be understanding but not enable the behavior that drives us nuts. So we are supposed to stick up for ourselves, ask for what we need, tell them why, just do it without blame and vitriol. It is so much easier to enable for me. I hate speaking up. Which is how my life got to where it is. Good luck dealing with this and making yourself healthy.
I've been feeling the same
Submitted by copingSAH on
I've been feeling the same way.
My ADD spouse has recently begun medication/treatment but he has deliberately chosen to try 3 different meds over the course of 3 weeks (not really listening but impulsively and aggressively doing so. I do not think I am seeing any results from the ADD relief I thought I would. Maybe I was expecting too much. He had been amazing while on the first med the first week but now that he's playing musical chairs with the meds, I don't see what use it is, he seems no different than before the medication. I have a feeling he is looking for a way to get the feelings of euphoria through the amphetamine based meds.
Right now, I am feeling resentment and lingering anger. I know I resent the ADHD and not the person. But he is choosing to call me selfish for wanting to discuss how unhappy and stifled marriage with ADD has been for years. He won't discuss it, and is using the ADD as his excuse for not discussing it with me because he's "too busy" working on the medications. I can't really talk to anyone else about it; everyone wants to talk about giving the ADD individual the full support, but what about the non-ADD spouse that has slowly been denied some sense of normalcy during the entire marriage?
It's sad when I cannot get anyone to see the consequences the ADD has had on our marriage, and what I've had to put up with for so long. It's always about him, his needs, and it's still that way now. How long do I wait for the ADD to go away, please??
sorry
Submitted by lynninny on
SAH, I am sorry--mine also played around with his meds and would not hear of combining them with CBT or any therapy or counseling or psychiatry. I think he just used them to wake up and focus at work, and liked how they made him feel at times, but didn't really associate the need for them or treatment with life outside work. I don't know if your DH is also in any other kind of treatment?
I am sorry your DH calls your requests selfish. Of course they aren't. That's the defensiveness talking--he is upset that you are insisting on addressing something and it makes him feel threatened in some way. The "can't talk about it. Period." thing was pretty tough to deal with and hard me to hear in my own marriage (and because of that and for many reasons, I ultimately left). Mine would work so hard ("I am too busy with ___ to go to marriage counseling!") and ultimately turn to anger as a defense if I would keep trying, because he could NOT talk about it. Or he would turn it on me. Or go into the bedroom and lock the door and stay there. I don't think deep down he was a selfish person, but there was something there--he told me once it was like having his skin slowly peeled off to have to "go over everything!" It is pretty sad, honestly. I would call it almost pathological.
I just read what Shelley wrote and it really struck me. I think I could have been supportive, and "reframed" many things (and I often did--I remember trying to explain to my mom why my spouse was late for our children's birthday party because he got caught up doing something to his car) if my spouse with ADHD faced and accepted some responsibility and took at least some steps to address his ADHD and its impact on his family life. Mine would not, and he had some pretty serious anger management problems. I dealt with it for about a decade, so it went on for a long time..once he yelled at me to "just get OVER it!" Well, I am over it now, buddy. I have nothing but respect for those who can flourish. I was not one of them.
SAH, hang in there. Keep focusing on yourself. There is nothing wrong with you wanting to improve your marriage and expecting him to do his part. It sounds like you are avoiding being angry and that is great. I hope everything works out for you.
Taking the meds during the
Submitted by copingSAH on
Taking the meds during the week for work and then not taking any over the weekend seems to be his preferred way at the moment. It leaves him the "window" to drink alcohol and/or come down from the previous week's med. At least that is how he's running his own treatment now. He isn't in any other kind of treatment and his doctor doesn't appear to be one who refers those types of resources, at least not offered yet.
Right now, the defensive talk (off the meds) has really upset me, because now there is a diagnosis, every time the defensiveness comes up, it feels like it's blaring a horn in my face. As if the ADD is announcing itself, "see, I'm here, not leaving, you feel helpless." I wish I could explain it better. Before the diagnosis, I suppose I always just questioned what the hell was wrong in the interpersonal communications. But now, I know what the hell it is. I have been unhappy for the last 20 years with how the marriage and family dynamics have played out. I honestly feel the diagnosis, and the continuing behaviors are causing me some kind of breakdown :( I feel my moods swinging up and down, varying between hopeful to upset and angry with all the time that was lost, thinking all the while it was a compatibility issue. So my mental state is suffering like I'm snapping, and I want to throttle the ADD out of my dh.
This is an example: we only go out once a week, and it's usually one day over the weekend. We never go out during the week so it's a very compartmentalized way of life. When we go out, the kids and I enjoy visiting inexpensive eateries along the way. It happens every single time: when we want to try a new place, my dh will declare in a loud voice that we can eat but he won't be eating. By the very defensive way he says it, not to mention his stony silence when he sits there with an empty spot at the table. I offer him a bite which he might take, but usually he gets incredibly defensive, focusing on what he won't do. Instead of saying "thanks you enjoy", he goes, "well, enjoy!" in the most sarcastic way possible. I can understand if he's not hungry but 9 times out of 10, he becomes hungry shortly after we finish and he goes hungry the rest of the day. It's not like my kids and I eat like fiends either. It's usually a snack for me and the older boy and we have to share a single beverage between us. That's how it's always been. It's barely living to me, it's more like my dh running a tight ship. What kind of life is this. He doesn't even try to be part of a family unit. Want to know the kicker? After we all are home (and feeling defeated), he goes out and buys a bunch of snacks and groceries to show us how he cares for us. ADD sends really confusing messages to the nonADD members of the family.
I'm getting so tense now that I know it's the ADD I feel "cheated" out of life even more than ever. My ADD dh says to me "well, you can't change the past, and I refuse to talk about the past. What good does it do?" Which in effect is negating everything the ADD has put us through and not being able to discuss strategies for the present or the future.
I want to live to me and the kids to live full potential but why are such limitations so overwhelming for me that I cannot get out of them?? I hear so many well meaning lectures from my family members since I have stopped being creative and purposeful in life : "oh copingSAH, you can do anything you want if you just set your mind to it, nothing is ever impossible if you just think that way. I'm succeeding, and you should too" Arghhh I just want to scream and shove their faces into the ADD and say "see, do you see, that's what ADD has been like for the last 20 years. Do you want to tell me you wouldn't be just like me if you were living this way?" or "you are successful because you have a partner who's on the same playing field as you"
It's almost too painful not just dealing with the ADD, but also trying not to come off in a bad light to others. Here's where I've begun to isolate, I know I shouldn't but I hear the same lectures all the time. Nobody gets the ADD struggle at all. I'm even annoyed with a SIL who has kids who take ADD medication ("only a tiny amount before quizzes") seems to live in a sort of perfect bubble she's created for herself, she seems oblivious to challenges with Adult ADD. Obviously she's not married to Adult ADD and dealing with ADD kids is a different dynamic altogether. She does not have an ADD marriage!
Mentally hurting feels like a slow death to me. This forum keeps me from sinking too low by allowing me to get it out.
table
Submitted by lynninny on
coping,
Don't get me started on doctors who will prescribe these meds without suggesting or requiring any other form of treatment. My spouse had to check in once every few months or so for ten minutes after getting them by taking a quiz and diagnosing himself on the internet. I do think he has ADHD, but that was it. Seriously?!
I am sorry, and I hear you. Of course that scenario with the snack is heartbreaking. I am not sure what to tell you. Mine used to be so negative about so many choices I made. Was it out of fear? I don't know. Have you asked yours to try to go to counseling with you? Sometimes, with a third party in the room, it becomes tough for someone to ignore how his behavior sounds if he hears it out loud. (I always thought mine wouldn't go because of this--he was afraid of what he would hear and the defensiveness was so ingrained he could not deal with it at that point).
What is it about sitting and eating? I asked mine, all I asked, was to sit at the table together at night with our children and me for a meal (that I made). Just to freaking sit there with his rear in a chair and eat with us, so we could have that one period of togetherness as a family each day. I asked nicely, over and over. What I got was someone yelling at me, telling me all the things that I wouldn't do with him (like attend a convention for one of his hobbies years ago). Really. Like instead of him telling me that this was hard for him or something, it immediately became a debate about why he shouldn't have to. And I just couldn't figure it out. I think there was something tough and painful about having to sit still and eat at a certain time, (my dad was always an impatient guy and would race through his food and bolt), but wow. Was it the sitting still? The stimulus? The regularity? I don't know, although I know at his mom's house, he managed to park himself in a chair at her table at dinner, and didn't say a peep. The other thing I wonder in hindsight--maybe our relationship had deteriorated at that point at always being mad, and he was already so mad at me he didn't want to eat as a family, or he wanted to punish me by not doing something I wanted us to do. Which would have been good for the relationship and family. Sigh. And like our children wouldn't be affected and notice!
I know about the mentally hurting. There is the double whammy--one, he won't share a meal or participate in something small that is a fun family activity, and two, he gets mad at you over it, or ridicules it, or complains about it. I am sorry. I know it breaks your heart.
Twenty years is a long time, lol. Maybe you could get him to see someone with you? And I know, you are in a completely different galaxy. I didn't really get the impact of ADHD until I read books on it and found this forum. One of the big wake up calls I had, I realized that my spouse's untreated ADHD was a lot like addiction or similar. It was he who needed to accept it and treat it, and I could participate and help, but if he wouldn't, then it was beyond my control. You are not on the same playing field, and no amount of smarts or creativity is going to help unless he decides to help himself. I got my answer when I prepared to leave and mine still wouldn't, which was comforting in a way. I had done all I could. I am out here sending you support. Maybe you can practice "loving detachment" for a while to help figure everything out. No matter what I hope things work out for you.
lynninny, I will look into
Submitted by copingSAH on
lynninny, I will look into the loving detachment approach. From what I can infer, this might be my only resolve so I can extricate myself from this emotional swamp of quicksand.
I have to think about the couples (or individual) counseling.... I've never been one to look for a third party therapy for myself so while I am okay with the couples counseling, at the same time, I may have some blockage to that personally. For a while I was open to it for my dh and I... now I'm not sure, I'm also afraid any repressed anger will degenerate itself in a horrific way and I don't want to feel or look like I have no control anymore. Also I think my dh will engage his charm during these sessions. Ironically, I've been a proponent for private self analysis (but only as it pertains to myself).
Hi. It sounds pretty nasty.
Submitted by barneyarff on
Hi. It sounds pretty nasty. Then your family makes judgements, too.
One thing stuck out for me. The definition of crazy is doing the same thing and expecting different results. If every time you go to a new restaurant you DH has a hissy fit, either dont take him or warn him ahead of going out that you are going to try a new place and if he doesn't want to go, he can wait outside or go eat somewhere else. Make is clear that being rude inside the restaurant will not be an option.
My family doesnt understand ADD either. It's very frustrating.Please don't isolate yourself. For me, I've just started doing things by myself or with the kids and he can go do whatever. It's like not being married but it was so miserable trying to be with him that just ignoring him and doing my own thing works better for me and the kids. DH has whined that we are conspiring to leave him out. I just tell him he is welcome to come along as long as he acts nice. Amazingly, it works.
I haven't been very happy
Submitted by copingSAH on
I haven't been very happy with myself these recently and I can't get out of the funk. Even talking to my children takes so much effort. Just like on the forum, I can get bursts of thoughts out and then my follow up responses are weak. It must have to do with how depression works. The brain is funny under stress. And under ADD/ADHD.
blder, I'm so sorry for hijacking your thread. Sometimes when I respond, it feels as if every single thread melds into each other after a while, it's all the same things we're sharing and hurting over. I hope you can find something to glean out of all our responses here.
lynninny and barneyarf, Thank you so so much for helping me through this. I may not address all the points raised so far, but I am digesting every single thing.
As for people not understanding the ADD/ADHD.... gosh so so true.... I've finally come out to some family members on both sides (with my dh's OK) and this is what I hear:
I am really, really trying to understand the former. The fact that I've become who I've become by virtue of the restrictions my ADD spouse has placed on me (financial) -- and still does -- how do I damn "do my own thing?" I want to travel, but when I tell him I plan to get a passport on my own (can't wait another 20 years) , he gets upset and accuses me of leaving him out. But suppose we end up going together, he is completely belligerent about the whole experience. How do I work around this? I think I'm so damn afraid of approaching life by myself at this point, I'm at the point of being almost agoraphobic . :(
Apparently ACA/ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) and ADD/ADHD share some of the same traits. See this article: http://adultchildrenaca.blogspot.com/2007/03/aca-add-connection-pt-3.html There is alcoholism in the family. These parallels blew me away. It describes my ADD dh to a tee. The person who sent me this link is the one who told me to give my dh the space to do his thing.
I can't move beyond the idea that I'm supposed to let him be, allow him to ignore the children, watch TV for 18 hours straight, do recreational drugs if he had the chance... am I thinking silly? I feel if there's no regulation, turns completely extreme for the one who is ADD...
plus, I've already allowed dh
Submitted by copingSAH on
plus, I've already allowed dh to do his own thing for the last 20 years. He hasn't come around yet. Someone tell me how to apply this reasoning of "letting him do his thing". I'm either blocked, or it is an impossibility to become free with it.
I'd say the only healthy
Submitted by jackrungh on
I'd say the only healthy interpretation of "let him do his own thing," would be to avoid trying to change him. He needs to change, and he needs to do it himself. The parallels to recovery from alcoholism are strong in this sense. If he isn't willing to really invest in change to make your lives better, then I'd say its over. It doesn't sound like you've been excessively trying to change him, so if he can't get serious and use therapy/meds as something other than just another subject to stim on, then I don't think there is a healthy way you can engage any longer. In my situation it took my wife threatening to leave to get me serious in looking at my ADHD as an issue to tackle. Perhaps maybe if he was absolutely certain of losing you then that might be enough of a trigger to start the ball rolling towards a healthier place. Requiring that kind of action sucks, and I'm really torn up that it had to go there for me to take her seriously, but if you love him that might be the only glimmer of hope. Unless I have the same mental blocks, I don't see you as having them. Definitely go to therapy though, even if just for yourself. 20 years of this status quo is reason enough for needing to talk things out.
I notice that my dh shares
Submitted by copingSAH on
I notice that my dh shares some of the same sensibilities as you do regarding love for their spouse (as seen from your prior posts). I am sure he has the same types of thoughts although not as analytical. He is a simple and sincere man. It's not easy getting the deeper expressions out. He's improving on medication. There is definitely something at work opening up the facilities of the ADD mind.
I just have to be a little extra patient with everything. I think it is so close for breakthrough, to the edge, my emotions spill over. I realize some (most) of my trying to change him might be viewed as ineffectual nagging. So I need to become more assertively aware of turning around before ADD behavior manifests itself. I think it was ShellyNW (?) who used the phrase "reframing" things. I have been doing that for a while but it shall have to be brought up a notch in order for it to be beneficial.
Get the passport!
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I just flew by myself (that is, without my spouse or children) for the first time in 28 years this weekend. It was wonderful! Go for it!
gosh, Rosered. I burst into
Submitted by copingSAH on
gosh, Rosered. I burst into tears as soon as I read your words. It couldn't be truer. I want it so badly.
Congratulations on accomplishing the air travel! Were you at any time stressed over it? I can only imagine how incredibly empowered you felt once it happened. Wow.
I was stressed but not
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I was stressed but not because I was traveling (one way) without my husband. I get very nervous about flying and so don't do it often. I thought that the combination of my fear of flying and my traveling alone might not be good, but it actually worked out well, for two reasons: 1) I don't look to my husband for reassurance or comfort, because he's not good at providing either; and 2) in situations in which I'm scared (e.g., painful medical and dental procedures and now, it turns out, flying), I tend to do better when I'm by myself. I have a lot of self-control.
This weekend (my daughter's college graduation) was filled with travel-related challenges that I was responsible for solving, and so it also felt good to be on the plane, not reachable by phone and thus not responsible for anything except myself.
Letting ADHD reign
Submitted by ShelleyNW on
Hello Coping. Those were rather glib and unhelpful responses from your friends. So society is generally supposed to let people do what they want, up until the point where it interferes with the rights of others. I would speculate that your rights are being infringed upon when the worst of ADHD behavior crops up. That being said it is critical that you recognize that you can not make your husband change. It took 1.5 years of therapy to get that through my thick head. But I am much more at peace now.
That does not mean that you have to put up with it. I suggest that you take some time and think about what you want your everyday life to look like. The big picture. Then identify the roadblocks in the way. Work on the things that you can control. Identify what you can't. To the extent that you need your husbands cooperation, identify what exactly you'd like to see. Rather than thinking in negative, like don't watch so much tv, frame as a positive, like being well rested to better manage moods so your time together is pleasant. Try to use I statements that show how you benefit from the change. Reward all positive behavior. Try to ignore the bad. Or make suggestions for how it could have been done differently to better end. But be careful to not have too many learning moments. No one likes being criticized.
As for traveling, get the passport. Get your husband one too. But be sure to make it clear to your husband that you are looking forward to a great trip. Identify to him your concern that his typical belligerent behavior when traveling might ruin the trip for you. If he still wants to go, get a commitment from him that he be pleasant. Agree on a code phrase to remind him when he's slipping. Travel is a stressor and all stressors can trigger symptoms.
If you end up going alone, it can be great. You only have to worry about yourself. You get to respond with genuine glee at everything you see. If you are nervous about the logistics, book a tour. Built in travel guides and companions. I have family and friends who routinely travel alone on vacations and have a splendid time. And of course there's always the bring a friend option.
We spend so much time thinking about what makes us unhappy that we don't spend nearly enough time on what will. You can't reach your goals if you don't know what they are. Good luck.
Hi Shelley. Very much agree,
Submitted by copingSAH on
Hi Shelley.
Very much agree, since joining this forum, I've been trying to identify the roadblocks between not only the ADD, but also to what motivates me from my own upbringing to react the way I do (outside of the ADD effect). I use to (and still) anticipate getting annoyed at the forgetfulness, miscommunication, mistakes that crop up, or if something wasn't done my way (hypercritical) etc. In my mind, I was turning something into a negative from the get-go. I've been slowly working on my reaction, and what kind of responses I would like to see from my dh.
If I don't want a battle, I try not to say anything at all if it is moot in the scheme of things. Try not to use accusatory words. Couching it in neutral statements that he will be open to. I used to say 'When are you ever going to fix the mold problem in the bathroom? My mother noticed it last time and I told you to take care of it but you didn't listen!!!' That would rile him up. Lately it's more like, "Let's see if we can all get together and deal with the bathroom this spring." and he is open to it. It might not happen right away, but he's not defensive, I'm not jumping to the conclusion already that he won't do it. But it is open ended that we'll revisit it and it may be another step further. And then, to realize at some point sooner or later I am truly independent of my partner and take the reins and do it myself and do a good job of it. It's not a stepping-on-eggshells scenario, because ShelleyNW as you say, I am using logic based on the "big picture."
I think so much of my frustrations came in large part from my own issues of control, and then at the same time some kind of co-dependence on the ADD situation (is co-dependence an acceptable phrase here? some people prefer something else). Plus, one has "regular" life orbiting around one that's hard enough as it is (for me it's sibling rivalry, community/competition issues, extended family issues). Because the ADD issues are so close at hand, it's the one everything else seems to be funneled through for me.
BTW, I mentioned to a close friend about the approach of us each "doing our own thing". My friend replies: "Who on earth is watching the kids, then??" And a few other choice words about the breakdown of society :)
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello blder,
Maybe like me you so wish there was a specific guideline to help us discern the exact time when we should say "enough, sayonara, adios, good-bye."
Understanding and accepting that it is an unhealthy way to live, is a start!
I have no answers for you - as I am in the same boat - but I do have the encouragement of letting you know you are not alone. This forum has provided me with alternatives and challenges to my way of thinking.
I ask myself all the time, "Have his ADHD behaviors gotten worse, or have I just grown too weary of coping with them?" I still do not have an exact answer, but I am leaning towards my own response to his behavior. I do not want to help find his wallet. I do not want to tidy up his desk. I do not want to be forgiving about being forgotten, yet again. I do not want to be understanding, well, about anything.
This weekend, I myself am sitting in a spot of extreme uncomfortable-ness - as I have decided I am going to lend something out for a weekend - and my spouse has steam coming out of his ears. "What if they break it? What if it gets ruined? Why should we lend it to them? I don;t want them to use it."
I have always changed my mind to alleviate his anger. Not this time. There is no reason to not share our blessings - other than to be selfish. I am confident they will take good care of it. I am confident if anything happens to it, it can be fixed.
It feels very testy around here, too!