I just wanted to ask for suggestions for dealing with a husband who talks incessantly. My husband is intelligent, reads a lot and even calls himself a compendium of useless information. He knows a lot of big words too. My husband speaks very loud and his tone is most the time excited. Me, I have misophonia (sensitivity and even hatred of sounds, movement, etc). I enjoy the quiet, music, being laid back. What a combination. there are times I enjoy with him, like when he is relaxed and that is mostly when he is alone with me because I don't focus all the attention on him and he just is on his laptop, watching tv or we are playing a board game or even having everyday conversation.
Here is the issue I has yesterday. We had a van full of people, 6 in total. My husband (ADHD, PTSD, and I am sure Bipolar but that is taboo for him), another woman with anxiety issues, another woman with bipolar, another woman and her 12 yr old child and myself. The ride was 1 hour and 45 minutes one way. The woman with anxiety and the woman with bipolar are Sci-Fi geeks like my husband so they chimed in and he seemed to be stoked by that and he didn't stop the WHOLE TIME. I forgot my headphones!!!!!!!!! It wouldn't be too bad if it was conversation about things everyone likes but this is Star Trek, Marvel/DC super heros (I like but don't talk about the characters as if they are real), broccoli being a hybrid, black holes, DNA, Steampunk, all sci-fi tv shows. You get the picture. There was no dead air. When we got to our destination, he shut off the car and said, "Well that was stimulating even though I did most the talking!" OMG OMG OMG, I wanted to scream "SHUT UP SHUT UP" in Steve Carrel's voice. The topics, volume, intensity of his inflection and pace was crazy! We had some laughs when I interjected with a joke or something but then he would go right back to talking. The bipolar woman got along with him well. Her husband left her last year and it seems that she was so elated to find someone right up her alley. That was nice for her. On the way back home and at the restaurant when we stopped to eat, he talked again. We saw other friends there too and one girl jokingly came to our table and said "ok, you are going to have to calm down here" since he was talking loud. He said "Hey, people have been telling me to calm down and be quiet all my life and it hasn't worked yet so...." By the time I was home at 9PM I wanted to vomit. The day started at 7AM and ended at 9PM. It was a convention too so I was sitting next to him and the whole time his leg was shaking uncontrollably, he was finishing the speaker sentences in an audible volume, just like he does at the movies, where he blurts out punchlines. It took all I had to meditate, breathe and not scream. I was fatigued, depleted and was dreaming of a quiet place in my head. I even thought of going to a bathroom stall to be alone in the quiet. My brain can actually relax when he stops talking or leaves or isn't around. When we dropped off the last person, there was a piercing silence in the car like he ran out words and no one was fanning the flame anymore. I got out of the car and went straight to bed. NO MORE WORDS were spoken and I fell asleep so fast. He went to the living room as usual to watch tv and be on his laptop. I guess I am not stimulating enough because I am over stimulated by him and I don't want to be. Mostly this happens when I am not the only person in the car. I steer him away from deep scientific conversations. Sad that we are not on the same page. I would just like to have everyday conversation and in a group setting, hear from others, instead of hearing all the same stories I have heard over the last 25 years like his horrible childhood, all the books he has read, his extensive library, mancave full of toys/action figures, his artwork, his achievments, his failures, definitiions of words as well as their origins, why the sunset has different colors, his interrupting people and correcting them as well as telling people they are wrong and telling them why. Sometimes, all I want to do is listen to music or ask other people about their life. If you ask my husband about his nationality it's an hour long about his terrible father and the abuse he suffered and then that leads to how he was bullied in school and people leave his presence depressed. If you ask him what he does for a living he will tell you how great he is at his job and then all the other accomplishments in his life. Then people ask me the same questions and I say, "I am Puerto Rican and I am an admin Assistant." End of story.
He doesn't do well when I shoosh him in restaurants or at all because he feels like a child. I don't want to be his mother. I realize after being married 25 years that he is not going to or can not change. There are some that like his talkativeness especially is they are geeks too but most times, in fact, that lights the fire more and its like he actually gets it out of his system. I hear comments from others about how hard it is to be in a car with him. He talks a lot about his achievemenst, always has insight on an issue and is very much an "I" man (I did this, I did that"). Once he was talking about quantum physics with a group of elderly people and a couple who are just simple and when he exited the car briefly, the sighed in relief and some said that the convo went over their head. Those moments are hard for me. My head aches, shoulders hurt, brain is fried.
Does anyone else have this issue? If so, what can I do to protect myself? He will not take meds, will not change, can not change, can acknowledge his issues but jokes about it like saying "too bad, I talk a lot" He has no idea how much pain his talking causes me physically and frankly, it's easier to put in earplugs than to stiffle him and tell him to not talk. But then I feel rude to do that. Someone said I should drive separately but that is not conducive to togetherness in a marriage.
I read an article today about this issue and how it can be neurological or psychological. So ADHD, Bipolar, Aspergers OR Narcissistic. I am not sure of which it is or all of them I just know how it affects me and a lot of other people except people that are just like him. This morning I looked forward to going to work to have peace. Next time, I just need to be prepared. Last year, I plugged up my ears with music but the other 5 people suffered and told me later that they couldn't deal with that all the time and had headaches. They said I deserved a medal. So sad for him because he has a reputation now and repels people but also hard for me since I am kind of stuck.
Sorry so long but had to vent.
Some Tips That Might Help?
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm laughing at myself here just so you know.....when I read this and the descriptions of how you felt.....I know it isn't funny and I don't want to minimize how exhausting and how intolerable this is for you. I do know this one very well and why it happens. If I can offer some advise here....it might help you find a way around this with your H if he's willing to listen to you and for you to help him explain what he does back to him in way that he might understand.
To sum this up for myself when this happen with me....these are the things that are coming into play....
verbal processing
stimulation and exuberance
inability to edit before speaking and come to a simple word or two instead of using all of the ones that could be used to say the same thing
actively participating and not syncing up with the other person who is speaking with you (in the moment)
releasing anxiety by talking (nervous talking or expressing tension verbally)
not being to see yourself well in the moment because you are focusing on trying to say things correctly and concentrating on speaking instead of hearing or listening which leaves you not mirroring well and not paying attention to what is going on around you when this happens
filling up space with talking (the symptom or by product of a combination of any one or more than one of these things happening all at the same time and not being able to do this any other way. Too many balls to juggle and think about all at one time in the moment and not seeing any one or the other thing while you are concentrating doing another one at the same time.
All of this has to do with executive function delays or blind spots. I'm guessing your H is very aware that he does this....but also may not be aware of the impact it's having to the degree that he thinks. That's what he might conclude but he doesn't realize the gravity or the amount (size) of the impact it's having until it's too late.
Right there is the biggest struggle I have with this not an inability to see it or even know the impact this has and how important it is not to do this and find ways around it.....until it's too late is the operant word I want to make clear. Even if you are highly aware that you do it.....it's controlling it that the issue. And to a certain degree....you can't learn how to do this unless someone else helps you with this at first and then continue to follow up with reminders in an on going as needed basis. If you're agreeable to allow someone to do this I think.....it's all you need to help catch yourself and train yourself to do something different instead.
The problem here is......the best person to help you (actually the only person) in these moments is the very person who is impacted by it and annoyed (putting this mildly as you described)
These things work for me (and don't work) and ones I have asked my wife to do with me that have really helped me through this process.
Don't Do's!!!!
Shoooshing is a very bad practice and you should try and avoid that at all costs. This is for your benefit I'm saying because this will not work. Trust me on this one....it will not serve you in any way to do this so you should focus on not doing that period. Again....this will help YOU not to do this.
Eye rolling is a really really bad one. Without going into what I know about this including research studies that have concluded that "eye rolling" is worse than saying "FUCK YOU" or "flipping the bird" at someone and this appears to be universal to everyone on a subconscious level. Very, very...... extremely bad practice!!!! Every time you eye roll.....your saying FUCK YOU to another person whether you agree with this or not. This is one of those that you can't argue with and it's been been researched and proven to have a worse effect than actually saying the words and yet I see this all the time in other people or out in public. When it happens with me in the moment or for a split second.....I feel like smacking that person right up side their head. I know the feeling and the evidence of the research only confirms what I already know....it is worse than having someone flip me the bird. No questioning how I feel when this happens...it's very true and accurate.
Again, again......this will help YOU not to do this because you will be helping yourself not him as your motivation not to.
But as an alternative......cues do need to be given....just not these two for example.
What I have asked my wife instead is to simply reach out and touch my forearm and gently hold it in her hand. Not just touch and let go but to leave her hand there for a few second or more. I'm so tactile and physically oriented that I instantly get that message even if I'm talking. The physical touch of another human cuts straight through these moments and I never miss this cue that tells me to pay attention or I need to alter my behavior in way that works better than anything else right next to the second cue that works....
Looking at my eyes and making a slight eye gesture of any kind that tells a person to pay attention to something else. Instead of reacting in irritation with an eye roll....you simply not eye rolling and changing this to another non verbal eye communication that is either agreed upon ahead of time or even if it's not agreed upon...it still tells the other person to stop doing what you are doing and pay attention to something. I can't do this by explaining it to you but if you go to the mirror and think about this.....I was able to come up several commonly used eye and facial expression that all do this very thing and everyone knows all of these already. Pick one and use it instead of eye rolling or the like and better to have agreed ahead of time that this is what that means.
This works so well for me, that all my wife has to do is give me a quick glance or a touch on the arm and I will almost instantly stop dead in my tracks. It's just a reminder of the times I do so I can practice not doing it. But without someone else doing this with you in real time.....you miss this opportunity which is exactly what you need to do to stop.
This is not going to be one of those things that will ever stop completely so you might as well try and approach it that way. But if you can do this like I'm saying and it works...you do have some control on your end since you know all you need to do is something as simple and effortlessly on your part and the amount of times or frequency and intensity of this will go away when you can stop it before it gets that far.
This is one of those times you should consider this because I have been working on this all of my life and still have less control of it than I would like. I'm very aware of it and I don't want to do it any more than you want it. All I need is the visual or tactile cue like this and nothing said or one word spoken and I will stop on a dime as I long as I get that cue in the moments when I lose my ability to pay attention to it and stop it on my own.
Take my word for it here.....this does work where nothing else has. I hope this will work for you too?
J
Thank you so much for the
Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on
Thank you so much for the suggestions. I have shooshed and I have rolled my eyes and you are right, it just frustrates him more. I have to say though that the last time I rolled my eyes it was probably because my brain was fried from his incessant talking and my optic nerve was numb and the eyes just lost control. :)
Interesting because I have tried the laying my hand on his back to calm him and yes, he is aware of his talking and a lot of times he will say in front of everyone "I better shut up now since my wife says I talk too much" which is not cool. When he is with me alone, he can take my cues and I also tell him his volume hurts my head and to just lower it a bit. However, when he is with other people, he feeds off of them, especially if they are interested in what he is saying and have similar hobbies. If I cue him then, he gets irritated and sometimes even has an attitude and that is something I want to avoid at all costs since it stresses me out more.
Someone else in the van that day who knows my husband longer than I do said that she was trying to sleep in the van on that ride and couldn't and she said that she couldn't handle that 24/7 and told me I am not crazy or overreacting. She also said he was always that way and he is actually better. Holy crap! So for me, lesson learned...always carry earphones to listen to music. When he mentions to people that I think he talks to much, I don't want to have to defend myself and others understand since they also think he talk s too much. I am trying to keep the peace here especially since I am ultra sensitive to loud sounds and he is all of those things in one. So this is about me taking care of myself since its easier than trying to teach him what is socially acceptable since he knows no boundaries and can't take a hint. I understand that the ADHD mind is a very confusing place to live and that is horrible. I truly have taken the path of least resistance here and just want to extract myself from the situation instead of constantly having to cue him like a mommy time and time again with no cumulative results. It's everyday the same reminders, everyday the same behavior..I get it, that is the nature of the issue. I am 43 and I don't want to waste my good years fighting this issue- I just want to do what is best for me right now since I know my struggle, I know myself, I can control my surroundings and walking away or escaping into a different world is easier.
I don't like the fact that when I do what I have to do to protect myself he antagonizes me at times. Like the other day he was gonna have a fit since he hit his head on the corner of the fridge door and I went to leave the room since that is easiest and he started saying things like "oh I forgot I am supposed to be happy when I am in pain" and "I guess I did the wrong thing again" and "you don't have to leave the room" and I got so upset because he was pushing buttons and interfering in my method of self-preservation. Hey, if I can leave you alone to have a tantrum, please do me the courtesy of letting me exit a room to maintain my composure and sanity. I told him that was not right and he has to respect my way of calming myself. I then heard him hitting himself again, which is something I haven't heard in 7 months and actually sent me out of the house for a month, and I firmly asked him to stop doing that. I don't think he knew I could hear him but I am glad I did since now he knows that he still needs help. He reuses meds/therapy. I find it disturbing that someone can hurt themselves like that and I know it's a source of torture for him that I know his weaknesses. This is something that is constantly in the way of my feelings for him as a wife. I feel more like a friend, a good friend, but my romantic feelings have been slowly dying for 25 years. I feel compassion.
Anyway, I will work on not shooshing and rolling my eyes and keep headphone with me...this is the least of our issues. :) Have a great weekend.
Thanks....One more Thing To Try Getting Him to See
Submitted by kellyj on
Interesting because I have tried the laying my hand on his back to calm him and yes, he is aware of his talking and a lot of times he will say in front of everyone "I better shut up now since my wife says I talk too much" which is not cool. When he is with me alone, he can take my cues and I also tell him his volume hurts my head and to just lower it a bit. However, when he is with other people, he feeds off of them, especially if they are interested in what he is saying and have similar hobbies. If I cue him then, he gets irritated and sometimes even has an attitude and that is something I want to avoid at all costs since it stresses me out more.
This is so telling. And I don't want you to leave this or think there is not more you can do here than just not shooshing or eye rolling (or not react at all) Yeah....I agree...that's not cool to put that on you. This might be addressed separately....but I think the part that he hasn't come to is just how bad this is on his part for everyone else.
Something that just happened to me is one reason that this is so difficult to get through to him. I just took our cat to a new Vet that I really liked and spent quite a bit of time talking with him about the details of his diagnosis which turned into talking about three or four other topics outside of Vetinary care. This Vet talked a lot and in great detail and explained everything very quickly but in a way that made complete sense to me. We "clicked" as they say and felt very comfortable with my experience since I got all the information I wanted ( and more ) which I not only appreciated...but was able to follow and communicate in the same was I would do it if I were him. Some where after some time in the conversation....the Vet mad a mention of his education back ground and the other things he had done before becoming a Vet. He is 70 and very spry and young looking for that age and he still works full time non stop. His comment...."I have ADHD and this accounts for my interest and ability to do this."
I went.....Ah Hah! That explains everything! I told him that I did to which just opened the flood gates for more conversation. The second I told him that was like saying to him....he didn't need to explain anymore and could continue on the same course "with me"....that might be different than another person. We both made fun of ourselves in a self deprecating humorous way and laughed it all off and agreed that people with ADHD do seem to find each other this way at times since we don't annoy each other when we do this. I've found the same things is true with a female friend and co worker of my wife who is the same way. Leave us together for a few minutes and we both sound like we are talking over each other and no one is listening. My wife says....it looks like it would be impossible to follow each other when we both are doing the same thing at the same time.
In reality....I follow my Vet and my wife's friend perfectly...and I hear everything and understand them flawlessly. Raised volume, non stop talking and conversation fo pas and all. It doesn't faze me or slow me down a bit and I certainly am not adversely affected.
That' the problem! Some people (ADHD or not)....are like this themselves and when they see or are around someone like themselves...."it doesn't bother them so it doesn't bother me?"
This is the experience you need to get out of your H's head. It will only serve to reinforce what he may not be aware of or the impact that is different than his own.
J
My H talks too much, too.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I'm sure that I've mentioned in this forum before, but my H talks nearly non-stop, unless he's watching TV, surfing the net, or listening to music. However, even watching TV with him can be a challenge because he'll talk a lot during a show or movie.
I didn't realize, at first, how much he talked because he worked long hours. I knew he was "a talker," but I didn't realize how pathological it was. And, once he retired, it became painfully worse.
A few years ago, before he retired, a co-worker left a message for him on our home answering machine. If I hadn't heard the message myself, I don't think I would have believed it. The person said something like this: "I could quickly get to the point of why I am calling, but instead, I will ramble on and on and fill up your message machine like you do at work.
That was embarrassing because I then realized that he was annoying coworkers. About 3 years ago, I realized that one reason he seemed to be getting worse, because he had become an alcoholics.
The worst part is that he expects me to hang onto his every word. Ugh. And, because he talks so much, if I try to get a word in, I practically have to interrupt him, and that makes him angry. I do wait for a pause, but he'll often deny that he was pausing. Ugh.
What You Just Described ?
Submitted by kellyj on
I think I can fairly say, this is a common theme or component to having ADHD for some of us who have it.(possibly most...but I don't know that for sure?) I have mentioned before that I get along well with my T because of the rapport that we have together. Hidden within this "rapport".....is the same thing I was just trying to describe in my experience with my Vet. It can be described in other ways as I see it. Style, delivery, timing, means of expression, order of thought in which it comes out, stream of consciousness, self reflection, self expression etc......
This depends on a couple of things and the main one is intention. If there is an "intention" (purpose) or intent behind what I say......then I am wanting someone to hear me because I have a message or some bit of information that I want to communicate to someone. I'm not wanting to simply wanting to express myself.....or rather....I am not trying to express emotions or feelings or reenact an experience in a means to pass it along to another person.....I have information that I am attempting to pass along or "transfer" to another person in every regard without trying to "express" anything.
Sometimes.....this is my only intention and it comes out sounding exactly like this.
If I am trying to express myself along with my feelings or emotions about something......that's a different story. Now I'm expressing myself with intention and these two methods or styles are very different from one another. This is where communicating gets difficult for me. I can do one or the other quite well in conversation as long as I am able to separate them and keep them separate. If I am confronted with someone who is very expressive and they are trying to convey information to me at the same time....this can get very confusing? They appear as if they are jumping around all over the place and keep flipping back and forth between the two? When they start doing this.....so do I? When I try and do this....now it feels like I am all over the place as well. It feels like I am meandering, rambling, have no context to follow and am just talking for the sake of talking. Okay....no problem. I can do this all day if this is what the person in front of me appears to be doing. If they are just saying things just to say them and express their feelings or just verbalizing their thoughts ( verbal external processing). I do this too...all the time. If that's what we're doing together then great....let's brain storm and get it all out there on the table so both of us can stand back and see it together to come to a common conclusion. Great....if this is your intention and what you are trying to do? If one person is coming at it from this direction....and the other person is competing with you in the conversation.....then they aren't working with you....they are working against you in your efforts to do this and it won't work. Time to change tack...."coming about.....hard to lee!." lol
"See dog run.". "Yes...."I see the dog?" "See car go"...."yes....I see the car?" "See cloud in sky"...."yes, I see the cloud". "I'm hot"....Yes...I'm Hot too??" Like.....WTF are we talking about here? Are you giving me a play by play of what you see and how you feel (the same thing I see and you feel and you are compelled to Narrate or be the commentator?) or are you trying to tell me something? Which one is it and what is your intention in speaking in the first place? lol My first inclination when I feel like someone is giving me a play by play of what is happening all around (us)...not JUST them....would be to say "try not to speak." lol If I'm doing this and don't realize it "try not to speak" is all I need to know to understand the same things is happening.( I'm am trying to be funny here and I am being somewhat factitious only to make this point lol)
This is where I get hung up sometimes or get drawn into a conversation that appears to have no purpose other than to express yourself and your feelings. But as soon as it turns informational or trying to convey something with in this that I need to remember or it is telling me something important that I need to do....now I have to sort out which is which and figure out the answer to this very question on my own if it is unclear to me? Which usually it i? lol
I do ask a lot of questions because of this.)live in person) That in itself can be another annoying thing for other people but it's not just a habit. I need to ask because my questions are real and legitimate in order to follow the conversation and figure out the other persons intention? This many times is met with resistance and opposition or even outright protest sometimes depending on the person. I suppose it might sound like a little kid who is always asking "WHY?"....even though my delivery and tack is not the same at all. I have learned how to do this far better than a child but.....the number of questions asked is really what I am pointing out here?
I know from many, many experiences with this that this, that it sometimes tells the other person that I don't understand or am not very smart? (the impression I get?). In reality.....just the opposite is true......I think I'm at least average in intelligence and do this so I can follow and fill in more information so I can understand thoroughly exactly what the other person is saying and leave no room for guessing. I'm not, not understanding or not, not able to follow. I just like to know everything I can and I love to learn so I'm am always curious to know more?( the ADHD component...I think it is lol) When I get the feeling that the person on the other side who feels like I'm not very smart because I ask a lot of questions.....I think they're not very smart for thinking that since it appears to me that they don't know very much or am not having very many answers if they start pointing that finger at me? This of course....is all happening through inference and assumption and is not being expressed openly. This is just one possible scenario out of hundreds of possible ones I might encounter doing the exact same thing each time.
But that's just one example of not having a good rapport with another person when you talk. If you aren't talk'in the same "lingo" or "language" at the same time....and your style is completely different....then this becomes a problem in simply understanding the words that everyone knows and what they are trying to say to you?
To finish this point and bring my T back in here is only to say.....as much as we have rapport and we talk in similar way already.....sometime he carries on way past the point of me already getting it and then stays there too long. If you don't think I don't realize I do this....guess again! lol I see him do it too and it can be a little annoying at times since we're on the clock and I'm paying him for his time. If it gets too long winded to make a point that I do get.... have learned to simple stop him and say "I understand".
With me....there is fair amount of pure perseveration in there....just repeating or "Parroting" myself at times. This isn't making the same point by saying it differently....it's just straight up repeating. That's a different story entirely and more of a dysfunction than a style and it's a little more difficult to control.
That and expressing myself for too long or too much or both. That's when it becomes more of a problem. The paradox here just so you understand it and I make myself clear.....is that you or other people want to connect and want to hear our feelings in an expressive and emotional kind of way....so to do this means we have to face trying to control these things and do it in a way that you want which is difficult to do for some (if not all of ) the reasons I just tried to explain.
That's more of an issue of "HOW".....not that we're not doing it or not. If you can consider this and see that's what's happening.....it might be easier for you to tell your H exactly that. " I love that you share and express yourself to me the way you do....but how you're dong it is the problem for me because if makes me feel like ( ) when you do it that way not that you are simply trying to say what you feel and express yourself. Nothing wrong with that in fact.....I appreciate it every time you do. Can we find a way for you to do this and for me not to feel this way at the same time?"
I can tell you straight up here without question (for me). Many times I am attempting or trying very hard to connect in the best way I can and don't know a better or different way. If I'm not allowed some grace in between my ability to do this and simply doing it at all.....the only alterative I have is to simply not do at all and stop trying after a while. I'm not getting what I want....and neither are you if that happens. There are legitimate reasons why I have trouble with this..... and for those specific reasons.....I have very few options sometimes in the choices I have to make. If you make any assumptions outside of that or read something else into it.....they all will be wrong except for the ONE reason that I just said.
The thing is (and I know this too).....no one has to like it and I assume that they don't. I proceed according and do my best to manage it and pay attention to it. That's really all I can do and the only option I have. I think....this is the only thing you can do too......get your H to see what I just said. I bet he would agree with me on most of the things I said ONCE he could see it the same as I do now.
The problem is.....he just can't see it yet. That should be your singular goal.....not to criticize and point out the obvious. This won't get you anywhere unless you are just fine with the way it is?
For your sake OW (since I was offering some perspective for everyone who reads this too)....I think I do know specifically what you are talking about?
How about (?)....... "when I want to speak it's Okay to speak and I expect to be listened to (with no apparent context to anything?)
"When I don't want to speak....it's not Okay to speak and I don't want to listen.....( for the same no apparent context to anything?)
And if you don't do this and can't somehow follow them or magically know what's happening at any given moment... when it's time and when it's not time....they get irritated or angry with you?
This is like walking on egg shells and the feeling you get from this..... is it not? How do you know if they don't tell you or say anything else? No intention....no context....no understanding and no explanation.....and they aren't giving you anything else to go off of? Like...WTF?
Something like that?
I don't know if this is part of ADHD or not but I do know what this is like and have had this same experience.....(and I ADHD?) I don't know what to conclude here?
J
The thing is (and I know this too).....no one has to like it and
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
>>>>
The thing is (and I know this too).....no one has to like it and I assume that they don't. I proceed according and do my best to manage it and pay attention to it. That's really all I can do and the only option I have. I think....this is the only thing you can do too......get your H to see what I just said. I bet he would agree with me on most of the things I said ONCE he could see it the same as I do now.
The problem is.....he just can't see it yet. That should be your singular goal.....not to criticize and point out the obvious. This won't get you anywhere unless you are just fine with the way it is?
For your sake OW (since I was offering some perspective for everyone who reads this too)....I think I do know specifically what you are talking about?
How about (?)....... "when I want to speak it's Okay to speak and I expect to be listened to (with no apparent context to anything?)
"When I don't want to speak....it's not Okay to speak and I don't want to listen.....( for the same no apparent context to anything?)
And if you don't do this and can't somehow follow them or magically know what's happening at any given moment... when it's time and when it's not time....they get irritated or angry with you?
This is like walking on egg shells and the feeling you get from this..... is it not? How do you know if they don't tell you or say anything else? No intention....no context....no understanding and no explanation.....and they aren't giving you anything else to go off of? Like...WTF?
Something like that?
I don't know if this is part of ADHD or not but I do know what this is like and have had this same experience.....(and I ADHD?) I don't know what to conclude here?
>>>>
I'm not sure what you're saying above.
H will talk non-stop. He will even change subjects without any sort of segue. For instance, he may be talking about our older son, and of course, H would be using the pronoun, "he," during the conversation. But then, something will trigger in his head, and he'll begin talking about our other son, WITHOUT mentioning that son's name, and WITHOUT any indication that he's changing the subject. I will then be lost and look lost, while I try to figure out who he's talking about. If I interrupt him and ask, H will get angry and say that I'm "not listening," and be annoyed that he has to go back and clarify.
When he was still working, he'd call me from work about 1 pm and say something like, "I have a deadline that I have to meet by tomorrow. My boss just gave me more work. I'm thinking of leaving work at 6pm, but then I have to go to the pharmacy to pick up a Rx. But, I may then go to the gym. If I go to the gym, I'll be home at 8:30. However, if I'm too tired after I pick up the Rx, I may come right home. If so, then I'll be home before 7pm. If my boss comes back and gives me something that needs to be done today, then I don't know when I'll be home." <<< and this was a SHORTENED version. Seriously, he could tell essentially this same story in about 5 paragraphs of words...and during that time, I'm pulling out my fingernails because that is less painful. Get to the point!!!
Ugh. I really did not want this "blow by blow" description on a frequent basis. I would tell H, "I just want to know if I should delay making dinner or not. In cases like this, just tell me that things are up in the air, and you'll let me know when you can." PERIOD. Sometimes, I'd just let his calls go to voicemail, but even listening to those were awful. Just the facts, please.