My husband is ADHD and I am not; we've been married 17 years. I love him dearly. His ADHD habits, however, make me feel worn down and thin on years of patience. His habit is to grope and grab me when I'm in the midst of activities such as cooking and other household duties. I have a history of sxual trauma that leaves me always in a state of alert self protection. While I've done years of counseling and therapy, he is not open to it. He keeps telling me that it's what he wants and I need to get over it. I'm so very, very uncomfortable and even scared at the idea of non-consentual sexual touch and intimacy. I feel like if we could connect at the best friends level again, it would help. When I speak up to voice "here's what would help me", in a non-accusing manner, he always counters with "well I need sex" (and sometimes "because I'm a guy, I need it). I'm 41 years old and tired, but love him and want it to work.
Incessantly gropes me; history of sxual trauma
Submitted by Ctyrdk on 05/10/2017.
Hi Ctyrdk
Submitted by c ur self on
I can see both sides for sure...I'm not agreeing with his seemingly lack of empathy for your past trauma...But I do understand his desire to playfully love, squeeze and touch his beautiful wife....My first wife had been molested by a brother in law at age 14...She blacked it out and never even remembered it until she was in her forties...So I've been there....It is so sad when we get hurt in away that it hinders the beauty of what intimacy in our marriages could be like, and should be like....It sounds like you have put the work in to try to separate the Sin against you vs the beauty of marital intimacy....
I don't know how to help you...except to say...Keep telling yourself he loves you and he is no threat!...You are his, and he is yours!
Blessings
C
Thank you for your reply and
Submitted by Ctyrdk on
Thank you for your reply and kind thoughts, c ur self! Much appreciated.
Grabbing
Submitted by jennalemone on
Hi Ctyrdk. When we were young marrieds H would do this. His brother would also do this to his wife and try to do it to others in the in-laws always laughing. It was a habit they must have gotten from their father who must have done it when they were young and their mother thought it was cute or a game. Here is what to do, now that I have some better perspective and that it is in the 21st century where strong women are not necessarily bitches. Next time he does it (especially if it is in public) say, 'Stop it! (loudly). I don't like that. It demeans me!". He will certainly like that and still keep doing it. Then the next time, say "Stop it. It demenas me and the next time you do that, I will grab you HARD where it hurts!". He will still probably do it again because words only excite him. He is crossing a boundary that you you have asked him to respect and it obviously hurts you when he keeps forgetting or does not respect you. The next time he does it, say "Stop it! That demeans me!" and then without a second passing send the message with a punishment that hurts (especially if it is in public). Then, don't laugh or giggle (as if you are playing/kidding) but keep the boundary seriously in tact. That is the art of war......and your H has been bombing you for years and laughing. Don't let it continue.
c, to put this in perspective, what would your reaction be if you asked your wife to stop touching or grabbing you in that way in public? Not even including that you might have been sexually invaded against your will by a strong woman in your youth? Would you giggle and tell yourself that it was just good time play? Or would you see it for what it was after you asked her not to do it anymore because it demeans you?
The Art of War / The Art of Love
Submitted by jennalemone on
OK. So we really don't want our relationships to be like a war being in defiant battles. But what does a smaller weaker country do when there is another, stronger country crapping on it and laughing? When war is not an option (or a desirable place to live in), how does the reciever of unwanted grabbing (or other unwanted actions/inactions) hold it's head up and have self respect without constantly standing on guard playing offence/defence. Even more, how does the one who is being crapped upon (boundaries not respected) be expected to be in partnership and vulnerably accepting (sex) with the big oaf?
There is a blogger/speaker who makes sense on relationships/partnerships that, for me says it like I think it....If someone loves you, you know it...it doesn't have to be a battle - From the blogs of James Michael Sama: "A good man will never be abusive. Perhaps the most important point of all. Whether it be mentally, emotionally or physically, a good man will never even think about being abusive towards you or harmful in any way. If this happens to you, please have the courage and respect for yourself in order to talk to someone or walk away immediately. No good person would ever act like this, and it will not get better on its own."
This is absolutely correct Jenna...Same for a good women....
Submitted by c ur self on
("A good man will never be abusive. Perhaps the most important point of all. Whether it be mentally, emotionally or physically, a good man will never even think about being abusive towards you or harmful in any way.)
I Corinthians Chapter 7, the first 6 or 7 verses gives instructions to believers how this should happen in our marriages...For this to happen, there must be Love and Trust of each other...And a complete openness...Many men and women drag so much sin around from their past, and even sin and abuses in their current relationships, that the hurt may make it where they never are able to experience a marital relationship w/ this kind of love, trust and openness...It effects us all....
When I was about 14 spending the night w/ friends, I felt someone touch me (I was a sleep on a palate in the living room) my friends Mom (she was probably in her late thirties) lead me into a empty bedroom...This happened several times...I didn't understand the negative impact it would have on me later when I started dating and having girl friends...I had to get healing from this to understand how to act, (respect and keep my hands to myself) w/ girls.....Sin effects us all....
C
I'm speechless
Submitted by jennalemone on
I will be thinking about you and your younger self and all the naive youth and also those people who don't know their own bodies or their own strength, and those who have been taken advantage of. And I will be thinking of Ctyrdk who does not want to make her husband angry and believes she must deny her own anger while he tells her that her body belongs to him.
Thank you Jenna, for
Submitted by Ctyrdk on
Thank you Jenna, for understanding that it isn't fun at all. It's hurtful and makes me feel scared. I've said hundreds of times over the years, 'Please stop, and hug me instead". Sometimes, even often, he gets mad at me for saying that, and says he has needs and wishes I would just let him be himself. Of course I want to be loved, and touched lovingly as well. But relentless groping, with no laughs or giggles from me, and with pleas to stop..... all I can say is it must be his brain wiring that causes it. I think the part that makes me the most sad is thinking back on the times I've had the courage to speak up and say stop, he often gets mad and blames me. Then I feel like a horrible person and a failure as a broken wife. (Whew! Good to get that out : )
I hope I wasn't misunderstood...
Submitted by c ur self on
My comments was about actions in the privacy of our homes, and bedrooms...Never in public or in front of others...
C
Ctyrdk I Started a Long Winded Post to You....
Submitted by kellyj on
the other day before anyone had responded to you including my experiences with what I'm calling a strong sex drive. I realized now in my past this is in part, in relationship to intense impulses and drives that manifest them in other ways too. I think, in part on that primal level....perhaps stronger than on average which was confirmed by a councilor once simply saying....normal but on the high side. This seemed to fit what I had my own thinking about this on my own? All that really means is a strong desire or interest in sex but this eas extremely apparent when I was younger in my early youth ( after puberty and the hormones kicked in ). You could simply call it a strong, sexual response but nothing out of the norm or any thing unusual or out of the norm as far as inclinations goes. It's difficult to compare yourself in this way to anyone else since this is just "those feelings" again. This has nothing to do with what you do it with it though, however, I would be remiss in saying, and on average from all reports from both men and women that the frequency or the amount of sex that men and woman naturally want ( as a gross generalization ) seem to show this balance to be weighted more towards men wishing they could have more...and women not matching to that as often which is what seems to be a common response when asked or that they experience. That does not account for why that is with women and it's just the way it appears to work more often than not. Again, nothing too uncommon or nothing new there I think?
After reading the thoughts about this from other people commenting, I really thought about this standing back and remembering my past and the way I was in my late teen or in my earliest sexual experiences with my 1rst long term relationship with my girlfriend at the time. This was in essence, my first experience on going with sex for the first time in my life at age 19 when I was at my peak you might say as far as my sex drive goes. This is also where I made the most mistakes and learned things the hard way not having anyone teach me anything in every way possibly. Awkward fumbling and not really knowing exactly what to do at times especially with that drive that seemed to be insatiable happening all the time? Admittedly, and naively, having this notion ( without thinking to deeply into this ) that once I was given permission to have sex now on going....that there was this assumption that my partner would automatically feel the same way? Like "well, you grab me when we are getting intimate...so it's Okay to grab you ( where ever in privacy of course ) anytime I want? And I do remember getting a hard lesson in rejection when my girlfriend didn't feel the same way about that?
What I'm saying, or trying to say is.....that did not continue on...once I got the message even if I felt like it....the answer was clearly NO. All I really wanted to say here to just to add into this is.....from where I sit and from what I just said....this reeks of immaturity to me? The same as I was for that brief time....when I was just oblivious, naive, inexperienced and immature? But I had no problem understanding NO...when I heard it, even then? I stopped being that way, almost immediately after I was rejected? It didn't make the feelings go away, but I just learned to live with it? As I talked to other men at the time and later....I discovered I was in good company and I was not alone in my experience at the time and seemingly the reports of wanting or needing to have sex more often than their partners did, was not that unusual at all? Just from my experience and the reports by both men and women?
The only thing that I can register with myself or as means to identify what you are saying just sounds like someone who is really quite immature in this way? The only way I can account for that really just to put this into the picture being an ADHD man myself? Lack of self control...and just not being able to control your impulses? Impulse control can be a problem and a challenge as part of having ADHD? Bottom line though...it's still no excuse. Just an explanation to put this into perspective.
J
J thank you for openly
Submitted by Ctyrdk on
J thank you for openly sharing your thoughts and personal stories. It's so encouraging to see the threads of life all woven together in suport of each other. Be well :)