Guys, I'm struggling...really struggling....at this exact moment it's down to the fact that I feel like me - any part, my thoughts, my feelings, my needs, my wants, ANY of it - are not considered AT ALL or at any point by my ADHD husband. It's infuriating and frustrating, but more importantly. It HURTS SO BAD. So badly. Like, it hurts me so much and is so painful that all I can figure out is relief will only come if I leave him. Genuinely. I don't cry much anymore about my situation, but at this point, I just feel numb and pain and hurt and rejection. And I cried today, just now. A LOT.
And I think it's because I have a boss that I work for that has the same traits as my spouse, I work from home remotely and it feels like this means I can never escape this hurt or pain. Like this is what it's going to be for the rest of my life (it won't be, I'll make sure of it but right now, it feels like it).
So my marriage is extremely rocky, my husband is home at the moment (without diving into details, there is no change of him leaving the home just of yet due to medical issues) so my biggest relationship is here at home and I also WORK in my home with someone online who I also struggle with communication and feeling like I'm actually considered and not steam rolled over. And before medical issues took place in my house, I was realising this and made plans to start working away from home, but now, that's not possible for the immeidate next 3 weeks.
But like... yall, what do the rest of you do about this? How do I even start to sit in it or process it or anything?? I don't even know how to communicate this to my husband because most things when I speak to him, I get cut off, talked over, dismissed, denied or deflected. Every. Day.
People have their breaking point and I am wondering if I've reached mine.
Hi Off the Roller
Submitted by J on
All I can offer you is some perspective based on what you just said. About your boss. If it's a corporate situation...I see it this way.
A corporation is not a person, it's an "entity" that exists for one reason only. To survive and be profitable. It is 100% self serving in the strictess way, it has no soul.
And people in that environment are there to serve the entity and get rewarded for doing that well. The ones at the top got that way because, in themselves, are somewhat that way already which is why they rise to the top. Some even become President because they're so suited to that kind of mind set.
But people are different. Unless they're complete sociopaths, without conscience or remorse, much like the corporate entity, which most people aren't. The vast majority in fact. They ( we ) all have redeeming qualities that make us human. No one is all bad or all good.
But as I've found, much like Luke Skywalker in Star Wars ( nerding out here )....he had to face his biggest test by entering the cave to face the dark side. And what he found when the helmet came off was himself. He had to see his own darkness in order to see the light. It's very difficult in fact, to see the light in others unless you do that first. Nearly impossible I'd say from my own experience.
That's all I got....but it is from my own experience.
J
breaking point
Submitted by honestly on
I've hit my breaking point a bunch of times, but never managed to leave. I have tried, really tried, got my finances together and accommodation and packed a bag. I've said in posts here that we're separating. But I've not been able to do it. It's not him that's keeping me but the paralyzing fear of causing my children pain. I have come to accept this about myself - that I can't push through their pain. So I've had to continue on past breaking point, haul myself back together, accept the blame he dishes out and continue in a relationship that in no way meets my needs, because I know right now I don't have the strength to leave.
And how I've done this is a wee bit doomy and pragmatic. I think that if you can stop hoping for things they can't deliver, you stop being hurt by them.
It's like deciding to stop banging your head on your desk. The desk is still there, whether you bang your head on it or not; it was never going to be changed by you banging your head against it. When you stop, the wonderful thing is very soon your head starts to hurt a little less. And maybe eventually all the pain fades away.
So I guess what I'm suggesting is that you try and stop hoping for empathy and kindness and your thoughts and feelings to be taken into account by him. Because this will only cause you pain.
And find your comforts elsewhere. You have to take care of you; you have to put yourself first to whatever degree you can. Show yourself love and kindness. Be your advocate and best friend. Be a little selfish. Treat yourself. Cherish your friendships. Make time for your wider family. Getting out of the house and into nature whenever you can will help.
But this, I think, is key for me. He's not to blame, as such, for being an object on which I hurt myself, no more than the desk is. I'd prefer to leave, but I'm too weak, so instead I just stopped expecting anything from him.
I know that's might seem a bit bleak, but there's a kind of beauty to in accepting what we cannot change, and flowing around it instead.
good luck to you. X
You will know
Submitted by Catterfly on
Hi Off the Roller,
I was where you describe for a long time. Several years at least. Things were horrible but I told myself that sharing custody of the kids would be much much worse - because then I couldn't protect them from his emotional disregulation.
The kids are savvier than we think, though. Over New Year's this year, they asked me to leave him. Not that they don't love him, but they couldn't take the rages any more.
That was a huge catalyst for me. Coupled with that was the fact that he refused to learn about ADHD or take any responsibility for his anger issues. His behaviour was always always someone else's fault. And he felt entitled to it.
Life has a way of pointing you in the right direction, whether that is to stay or leave in your case. Eventually, you'll know for sure which way you want to go.
For now I completely agree with honestly. Focus on you. Build up the support systems and networks that you would need in order to make a move in the future, or to keep you happy in your life now.
Double impact
Submitted by Swedish coast on
So sorry. I agree with J in that a company can be expected to use you and cares nothing for you. It's still possible to have an enjoyable work life - if your personal life makes some room for your needs.
But this you describe sounds like double impact from a rigid and demanding spouse and a rigid and demanding boss. None of them respects your individual self, or your boundaries. And even worse, you have to handle both these forces within your home. Then you have no safe place, or relief.
I've been unhappy at work, to different degrees, for many years. I always thought it was the workplace. During and after divorce, this same workplace has been my greatest resource for feeling appreciated and stimulated. In retrospect it looks like the discomfort of work had a lot to do with my private life being dysfunctional. Since my ADD ex husband was ill (depression and anxiety) and there were recurring RSD episodes, I was dragged down at home.
I could have made career changes as the last resort to save the marriage. But in retrospect, I'm very glad I didn't quit at work. It now makes me independent. And actually it's fun.
I guess what I want to say is, if the total impact is unbearable, sometimes it's not the private life that should be conserved at all costs. Corporations aren't kind. We need our private life to make up for it. I believe we need our private life to support us as individuals whether we're in the workforce or not.
I ache for you. Only wish there were some easy way out.
Breaking point
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey Off the Roller... for me, I really had to accept that the only one who could change my situation was me. I had to give up hoping he would be willing to do anything differently. I tried for years to encourage him to improve our relationship, address the ADHD, work with me to ensure both of our needs were met in the relationship, etc... but his actions clearly told me he was not willing/able to work on anything. So if he wasn't going to change, that meant all change must come from me if I wanted a different outcome. I tried a few things on my end to stay in the relationship (e.g. staying but living as though I was single), but ultimately I did end up leaving my 20-year marriage (almost 4 years ago). There will never be a time when I wish I didn't have to do that to get relief and save myself. I still long for the forever relationship with him I thought I had in the early hyperfocus years. I wish so much that he would have been willing/able to hear me, see me and work with me. Leaving was so hard and I still feel the impact of that decision I never wanted to make in my body and life every day. But leaving also did relieve me of hurt you describe and it's so clear now that it was the only way given my partner was not going to change. I forget if you have children, but leaving has also been the healthiest choice for our child, who was also very much impacted by the unaddressed ADHD behaviours that were killing me.
I understand how hard this is. You're in a place where there are no good decisions. Period. Every path leads to pain of some sort and it's just awful. I'm sorry you're going through this.
So sorry....It's a lonely life....
Submitted by c ur self on
After 16 years I've asked mine to leave, (she has a empty house, so she is getting it fixed up to move in to) I have no real good reason for why I waited this long...Just hoping and praying that one day a light would come on...I kind of went through stages....anger and attempting to fix it.....finally acceptance and boundaries......But, when a person is lock in a self centered mind, (mostly blind to the feelings of others, and complete indifference to their responsibilities as a spouse)....It's really no marriage taking place...So I just want to be alone, and free of all the negativity...At least life itself will force her to be somewhat responsible... (bills, groceries, house and yards etc..) And I want have a hoarding, messy border, living in my guest room....
I will always pray for her...Maybe someday she will be able to look back and see....
c
How are you feeling?
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I think about you Off the Roller ❤️