Hello All,
I am 39 years old and was diagnosed with ADHD 4 weeks ago and have had the usual veil lifted. I am currently taking a time release Adderall, low dose and I have been referred to a CBT. All good things I know. Honestly I am looking forward to learning more than I have and working diligently to accept and grow with having an actual diagnosis.
A short summary is that I struggled in school but managed a decent GPA, I came from a small school so I was gifted the opportunity to play 3 sports a year, participate in German club, FFA, FBLA, Band, Marching Band, Knowledge Bowl Team, Math Team and I worked for the family farm anytime that I had a vacation from school. After high school I struggled to stay focused and did not perform well in college because my structured high school life was no more. I floated around for a few years and I starting dating my wife at 23. Like a true ADDer I asked her to marry me after 8 1/2 months of dating, we were married 9 months after that. Honestly, best decision of my life. I started school again and was getting a 4.0. Then my Dad had to have major heart surgery and I started going to school 4 days a week and driving 150 miles a day to take over the farming responsibilities. Soon thereafter my wife and I moved to the farm and I started farming full time and going to school online full time. About a year after I joined my father in the trucking venture that he had for many years. So at that point I was going to school full time, trucking full time and farming in between. Not but a year later we were pregnant with our first. So 9 months later I was going to school, trucking, farming and trying to be a father...full time.
Unfortunately between a few bad crops and my parents accrued debt those ventures failed and my wife understandably wanted to see more of me. But, what I ended up feeling was a sense of failure that I still harbor today. After those ventures failed I quickly finished my degree and pursued a career in insurance...I tried the office life. After a year and a half of unhappiness in my career and a new found love of making sure my children ate healthy foods, my wife and I started a new farming venture, one on the smaller scale than the 2000 acre one I had with my father, and we started trying different types of farming.
So, after many years of trial and error, learning animal husbandry, trying to find a niche in the marketplace and marketing and branding our butts off we finally had something to show for it. My wife and I were running 10,000 pastured meat birds that we sold nationwide, we had an egg laying flock of 700, we were running cattle and I was farming both hay and grains. More information than necessary but I wanted to qualify what happened next. Our flocks came down with a bacterial infection. That year we lost over 8,500 birds and all of the birds that we processed came in under weight. Needless to say we were not able to continue farming and we had to move everything we had back to my hometown, 450 miles away. Twenty four loads of stuff and animals later (I still have another 4 loads to bring back and some very large equipment) I found myself extremely depressed. I wasn't in a rut, I was in a canyon with a pile of boulders on top of me. For me farming has and is my life and I do not see myself doing anything outside of agriculture, it is my identity (see suicide rates of farmers and the accompanying articles and it helps paint the picture). So after having now having 3 failed business ventures go down by the time I was 37 made me feel like an absolute failure.
To cope with the depression and the ADHD that seemed to be ramping up during this period I was using alcohol to cope, escape and for whatever reason gave me enough clarity to focus my thoughts so I could at least take an idea and follow it through in my mind. The last became something of a target with my alcohol. I would sometimes find myself abusing alcohol, severely, in the middle of the day so that I could find the clarity to make sense of the myriad of ideas/thoughts that flood my mind. So, I have given alcohol up, possibly for good, because of the turmoil that I found it caused in my life. ADHD meds are helping but the counseling is what I believe is going to help me unlearn some of my defense mechanisms and behaviors.
This long spiel is out there because I know that for the last couple years my wife has had to put up with a lot of crap with me. My depression and alcohol abuse made the emotional outbursts that I used to have much worse, sober or not. Since discovering my ADHD I have had enough self awareness to recognize why something small will send me into such extreme anger, it doesn't change what happens but I now recognize it. Throughout all of the failure that we experienced in the past 2 years I have still been able to keep that dream alive, to farm and produce good foods. We have taken our last dollars and tried to make a go of it again with a more precise focus. At the same time we are navigating debt collectors and the inevitable bankruptcy (which also causes an extreme amount of anxiety). So my ADHD mind continues to spin a million miles a minute, coming up with different ways to improve our operation or to expand it. The expansion part is where my wife and I have a large miscommunication problem. Through my education I have been taught to look towards the future and never stay complacent with where you are. To set goals and to at least have a loose business plan/goals, that can guide the business towards something. I am not innocent by any means here, I tend to have several different ideas that I am constantly working on in my mind and I can typically run a cost benefit analysis in my mind as I am working throughout the day. So I am certain that at times I sound like a broken record and it is probably scary that I am always coming up with new business ideas when we are currently under financial duress.
So my wife gets upset with me, I in turn get upset with her, the argument escalates into a fight and then my emotions take hold and it just gets worse. My new tactic which actually upsets my wife more, is that I stop talking and shut down because I know I am going to make it worse. In regards to my pattern of thinking and trying to come up with new ways to make the business work I do not know how to slow or stop that. If I was going to be able to do that, I would have to be on a pretty strong tranquilizer.
So I don't know how to proceed. I don't know how to stop looking. I do not know how to slow that part of me down. I certainly understand that I need some very serious help in concentrating and focusing but that is not going to stop the way my mind works.
Sorry for the explanation, just wanted the situation to fully explained.
How do you see yourself?
Submitted by jennalemone on
"We have taken our last dollars and tried to make a go of it again with a more precise focus. At the same time we are navigating debt collectors and the inevitable bankruptcy..." "For me farming has and is my life and I do not see myself doing anything outside of agriculture, it is my identity."
My husband also felt as though he could not take a job because his old business was his "identity". His business did not pay the bills. His identity was more important to him than we were. He did not want to change his view of himself. He let me support us for the past 20 years. Now at the end, his identity is that he didn't support his family. My identity is that I put up with a guy whose dreams were more important to him than his family's well being and financial security. Your view of yourself does not seem to be in line with reality. Small farms are not paying the bills these days.
This is where the anxiety begins. This is where divorce begins. Loss of financial security and trust. It seems, from past experiences, that you should not run your own business, just like now I realize my H should not have had his own business. He should have had a regular paycheck and some health insurance and some financial planning/investments made for us by an employer. He thought he was cute to live "by the seat of his pants" as he laughingly put it. It is not cute. It destroys trust and security. Who are you expecting to pay up the debt? Find a job and work a farm for a hobby. You have proved to yourself that you need the structure of a paying job....It would seem that everyone's anxiety would be eased if you had a regular job. Yes, many days we don't like to go to work at a job. That is what grown ups do because they have loved ones they want to take care of. Jobs can suck but bankruptcy and denial and divorce and anxiety suck worse.
Here is a question for you. What would you think of your wife if SHE picked up the slack and worked hard at a job (while also doing all the housework and parenting) so the bills could be paid? Then what would you think of her and yourself after the years have gone by and she can't stand the sight of you? Your identity is right now being a farmer who doesn't pay the bills.
Thank you but I am looking for communication advice
Submitted by adhdfarmer on
jennalemone,
I am responding with slight defensiveness. My first 2 business ventures were with my father and were under the umbrella of a Joint Venture. The biggest reason the venture with my father failed was that I was trying pull my parents out from under a monster amount of debt but was unable to do so despite working 20 hour days.
As for the farming venture that my wife and I took on, we were hit with a biological disaster. Blaming either my wife or I, for the infection of both poultry strains of mycoplasma which led to us losing our farm...is like blaming the person with ADHD for the sky being blue. Having to pick up 100+ dead birds a day, watching birds suffer through an infection that we could not cure, was hell. Squeezing mucous from turkeys' sinuses so they could breathe again, having to put down hundreds of birds myself, emotionally devastating.
I apologize, I must not have made my post clear. I was outlining some of my ADHD tendencies and my background so that I could seek constructive advice regarding communication with my wife about the business we both operate together. It is a venture that she is also passionate about, she just did not grow up on a farm.
The issue at hand is that I am trying to put what I learned in business school to practice and my wife, the wonderful person she is, is solely focused on the here and now. We both have the same objective we just have serious communication barriers that are exacerbated by my ADHD.
Communication
Submitted by jennalemone on
The "...reason the venture with my father failed was that I was trying pull my parents out from under a monster amount of debt but was unable to do so despite working 20 hour days."
"As for the farming venture that my wife and I took on, we were hit with a biological disaster."
Read your own words. This is not working. You wrote that you are one step ahead of bankruptcy.
I am a spouse who put up with too much and now at retirement we are stuck with H's history of refusal to work a regular job but rather his promises that next year his business would be better. "I'm working on it" he said a thousand times. I believe H lost respect for me for putting up with him. Believe me, you think your wife is behind you 100%, I would advise you to have a talk with her about where you are both going with the farming venture and your futures. Make a budget and a financial plan with a finanacial planner together. And I would say to you LISTEN to her. I was a "wonderful person" too when I tried and worked for a "partnership" and encouraged and supported H to follow his heart and I stood behind him, with vulnerable, naive hope. Your wife is probably passionate about the marriage and family success....rather than the farming success, really. Talk to her and ask her if she thinks you are both on the right path. Ask her the tough questions. Let her ask the tough questions without emotion or drama.
You stated the problem yourself
Submitted by adhd32 on
The issue at hand is that I am trying to put what I learned in business school to practice and my wife, the wonderful person she is, is solely focused on the here and now.
She is focused on the here and now because it is the only time that matters. Right now. I think she is concerned that you do not have a short and long term business plan. What are your firm business plans for tomorrow, next week, next year? Where is that money coming from to implement them? If you own a business you need to be able to answer these questions. There is no time to wait around while you are putting business theories into practice. The building is on fire now and she is sounding the alarm.
Could anyone else out there help?
Submitted by adhdfarmer on
I am really looking for some help in the communication department here. I am not looking for business advice or career advice. My wife and I have a clear path forward and have forged some very meaningful relationships in the world of farming and direct marketing. Considering our situation bankruptcy will be a sigh of relief when it finishes.
Part of good communication is
Submitted by Libby on
Part of good communication is listening. Just as Jenna advised listen to what your spouse is saying.
Business Plan? Write it down.
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Farmer, I suggest writing down your business plan so it can be reviewed dispassionately (as much as that is possible) by your wife (and you). This will help clarify the opportunities and risks involved. The two of you can further discuss the possible impact on your family of pursuing the business plan but you must be open to consider options outside of that business plan too. These decisions will set the course for your family for years so it is worth the effort, however difficult, to come to an explicitly acknowledged understanding and agreement as to what is being attempted. I wish you and yours the best...
Communication, etc.
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
In our house, we have had success with implementing structured "family meetings." The rule is that if someone calls one, we must all assemble at the table within 10 minutes. At this time we have a "talking towel." If you hold the towel, you talk. If you don't, you listen. It's that simple. Those are the rules and it has really helped my ADHD husband slow down and listen to what we are saying and to think before he speaks vs. react. And I shouldn't say just him... the talking towel has helped me temper my reactions as well! These family meetings are significantly calmer for us than when we have an unstructured conversation or disagreement. There is little to no raising of voices. We have made much more headway on family issues this way.
Honestly, I have to concur with the other posters. I respect your passion for farming and bringing healthy food to the table. But how is this working for your family beyond food? "Inevitable bankruptcy" is an unbelievable amount of stress for you and for the children who are dependent on you. I would be devastated if my husband's passion put us in financial ruin. And I'd be despondent if after a bankruptcy, he still insisted on pursuing that same passion that already devastated us. After all these years, isn't it time to make the hard decision to do something you love a little less for the family you likely love more than farming? As the non-ADHD partner, I can tell you that when my husband puts his own desires first, despite the costs, risks and my feelings about what he's doing, it makes me feel like he doesn't care about me or my welfare. I have a feeling your wife and children would feel more cared for if you took care of them in all the other ways that are as important as healthy food. What if you asked your wife straight out, "Do you wish I would quit farming and get a 9-5?" If you asked your children, "Do you wish I would spend less time in the fields and more time with you?" Don't your kids deserve some help with college and your wife a secure retirement? Or is your love for farming stronger?
Please know I am not belittling the incredible work you do and the time you have committed to it. Just... you aren't the first person to have to let a dream go to make a decent living. Sucks, but if you can't guarantee financial success next time (and as you've pointed out, with the uncontrollable factors that surround farming, you CAN'T), you shouldn't put your family through this again, no matter how much you want to do it for you. You've had your turn(s). Now it's theirs. Just my two cents.
I also wanted to congratulate you for getting help with ADHD. I hope so much that it improves your life and best of luck no matter what you decide.
Sometimes there are topics
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Sometimes there are topics that two people aren't going to agree on. Although the negative communication pattern (e.g., anger, shutting down) doesn't help, it is not the thing leading to the disagreement. That is, I don't think that if you explain your business plans to your wife in a different way, she will respond by saying, "Oh, yeah, great idea!" I think she will still disagree. So, while I think it's a good idea to try to communicate without getting angry, doing so won't be the magic solution in your situation.
Communication.....
Submitted by c ur self on
Farmer you got some great advice here....Communication is simple enough when we go into the conversation with the understanding that there is a very good chance we are not going to agree....At that point it makes it so much easier to listen... That is, if you really care to communicate more than you desire to press your point (inflict your will)....LOL....
When our priorities are right....We're not scared to look at the big picture, and allow it to cause us to ask ourselves the tough questions.....
c
Communication
Submitted by lehanslip on
To a Farmer from a Rancher Wife.
I’ve been with my husband for 18 years. Just celebrated 15 years of marriage. He is from a ranching family. Farmers/ranchers have wonderful hardworking values that I can tell you have from your writing. Another positive in your life is education and eloquent writing skills. I only wish my husband had the other two. He too is a hard worker. Passionate about his family, passionate about work, fearful about losing his family.
A condition of our marriage is that he takes his medication. If he does not, I am not staying. He also used/uses alcohol to self medicate. Along with the ranching lifestyle, he is in the oilfield work. Language is a a huge factor along with temper/anger. It is not tolerated in this household. Meaning that when he escalates, I leave to another room. If he follows, I ask him to leave politely. If he continues to argue, I again ask him to leave. Until he is calm, I will not engage. Because I am in control of my emotions and not responsible for his, I will not own his anger. It could be as trivial as there are no spoons cleans or our son ate the chips for school lunch even though he ate a bag last night.
My best suggestion for trying to improve communication with your wife (and congratulations for even thinking of her! ❤️) is to go to counseling together, and on your own. Also go to the library. Check out the book for her called “Boundaries”. Wonderful book! Boy it sure helped me with saying no. Red book. There is one for raising teens also! It is green!
And take your wife out on dates. Do the dishes without being asked one day, put away a load of laundry without telling her or pointing it out. My husband will do something nice and before I can even say Thank You, or acknowledge him, he asking for a “cookie” or an “atta boy.” Put gas in her car without being asked. Just treat her like when you first started dating her. Instead of her taking care of you, maybe take care of her in subtle ways. Before you know it, the small things you’ve been doing will open up the communication block.
Elise