Do you and your spouse have trouble agreeing on what is best for the two of you? I've got a thought I want to share, this isn't new, but, it's something to think about and accept so we can avoid arguments, by recognizing the dynamic that is in play....I think for what ever reason (selfishness, add, self blindness, indifference,or other) my W most always approaches me in conversations in a mindset that is individual in nature...What is good for me, what I want, what I must have happen to be happy....Hardly ever (can't honestly remember a time right off) is her subject matter about what is good for us both....She may present it that way on occasion, but, it's most always presented in a "I think mode", vs "What do you think mode".....This is definitely not uncommon for any of us from time to time...But it's very bad, when a person presents idea's for both parties, based as an ultimatum of sorts, to their happiness....My wife lives in this type individualize mindset most of the time, based on her communication to me, and her life pursuits....
What happen's when this dynamic is occurring? It depends on what it is, and where we are, and if I recognize it right away....First it gives little to no space for my thoughts, (consideration) it's basically a dead end, that ends with them getting their way, or them doling out the victim stuff, ugly comments, pouting, or worse.... Individual mindsets are looking for one thing....To get their way, no matter the cost to you...So they say things the way they do, as to only leave one right answer....These things can be walked away from, and not responded to, when you are at home or in your own environment...They become more difficult when you are traveling together, and they drop a bomb that will put your life on hold, while they pursue those individualized hobbies and interests....Also, the more they are given in to, the more they play the game....Is this total selfishness? Or is there an inability to see their desire to control based on mental illness? Either way, it's something to be aware of, so as not to give quick innocent answers, without considering the cost....
One other point I will add right here....The power of hyper-focus that goes alone w/ add, and this dynamic I spoke about above (not thinking and acting with in the parameters of unity, consideration of a spouse or family) has never been something you can break into once it starts, and expect it to end well.....
When you are married, it is so easy to assume, based on your own level of commitment, and desire for peace and unity....But only pain comes out of getting to comfortable with someone who lives in this individual mindset....I"ve learned I can't trust my wife to consider me, my feelings, my thoughts concerning much of anything....She is much like a spoiled child in these dynamics....I'm "good" when she is getting catered to ( having her way)...And I'm "bad" if I don't go along...Or if I have boundaries that forces her out a position to change the plan, add to the plan on the spur of the moment.....I must quietly go along no matter the cost to me personally, or she pouts like a child.....Except in a much more threatening manner....
Reality is quiet aggravating in our marriage....I want to share in trips and things w/ her....But until she learns (if ever) consideration, and thoughtfulness of others, (me) I can't afford to go off w/ her, I'm only asking for arguments, and the pain of abandonment, wasted time and money...
What about you?
c
Change plan on the spur of the moment
Submitted by lonelybird on
I feel exactly the same and I'm so glad you brought this up. I thought it is so difficult for me because I'm introverted and highly sensitive. A phone call, last minute invitation, hyper-focus, he runs out the door... At home I feel abandoned, my feelings not considered. He tells me I have to be more spontaneous... On vacation it is even harder. Sometimes I don't want to go on trips with him anymore. (One time I went by myself for a few days and it was like heaven. True relaxation.) I'm taking your advice, C, from another post and try to agree on an itinerary very clearly before a trip, no changes without agreement. If he still insists on sudden change of plans, "drops a bomb", I'll take a taxi home, from wherever it might be... And you are right, never get too comfortable, always have your guards up. But even then arguments and pain are our daily companions...
Same here lonelybird.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I was thinking about what you said today, (your post) and the dynamic that is in play w/ your husband and my wife during these times....My wife loves to say the same thing to me..." I need to be more spontaneous :)....
What your husband and my wife is doing isn't Spontaneous....It's thoughtless and selfish....I think and do things that are spur of the moment (spontaneous) lots of times....But the big difference is....My spur of the moment adventures do not negatively impact others....In other words, when I have a thought that would mean a quick plan, or change of plans, and I'm w/ her or others....I may throw out an idea, but, I don't pressure her or others, and force my will on them or act like I know what is good for them...All that is a control attempt to support there selfish desire....There is a very good way to tell if it's a true spontaneous thought or idea being floated or if it's a control or manipulation attempt.....Emotion!....If negative emotion (anger, victim comments, pouting) follows a kindly spoken no thank you, that's not for me...Then what you have is a desire to control....
What do children do when there parents tell them no? LOL...They act out, they get lessons in discipline....How many of us had these tendencies as children and young adults?...But we grew....We learned about thinking through things before acting on them...We learned to organize our lives, and make plans....We learned that in order to have sanity in our lives, we had to put childish ways behind us...We had to grow, we had to learn to be timely, we learned respect for others, we learned everyone is different....
It's difficult to avoid the fallout of a childish, selfish spouse, that lives with out any convictions to not pressure their spouse (lives disrespectfully when their "I want motor is revving", which is most of the time here)...And when you are dealing with a thrill seeking mind, that is consumed with self entertainment, (Frivolity) and suffers from tunnel vision and hyper focus it's just impossible to say anything that would cause awareness....Many adults never grow up, in many ways....
All I can say is what I said above, and what you said also....Expect it, and don't go off w/o an agreed upon plan, preferably in writing....The sad part about having to do this plan (force them to respect you) is, it has little to no effect on the dysfunctional mind and heart that is forcing the plan to begin with....
But we can pray, hope, and stick to our boundary guns....These boundaries and forced plans may eventually open their eyes to their selfish and childish actions....The goal her is to be wise, and make the best out of a not so ideal situation isn't it?? LOL....
Thank you for your reply....
Blessings
c