I found this post on Quora.com and wanted to share on this forum.
Q. What is the symptom of ADHD that you feel like isn't talked about enough?
Emotional dysregulation.
This is thought of as - temper tantrums, slamming doors, weeping uncontrollably, etc. It’s not - though it may present like that in some. For many of us it seems to be an inability to control the inner emotional landscape, which contorts itself to a set of rules that make no sense, or that bear any relation to what’s actually happening in the real world. So, it can be a really good day - friends, nice weather, nothing squatting on the horizon like a storm cloud, no worries, and inwardly I’m on a switchback ride from total existential despair through to skipping from cloud to cloud in soaring ecstasy, without any warning or control. This inner chaos ruins almost everything. I can crash into “take me outside and shoot me” levels of misery in a heartbeat. Or vise versa. Horrible day, rainy, cold, arguing at home, nothing to look forward to and then suddenly I’m walking on sunshine.
The regulation system is broken. The “select appropriate emotional response” system is mislabeled.
Also - feel everything with intensity. I don’t dislike I loathe. I don’t like I adore. I’m not curious I‘m blazing with interest and enthusiasm. I’m not disinterested I’m pierced by a savage kind of boredom that cannot be stilled, placated or distracted. The music I like is “everyone must stop and listen to this” levels of awesome. Ditto books, films, food, speakers, etc.
A years worth of emotion, every day.
And, as a result, relationships are tiring. Music is tiring. Fictional TV makes me angry - I seriously hate the manipulation involved, for nothing, just a made up story. Most tales of sorrow and struggle from other people shut me down. (If it’s something I can relate to then I’m a channel for compassion and love.) Poetry is amazing or so bad it should be burned. There are few things that occupy the middle ground. I love some things and loathe others. I rarely have indifferent feelings.
Social events are very tiring because the switchback ride increases in intensity. Few real connections are made with others, this is sad and very frustrating because idle talk, chat for the sake of making a noise - these things are anathema. I want to talk about plasma cosmology and religion and history and politics and philosophy and other real things which matter, and not (ever) ball sports, cars, anything to do with celebrities, whatever spurious nonsense the TV is serving up that day, what was on TV last night, etc.
The phrase Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is used in ADHD circles. Defined, broadly, as, “any hint or suggestion that someone is withdrawing their love and/or approval is devastating in impact, with sufferers frequently talking about how it has a physical pain as part of it. Like being stabbed through the chest.” This is one of the harder aspects of ADHD and it’s very real, very powerful and widely misunderstood. It means all relationships are a constant minefield. All. We perceive emotions, facial expressions and tones of voice way more closely and deeply than others. If an expression of annoyance, irritation, dislike, weariness, etc, passes across your face, or voice, upon seeing me, no matter how well you managed to hide it, no matter how quickly it passed across your face, I will see it and notice it. Most people do NOT like these things pointed out to them, leaving me with knowing that your real feelings towards me are negative yet forced to deal with your dishonest pretence to the contrary.
The reason we are here
Submitted by adhd32 on
I agree that this is the thing that kills any type of give and take relationship with a a person with ADHD for the reasons you state. It is because the non spouse has no idea that some innocuous phase such as "good morning, how did you sleep?" will unleash a fury aimed at them for no discernable reason. We had a traffic detour yesterday and while giving directions to navigate around it I didn't say something in a kind kindergarten teacher voice but rather a normal manager voice I would use at work with other adults. I got the " you think I am stupid" lecture ad nauseum for 15 minutes. He said I was yelling when all I said was to turn left here. I told him he must be clairvoyant if he can read my mind and haven't spoken to him since. I can tell he feels guilty but won't apologize. I just carry on as if he isn't there.
This, in my opinion, is the relationship killer. Who wants to have an adult relationship with a prickly cactus? No friends of his stick around long and when I go out with friends and do my thing I usually come home to a sulky, cranky baby ready to start a fight. He wants me to stand by but usually ignores me when I'm home but the minute I'm not available he starts in.
I don't take his BS anymore, he can be as mad as he wants, I will not smooth things over so he feels better. Onward for me, he can cling to his bitter life. He chooses to remain in the mire, I will not participate.
You just nailed it
Submitted by swampyankee on
This. Precisely. This weird ability I have to set him off no matter what I do. For years! I thought it was me. It's not me. It's him.
And I don't want to take it anymore,either. I also don't want him doing it to our kids. I'm not sure how to navigate that one since he just doesn't see it, himself.
100%!
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It is them. And we can tiptoe lightly and say everything in the kindest way and censor ourselves constantly to avoid this dynamic, but none of it works - nor should it be encouraged. As the non-ADHD parties, we end up twisting ourselves into people we aren't and not expressing our opinions and needs adequately just to avoid the anger and constant misunderstandings. This is 100% the ADHD partner's issue to acknowledge, address and improve.
How True This Is
Submitted by Pelican11 on
Wow, am so grateful for this submission, it is so very helpful in understanding this aspect of ADHD from one who feels it-thank you! For me, living with an ADHD partner (and being non-ADHD) for almost 30 years (the last 6 he has been on meds, with modest result), the ED is absolutely THE most challenging component of ADHD. I feel as if I've lived on eggshells all these years, often ending up in senseless bizarre arguments that make me feel as if I am on crazy pills, and, perhaps worst of all, leaves me feeling profoundly lonely. I fear ever expressing any of the vulnerability necessary for intimacy, any deeper hurt or emotion or pain, will always, inevitably, end up in some argument where he is hurt by what I've said- and then the focus is on his hurt and pain and whatever issue I had in the first place gets swept under the rug. I think the ED places my partner on that roller coaster you describe so well, but the challenge for non ADHD partners is that 'ride' dominates the relationship. Not that he is a narcissist, but everything becomes about him-his emotions, his ups, downs, pain. I love your moniker 'Exhausting' as it probably encapsulates the experience both partners in an ADHD/Non-ADHD relationship feel. Reading other members responses makes clear to me just how much non-ADHD partners struggle with this...thank you for posting.
WOW
Submitted by kosty on
Yes, thank you so much for posting this, and like other people said this is so true.
This is what I'm struggling with right now, so how do you handle this or don't you. Do you just say this is the ADHD and you must except them for who they are no matter what, which is fine, as long as they except me for who I am.
Yes!
Submitted by felicity on
You are really hitting the nail on the head this week Kosty! That is exactly it - I think maybe I could cope better with everything and accept that my husband is how he is if he could accept me too and let me do the things I want to do my way. We try to have the empathy to understand THEY see things differently but that doesnt seem to be a two way street, not once has my husband said 'oh lets agree to disagree' anything that is my way is an attack on his way somehow.
Great perspective....
Submitted by c ur self on
When reading this post it is quiet clear that so many people are attempting marriage with a person who's living of life only works well alone....(well in their eyes)....So many dysfunctional things can be birthed in our lives and the relationship if left to run it's course unchecked....But, when we come to SEE this reality, and come to understand the dynamics in play, we will set firm boundaries on our own lives....One of the biggest challenges for many who get caught up in this dynamic is to not become Codependent...Not become an enabler...Boundaries don't mean we don't love them, it means we do...It's easy enough to see the monster highs, and low lows, in my wife's life...The hyper focus, and the victim emotions when she can't control the proceedings..I see it, our adult children see it, her girl friends see it.....It's just way more difficult in a marriage setting (we can't go home lol) for me to accept the reality of what marriage is going to be like with this mind type... It's impossible to have any sustained comfort and unity when living with such unpredictable emotions...So without firm boundaries, and accepting there wasn't any ability or desire for change, we wouldn't have lasted until the bread got done....What is possible and peace be had?? That is the question we all must answer in our own hearts...
c