Hi Everyone
I am new to this group and just wanted to share an intro. I am a non adhd spouse to someone who we have just began to realize meets all of the criteria for ADHD. Our relationship is in crisis and I am feeling defeated and desperate and don't know which way to turn. I am glad that I found this group. It's all coming crashing down on me just how much this has been affecting his/our life for the past 14 years. I have just been diagnosed with an autoimmune disease and feel that the root cause is burnout from running a household with 3 kids plus the grown up kid and a business (that I had to start just so he would have a job and contribute financially) essentially on my own. I feel like a puppet master and if I drop the strings it will all come crashing down. I am on the verge of leaving. It is on my mind most of the days I feel like I am planning an escape from entrapment. I am having a very hard time controlling my frustration and irritation and it is causing great dysfunction in our family. I would easily leave this very minute, actually years ago, if we didn't have kids. At the same time I don't want our family to break up and I am scared to leave my kids with him for any amount of time due to his inattentiveness and lack of ability to run a household and be a primary parent in general. I don't have anyone to talk about this with. Honestly, when I think about talking about it with my friends I feel like they won't understand and that it's just not a big deal. Any words of advice or support would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for holding space here.
Welcome to the group Defeated
Submitted by SweetandSour on
Welcome to the group Defeated! Sorry you are in this all too familiar mess. What you are feeling and thinking is totally normal and understandable in the circumstances that you're in. Anyone would feel overwhelmed. You have so much on your plate! You can't address it all at once. My advice for the short-term is carve out some time from your schedule to do something for yourself that has nothing to do with your husband, children, or work - exercise is the best mood elevator there is, so if you could take some type of class, that would be great, but even on your own, just dance to some music or walk around the block. You know what you're interested in - make a point of doing some activity that the only purpose is for you to enjoy it and to give you a bit of a break from your constant cares and worries. It sounds like you would benefit from some time apart from your husband - could you do a temporary separation to give you time to figure out how you want to move forward? Counselling for yourself will be of great benefit no matter whether you dedicate yourself to the marriage or leave it. Read some of these threads. Read Melissa's blogs. You'll see the same themes repeated many times: there are no magic bullets - your spouse (if he has ADHD) will always have ADHD; you need to own your own feelings and behavior and the only person you can change is you: and focus on the positive - feeling gratitude for what's good in your life can be a very powerful way to change your mindset even if your circumstances can't be changed. Good luck! I hope you can break through and start thinking of yourself as "Will Not Be Defeated"!
SandS
Thank you SandS! I am just
Submitted by Defeatedagain on
Thank you SandS! I am just now seeing these responses. It feels so great to know that there are people who understand. I appreciate all of your advice and will take time for myself more often. I would love to have some time apart but everytime that I think I am going to do it, the thought of the kids being alone with him stop me...Thank you so much for taking time to respond!
I was many of these things
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
I was many of these things earlier this year too.
I also have immune issues that flare up every now and again and were predominantly triggered by an bout of tonsillitis brought on by a period of severe stress about 7 years ago. Hopefully, you are seeing good doctors for your own condition.
The first thing I would say is that your husband has to get to the doc for an assessment ASAP. If he believes there is an issue, and he's amenable to treatment, he's got to get on it pronto! You are clearly, and reasonably struggling and at the end of your tether. That was exactly me earlier this year. I didn't trust my partner to look after our daughter properly, I felt responsible for everything, completely burned out and on the brink of what was probably my fourth breakdown. I was under so much pressure! It was unsustainable.
What changed for me was my husband going on meds. I'm not gonna lie, it was a very bumpy road at first as we tried to find the right one and the right dose (I've mentioned this is comments on other posts), but now my life is completely different. He's completely different. He remembers things. He notices things. He listens and follows through. He's attentive to our daughter, and I actually trust him with her now. When they go out for the day, I don't worry anymore. I just have a nice day at home on my own.
Of course, the meds haven't been a cure all. He still forgets things occasionally (but goes back to get them now), he still leaves his slippers in random places, he can still get absorbed in his work, but he's so much more responsible and dependable. Just a week ago, I was really sick, and for 6 days I could barely do anything, and he stepped up to the plate. I was amazed. Sure, it wasn't all done exactly how I'd do it, but it was competent.
Going on meds can be a tough time as you try to find the right ones and right dose (I think it was three or four months of turbulence for us), but for us they've been SO worth it. I would really recommend that as a first port of call as it's what had the biggest effect on my husband's inattentiveness.
Also, with regard to what you said about the realization about the effects all this has had on you over the last 14 years, and feeling defeated. I felt defeated too. Like there was no light at the end of the tunnel. The diagnosis to me felt like someone had given me terminal news. It was the death of the relationship I thought I'd had, and I had to come to terms with the fact that I'd never have what I thought I'd signed up for. Genuinely, it's a grieving process. I actually grieved and anger is a step in the grieving process. Sometimes, it just helps to know that's what's going on. You're coming to terms with the loss of the relationship you thought you had - one with another non. But the grieving process is not infinite, and I was able to eventually process the emotions and move towards a more positive future. But I had to place a major priority upon lowering my stress levels by whatever means possible, and my staying in my marriage was conditional upon my husband being treated and committing to it long term.
Identify your major stressors (other than just your spouse) and drains on your energy and be ruthless about cutting back what you can. Seriously, I think I declined every social invitation for about 6 months. The minute I was done with chores and everything kid related - that was it. Switch off time. Early bed. Only activities that made me happy. I deleted Facebook. I stopped watching the news. I distanced from certain draining relatives of mine. All drama that I had any control over my exposure to, I cut back. I demanded routine. I made sure there was financial stability. I told my husband that I would be functioning as a mum to the best of my abilities, but that he had to put his expectations of me as a wife WAY on the back burner, because I was burned out and incapable of relating to him that way. I insisted I was given space and physical demands of me were not made. When you are depleted beyond belief, you need time to reclaim yourself. Sleep was the main priority. Sleep and stress reduction.
Wow! It's amazing how we can
Submitted by Defeatedagain on
Wow! It's amazing how we can tell each others stories. Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. It means alot to have others that understand. People that are in our life regularly think that it's all me and I am just mean to him. I really try hard to keep it together but it is a huge challenge. He has read some of the book and I think that he agrees that this has been affecting his life for his whole like. I really hope that he can be open to getting medicated but I think that it will be a stretch. Im so happy for you that things are going better. The message I keep getting is to focus on me and not taking care of him. That I will do! Good luck to you!
I spoke to my husband about
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
I spoke to my husband about his meds over the weekend and he told me he doesn't really feel that different on meds than he did off them. He sometimes notices he's being more productive at work, but he can't tell much of a difference otherwise. However EVERYONE else can tell a HUGE difference. ;) So if your husband is concerned about how meds would make him feel, feel free to share that story of mine. With the right one, he may not feel that different, but it may make everyone's lives easier. I'll cross my fingers for you that he'll try. And yes, focus on you. Ultimately, it's all we have true control over :)
That's interesting! And a
Submitted by Defeatedagain on
That's interesting! And a great story to share with him. Thanks so much for sharing!
Hi, Defeated
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I just wanted to say hello and let you know that you're not alone. I am in this exact situation. Leaving is on my mind every single day and I would have also left a long time ago if not for our child. I feel so stuck. However, the idea of sharing custody with someone who cannot manage the simplest of daily tasks and who lives like a single teenaged boy is unbearable to me. So I go on feeling trapped. My therapist recommended I go see a divorce lawyer just to get a professional's opinion on what custody might look like in my situation. I don't know if that would help you as well. For me, it confirmed that I have to stay until she is a certain age where the courts where I live will more strongly consider her voice in who she wishes to live with. I know she would choose to live with me, but younger children where I live are not allowed to choose. She is 11 but needs to be at least 13 (still no guarantee, sadly!). The courts typically don't give full custody to one parent unless there is abuse or a substance abuse problem.
I really understand your burnout. I ended up very physically and mentally ill from the same thing. It forced me to cut back - there was no choice. I know you are probably wondering where you can cut back, but maybe you can find somewhere. Be brutal as ExhaustedLady suggests. You absolutely need to attend to yourself. If there are still things you're doing for your husband that he should do himself (that don't really impact you if they don't happen - like his laundry, for instance), stop doing it. If your kids are in a ton of activities, maybe cut some... or put them in some if it would give you an hour to yourself. This week was so awful for me that I told my husband and daughter I was going to take a bath and read for an hour. I locked the door and did just that. They tried to come in several times. I stayed in the bath and refused to leave my book until the hour was up. Start trying to give yourself as much love and attention as you are giving to others (I know how hard that is). Sometimes I just go on a spontaneous walk and everyone has to deal with that. I run my own business and now I turn down jobs because I know that the entire household load falls on me and I can't do it all and stay sane at the same time (We have less money now... I have to deal with that.).
And finally, I sympathize with having no one to talk to. This forum has been invaluable for me for that reason. NO ONE understands if they haven't lived it. They think you're complaining about the little annoyances of "every relationship" when virtually every facet of your life is impacted by someone else's unmanaged disorder.
If he is open to seeking treatment, I would jump all over that. Perhaps you could be one of those success stories.
It's awful to feel like you have no more to give and to look at all the years ahead where it might be more of the same. I am truly sorry for your situation and please know that oh-so-many of the readers and posters on these boards understand what you're dealing with.
Hi 1Melody1
Submitted by Defeatedagain on
Hi 1Melody1
I am so sorry that your going through this also. Ugh, it is so hard. Luckily (or not..) I was so fatigued from my Hashimotos flare up that I was physically unable to do anything that wasn't 100% necessary for about 6 weeks now that that is over all of the things that I cut back on are still removed from my life....I used to have fantasies of getting into some kind of minor accident so I can stay in the hospital for a few weeks just to get a break (I know ridiculous) But being laid up at home was much better. What is your plan? Is your partner willing to get help? Hang in there! I guess were in this until something changes....Good luck to you.
Good morning defeated.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I would like to say, that I completely understand your feelings (been there!)....But I would also like to offer few incites and suggestions, if I may....The only way to make positive change in our lives is to face up (own it) to why our lives are so dysfunctional now.....It's so easy, once we find ourselves worn out, unappreciated, and basically abandoned when it comes to life's responsibilities, to blame our happy go luck spouses for all of our pain, anger, and dysfunction.....When the real problem is us....We put confidence in someone who lives in a mind that isn't capable of growing and learning unless they have no choice...So what has happened with your relationship to cause you to fill "defeated and desperate"??
I've had going on 12 years to make the same mistakes that so many of us make (especially in the beginning)....It took me about 5 years to turn into a basket case....And it's taken me about 6 years of looking in the mirror, setting boundaries on myself and the relationship in order to accept her reality, and reverse much of the dysfunction...When we refuse to set boundaries with adults who's lives cause us pain, then at that point it's all self inflicted.....
I suggest you focus on two things for the next few weeks and months....1) Make yourself OWN YOUR words and actions, and take care of yourself (mental, physical, and emotional health)....If you need counseling, go get it....It's no shame to find ourselves (man or women) in need of someone to run our feelings by, and hopefully hear some unbiased wisdom spoken to us.....I got on line a couple of years ago, and found a counselor, contacted that counselor and told them "I feel like I have no life"....It was a great 4 months of emotional and mental check ups for me....When we have to be the strong one, the responsible one, it's easy to find ourselves very unhealthy inside...Even if we feel we must repress it.....This is a trap....Everyone needs an understanding ear....2) Set boundaries, force accountability, let him do his own "adult living".....Make your busy life smaller, do not run interference for him under no circumstances....He shouldn't have a crutch in his busy wife and mother, your only focus toward his life should be your responsibilities as his wife....And that should be love based, and never mother/enabler driven! NEVER!
The puppet master role is killing you in so many ways....1) Your suffering, he's an invalid, and your children are probably hearing things that is causing you much shame, and breaks your heart.....The only way people change is when they see the need....He has a great life, because you have him on your back....???? So why would he care to grow up and take on the adult responsibilities? Until he (any of us) learns what it feels like to fall on his face, and pick his on self up, he want grow....
My wife is high level add, she is very lazy, hates the mundane, her side of the bedroom is so depressing to her, she has mostly moved into guest room....I have to walk away constantly from her messes (learn to ignore them, force her to WORK, LOL, or carry the shame she feels when our adult children or guest come over....I accept she has no convictions to do different....So I respect that, but, I am completely opposite in many area's....So we have boundaries....I pick up behind self, I keep my side of the bedroom clean and organized...She is forbidden (boundary) to ever place her clothes or junk on my side of the bedroom, (if i walk in and find she has done it, I immediately put her stuff on her unmade side of bed) I don't hide things or close off parts of the house when company is here....She would die if someone walked in our bedroom and saw her true self....It's a sad way to live, but, I've come to understand, me pointing it out, only caused pain for both of us....We don;t share finance's, I want ride her messy car, (maybe once a year)....
When we put our expectations to death (trade them for acceptance) we start healing.....When we stop carrying, mothering, enabling them we heal.....
What you and me and so many of us must understand.....A marriage between non's and add/adhd minded individuals, will always look very different from marriages w/ two non's...Always!...In order to have as healthy attachment as is possible....There will ALWAYS be boundaries in my opinion.....The non's who ask themselves what they want out of the marriage w/ an add/adhd partner, always suffers....The questions we must ask and pattern our lives by is;...."What is possible" ??
Thanks so much for your reply
Submitted by Defeatedagain on
Thanks so much for your reply! You have some good, hard advice. I appreciate your honesty. It is true that I need to look at myself but it is sooo hard not to put this on his ADHD. I feel like it totally effects every aspect of how I treat him. I don't think that I can accept the messes. Three separate days, while he was at work, I got a full sized dump truck, hired some teenagers and filled the truck up to the very top and went to the dump THREE times!!! He knew I was doing it and didn't want to be there. The thing with him is that he doesn't feel any shame for how he lives. He doesn't care what people think of him. I don't have my friends over because of my shame. And I love having my friends over. I just can't live like that. So accepting it would be VERY big of me but I don't know if I will ever get to that godly state. I wish I had more of your will power.
I do think that I can set boundaries though. I have been talking with him about all of this and after he read some sections of the book he agrees with me that he may have ADHD. So fingers crossed that he will be willing to get treatment for it. I think my boundary is going to be that if he doesn't address this then I am going to have to leave. Of course there is the kid thing.....Ugh such a difficult situation. If only we found out and treated years ago when I still had some reserves and some compassion for him. But I am spent and have no reserves left.
I truly appeciate your advice and your perspective. And I hope that one day I can be accepting. Time to start looking in the mirror!
Hi defeated...Hoarding
Submitted by c ur self on
This hoarding thing that you and I (and so many many more) are subjected to, is just another reason for boundaries.....My point here is this....If I take it on myself to try and manage her stuff (and the Lord know's I have) this is very bad in multiple ways....1) It's her life and her stuff, so it's her choice, regardless of the outcome of her effort or lack there of....It's not mine, so when I move her stuff, throw away, or give away her stuff, I'm always wrong!...Just like she would be, if she took it on herself to manage my personal stuff w/o my permission....2) Even if our spouse's (who may know it's a problem) don't seem to have a problem with it, all we end up doing is mothering them....And enabling them, because it's definitely not going to last....Every clean space we make, they look at it as an opportunity to cover it w/ junk again, asap......(It's who they are)....Do you know what that does to our mind's and emotions??? LOL...
His living of life and my wife's living of life....Especially in certain area's of life (cleaning, organizing, and hoarding up stuff for sure) will most always be on or near the opposite end of the spectrum from us.....
Another quick point here....***Acceptance doesn't mean agreement*** In my opinion it simply say's...I love you, and I'm going to respect you....No matter how different we are....But, because their lives are so intrusive, there must be respected boundaries put in place...In our case we have several, and they help us both.....Boundaries create accountability....I tell my wife, no trip hazards, if she don't comply I just pile it on her bed, or on one of her piles....The things that she insists on doing, that is just lazy, I accept, but, want help with...I do my laundry, fold, and put in my dresser, or put on hangers in the closet.....She piles her clothes on a rocking chair in the den next to the wash room...She lives off that chair....If company comes in and see's her panties and clothes piled up...So what!...She's an adult, and it's her choice....If she puts something on my bed, or own my side of the bedroom, I move it...She will only clean up her messy's out of shame, the day before, or the day of, the arrival of company ....But, she will try to suck me in to helping....Take our guest room....I would hardly ever go in there....She lay's in there watching TV, and she has some of her clothes (work scrubs etc.) in there...She destroy's it, dishes in the bed, dirty under ware right where she stepped out of them, clothes all over the floor....LOL...I don't live that way...So I accept it...But, when she has all this shame motivated cleaning going on, and she starts that will you, will you, will you...I either say no...or some times, (for peace sake) I go to a movie (I see a lot of movies LOL) or visit friends or family....Just leave her w/ her mess....
I do help at times, I'm not as strong as I put on paper all the time...But, I can tell you for 100% certainty, boundaries has created so much more responsibility in her....She may pout a while when she can't use me in those hectic moments, where she waits until the last minute to do something....But life with her has taught me, if she is pouting because she was forced to be responsible for her own messes, then she is learning and growing....LOL....
Thanks for sharing your story
Submitted by jackson252 on
Thanks for sharing your story.