Submitted by MelissaOrlov on 11/29/2009.
We have started a new area of the site, called "guest blogs" which can be found in the tabs at the top. There are some reader voices here that have been particularly helpful over time and we would like new people to be able to find them easily. Our first guest blogger has gone by the name of Arwen and many of you are familiar with her. I will also move some other guest blog entries (Ari Tuckerman and others) to that area as I find time. Enjoy!
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divorce
Submitted by goinginsane on
currently I am going through a rough divorce. Unfornuatley, my soon to be x husband doesn't realize he has ADD. and never will. He wants his share of custody of our two children. I want him to be involved but feel his Add problem will ruin their relationship with their father as it ruined my relationship with him. Can anyone offer me any advise.
custody
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
It's easy to understand your fears, but are you projecting your own experience into a future that hasn't yet happened? You don't mention that he currently has a bad relationship with them. Furthermore, I believe that there is evidence to support the idea that the relationships children have with their divorced parents are dependent in some part upon the pressures that those two parents put on their children by how they behave towards each other during the divorce process and afterwards. If the parents can behave responsibly towards each other (that is to say "professionally" - you don't have to love each other) then that helps kids stay healthy.
You don't mention any legal issues, either. I would expect that your state has specific guidelines about custody arrangements. To fight against these guidelines may, depending upon the age of your kids and how much of it they see, hurt their post-marriage/family relationship even before it starts by discrediting your husband and further diminishing your ability to civilly communicate with each other.
Many non-ADHD spouses report that one of their frustrations with their ADHD partner is that he "acts too much like a child" and that he "gets to do all the fun stuff while I get to do the drudge". If this happened in your household, you may find that they will have an excellent relationship, albeit a different one from the one you have with your kids.
My personal opinion is that ADHD shouldn't be a reason to deny access to a biological father. Other issues - alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse - these should be reasons to deny access. But ADHD doesn't mean your husband is unfit to be a father. Don't try to anticipate what that relationship will look like based upon your past - try to give your kids every chance they can to have access to, and love from, both parents. If he fails with them, they'll "get it" as they grow older...and they won't blame you for interfering.
P.S. Since he's not been officially diagnosed, your assumption that he has ADHD might not be true. ADHD resembles other things, too, and is often accompanied by other issues as well.
custody
Submitted by goinginsane on
Thanks for you insight..
I have only briefly described the past 22 years.. It has just been a nightmare.. I don't know how else to word it. Yes I truly don't know if it is ADD... Over the course of 11 years of him being a father.. he has never been there for our kids. He continually shows up late if at all to kid activities, pushes them aside because they are demanding attention from him (the Tv is a greater proirity than his children) and makes empty promises. Simply ones like "I will play frisbee with you today". And I have to listen to my children cry themselves to sleep because daddy forgot to do something again. I have tried to let him feel in control and let him handle insurance and therapy issues for the kids. He has continually made a mess of it. He cancels insurance, cancels therapy, because he can not handle it. My oldest daugher is autisic so she lost 3 months of much needed therapy. He continually fails to meet deadlines when handling issues like signing kids up for summer camp programs. He also has major problems with organization and living in total clutter. He can't throw things away.. He had a few areas of the house that were "his". It was so bad you could not even open the door to these rooms. Piles of papers, trash, clothing piled high over the window. He could not even throw out a 10 year old dead plant with an inch of dust on it. He collected anything and everything. papers, mag's, napkins, computers, what ever his fascination of the week was. He could never throw things out or clean anything. There were times he had 5 computers on the dinning room table for weeks. Because he was going to work on them and it just never happened. The kids and I ate in the living room for weeks. He has been like this for my guess 35 years.That is only the tip of the iceburg..What is troubling me right now is he is under pressure to clean up his act because of the custody battle ahead. He has cleaned up his rooms but he has moved it all into storage with out throwing anything out. It is a big storage unit also. There is mail and newspapers coming into the house and I don't see anything being tossed. I think he is hiding it somewhere. But have no proff.
One good thing out of this.. he has spent more time with the kids the last week than he has in eleven years... I really know this won't last, just from past experience. He has cleaned up his act when the pressure is on and when it is off he goes back into seclusion. 22 years I have seen this pattern.
For the custody I am seeking primary phsycial custody, with him having everyother weekend and one or two evenings a week with the kids. I really don't have a problem if he misses the kids and wants to spend a few hours with them when it is "my turn". I truly mean that!!!He wants one week with him and one week with me. He wants a true 50/50 split. He has it down to the minute. If I get them one minute more than him, he will scream. I absoluty do not want the kids to grow up without thier father. I just wory so much about the kids living like that. My oldest daughter has already told me in front of her daddy and me.. "I see why mommy is leaving you". I am told to step back and let him handle it all.. That is so hard to tell a mother that, when you just know what is going to happen at the childrens expense.
Can someone like this change just overnight??? permenatly???
custody
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I have to think that there are resources and studies about the custody arrangements that are in the best interests of the kids. I would suggest talking with your lawyer about it, and doing an internet search (carefully try to avoid those with an ax to grind...) Certainly, consistency is really important for kids and you have a strong case for being able to provide that.
Regardless of the outcome, be careful not to inflame the situation in any way by encouraging your kids to criticize your husband. They should feel that they have an outlet for their constructive complaints, but help them try to differentiate problem solving from character assassination. In other words, "Dad doesn't pick us up on time" states a problem that needs addressing. "Dad's a jerk" probably needs a response like "I know you're having trouble with the way your father does things, but it would be helpful for everyone if you could find a way to express that without calling him names." Divorced or not, you are all in this for the long haul. You can't control his behavior (or even influence it in a positive way at this point, I suspect) but you can certainly control your own and help your kids find a way to express themselves constructively.
Not sure why you're being told to step back and let your husband "handle it all". You have a future here at stake, too, so you need to make sure that you seek what you need and what is rightfully yours. It doesn't sound as if you'll get that by disconnecting from the process. Furthermore, you past experience has been that he's not been successful at handling it all. Question why that advice has been given to you (perhaps there is a legal reason?????) but remember - you're completely and totally responsible for you now. Don't let yourself down.
In answer to your question - can someone change overnight? Yes, in certain instances. But it's also possible that your husband is hyperfocused on the crisis at hand. After the crisis is over, he'll go back to what he was doing before. This, at least, is the pattern you've described from his past.
It seems to me that when you see someone change suddenly and permanently, it's usually BACK to someone they used to be (i.e. back to being responsible like they were before, after a period of messing up. You see this sometimes after a crisis, like a near-fatal crash or the shock of an affair). It's not clear if your husband has ever had any other patterns and has something else (less dysfunctional) to change back to. Other than that, changes aren't usually so quick, because a person needs to develop a new set of skills in order to make the change. (The exception to this would be if he had the skills, but was intentionally doing all this stuff for 22 years to spite you, which is a possibility that's too awful to consider.)
Guest Blog?
Submitted by tazangel36 on
Melissa, I am a new member to this site, but an experienced blogger. I have an ADHD spouse, as well as an ADHD child. My husband and I have been married 6 years, and although we've had our struggles, we face them together. I think that I could be a positive voice to spouses of attention-deficit. I'd love to talk to you about being a guest blogger here; if you wouldn't mind sending an email to my profile email address, I'd be happy to discuss it further, submit writing samples, etc. Thank you for a wonderful, supportive site!
making a decision.
Submitted by Leah on
Hello,
I have been searching high and low on the internet for help with this burning question. My boyfriend has ADHD. He wants to get married. I have gone over every possible "should you get married" questionair, searched myself, used my brain, used my heart.. Every time, I come back to the same place... Can I live with his ADHD how it is for the rest of my life? If it were never to change or improve, could I deal with that. Would I want my future kids to deal with that????? I never have an answer... I think because I don't know what exactly it means for my future... I am hoping to find an answer or the beginings of an answer here.
A little background on him and how ADHD has effected our relationship so far:
He was diagnosed as a teenager and has tried several different medications and counciling with a ADHD specialist. It helps.. To a certain degree... Obviously it never goes away.. He doesn't like taking his medication and has stopped for the last year or so. We experimented with herbal remedys and have found those to more helpful than the prespriction varieties.
We been together for 2 years and lived together for 21 months of the 24 we have been together. It's like he becomes a whole other person when he is effected by it... When he is himself he is caring, calm, insightful, great at communicating in a calm manner... and then it's like a switch (I mean immediatly over a period of 3-4 seconds) and he changes his whole manner... He gets stuck on one thought and then as he continues to talk or think about it gets more and more tangled and not about anything we were originally talking about. He gets really upset, passionate, angry (never hitting or anything) it's like he goes from a 3 to a 8 or 9 in a matter of seconds and it's not even what we were talking about! He has tried to explain how his brain doesn't connect things when he is thinking... Here is one example of a conversation that happened just the other day..
Me: I wonder how you would go about cutting a whole in a wall to make a doggy door...
Him: Oh you measure and go right through, I think it should be simple...
Me: yeah..I don't know how I feel about just making a hole in a wall of my house....
Him: What? you would decide not to do something like that because of this? (typical of him to be VERY general to a point where I have no idea what he is talking about)
Me: Hmm? I just mean I would be wary of doing it.
Him: Wow I can't believe you would want to buy a house without making any improvements to it, that is incredible... How can you think like that? Why would you think like that?
Me: *silence*( Its easy to see we are no longer talking about how to make dog doors and I usually choose silence at this point)
Him: *5 minutes later* sorry...
He just gets overwhelmed by things because he can't think them through in a rational way....
Our relationship is actually (inspite of this) one the healthies I have been in or heard of. I can honestly say I am truly happy at least some point in every day when I think about my life. I am just afraid that if I take this step and marry him that I will live to regret it.... I'm scared of the consequences it will have on our future kids... This is the only thing holding me back... I am ready to jump in on every other level......... am I being too picky? too wary? Are there ways to make sure we can manage this in our marriage and family life... Or will it always be a what if, every day...? Please help...
Thank you!
Leah
eyes wide open
Submitted by arwen on
I know quite a few couples where one partner doesn't have ADD and the other does (and yet is not taking prescription medications), who have had successful relationships, but I only know of *ONE* such situation where the couple had kids. (All the other relationships I've known involving kids and an ADD parent who was not on meds and/or in counseling ended in divorce.) This one couple managed to survive the trials and tribuations that tend to come along with ADD in relationships because the husband (with ADD) had had a very disciplined upbringing that developed positive coping strategies including the ability to self-examine, which together with a strong sense of responsibility allowed him to be very successful financially. This was important because money constraints and problems are often a big negative impact on ADD marriages -- with his financial security, he was able to afford to spend money to help solve some of the problems his ADD generated. He was also wise enough to recognize that he did not handle money well, and let his more competent wife (non-ADD) deal with managing the money he earned. Even this couple, however, had some traumatic problems at several points, and their two sons (both of whom have ADD also) were definitely adversely affected by their father's ADD problems in various ways.
My own marriage to a man with ADD has involved 15 years of misery (5 years without meds or counseling, 10 with) -- frustration, anger, despair, anxiety, stress. His behavior was better on the meds, but my husband did not receive any kind of disciplined upbringing, and for much of our married life had a seriously impaired sense of responsibility. This was not an intolerable issue early in our marriage, but after we had children, it became a very big deal. Even with the meds and counseling, I could not rely on my husband to supervise our children safely. He could not appreciate the need for some degree of consistency in raising children. He had a lot of driving-related problems that cost us a lot of money that we didn't have to spare, and while I was always able to manage things so that it didn't impact our children's necessities, it had a lot of other negative impacts on everyone. He got us into financial trouble at other times through carelessness with money, before I took over all financial management. I seriously considered divorce many times but ultimately felt it would be worse for our kids if we divorced than if I gritted my teeth and stuck it out. Add this on to the classic ADD behaviors of communications problems, lack of awareness, impulsiveness, memory problems, hyperfocus, inattention -- this is not a good environment for kids to be growing up in!!! I've done all I could to minimize the impacts on our kids, and they are able to support themselves and be fairly functional people, but they have definitely been scarred by all this.
And you must keep in mind that in many ways, I am one of the lucky ones! My husband accepted his ADD, got treatment, and worked to improve his behaviors. There were times he wanted to leave, too, but he stayed like I did for our kids' benefit. He worked hard at his job and earned a decent living to help support his family. Gradually over the last 20 years he has developed a better sense of responsibility and a certain degree of discipline, but only due to my determine and persistence that these improvements were critically needed. We have finally reached a place after 35 years of marriage where we are happy, not miserable, but we've paid a very high price to get here.
You say, "When he is himself he is caring, calm, insightful, great at communicating..." (my italics/underline), then talk about how he quickly can change to a different-seeming person. In saying this, you reveal that you do not really understand his ADD. Both types of behavior ARE himself, and so are other different behaviors he may manifest. I don't mean to say that he has a split personality -- what I'm saying is that ADD brain function typically results in a certain lack of consistency in thinking and behavior. If you don't like it now, you're not going to like it any better if you marry, and you'll probably like it even less if it impacts your children.
You also say, "If it [his ADD] were never to change or improve, could I deal with that." What if it gets worse? as my husband's ADD did as he got older -- and that's not unusual. If my husband's ADD had stayed the same as it was when he was in his early 30's, we would have been fine -- not perfect, not problem-free, but nothing I couldn't handle. But as my husband got into his late 30's, his ADD got significantly worse, launching us into the 15-years-of-misery period. By then we had kids. I ended up having to sacrifice my career, my peace of mind, and my health over those fifteen years to make sure our kids grew up safe and as mentally sound as I could manage. (Please note, however, that both are in counseling now that they are adults and have moved away from home -- there's a strong possiblity that my son, who also has ADD, will *never* be out of counseling.) My case is not unique -- this can happen to you.
Bottom line -- if your partner is a paragon of discipline and responsibility, or if you are emotionally very strong and functionally extremely competent, enough to effectively be a single parent -- if you have read and listened extensively to the experiences of people like me and the professional guidance to be found in the writings of Melissa Orlov, Ned Hallowell and other ADD experts so that you well and truly understand your partner's brain function and behaviors -- and if you are willing to risk the possibility of your children needing therapy for extended periods of time -- then you are probably in fairly reasonable shape to go forward with your relationship with your partner. Otherwise . . .
I have a daughter who is in a relationship herself with an ADD partner, and I will say the same thing to you that I've said to her: Please please please do yourself the biggest favor of your life and learn all you can about this before you make any decisions about your path forward. I don't say that you shouldn't proceed to the next level, but make very sure you go into it with your eyes wide open and prepared for what can happen. Read everything here on this site that you can. Read Ned Hallowell's books. Ask questions here. Those of us who have been through the experience want very much to help you avoid the agonies we have been through and will be glad to offer whatever we can from our experience.
Good luck!
Making A Decision
Submitted by needpeacenow on
Leah: I don't want to sound like a party pooper but I can't even begin to tell you how difficult you will be making your life. I am 44 and have been married for almost 20 years with 2 kids. My husband and both my children are ADHD and up until about 2 years ago, I was made to believe I was the crazy one. I would serioulsy reconsider marrying anyone with ADHD. In the beginning they are very attentive and focused on you (sounds funny I know) because you are capturing their attention and this is what initially draws you to them. But after the vows are said and children are had (even before the children) their focus begins to move elsewhere leaving you feeling very much alone and holding the bag on most (if not all) important and unimportant responsibilities. I have spent the last 20 years feeling alone, overwhelmed, have had no peace, and the mother of a 52 year old man. Lately it has been much worse as I swim in a mountain of debt and cry myself to sleep nearly every night. I am stressed to the max and have no one to turn to. My instant reaction is to just bolt and never return but can't stand the thought of leaving my 12 yo daughter. If you read this site with any diligence, you will find the same theme for spouses who are married to ADHD people and more so for women who are married to an ADHD man. I would avoid it all costs - better to end now before children (who are also likely to have ADHD) are in the picture.
I really like your guest
Submitted by revolution9 on
I really like your guest blogs I have seen a few other affiliate network program blog sites pick up on the concept and use it to great effect. It takes away the association of a blog with a known author and often offers a fresh perspective.