Tonight, after all these years, I broke down and cried as I realized that our home isn't the place of peace and comfort that a home should be.
It was heart-breaking knowing that my H's mental issues have prevented our family from having the "home is safe" environment. At any time he can become extremely angry, we walk on eggshells, and that's not what "home" is supposed to be like....at all. My home growing up was not like that. Sadly, H's father raged, so he got a bad image of what's "ok".
For many years I encouraged H to work a lot, go to the gym a lot....really to keep him out of our hair. But since he had a hip replacement and then later retired, the more recent years have been spend with him around the house more...causing trouble.
Do you know why you can't get blood from a turnip?
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
There is an old adage that goes: "You can't get blood from a turnip."
The reason is simple. The point of the adage is : a turnip has no blood to give.
"For many years I encouraged H to. . . . . . ." Sigh. In reading your words, I saw myself. It has been hard to rethink the way I see things. No, what I did was not helping. No, my actions did not encourage. No way, no how, could I get my spouse to see or want to see anything he did not want to see.
I had those rose-colored glasses on for so-o long. Too long. I can see my mistakes clearly. I wasted my time. I was never asked. I never heard "Explain the different." I never heard, "Thank you, I trust in your knowledge.". Now I am where I am because I was blind to what I was doing. . . . . . . yep.
I someone should have know better.
Liz
Overwhelmed
Submitted by Standing on
That is what it came down to for me. I said those same words to my counselor and friends, as my "safe place" shrank to the tiny spare room in my old house. As I watched my life get smaller and smaller, H began to act out even more at work (I worked with him, too) and my counselor said - I think you need to file for legal separation, So I did. Soon H moved out, at my insistence. I think he figured that if he gave me what I wanted in that way, then I would continue to do the lion's share of the work in his business. But within a month, he was acting out so badly in the workplace, that I was forced to leave there, too. Then he filed for divorce.
When combined with mental illness and/or personality/character disorders, I found ADD to be utterly unmanageable. This helped me to view my mess in terms of - what would I do if he were an alcoholic? (which he was headed toward, as well, gauging by the number of empty bottles I found stashed when he left).Or some other form of addict? My H is an addict, indeed. Addicted to turmoil, to adrenaline, to dopamine, to the internet, to his cell phone, to adderall, to alcohol, to nicotine, to food, and, especially, to attention... to whatever stimulates him in the moment. At this time, he is totally and intrinsically addicted to the image of this persona into whom he has reinvented himself. I began to wonder what might be next... and I became convinced that I may not survive It, whatever It might be. So I drew a line in the sand. And hurricane H swept the reality of who he is away in a blast by divorcing. His choice.
I don't know why we often allow ourselves to nearly disappear before we set boundaries, but I suspect - in my case - I always sensed that he simply would not accept me for who I am, a person who, among other things, needs home to be a sanctuary. And now, it is :)
I won't let anyone on this planet deprive me of that again. I finally get it ... there is none so blind as those who will not see. Without a willingness for introspection and empathy for others, even compromise becomes impossible, because the disordered party views any such move as a concession and feels he has been cheated and is now owed. That's what I think is the real death of relationship... not "falling out of love", but recognizing that your other doesn't/won't/can't even see you as a valuable, worthy, complete being. At least for me... it was when I began to give myself a shred of the care and respect I had given my husband, that he no longer had any use for me. I became - an outsider and he was done.
Liz is right. And if you don't want to become a turnip yourself, or one of those lumpy growths on the primary root, it's best to discover who you really are and put down roots into that, so then your safe place will accompany you every where you go.
At the time, I felt like I had to do what I had to do.....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
It may not have been "right" to have encouraged my H to be "gone more"....working, going to the gym, etc.....but while raising children who were also being affected by H's behaviors, I felt that it was the lesser of two evils. We could not afford to divorce, so the solution was to "keep him away" as much as possible.
. There was another "bright side" to doing this.....Sometimes those with ADHD with PD's don't have enough experiences with those outside their family circle....so the only criticisms they get are from their family circle....so they don't believe them. When spending lots of time outside, they get "feedback" from others....that they need to hear!!!
One time, one of his co-workers left a message on our home answering machine. The person said something like, "Well, I could just get the point and tell you what I want, but I think I'll do what YOU do and go into random babble and talk forever before getting to my point." lololol Oh my! This was something that I couldn't tell H....but there it was....recorded by a coworker on our answering machine. I told H that he cant be doing that at work...it drives people crazy.
Another friend, a golfing buddy, recently "told H off" about all of his whining and excuses....and also criticized H for always saying that nothing was his fault. H needs to hear this stuff from OTHERS. for decades, H hardly spent any time with his siblings, so a couple years ago when he wrongly complained about me, they naturally believed him and encouraged him to file for divorce. Over time, a H revealed his true colors to his siblings, they have come to realize that H is the problem. Now, they avoid him like the plague.
>>> When combined with mental illness and/or personality/character disorders, I found ADD to be utterly unmanageable. This helped me to view my mess in terms of - what would I do if he were an alcoholic? (which he was headed toward, as well, gauging by the number of empty bottles I found stashed when he left).Or some other form of addict? My H is an addict, indeed. Addicted to turmoil, to adrenaline, to dopamine, to the internet, to his cell phone, to Adderall, to alcohol, to nicotine, to food, and, especially, to attention... to whatever stimulates him in the moment. >>>>
You need to realize that your H is already an alcoholic. He's not "heading there"....he IS there! anyone who has "empties" laying around like that is an alcoholic. For years, I wasn't aware that my H was secretly drinking. He'd secretly buy and finish bottles and then discretely throw them away. For a long time, all I knew was that he was getting worse. He had always been able to "keep it together" at work (not showing anger) and had always gotten lots of promotions.....but then suddenly that halted about 7 years ago. He began showing anger at work. I didn't know it was because of the booze because I didn't realize how much he was drinking. Booze, even when not currently drunk, has some aftereffects. My H still won't believe that. But, when you get drunk every night, even if you're not drunk when at work, your brain and self-control is not working like it should be.
I'm sorry that you're going thru what you're going thru. I have been there. although I wasn't working with my H at the time this "acting up at work" was going on, H began "acting up" in public.....yelling at me in stores, etc. No self control at all. And....the booze, the Adderal, and whatever else he's taking all contributed.