Ive been reading all your posts like crazy today and have to admit it feels so good to know Im not alone! So here goes my first post. My fiance and I have been together 4.5 years. Hes known he has ADHD since a kid, was on medicine up until he was teenager, he took him self off as a teenager due to the stigma he says (hes 36 now). Hes the extreme workaholic type, always has to have a project going on, will never just stop moving. Everything is his way and on his time. Although frustrating I appreciate it at times because its get me moving and we've accomplished alot together.
Two days ago we got into a fight. We were working on a outside enclosure for our chickens (a project that seems to be never ending and nothing will go right) everytime we work on this thing he throws what I call tantrums because something wont be straight or because the chicken wire looks wavy. Hes just a nightmare and I become the "punching bag" he snaps at everything little thing I do. I just feel like I cant even breathe right around him. So I stapled something too close to the edge of the post, it was supposed to be like inch over. You would of thought I knocked the whole thing over. He was all "What is wrong with you" "what are you thinking" "why would you do this". I couldn't take it anymore, he does this often and sometimes i just let it go because if I talk back it just be comes a never ending cycle. But this time I said I cant take this anymore you're not speaking to me like this anymore and I started to walk away. Well he lost it even more, threatened to tear the whole thing down all because im being dumb. I told him hes an asshole, so he threw the staple gun (not at me, just off to the side) I started crying and he just said im being ridiculous. I knew he would in fact rip the whole thing down, and theres no point to keep talking because he just gets madder and madder, to him he is never in the wrong. We continued to work, he was back to his normal self acting fine and calm, I just stayed silent. Later he asked why I so mopey, I said because you hurt me when you do that, you talk down to me and just keep putting me down, I cant do anything right with you lately. I said its not right for you to speak to me like that. So (as usual) he goes to extreme defense mode and says how Its my fault, that I messed up, I did something wrong and that if he cant make me happy and if all he does is put me down then he should just leave. Hes never said anything along these lines before so it just completely caught me off guard. he said if i want him to go then he will and he wont fight for me because hes fought for a girl before and it was awful. So now here we are 6 months before our wedding and hes already making it clear he wont try to save our relationship all because I just want him to be nicer to me.
So as usual afterwards he acts like nothings happened and my mind is racing. I told him a week before I wanted to start therapy, for my own issues. Ive struggled with self esteem and weight issues, and given our hectic lives its just getting worse. I feel like im drowning. We have 4 dogs (he breeds and trains german shepherds) hes also a paramedic so we works hectic hours at times. But the dogs and puppies have become my responsibility because hes working and when hes home hes stressed so he finds something else to work on, and its rarely ever the dogs. So their day to day care falls on me. and I work full time too. So the few hours I have when I get home its spent with them making sure they get attention and play time. Its alot and i didn't sign up to be only one taking care of them....and he talks about wanting more! So i told him I wanted to start therapy last week. I had an appointment yesterday, I told him over the phone about the appointment, he lost his mind saying I never told him I was doing it and we needed to discuss it more. He doesnt believe in therapy, which fine Im not trying to drag him to it. So on the phone he just yelling at me saying im keeping secrets and that he should just leave because im miserable and its all his fault and he can do nothing right, etc etc. I tried to tell him over and over it doesnt have anything to do with him I'm trying to fix myself Im trying to learn how to cope with my emotions and just try to be happy. I said all I want from you is too realize how you talk to me and try harder just not do that. He ended the conversation with he should just leave and that we'll figure it when I get home.
When I got home that night, he was calm and making small talk and he eventually just hugged me and told me he loved me. I asked if he understood now what im trying to say/do. He doesnt, he just kept saying therapy isnt the answer to just go to the gym. And he still sees nothing wrong how he talks me to, its just how it is, If I dont like it then he can leave. I told him I cant be the one you snap at just because your stressed and he just says your the only one there so it just how its going to happen so just deal with it. I told him you have to understand Im always going to stick up for myself when you treat me like that because its wrong. I asked if he wants to postpone the wedding since he had brought up twice about leaving and he said I need to get my shit together and figure out what I want...
So im at a crossroads...im so angry that a big part of me is ready to just tell him to leave (he has no where to go since he would try to take all the dogs and his mother lives with us, we just bought a house a year ago but its technically mine). I know I can be harsh when Im mad and can just cut someone out and the reality would sink in later that it was mistake.
Is the snapping, at times very condescending, inability to express appreciation or ever apologize, self centered attitude the ADHD or is he just a jerk? I want kids...is he going to snap at them and talk down to them? Is he going to give me attitude because I cant help him with yard work because at some point we will have human kids that will need to actually be watched? my mind is going in a million directions...and I just don't know what to do anymore..
Were supposed to be getting married in january, my parents have money into this day for us and Im days away from a hopes of them getting any deposit money back so I feel enormous pressure to decide my life now. Apart of me thinks if theres an excuse for his actions and his inability to consider my feelings maybe i can make it worth....but the other part of me is like why am i the only one who has to compromise and change and he gets jsut tell me to get over it...
thanks for reading my rant...
OMG....did I write this?? I
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
OMG....did I write this?? I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I don't know if my H has ADHD or is just a jerk either. I hate it when he asks me to help with some project because I know before I even start that I will be doing it wrong within 5 seconds. He wanted me to hold the piece of wood while he put it through the electric saw but of course I was holding it an an angle tor too high or too low. Then he asked me to hit the button on the left. I looked and saw no button on the left. He said louder "the button on the left" I looked again and said "there is no button on the left". Then he rolled his eyes and said "my left" . And you couldn't say that to me before you kept yelling on the left? Then if I help I'm in the way and if I'm not helping then I'm being lazy and he has to do all the work. If I disengage and mope around and avoid saying anything to him, he will actually say to me "What's wrong?" I'm always overly sensitive and blow things out of proportion. I never ever get an apology for the way he treats me. He just tries to be all nice to me afterwards because he knows he was a jerk. If I don't come around then he starts getting angry at me for being angry at him so I end up apologizing for something he did!!
I never know if he's going to come home in a good mood or a bad mood and every single day I am on eggshells hoping for the best. If I ask him how his day was he will immediately snap at me saying "How do you THINK it was? It sucked just like every other day". He makes it feel like it's my fault for him having a bad day and if I say anything to him he will snap at me. I don't mind if he comes home in a bad mood and would talk to me about his bad day but he simply projects it on me and I'm just another problem on top of all his other problems.
DRAMA
Submitted by VeryTired on
I have been with my husband for 13 years; we have been married for 7. Recently the words "drama queen" was used by one of his adult children; he has also been referred to as "Chicken Little" as well by several of his adult children in private. All of his children do not confront his behaviors, but I can see the irritation and biting words communicated when he starts his drama. I can't say I blame his children or anyone for not wanting to call him on it because he can be intimidating, defensive, impatient and hostile. I didn't think much about the drama queen comment made but then decided to see if there was a link between drama and adhd - and lo and behold, there is. I found an article on the ADDtitudemag.com website entitled "No More Drama! Saner ADHD Relationships - https://www.additudemag.com/too-much-drama-relationships/ . For me, the drama has been at the center of what creates most of the disconnect. I can't do any projects with him because he communicates in such an aggressive manner that it creates anger. He can't be collaborative, it has to be his way and he will get defensive, condescending, and just plain mean. I just walk away thinking - "how in the hell am I supposed to married to a person I can't even do a simple home improvement project with". This same behavior have ruined long overdue vacations, quality time together, and the ability to be happy as a couple. I don't think my husband realizes how his drama has impacted ALL his relationships - work, family (he has been divorced twice), and even total strangers must sense the drama around his as the tendency is to make comments to me on the side. I know when he is gone for a period, it's like my spirit feels free and energized - it's a sad way to feel, but after years of drama I'm burned out.
The referenced article above talks about the drama and what to do so you catch yourself before you get drawn in. An example that resonated for me is that "many ADD people pick on others to get a rise out of them, upset them, and try to make them crazy". This article states the reason they do this is because the ADHD brain doesn't have enough stimulation and is looking for ways to increase brain activity - being angry or negative has an immediate stimulating effect on the brain. Further, getting upset produces increased amounts of adrenaline, which in turn raises heart rate and brain activity. The adrenaline rush is also activated when they can get others to scream, yell, and lose control. I have been going through this repetitive cycle for years without even realizing what may be going on. I hope you find the article helpful.
I agree 100%! I can't do any
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I agree 100%! I can't do any projects with my H because I'm never doing it right, I can't understand what he wants me to do and most of the time he just assumes I know what he needs or wants me to do and I'm an idiot because I just don't get it. I certainly hate driving if he's the passenger and rarely do. When I do, then within 30 seconds he's telling me all the things I'm doing wrong and I'm nervous as hell and of course over think everything I'm doing. We plan weekend trips which sound like fun, but within 24 hours he's upset because "I" didn't make plans on what to do or figure out how to get places. Every trip we take ends up with him being furious by the end of it.
Sounds very familiar
Submitted by VeryTired on
I understand, I have experienced the same thing. What I started doing is letting him know that if I am going to drive, there is an agreement that he will not backseat drive. If we cannot agree to this, then I don't drive. I also let him know that his communication style does not work, I am not a mind reader, nor will I try to guess what he wants or needs. I am trying to learn to not respond to the drama, to set boundaries and most of all to let go and put the ownership back on him. If he is not able to behave in a mindful manner during a trip, I isolate from him and try to create a peaceful setting for myself. I find that it feels empowering to let him know that when you can behave in an acceptable manner we can come back together and try to talk out what happened that caused us to get out of sorts. I have to say, it is tiring, but until my husband commits to learning how to be more mindful/self-aware (through meditation or ???) I don't see the situation changing as he does not know how to self-monitor, filter his words, and modify his impulsivity. The question that comes to the mind of many non-ADHD partners is, do I stay or do I go?
Very familiar
Submitted by felicity on
I completely agree with your new bits 100% - the driving and the trips away are the worst! If we have been somewhere and its been fun I generally think it was despite his behaviour and moaning. And as for the directions - I ask him if he knows where we are going before we set off but once we have driven past the correct junction or are just approaching it and he will query it too late and its always my fault for not knowing, that always makes for a calm drive!!!
this has also happened to me
Submitted by commonbuckeye on
I stopped working on projects with my husband because I felt so beaten up afterwards: there was no listening, no partnership, and not only was it not fun but it didn't even feel safe. I find myself in tears before vacations and holidays from the stress. He is really just not aware that how he acts is a problem for me (he says that he didn't do or say the things that I remember him doing or saying, or that he did do them but they weren't as I said they were) If I tell him I feel hurt or it's hurting our marriage, he says "well you shouldn't feel like that". He's not always this bad but he doesn't know the difference, apparently.
I know I am not imagining it.
I am pretty much out of try at this point.
hazel, not just adhd
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I'm SO sorry you are going through this, and many of us here understand what you are living with. Like others have told me about my husband.......it's not just his ADHD.
This condition can come with other conditions (co-morbidity), which develops from undiagnosed and untreated ADHD, as well as how they were raised by their parents.
You sound so stressed and hurt, I do know that well. Sweetheart, this won't get better because you guys get married, in fact it will get worse....unless your fiance gets out of his denial and starts getting meds AND therapy. Recognizing HE has a problem is half the battle, But it doesn't sound like he's even a tiny bit close to wantIng that, if he's putting all the blame on you.
I just left my husband after 33 years marriage, because I couldn't take a one sided relationship any longer, plus infidelity, and constant chaos. At 59 years old, I feel like I've wasted most my life now, trying to make a lopsided relationship work, and I have now ended up with nothing financially as well as other things.
At least I would suggest postponing the wedding until YOU get some of the therapy you talked about. I do believe there is more going on here than ADHD in him. My husband had been in denial about his ADHD and how it affected HIM and US ALL these years. He didn't start behavioral therapy until after I left. He also took himself off his ADHD meds and would take them only once in a while which made him even more chaotic and Moody, But nothing I said made any difference. He too, wouldn't listen to any input from me, even if I was brokenhearted and crying. It seriously affected my health with all the stress and extra responsibilities, as well as then being injured and becoming disabled. He just wouldn't talk about what WE could do to improve things.
Anyway, I'm not trying to tell you what to do, I'm just adding an opinion and hope and pray things work out for you. Keep posting here, and its OKAY to rant even. It's better to get it out to us and a therapist than hold it inside. Hugs to you tonight.
Dede
Thank you all for your comments
Submitted by Hazel23 on
Thank you for taking the time to respond to frantic rant! Its definitely comforting to have a place to turn to and people who understand.
A big part of me does want to postpone the wedding..I'm hoping my new therapist will be able to help me navigate this topic as I expect him to not react well (as would I if the roles were reversed).
But I also know this current time in our lives is the most stressed hes probably ever been. The place he worked closed down so he was left with out a job months after we bought a new house, he was able to find two new jobs that between the two have him working 75+ hrs, hes the new guy so he cant exactly complain, one job releases his schedule a month at a time so we really dont even know what he schedule is in a few weeks. On top of that he had started a small lawn service business right before he lost his job so he mowing 3 lawns and our new 5 acre property. I'm not excusing his behavior but I'm trying to remind myself this an off time period we are going thru.
Up until this outburst I thought I had made peace with his other "quirks" Ive learned to read his mood to approach certain topics, I know he can leave a mess and not really care (but what guy doesnt?) it evens out to me because he kills himself to give us a beautiful home. It took me a while to accept and I still struggle with his inability express appreciation but Ive learn to read his actions more, I see when he goes the extra mile to make me happy. Thats a big part of me trying to work on myself, I know I can over analyze and focus too much on the negative.
He did try to go back on medicine a few years ago, he wanted to go back to school for nursing. He went on adderall and ended up having an awful allergeic reaction that took us a while to figure out it was the adderall. It started as painful thrush and ended up turning into large blisters that formed all over his body, each time increasing in number when it would flare up. We went on a cruise, as we were waiting on line to board the ship you could see the blisters forming on his face, he was devastated and thankfully had packed some antibiotics and was able to keep them under control, he didnt let it ruin the trip and we had a great time. Did the medicine help? I honestly dont know because it created a more stressful situation that was honestly scary. About six months ago he was trying the advocare diet and was taking the spark energy drinks required in the diet and the blisters returned. When I research the drink I saw that some mothers were giving the drink to their ADHD kids. So we really dont know what triggers the blisters...he wants to be on medicine but hes weary about it.
In a sense I see how hes learned to deal with his ADHD quite well, some of what I see on this site definitely applies to him and some I see and Im like thank god he doesnt do that. I think Dede said it best in that parenting plays a role in actions as well...his mother lives with us, his father passed away about 10 years ago from what I can tell I dont think he was really taught to not be snappy. From what his mom tells me about his father, he could be very similar but would make you pay for a fight and not speak to you for days, my guy moves on and will be back to being happy and normal later in the day.
I'm still torn in that is this stuff I can live with or is this a deal breaker? I really dont know...
It Doesn't Get Better-I signed up specifically to reply to you
Submitted by adhd32 on
I signed up specifically to reply to you.
I'm still married after 34 years but I must say your relationship probably won't improve. DH was never diagnosed because ADHD wasn't even recognized when we were growing up. He was disorganized and and always losing things and was (what I thought) very spontaneous. I honestly had no idea of his habits because living together when we were dating was taboo and I never really saw the full extent of his "bad habits". He held it together through the early stress of marriage and I began doing most of the day to day tasks. He was fine until the birth of our second child. He could not deal with the stress of a baby and toddler and everything wrong in his life became my fault. He refused to have anyone come in and do any renovations to our home so instead we lived with half-finished projects in every room. He complained that we never reciprocated dinners with friends but I was embarrassed to have anyone over to the house. We both worked but he always found time for his little projects (which he managed to finish) while I did all the necessary tasks with the kids like teaching them to ride a bike or drive a car. He was far too critical and got stuck on technique while trying to teach them (and me) new skills so the encounters ended in screaming instructions over and over and us in tears. As time went by the kids preferred to be with me and we did things without him because was always critical and made embarrassing comments. I actually once remarked to a coworker that I felt that it would just be easier to be a single parent, at least I wouldn't have to deal with the negative opinions from him. We held our breath at school and church functions waiting for some rude comment or action. The kids grew up and went off to college and while out of the house he wallowed in having all of my attention. I honestly feel he was jealous of them having ANY of my attention, he denied that. He especially hated when I would help them with homework for some reason. Now my oldest has been diagnosed with adult ADD. He was dreamy as a child but an excellent student and received a college scholarship so I was really unaware there was an issue. While DH now owns up to "possibly" having ADD he will not change. He has no empathy and treats people as though their illness/difficulties are a character flaw. He thinks he is a great guy.
With regard to your SO, he is probably the best he is going to be right now. The compounding pressures of life make someone with ADD become very selfish, uncooperative, and childish. Not every day is bad but looking back I wonder what life would have been like with someone who was a real partner and was concerned with my happiness and had my back.
The Same Marriage
Submitted by tiredwife on
You took the words right out of my mouth! My husband's behavior was so similar to your husband..And no one understood my complaints.I didn't understand what was going on.
ADD/ADHD leaves a lot of scares on the hearts of the Non ADD/ADHD Spouse.
Things will get more stressful
Submitted by shevrae on
You said, "But I also know this current time in our lives is the most stressed hes probably ever been."
That may be true, but I can pretty much guarantee it isn't the most stressed he will ever be. Add kids and the stress level skyrockets. Add aging and other health issues and the stress level increases. I'm not trying to be discouraging, just honest.
It's very hard to want something so badly (a life with this person) AND feel obligated (my parents have spent money on our wedding) but this is your one and only life. No matter who you end up with, there will be stresses, pain, arguments, etc. - that's life. But you should ask yourself if these are the kinds of interactions you want to have for the next few decades. If not, you should start setting some very strong boundaries around treatment, how he deals with frustrations, and other behaviors you find painful. Because I promise you will see a lot of it in the future if you don't stop it now - I know that from experience, sadly.
Best of luck to you.
Talk straight to your parents
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
They dont need to know all the details. But family is family. Consider telling your parents the truth that you need to sort some things out. They love you, or they wouldnt be contributing to your wedding. Being truthful with them that things have come up of late that need their own time, will show you care to tell your parents the truth, and will, once you've done it, take some pressure off you. Which it sounds like you need.
If six or nine more months than you expected to take allows you see with more clarity how you and your BF habitually are around each other, take it. IT's all right to do that. . Expect that you're marrying what you see him habitually do,, and that you're bringing into the marriage what you are repeatedly doing with him. Marriages dont magically fix these things, just because there is a wedding.
Why not take a little more time, so that you and your future spouse can tackle these things with each other, before marriage? You owe it to any future kids to know some answers to the questions you asked.
Worrying about you some,
Now
I did speak with my family
Submitted by Hazel23 on
My parents know what went on, I work for my father so after the phone conversation where he upset me I couldnt really hide it at work. My parents have been married for 35 years so they've been a good source of comfort. They obviously agree he cant talk to me like that, and are proud i do stick up for my self and that Im seeking therapy for myself for personal reasons. They also know how hard times pop up in a relationships and know that this is hard time for us now. They'll support any decision I make. We've lived together for over 3 years, I have no delusions that marriage fixes anything, it's a continuing step in our relationship.
I also spoke with his mother (who lives with us) she knows how he can be and has always worried about him. He takes after his father (who sounds like he was much worst then my guy) it upsets her because he picked up these actions from watching his father interact with her. If anyone needs therapy its him, but he just wont admit that. I know if we have kids theres a risk I could feel like a single mother. He will either be an all hands of deck super dad or he will get stressed and find projects to distract himself, I can see him swaying either way. If only we could see the future!
Bottom line, I know he wont change, I just need to decide if im strong enough to look past when hes acts like this, and if its worth the effort in the long run.
Please research ADD/ADHD
Submitted by tiredwife on
I have been married to a man with ADD/ADHD for 37 yrs. And for at least 30 of those years I did not know he suffered with this mental illness..It was not until the youngest of my 3 children convince us to allow her to go to counseling(she was 21 and in college).Well, to my surprise I learned that my daughter has ADD. And to this day I am so sad that I ignored her telling me she thought she had ADD at age14.
I was too busy to understand my husband's behavior , which was ,and still similar to most of the wives who have commented on ADD. I was trying to keep my marriage together.Now I know it was never together. It was not until I discovered this web site, I finally realized I was NOT CRAZY..His behavior kept me so confused.
I suggest to youHazel23..PLEASE! do all the research on this subject....I was researching ADD/ADHD to help me understand how ADD/ADHD affected my daughter.And to my surprise, I found out what was going on with my husband! HE HAS ADD/ADHD...This is the book I found,...DANIEL AMEN,MD "Healing ADD From The Inside Out....Heal The Seven Types of ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER".I had seen Dr. Amen on PBS discussing this topic.
Please read this book!!! This illness is hereditary....Do your research, don't just trust me....Research this topic.
I feel as a wife for 37 yrs. that I have been married to man who was has betrayed me....that just how I feel.
I, now spend all my efforts and work on helping my daughter, and I think my other 2 adult children show symptoms.My husband is "toast" to me until he seeks help.I still love him, but will not be in a "relationship "with ADD/ADHD.
tiredwife
My Ex husband did the same thing....
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
And he didn't have ADHD. My ex was constantly critical and verbally abusive. He would always find a way to twist my words around and blame me for anything that went wrong in his life. I began to question my sanity. By the time I finally filed for divorce, over 10 years had passed, and I had no self esteem left. My ex didn't speak to me in front of other people the same way he did when we were alone. Every thing he did or said was deliberate, and he never apologized for anything.
This is more than just ADHD.
Submitted by dvance on
This is more than just ADHD. Please think very hard before marrying this man. I read both of your posts and I have some thoughts about the one in which you talk about all the stress he is under at the moment, with job issues, etc. I can tell you from 21 years of marriage and two teen age boys that there is always something stressful going on. There is never a long period of time where all is well at the same time. If you cannot count on your person to be calm and kind and rational in times of stress, that is not good. Why can he only be nice when things are going his way? That is not how adults behave. Part of being a mautre person is being able to function under all kinds of circumstances. If he can only be nice to you when everything is calm, what does that say about his character? Introduce a child and then what--what if your child has a special need? What if they get sick? what if the child grows up and makes choices he doesn't agree with? then what? will he only be a good parent if the child is doing things his way? all children misbehave at some point-how would he respond? Snapping at the person you supposedly love is not a way to deal with stress. LIFE is stressful and many of us cope without snapping at anyone--why can't he? You are likely just as stressed if not more so--why does he get a pass? why is he allowed to treat you poorly just because HE is stressed? That is not the behavior of a mature adult. Please think very ver hard. What's to love about that? When I think about what I love about my loved ones, it's qualities like compassion, intelligence, sense of humor, faith, their values, kindness, work ethic--does he have the things you love in a person? consistently--not just when the waters are calm? I really think how a person acts under stress is very telling--it reveals a lot about their true character. Do you really respect him? Can you see living like this for the rest of your life? for the next 10 years?
I was prepared for a shit
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
I was prepared for a shit storm from H on Wed. night when he got home from work because he didn't go to work the day before and didn't even call in. Yet still nobody from work, not even his boss, even called wondering where he was. I was a nervous wreck all day wondering what was going to happen to him. He gets home about 45 minutes late and I'm bracing myself for the worst, but he came home happy as a clam! He spent the 45 minutes talking to his boss about stuff and his boss said "What happened yesterday? Why weren't you here?" H tells him "Ya know, I just needed a day to decmpress." His boss actually said to him "Okay, that's cool"! WHAT?? So he was all happy and was lovey with me and thought I was the best thing ever.
Yesterday I stopped by his work after I got off because he needed me to drop something off. He's with a customer when I show up so I just hang out for 10 minutes. Oh he was lovey with me, calling me honey and sweetie in front of his coworkers, giving me a kiss, rubbing his hand up and down my back. It was kind of uncomfortable for me. He walked me out to my car and was still all lovey. When he's like that in front of others I often have to wonder if he's putting on an act to show others just how great he is or what because some of his coworkers were out in the parking lot. When I left he had an hour left of work. Well he came through the front door and acted like the last thing he wanted to do was see me. Didn't give me a kiss, went to take a bath, gave more love to the cats than me. Funny how less than 2 hours ago you were overly affectionate and now you act like I repulse you! He was very nonchalant with me, even said "Well lets hurry up and eat so I can get back to my video game". DId something happen in that last hour of work to piss him off or was he just acting all along?? Then he starts referencing out of nowhere "Oh sorry I kept you at my work. It didn't allow you to have time to get it on with the pool boy before I got home." It's like where is THIS coming from???
How can there be such highs and lows to his moods so quickly. Usually when he's like this he'll start going off on everythign that is the norm any other day like "Why do you have to keep all your shit on the bathroom counter? Why does it smell like you've been cleaning? Do you have to stomp around the house? Could you chew any louder?" Basically just breathing pisses him off!
Also, I get so frustrated
Submitted by Mapper (not verified) on
Also, I get so frustrated because we never do anything or go anywhere. He's always too tired or too grumpy or too lazy to leave the house. Says he works too much and just needs to chill out at home on his days off, which consists of computer, video games, drinking and napping. Yet he always says "Say the word and we'll go do something". He brings up all these ideas about us going camping, or going to the fair, or taking a road trip one day, or renting kayaks, or going to a baseball game (which we have tickets for), but then I bring it up to him (this is after HE brought up the idea a few days earlier about doing something) and he acts like he has no idea what I'm talking about. Like he never brought up the idea in the first place. Or he begrudgingly goes through with doing it but it's such a chore and he's in a bad mood the entire time, but acts like a martyr because he's going out of his way to make ME happy. And if I don't speak up and then waste our baseball tickets he'll go "Well why didn't you say something? I would have totally gone to that..all you need to do is say the word"! So apparently he's all up for doing these things but it's up to me to plan them out because he can't. Yet when I tell him I want to do something, he gives me every reason why he doesn't want to. It's MY fault because I didn't seem enthused about doing it. You want to know why? Because every time he raises my hopes that we are going to go and do something fun, it never happens. It's like he never brought it up. So why get excited about something that he never planned on doing in the first place?? I've learned that all he is is talk and no action.
How is it now?
Submitted by DontWantNoScrub on
Researching what's wrong with my husband, too much to list really, when I came across your post. I'm wondering if you ever got married? Did things get better? Did you have children? Did they get his ADD as it is definitely genetic?
Scrub and I had our 5th anniversary yesterday and it was fine. He was kind for most of the day. Then this morning the switch had flipped back to A-hole Husband. Fun... He's a 50 year old tween and I'm so not into it. The snark, the cruelty, then the innocent looks after. Uh huh. Like I forgot what you said about me an hour ago. Don't even. Might have to leave him, but I'm doing my due diligence before making any decisions.
I'm truly wondering how thing have gone for you Hazel. I hope you're well and that you get a notification for this. Looking forward to an update!
Hazel
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I just reread your post. I'm wondering how you are doing now and if you are still with him. Did you get married? I'm hoping not after what you said in your post. At any rate I hope you are well.
Postpone
Submitted by kerovan on
This is probably not what you want to hear, but it sounds like you are at a very important crossroads and I think you know what you need to do; postpone the wedding.
Right now you can't say with confidence your future will be happy together. There is so much on the line and you deserve to be with someone who treats you with kindness and respect, or at the very least is capable of acknowledging how their behavior affected you.
I'm really sad that you're going through this. In my experience as a non-ADHD partner who has kids, his treatment of them is the same and oftentimes worse than my treatment....as they are inevitably less capable of recognizing the ADHD effect and giving patience and offering understanding.
edit: oops - just realized the original post is a few months old. Hope you're doing okay!
How to not get mean
Submitted by Vacaparis on
My adhd husband has said awful lies about me to my toxic family members and I want to know how do I not get mean just dealing with him. He acts like he hates me.