I have been married to my husband for 11 years and have experienced all the craziness that is described in this forum. I often find myself relating to so many of the posts here. When I first began noticing the odd behaviors, the lying, the cheating, the angry temper, stonewalling, silent treatments, saying one thing - doing another, etc, etc. I, like most of you went on a search for what was going on to gain clarity and validate that I was not in fact losing my mind. My husband's two oldest sons both have ADHD so that is where I began my search. I found the book, Is it you, me or ADHD? and I found myself saying.. YES! This is my life!!. I then found Melissa's website, books and we even attended her couple's online seminar. My husband went along with the "therapy" and several other therapists after but nothing really ever changed. He would be ok for a little while and then things would go right back to the way they were or worse. Each time I would try to talk to him about my feelings or reach out to him emotionally in any way I would be met with pure and utter rage. Everything I said would be flipped back on me, he would accuse me of things I never said and EVERYTHING I said was perceived as an attack on him. He could never "hear" what I was trying to say because he was always to busy trying to scream over me and defend himself. He would always talk about how hard it was for HIM to find out these things about himself but NEVER would acknowledge any of my feelings or what it was like for me!! I was always walking on eggshells trying to be understanding of his issues but never got the same back. Arguments were never about his behavior but rather my reaction to his behavior. He would NEVER accept any responsiblity or accountability for anything he did. About a month ago we had a fight where again, I tried to talk to him about my feelings and he flipped out, started screaming at me and started filing for divorce the next day. He refuses to talk to me about any of it and has become extremely cruel. I moved out last week and have already been replaced. He shows absolutely no emotion over the end of our marriage while I am devastated. I no longer feel this is ADHD. It is textbook covert narcassism and it will NEVER change! (atleast in my case). My husband has no empathy or remorse for his actions NONE. While this has been a big pill to swallow I now can begin the recovery of getting my life back. The abuse is insidious and many of us don't even know or acknowledge that we are in fact being emotionally abused... I know I didn't. Instead, I would keep trying to be better, do better and make excuses for things I knew in my gut were wrong. I tried trying to not take things personal but how can you not when you are talking about one of the most personal relationships you will ever have?? I am angry at myself for allowing him to abuse me for all those years. And yes, it was abuse and having to admit that to myself was the hardest of all. No one wants to think you married an abuser but that's exactly what I did..
Narcissism?
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hello, struggles,
It seems natural to me to want to think well of a spouse and have a good relationship with him. It is not always in our control, as you have learned. My husband seemed at first like a spoiled brat. He was very controlling, and I let him control me for the sake of harmony. I increasingly felt I was walking on eggshells. He became more and more cruel toward me.
He has struggled with addictions. Whenever I got too close to the truth, he blew everything up with some huge argument. I believe he did this as a diversion. Anything was better than being caught. Everything was my fault. I was too demanding, I didn't cut him enough slack. He was disappearing on me, then insisting he told me where he went and I forgot, he wasn't gone very long, I was imagining things.
I started reading and thought he might be narcissistic. The behaviors fit. I was devastated. How did I let myself stay so many years and be mistreated? We separated (my choice), and I gradually moved ahead with a life alone. It was good, although I always had a pain in my heart. I was betrayed, and I was sad. I wanted the relationship I thought I had when my husband and I married. It was hard to think it had never been that way. He started out selfish and controlling and ended up abusive and controlling.
When I decided to file for divorce, my husband made an effort to change. He says he had already been working hard on things for a year prior to that. It sounds like change and reconciliation are unlikely outcomes for you. All you can do is move ahead and see where you end up. In my case my husband got help and tried very hard to be a good husband. He learned to apologize. He learned to stop keeping secrets. He is engaged in our life, not his fantasy life. It has taken years to rebuild trust.
No matter the outcome, you can be ok and have a good life. I wish you all the best.
Angie
ADHD or Narcissism?
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I don't think your husband's abusive behavior is ADHD.
My boyfriend of two and a half years has ADHD and he is not abusive.
My ex husband, however is another matter. My ex did not have ADHD, but he was verbally abusive, manipulative and controlling. I was subjected to gaslighting on a regular basis and because it all happened behind closed doors, I looked like a crazy woman when I filed for divorce. I couldn't take the walking on eggshells anymore, trying to gauge his mood when he walked thru the door after work. he would blow up at the slightest thing, and would twist my words around.