Hello,
I'm in a relationship of a year and a half with a man whom I suspect has ADD, or ADHD, it confuses me what might be most accurate.
Signs include hoarding/disorganization, risk taking, impulsive (showing in insensitive comments and other ways) RSD reactions to any issue I express unhappiness about in the relationship)....
We have continual difficulty with communication, and when I express my needs or limitations it seems to fall on deaf ears. I do not feel I can continue the relationship long term on these terms, and wonder if it is advisable or not to suggest to him that he look into ADD as a possible explanation for the issues he struggles with.
I have been in continual self growth and self awareness during our relationship, and been open about issues I'm working on. I need reciprocity but also tend to believe that approaching him with this would create another unbearable RSD response which at this point, I couldn't survive.
Any advice appreciated.
You will probably be met with denial.
Submitted by sickandtired on
My ex bf was in total denial about his behaviors and emotions even after being diagnosed by a psychiatrist. He did absolutely nothing to help himself or find professionals to help him cope with his ADHD. Someone who does not seek help will never magically improve on their own with no meds or therapy . As usual, he blamed ME for being “too sensitive” or having “too high standards”. If you only have been with your guy a year or so, you are probably still in his hyperfocus stage, which is the calm before the storm. Regardless if his behavior is due to ADHD or bad character, a bad upbringing or whatever, it’s not worth it to try to change him. Adults in denial about their issues can’t be changed by others, no matter how much they care for them. I got out of my relationship, after over 11 years of trying to help him, pay for his lifestyle, get him into therapy, etc. I got nothing for my sacrifices except emotional devastation, a permanent physical injury, and having him steal my car and trash my vacation house after I dumped him. Don’t be like me. There are so many healthy, caring men out there for you. You deserve better than this.
Excellent Advice
Submitted by overwhelmed wif... on
I can relate to sickandtired's reponse. She offers excellent advice.
Thank you so much for your reply
Submitted by Introvert on
After I posted this I decided to just have the conversation, after a rough weekend due to what I believe are ADHD traits in him, unrecognized and untreated.
I began by asking if he had considered ADHD as a possible source for some of the issues he admits to having struggles with. He was somewhat defensive but not overly so- just guarded. I told him I am trying to find solutions to our relationship difficulties, and I know that this conversation may cause him to feel unable to continue with me, which I would accept. I offered to give him time and space to reflect and determine where he stands with me having made this suggestion. He seemed hurt by it, and surprised. He asked what let me to believe he may have adhd and I told him.
I also reminded him that I myself have received diagnosis for issues that I have been aware of and working on responsibility, the duration of our relationship, so this is not hypocritical or judgmental.
I have PTSD, and I am also HSP.
Later in the day he was standoffish and I asked, are you just going to stay away from me?
He asked- Are you contagious? (joke)
I replied -Yes, with neuro divergence.
He came and kissed me and gave me a long hug , so now we eat taco salad and will address it further later.
I have boundaries in place and won't continue the relationship dysfunction the way it's manifested. He can choose his next steps but I have no desire to parent him or change him. I need reciprocity and personal responsibility taken for any personal issues that damage the relationship, and if he can do that then we can continue. If not, my choice is clear. I will choose to detach and let go for my own well being.
I have PTSD too.
Submitted by sickandtired on
Having PTSD, I would hear the cruel things he said over and over in my mind. Is that something that is present in your relationship?
My ex was quick to anger... does his behavior include anger?
Good for you for setting boundaries.
PTSD response
Submitted by Introvert on
Yes, his behavior includes anger. I do not ruminate on what he says that I find inappropriate, nor does it loop for me. I just find it offensive and toxic, I don't feel that it traumatizes me. I do however see my internal response as being withdrawal (which I feel is appropriate) to contemplate the viability of the relationship. So I don't feel victimized I simply do not want to tolerate it as it is destructive, dishonest, and leads to no resolution. I don't feel caught in an abusive cycle that I don't have choice or agency in, I feel very aware of boundary busting behavior and I don't want to enable or engage with it.
An issue in the past has been to get drawn into the RSD madness trying to clarify, explain, defend, and it's absolutely madness. It is crazymaking. My new boundary is to detach when he becomes activated, for my own well being. I'm practicing that, instead of getting pulled into the escalation.
He's been relating well to me this afternoon after the revelation that I see him as having serious neurodivergent issues to address if he wants to improve our relationship, and that's probably the first time he's understood that his attempts to deflect, project and blame me are not having effect. If he can see that I can accept him and support without tolerating toxic behavior then perhaps he will be able to move toward self awareness. It simply remains to be seen.
I feel tremendous relief at having been transparent about my concerns and asserting new boundaries (internally) for myself to not become a casualty of his unaddressed issues.
Codependency
Submitted by Introvert on
I hope you don't mind my saying so, but it sounds as if you developed a codependent coping mechanism to your ex. Have you addressed your own unhealthy responses to his behavior? That's what I'm most aware of right now, making sure I don't compensate for his lack of accountability by taking on things that aren't mine to take on, fixing, helping, enabling etc. I've done a lot of work over the years to address my own side of relationship patterns- because really I believe that dynamics and. ot just individuals are toxic, these problems are usually two sided. I'm trying to be very mindful of my side. Part of needing ti address this is being honest and transparent about my position, not to change or influence him as much as let him know that I am thinking very differently to him about our issues. We would have to align in our views in order to proceed as a couple. I think it takes tackling issues together to get anywhere and someone in denial or unawareness can't be a part of the solution. It takes two break it and two to rebuild it.
So, I'll jist see what emerges next as we carry on our usual contact. It's a lot for him to digest I'm sure. I know him well enough to know he hasn't dismissed it completely. He seems glad that my conversation with him wasn't about tearing him down and walking away, it's actually about trying to move forward in a healthier way.
Unhealthy Responses
Submitted by sickandtired on
Good point Introvert! I have been through a lot of counseling to be able to say “no” to unreasonable demands, hoarding, or unrealistic projects that ended in failure on his part, and financial costs on my part. I was afraid of his angry raging over the smallest things. I chose to avoid facing his rage and just give in to his demands. I found a lot of validation of my feelings in therapy, and I realized I was not setting boundaries, rather caving in to him just to “keep the peace” in our household. We lived together for over 10 years. I ended the relationship ship in the spring of 2015.
No rage
Submitted by Introvert on
That sounds horrible. and I'm sorry you faced that kind of abuse. My SO doesn't rage, what he does is get super defensive and manipulative when he is triggered into RSD response. He gets triggered when I become annoyed or step up assertiveness around his adhd behavior. Then he feels criticized and defensive and it just deteriorates into spiteful nonsense.
I think if he were aware of his sensitivity he would be able to work with it. He shows the desire for change where he can but needs help with this. If he chooses that. But I know for sure I will be working on how to handle my end to not do damage where it can be prevented- both to him and to myself.
I am compassionate about neurodivergence, and interested in how I can grow to support him without sacrificing my well being.
Hoping the next steps go well
Submitted by TryingToMakeItWork on
Hi Introvert,
It is great that "the conversation" went so well for you and that it seems your SO was able to hear you and consider it. I remember that I was also relieved to find that my husband was willing to consider whether ADHD explained some of his behavior, when I worked myself up to have the conversation. My guy tends to have what sounds like a very similar defensive reaction when I show annoyance with his behaviors, so I had not been sure how it would go.
I hope that the next steps go more smoothly for you than they did for me. I left that conversation (and a few follow-up ones where he increasingly identified with ADHD symptoms) feeling like he recognized the role of his behaviors in our relationship difficulties and would take action. I later found out that he apparently left that conversation feeling like I now understood him and would now, with this increased understanding, accommodate his behaviors (not at all what I said). When this came to light months later, being surprised and feeling a little betrayed, I did not do very well at staying calm and kind. It was at that point that he got defensive, angry, and spiteful. For us, that step -- getting him to actually get a diagnosis and treatment -- was a major sticking point. Although he did in the end get treatment, and things seem to be improving between us.
I don't bring this up to tell you that your SO will be the same -- people with ADHD are often pretty different. And I'm not sure what your boundaries require, whether you need him to get a diagnosis, get treatment, or just try to behave differently. I just thought I would share my experience so that if yours follows a similar path from here, you may not be as surprised as I was.
I understand!
Submitted by Introvert on
I understand what you're saying- and I'm sorry you were dealt that blow, his expectation that you would just accommodate him with no effort of his own to improve his treatment of you or the hardship he introduced into your life.
It sounds like he was quite unempathetic and self centered and perhaps had more going on that adhd, in his entitlement and abusive behaviors.
My SO tends to want to partner with me EXCEPT when triggered in insecurity as with the RSD response. He loses all perspective in those moments and it's damaging to me and the relationship. He admits to struggles that could easily be explained (in my layman opinion) by adhd. We haven't addressed it again but I would guess he feels somewhat relieved that 1) there may be an explanation that doesn't equate to character flaws and 2) I'm quite understanding and empathetic, as HSP traits are both an asset or a liability depending on how they are understood or managed and 3) we tend to have a collaborative approach to problem solving and this is yet another challenge we could meet as a couple instead of at odds with each other.
Considering the above, my boundaries do nothing include diagnosis, or even treatment at this point, mere self awareness and acknowledgment of the elephant in the living room regarding his adhd challenges would be sufficient to have constructive dialogs. At this point it's just necessary to face obvious challenges head on in a cooperative way to try to improve our dynamic and also, the strain he surely feels from the consequences of untreated adhd. He is not happy with the state of disarray, procrastination and overwhelm regarding STUFF. He sees it as something that he would like to make more manageable and less of a stressor.
Also, I just find a lot more hope in being able to have some humor and acceptance around neurodivergence. That's what we have managed to find regarding my sensory sensitivity and HSP traits. We manage together instead of me trying to cope alone. It impacts many facets of our life and how we do things. The same would apply to his adhd traits- we could potentially manage as a couple instead of him struggling to cope alone.
Of course none of that would be possible if he had no empathy for the impacts on me, which is sadly what seemed to be the situation with your ex. Ok glad you found support and freed yourself from that dynamic!
Well, finally got done!
Submitted by Introvert on
Two years after the initial post, we are done. I took major steps back, downgraded the relationship by moving out, and finally bluntly told him it doesn't cut it for me (when he wasn't ready to follow through on a plan he made with me after months of growing neglect, but felt abused by me saying I am disappointed. Screw RSD, I'm done.)
He freaked out and said "We're done. I'll never be good enough for you, I'll never meet your standards!"
I said, ok, I respect that and thanks for being honest. I didn't say it, but I agree he will never meet my standards, just because he can't, and I don't have to live disappointed.
So, on to the breakup, I'm doing ok.
Peace
Submitted by StumpedInSeattle on
Speaking as someone who never found the strength to take a step like this, glad you're able to prioritize your own self, sanity and needs.
Whatever you do, try not to look back or second-guess yourself. Good luck! <3