I have been with my husband for 7 years, married 1 year. He is the most emotionally intelligent, kind, loving man ever. We didn't live together at first so we found it easy to eek out the honeymoon period but since properly living together for the past 5 years and having children I have felt like I am going slowly mad and falling in to a pit of chronic anger. More recently I have questioned wether I can continue to commit my life to him, which seems ridiculous considering the love we have for each other and the morals and foundations of our relationship being near on perfect. It's the day to day stuff that has been destroying me/us. He doesn't appear to listen to me and seems to zone out and he looks like he doesn't care when people are talking to him, he constantly flits from one task to another becoming obsessed with something (designing ios apps at the moment) but never fully completing them before moving on to the next obsession. He is really messy, but in an odd way, not noticing the things that appear obvious to me and walking past his pants on the floor. He loses track of time and does something random instead of the thing he needs to do to get ready and then we all get super stressed when we are late somewhere. When i ask him to do a task he seems to do it not quite as I wanted and randomly changes a part of it to something he wants to do. I have always seen it as selfish, self obsessed, lazy and spoilt, which sounds really mean and in lots of ways I really know he isn't these things but its all my brain could conclude. It's been really difficult to run a house and have children with him and I have really felt awful with the hateful emotions I have towards him sometimes. I feel like I have to carry the burden of the household and if something needs doing I don't quite trust him, but I have never been able to quite articulate why as it seems like normal relationship problems to other people. Well I started reading about ADD yesterday after a colleague (who acts very much like my husband) said she has it and, wow, I just cried straight away spent the evening with my husband last night researching and learning and now I'm here trying to save my marriage... where should we start?
It all makes sense now!
Submitted by Scarlett Felstead on 07/21/2018.
Start with Acceptance; Kindness; boundaries; and wisdom
Submitted by c ur self on
He will never be like you...He may need to be tested...And go from there as for as other options....In order to live and love each other as you should....You must communicate about the reality of your life styles....ADD's and NON's (if he has it, either way, he is living with different priorities and abilities than you are)....You also need to talk about what is unaccceptable to each of you...Or your anger will just continue to poison the relationship....
Remember this one thing....Acceptance is vital...Look at the picture of your relationship....You are a reminder of things he doesn't do or make a priority....He is a reminder to you that you can't trust him to be responsible (pick his clothes up out of the floor)....So your life styles are offensive to each other by your very presents....(This is the start of all adhd and Non's troubles)...If you don't recognize this and place boundaries on both on you to alleviate some of the impact (intrusiveness) of the differences....You can bet your struggles to want to force change will continue....Which is destructive...You can't mother him, and you can't remake him...If you try, it will destroy the relationship....
Love, and respect for each others rights...Has to be the driving force....If it's selfishness..(I'M RIGHT AND YOU ARE WRONG!)....Count your loses and get out now!
Do not try to do things with him that causes instant conflict....example of a Boundaries...If you are an on time girl and he refuses to manage his life to do the same...Take seperate cars to things like work and church were it matters.....
Finances....If you of you has different spending habits and it's causing conflict...Seperate accounts.....Just be wise, and respect each others rights...Being a good example of right living is the best we have to offer each other....Anything else is mostly dysfunctional and distructive...
c
Just my experience - where to start
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I remember the day I figured out it was ADHD, too. It was a relief to finally get validation that *I* wasn't going crazy. Check, check, check... my marriage was a mess and not in a "normal" way.
I love that you love each other like you describe. My advice is that you can't save your marriage alone. It may be difficult to get him to see how his behaviors affect you and why that matters, but if you and he can get there, you'll be further ahead than most of us on this forum. If he is as committed as you are to saving your marriage, I think you have a chance. Melissa talks about successes and there is no reason you can't be one of them. The problem for a lot of us is that the non-adhd partner bends over backwards to make things work, while the adhd partner often makes no effort or little effort. Unfortunately, that doesn't work. The marriage might stay intact in name for some time or even forever, but it's totally broken.
I would suggest you click around this site. Melissa has so many great articles about strategies you can use. Sometimes it's helpful to tackle one thing at a time (division of chores, for example) and be patient.
My last piece of advice as you embark on this challenge is to not let yourself take on too much (more than you already have) and to try to be good to yourself in the process. I am proof that anger, resentment and taking on much more than my share of the load can start to take a physical toll on the body. (Think chronic physical and mental illness.) And your kids need you to stay healthy.
All the best to you. :)
might not get better
Submitted by husband33 on
I am at a similar phase as you: together 10yrs, kids, realizing ADHD in my partner about 6 months ago and having it diagnosed...
I have no advice to give. Still venting on this site and in shock as I replay history and my days through the new lense.
Nothing is getting better, yet.
I have probably spent 50hrs doing research and now I can see which behaviors are symptoms, basically everything I dislike about my marriage. So now I realize
she often isn't actually listening,
she mostly can't keep track of time or schedules or finances.
she can't follow through on most agreements or requests (never kept a job longer than a few months, now 12yrs unemployed),
she has been blaming all her life to cover up her behavior (not exactly lying but almost),
she can't help being messy,
she will constantly lose her belongings (and doesn't think it is a big deal),
she usually isn't thinking about me or the kids and will probably continue being mostly ungenerous,
she will put real effort into "new" relationships, almost obsessively, and then "drop" the relationship, unable to reciprocate (90% of her "old" friends upset with her),
she is zoned out on screens most of the day (even when driving on highway with car full of family asking her to stop..30secs later she is on screen again)
i love her
realized our regular fights are about her ADHD symptoms.
she will not participate in any ADHD research or exercises i suggest. though she is going to therapy, not sure if ADHD is discussed or admitted.
i have to make peace with liklihood nothing will change.
Well my advice is.. RUN!
Submitted by Jon on
Well my advice is.. RUN! Far and fast! No. I don't really mean that. Not exactly really. I'm the broken one in my relationship and there is no silver bullet. No easy fix. And as far as I can tell, no happily ever after, just constant work and maybe JUST maybe an understanding will develop. That said, even without ADHD in the mix life is challenging, complex and hectic. Spend some time reading books and this site. But remember this site is full of busted people at the end of their tethers hating on their spouses and expunging all their years of pent up angst, I do say that in the nicest possible way, so it does pay to take it all with a gain of salt. The happy endings so to speak don't end up here all that often because they are out there living and loving life.
DON'T allow ADHD to define either you OR your other half and well get a hobby for all those times your partner will be irretrievable hyper focused on something. And practice being kind to one another in both thought and deed.
That's all I got at the moment.