The situation (somewhat simplified version) is as follows.
I have heard my wife (ADD) say that she needs me (non-ADD) to say affirming things more often and criticize her less often. I think I am criticizing her less and saying affirming things more. I hear her saying that it is not enough, that she needs me to say affirming things even more often and criticize even less often.
I have told my wife that I would like her to do more "little acts of kindness" without me having to ask. I think she has heard me and I know she sometimes does them. But I still feel like she doesn't do them enough. I need her to do them even more often.
I have also said it really bothers me when she snaps at me or yells at me in response to a statement I make or a question I ask. I think she has heard me and is trying to not to do it as often, but it is not enough. I need her to do it even less.
And it feels to me like we are in a vicious cycle. It's difficult for me to say loving things to her when I don't feel her doing loving things for me or when she snaps and yells at me, and it's difficult for her to not to snap and yell at me or do loving things for me when I am criticizing her and not saying loving things to her.
We both seem to KNOW what the other wants/needs, but we are having difficulty doing enough of what the other needs and letting go of (or focusing less on) what WE want/need.
Also, I often feel like I am doing all the work, and my guess is that she feels that SHE is doing all the work. Which of course, just makes matters worse.
We have just gotten the book "The Five Love Languages" (probably not the correct title) because we KNOW we have different expectations/needs when it comes to expressions of love. And that we both tend to express love more in the way WE need to experience it than in the way the other needs to experience it. But I'm not sure how much it will help because the problem we are having is more in doing what the other needs/wants, not in knowing what theother needs/wants.
We both acknowledge that things are not good between us right now. We both want them to be better. We both believe they can be better. And we are both willing to work on this.
The problem as I see it at this point is that we are both feeling very emotionally "beat up" right now and don't quite know how to "step out" of this vicious cycle we are in and "start fresh."
The difficulty with "starting fresh"
Submitted by Aspen on
is that your feelings are based on the way you have interacted together for years. In the beginning when it was actually fresh you didn't have a history of feeling your needs weren't being met in the relationship and neither did she. Loving feelings are easy to come by then, and a bit harder after years of negatives have built up if you don't consciously focus on the positives. I feel all you can do as far as "starting fresh" is that once something (regardless of how irritating it was) has now been handled & resolved that you take it off the table as far as being mentioned in the future.
I know my husband and I experienced a year just before his diagnosis where we both felt there was always something one was irritated about or feeling criticised about (he felt I was always irritated at him since he is the ADD partner in our relationship and he seemed to take everything as a criticism whether it was meant that way or not.) Sometimes I would be thanking him for something or expressing appreciation for something, and he would add a kind of irritated "but??" at the end of my statement which he felt was just his response to always feeling like there was a negative coming and it made me feel like "oh so you want to hear what isn't right today, well I can tell you a load of them if you are going to have that attitude".
Him getting a diagnosis was a direct result of us both feeling like we couldn't stand feeling negatively toward eachother like that...it was just too depressing. We have tried the "starting fresh" as I discussed it above in the sense that what is old and handled is actually forgiven and forgotten, BUT unfortunately some of those thngs do get mentioned again as *evidence* when he is denying a behavior that I am trying to make him aware of. This is not ideal and I'd love to never do it, but what do you do when he is saying "I don't do that...what do you mean?" I feel like I have to reach back into what he calls my *vault-like memory* and give him examples. Otherwise I try hard not to bring up things once they are handled and that behavior is not being repeated.
What I can state categorically is that it does wonders to discuss together the postives in your relationship. To mention them out loud to eachother & to express genuine appreciation for the things your mate does for you. I know my husband actually is way more supportive and genuinely wants what is best for me in a way that most of my friends (who do not have husbands forgetting things right and left) never experience with their *normal* husbands. Yes my husband falls down at times while trying to get everything done, but he is actually taking on more than most. He is cooking dinner tonight while I lay on the couch and watch a movie with the niece I am babysitting because I had a hard day at work...some people never experience that ever :( What I am learning more and more is that even though it is our regular routine that whoever is less tired cooks, that doesn't mean the person doing the work shouldn't receive genuine appreciation for stepping up and helping. The more I recognize him for his help the more I notice that he reciprocates.
I notice with my husband in particular that he really follows my lead....drives me crazy sometimes when i want him to step up and lead more....but if I want a change in his attitude, all it generally takes in a change in mine toward him. He follows along much more quickly than I do since he always thinks *best case scenario* and switches over to postive thinking in the blink of an eye when things are looking up. Also I highly recommend that 30 minutes a day for 30 days workbook in the new Hallowell book. He sent it to us last October during the Ad/hd conference and we both really loved it :)
I have a memory like a trap
Submitted by Clarity on
That's what he says anyway. It would be easier for me to start fresh if we didn't have to repeat so many thing over and over and over... believe me, I don't want to reiterate but how else do you handle it? Really, it's like starting fresh everyday! There just seems to be too much water under the bridge sometimes. How do you get over that?
so are the dishes
Submitted by arwen on
I find it helps to think of all that repetition as just another maintenance task. I have to cook dinner every day. I have to wash dishes every day. I have to walk the dog every day. And I have to repeat things to my husband every day. I don't find washing the dishes or walking the dog annoying, I've accepted that I'm stuck with them. Same with the repetitions to my ADDer.
perception
Submitted by brendab on
Arwen,
Examples like this are what is so helpful on this site. It is wise and practical to tweak our perceptions and therefore our reactions. It would not be easy to implement an attitude adjustment like you've suggested, but we really need to consider the rewards of doing so. So simple but so profound.
brenda
That is a simple way to look
Submitted by Clarity on
That is a simple way to look at it and a bit more difficult to activate and then maintain. I find that these kind of alterations in my behavior towards my ADD spouse affect my thoughts and behaviors with others. It's like having to be in or out of ADD mode. There's that transition that I don't always make and find myself catching everyone's ADD moments. It's a lot of work! You probably had to train yourself to stay calm. After accepting the fact that you're not being heard and understand that you can't take it personally. Even though I can do it at times, other times (maybe I'm grumpy!) I'm frustrated. Dinner, dishes and the dog are more reliable anyway!
Thanks Arwen! I must say I like the new cartoon you!
i did have to train myself
Submitted by arwen on
You are right that I had to train myself to be calm -- definitely not my nature, I still struggle with it sometimes. I've also experienced what you are talking about with being in or out of "ADD mode", that is, turning on or off the behaviors I use in dealing with ADD -- I don't always make the transitions either, and it is a lot of work (but as with everything, it has gotten easier with time).
I have to given credit to Nettie for the motivation behind my "cartoon" icon -- until she put her picture on, I'd forgotten we could have a picture with our posts. I realized it made her seem much more of a real person as I read her posts. But I didn't have any good photo of me to use -- I'm afraid I'm camera-shy because I'm overweight -- so I created a Yahoo avatar that approximates my appearance well enough. Glad you like it!
"It matters not what someone is born, but what they grow to be." Albus Dumbledore
User Pic
Submitted by Nettie on
Yikes, I took off my photo before I read your comment; my action wasn't related to your comment. I was feeling low because I got in trouble yesterday with my mouth. Then, I questioned other things I've said and written (maybe trying to find something I could control since it was too late to fix yesterday's mistake).
I wanted to erase a comment on this forum and couldn't, so by removing my pic I was trying to have some control but also trying to sink into the background.
I guess I'll put it back now that I've said all that!
Sorry, blinking red lights and arrows sometimes needed
Submitted by Nettie on
"I have told my wife that I would like her to do more 'little acts of kindness' ***without me having to ask"*** (emphasis added).
I'm sorry, I know it is nicer not to have to ask for something because it seems more genuine, but with some ADHD people (like my DH), you may have to ask directly, repeatedly. My poor husband finally just begged, "please just tell me what to do." He doesn't "get" subtleness or body language or most social situations.
Fortunately for me, my "love language" is touch, so I can just snuggle up to him. Yours is more difficult. DH's is "time together," and because I'm also ADHD, I have to use visual cues, like leaving the Scrabble game on the table (we need non-electronic activities) so I remember to ask myself if I've made the effort.
Getting in the habit of reading this forum also reminds me as I read about all the distress we ADHDers cause :(
What works for your wife in other situations? Maybe you can adjust the method for this need.
distress
Submitted by brendab on
Nettie,
Your posts are some of the best I read here. Your comment "as I read about all the distress we ADHDers cause :(" made me stop and think about the distress we nonADDers cause.
brenda