"If a problem has no solution, it may not be a problem, but a fact - not to be solved, but to be coped with over time."
- Shimon Peres (1923 - ), 9th President of the State of Israel
This statement really rang true for me. Men in general are problem solvers. We want to fix. Sometimes there is no solution because there is no problem. Gravity can be perceived as a problem but it is actually a fact that is valued and depended upon. Modern science has allowed us to cope with it over time. I have come to view ADD the same way. Your spouses different way of thinking, being labeled as ADD, is a fact as firm as gravity. It is not to be solved but instead coped with and in many cases valued and depended upon. Color blindness is considered a deficiency in sight and yet it is the color blind person that can see through the camouflage. Have you ever noticed that the ADD Spouse can look at a drawer full of disorganized junk and find the the exact tool or part they needed. They live with that every day so to them that is nothing exceptional. I find that amazing. Like a super power. We must remember they are coping with our world as we are to theirs. When we look for and share the exceptional of each world as a team we stop criticizing the differences.
I love her so
Wow
Submitted by bb2000 on
Wish my soon to be ex was as accepting as you. :) That has not been the case, and in fact said I was a ROOMATE, and that he thought we needed to see someone who "deals with ADHD". Like its all my fault. Never took the time to understand it, until he did a "little " research once our daughter was diagnosed. :( I told him that I hoped he didn't give up her like he gave up on me. Mean to say at the time, but I was hurt, and felt betrayed (emotional affair-in my mind thousands of minutes with a single woman on the phone is just that). So, I am moving on. Hoping that one day I will find someone accepting of who I am, not what they think I should be. :)Thank you for your kind words, and it really does help both ADHD-ers, and non- ADHD-ers, in my opinion. :)
There are bad days too
Submitted by Mr New Hope on
Who has your back when you
Submitted by barneyarff on
Who has your back when you screw up? Boy, do I get that. I feel the same way. I AM the BACK. But when I screw up (and I do) no one is there. i must simply pick myself up and fix it myself.
I was thinking about that this morning. it's a very small and simple thing but when my husband uses the can opener, about 75% of the time he leaves the lid on opener. So, when I'm cooking, I'm usually making a meal or sometimes multiple meals and I'm working in a rhythm, etc. so, I go to open a can and, whoops there is a mess there. If it was only sometimes, I'd just roll my eyes but it is a constant thing and has been that way over many years. So, how do I manage it? According to the "rules" I should just leave it alone and let my DH figure it out next time he uses the can opener however what do I do in the meantime? It's not just the can opener of course, it's all the number of things, everywhere. It causes chaos. And yes, I, too, put pieces together everyday that DH has just let dangle. And, of course, if I just leave it I'm told I'm vindictive because I don't just fix the problem. the difference to DH is that he doesn't do any of his stuff "on purpose" and I don't pick up a mess I see "on purpose" and that makes me the bad guy. I just can't win. I've said this many times hear. If I pick up the mess, the experts say I'm enabling. If I don't pick up the mess, then my family has chaos (or the water gets turned off), if I yell at DH to pick up his mess, then I'm parenting. I don't see where I have any way out. ALL of my actions are perceieved as bad. And I rarely here any expert say much about the ADHD messes except "get counseling and take your pills". Just once I'd like to here an "Expert" say to the ADDer "Do you have any idea how annoying that behavior is? Stop it!" Of course that won't happen.
getting them to see it
Submitted by Mr New Hope on
"...how they unconsciously
Submitted by jackrungh on
"...how they unconsciously pollute their environment with the multitude of little undone things."
That's a 13 word comprehensive description of ADD, inattentive. Each thing is relatively minor, so we cannot see the sum, which amounts to death by a thousand cuts for the non-ADHD spouse.
I never thought of it that way
Submitted by Mr New Hope on
Mr New Hope. What do you love
Submitted by jennalemon on
Mr New Hope. What do you love about her so?
Why I love her so
Submitted by Mr New Hope on
First of all thank you for asking me that question. This will help keep me in balance. Let me count the ways. She is so beautiful. She has perfect skin. She is so forgiving. She never holds a grudge. She tries so hard. She works hard. God knows why but she loves me. She is not a big spender. She loves our kids a lot. She trusts me. She will never leave me or be unfaithful. She has an intuition about people that is usually right. No matter how mad we get at each other she will always hug me.
Thanks again!!! when I get caught up in the bad days I will focus more on why I love her so. Marriage is a lesson learned over a life time.
My wife is resilient. Her
Submitted by jackrungh on
My wife is resilient. Her physical pain tolerance is insane(three totally natural births, two of them at home), as is her tolerance for stress and emotional pain. Our fights are never after one misstep on my part. It takes a few usually combined with some well-timed stressful separate event to bring her over the boiling point. I firmly believe that if we didn't have two autistic children, weren't in limbo searching for a house, trying to get every therapy we can for the kids, and homeschooling that my ADHD foibles would be well within her tolerances. For sure they would still be worth addressing, because certain things like the parent-child dynamic can poison a marriage without fights, but her nature is to just suck it up and keep moving forward. In that sense our crazy life did us a favor by forcing the issue.
I think coming from royalty(wealth) certainly enables the ADHD nature. More 2nd chances, more opportunities, shielding from the world at least until young adulthood, etc. The executive function issues common to ADHD are(were) very common in CEOs and leaders(kings). They fly high, gamble hard, get things done in blazes of glory, make massive amounts of money, and often fail in huge and catastrophic ways.
royalty
Submitted by Mr New Hope on
Our lives our crazy too. Home school, family business, ADD kids. I wish I could put my wife in a position of CEO or well paid artists, writer, singer. Maybe I will see what activities make her feel like a CEO. Maybe her own cooking show for busy MOMs. Meals for 7 in 30 mins. She loves fashion. She knows how to put outfits together. She loves shopping at the next-to -new stores. Every one thinks she spends big dollars on clothes. HAHA !! The savings lets us go on vacation.
Amazing Women
Submitted by jackrungh on
Actually my wife is the same way. She shops at goodwill regularly, and finds the diamonds in the rough. She's always coming home with high-end brand and boutique clothes for the kids. Last week she came home with a very intricate $3 dress for E that still had the tag for $47.00 on it. I don't know of anyone with more stylishly dressed children, and for our neighborhood/social circle, we are relatively poor.
We're planning to take the kids to Disney in Dec, and her frugality makes that possible.