As I read the posts of women that are frustrated, tired, and angry at having to deal with their ADHD spouse I am left wondering. Is it really ADHD that causes these things? Could it be just personality traits? Is the ADHD a diagnosis that allows the affected individual to not take responsibility for their actions?
Do women who do NOT have ADHD spouses experience the same frustrations that those of us with effected spouses do? I would say yes. How much then is due to the dx and how much is due to other factors?
Just a few days ago, I told my husband how tired I was. I asked him why I am always the one to take responsiblitiy for everything? Why do I feel so burdened and weary and why do I feel like the only adult in the relationship?
I see that some of you have found ways of coping. Ways of working around the issues, but it seems ... indulgent to me. It is not as if my husband has a mental deficit. He is intelligent and capable. I cannot fathom why he does not want to nurture and care for his family by providing an income. He must want that. . . so what keeps him from doing it? he was diagnosed with adhd and depression both. He is not under treatment for either one. He says that the medications make him not feel himself and he does not trust therapists.
I would appreciate imput on this. Do you really believe it is the adhd that causes the symptoms?
I do, but...
Submitted by Sparkle on
... my inexperienced opinion here is that they have a choice in how they address the issues. I know, I can see that there is something very real and very different about the ADD way of thinking. That is real and valid. But once they know that this is their way of thinking, and that their way of thinking causes more stress in a relationship than other ways of processing information, then I do feel they have the responsibility to try to mitigate some of that stress. In whatever way they are able to.
I do believe the ADD causes a lot of similar issues in relationships. I've seen my partner on medication and off, and I can see a huge difference, so I know it's not fake, or an excuse.
I'm new to this. But I do believe that if I am going to make an effort to try to see things the way my partner does and to create a relationship in which his strengths can shine and his weaknesses can be buffered, then he should go out of his way as well to create a relationship in which I can be my best "me", too.
Exactly
Submitted by BreadBaker on
That sums it up well. That's a very good way of looking at the situation.
Seems like it
Submitted by Clarity on
the medication makes a big difference and I've come to understand that his mind works in ways that seems illogical to me. I am unable to anticipate his thoughts and actions because there is very little consistency. It would be more helpful if he was willing and able to follow through on his intention to make an effort. Meanwhile, I consistently make the effort and clean up after his good intentions without complaint. I feel like the valiant warrior and he gets to be the court jester.
Being willing to learn new thought patterns or effective habits would help if applied consistently enough to make a positive impact. I'm guessing here as my husband will take his medication but won't see someone just to talk. I'm assuming that is because he is one to tell me what I want to hear, as in a display of his good intentions but he knows he will not follow through. So, does he say it just to get me off his back, make me feel better, make himself look good or all of the above? Either way it is just talk if he can't follow up.
In the beginning I thought it was his personality but after years of confusion and lots of research it dawned on me that my sister has the same "personality" as my husband and as a matter of fact my dad did too. It was an overwhelming realization, thinking that my life has been so influenced by untreated ADD. Only my husband has been officially diagnosed and I'm no professional but I know many of these behaviors or symptoms only too well. All three have different personalities but share many behaviors. There is definitely something going on with the way they understand what we think is logical. I wish things were different.
Hmm good answers...
Submitted by Tired Silly on
I just wondered because it seems that many women feel burnt out and feel like they are the adult in the relationship. My biggest tag for my husband has always been "selfish". It seems that he thinks of himself first, with little spurts of putting me first interspersed. He is great on the big projects (which create a TON of little mess that I am left to clean up), but the little things are not noticed by him.
My husband is my best friend. I love him so much.
I guess, just like everyone else here, I just feel ..... tired. I was shocked when I found this message board. Amazed that other women felt the same. I guess it just feels like I take care of everything, even if that is not the whole truth.
It has been a constant in our arguments. He says that it is that way because I want it that way. He says I am a control freak, and that if I am not controlling everything, I am not happy. I explain, "but I am not happy with this!"
I feel like I have been handed the "control" out of default, and if I stop for a second, we'll be without food, power, a home etc.
Sigh.
Yep, that's the rest of us, too
Submitted by BreadBaker on
We should invent a "me, too" symbol for this board. ;)
I got the "you're a control freak" and "you're a neat freak" spiel from my husband, too. I will admit that I *am* a neat freak, but only about my own personal work space. I didn't care if he raised baboons in his parts of the house, as long as they didn't crawl all over where I needed to work. The common areas just needed to be kept to a dull roar, with tabletops kept clear for the purposes of eating and working when more space for either one of us was required. And if my dust allergies acted up (his did, too, but he had this ability to "block out" his own sniffling and sneezing, or blame it one something else) or mildew or funny smells started growing, it was time to clean.
I must admit that this is one thing that is a plus about him not being here--the house gets clean and stays clean for a while. When something is taken out for use, it's put back in its proper place. If something is broken, it gets fixed. If something is rotten, it gets tossed. If something needs watering, it gets watered. Etc. It's wonderful to be able to organize a space and watch it *stay* that way for a while instead of getting scrambled in a couple of days.
wonderful !
Submitted by Clarity on
I'm so envious... Really, it's like you have a sense of order? "If something is broken, it gets fixed. If something is rotten, it gets tossed. If something needs watering, it gets watered. Etc. It's wonderful..." I guess little stuff stays little and big stuff gets taken care of... Just think of all the things you could actually accomplish! You might even experience a sense of momentum... you could actually work towards a goal! I think it must be fantastic!
Getting there . . .
Submitted by BreadBaker on
I feel as though I'm just barely on top of things now--and finally making progress on my life--but it took many months of separation. It's wonderful to have an organized life again! That's not to say that I don't miss my husband. I do miss him, but I can't justify being emotionally invested in someone to whom I'm not even worth seeking proper therapy. I'm not the "give up and die" type, and I know I deserve better--at the very least, a husband who can be honest with me and the rest of the world, and make a real effort. So, onwards and upwards.
It's odd missing him
Submitted by Clarity on
I've felt that at times only to quickly be reminded why I like him further away... Maybe I miss the fantasy of us having an ordinary conversation in a normal relationship. It's sad but there is only so much we can do or take anymore. If I had an opportunity to just visit now and then I'd take it.
I hope things keep getting better and better for you... (:
As a woman with ADHD I can
Submitted by ladyflower10 on
As a woman with ADHD I can honestly say I wish ADHD didn't exhist. I can only imagine how much easier my life and my familys life would be if I was "normal." For years my husband and I fought as he struggled to understand me and my undiagnosed ADHD. As a police officer my husbands career depends on him understanding how the human mind works, to anticipate what a person is thinking, how they will respond, what they will do next. As he told me I am the exception to the rule. He could never predict what I would do or say because I didn't think like a normal person! I was random, sporatic, unconventional. It was only after being diagnosed and doing some of his own research into understanding ADHD that he finally understood the different way my mind worked. I do have to say that he has gotten a lot better at understanding how I think and act now! I still do ramdon things that he doens't anticipate, but at least now he understands why I do these random things.
You have to remember though that no two ADHD people are going to be exactly alike, just like no two "normal" people are going to be exactly alike. I'm fortunate that I've done so well for myself and I contribute that a LOT to other people "pushing" me to do things. My father pushed me to go to college, my husband pushed me to graduate. I'm certain that without those pushes that I would never have graduated. I've had the same job for the past 6+ years. I do it because I have to. Just because I have ADHD doesn't mean I'm going to put all the responsibility on my husband to work. I do think the ADHD person has to find the right type of job and they can keep a job if they really want to.
If your huband isn't getting treatment for his depression and ADHD then it's because he doesn't want to. If he's claiming the medication doesn't make him feel "himself" then tell him to try a different type of medication. There isn't one cure all ADHD drug - there are many. I've tried quite a few myself until I settled on Adderall because I had the best results. His doctor will work with him to find what works best. As for the depression I can't comment as it's not an issue for me. But, I do think your husband needs to address at least one of his problems and work on one at a time. I also wanted to comment that right now I am not taking my medication since I'm pregnant and my husband notices a huge difference in me. Apparently I'm much more argumentitive! We fight a lot more when I'm off my meds.
I think one way to help you
Submitted by Elisabeth on
I think one way to help you to understand how ADD/ADHD affects a person is to know a little bit of science/biology/anatomy behind it. ADD/ADHD affects the frontal cortex of the brain - the area where logic is processed. It is almost like the "pistons" of that part of the brain have trouble firing and connecting the brain's messages. When medicated, the brain is able to fire up and work and join the dots as it does in those who do not have ADD/ADHD.
I too used to think "Why would he logically think/act/say that?" of my ADD-husband but then once I understood and got my head around how ADD/ADHD affects the brain, it all made sense to me. When you think about it, there is some element of logic in everything we do. For instance, you walk in a room, turn the light on. You leave the room, so logically you turn the light off too. It doesn't mean I still don't get frustrated but it does mean I am able to understand why he hasn't noticed his clothes are on inside out or why he has left the house with all the lights on. And it means we can laugh about it a little more together.
I hope this helps,
Elisabeth.