soo finally posting after reading lots and lots of posts :) sleeping out on the couch tonight due to a massive fight I've had with my adhd partner. I just don't know what to do anymore. I've been with him for 4 years, engaged and have a 6 month old baby. When we first got together it was a joke that he was always loosing everything but after 4 years it's just not funny. He hasn't been on medication and has got his appt to sort it out in another 4 weeks, mind you I have been asking him to sort it out for the last 2 years.
anyway, i feel like he has sucked the life out of me. All I seem to do is nag and it's making me miserable. He works long hours and usually 6 days a week so I am more than happy to do the housework, cook etc. all I ask him to do is take his dirty shoes and socks off before he walks in and have a shower. He does roadworks so he comes in black! Every day it's a struggle. He'll come straight in, pick up our girl so al her clothes are filthy, put his dirty feet on the lounge and play with his phone. After dinner he'll go and lay in bed, still dirty and stinking from work. When I ask him to have a shower it's world war 3. He doesn't smell, why should he have to, I'm so lazy because I'm a stay at home mum. I've gotten so sick of arguing about it, I'll sleep on the couch if he doesn't. Oh and his reason for not having a showe is because I won't have sex with him anyway!
That is also one of or big issues. It's not that I don't want sex but he doesn't realise his actions stay with me longer than it does him. Everything builds up. For eg. He needs his phone for work. I used to lay all his clothes out, pt his phone on charge, get his wallet and keys and put them all together, wait for his phone to charge then put it on the night stand. I felt ridiculous doing this but I was sick of copping the abuse. I stopped doing this becausewhen he wasn't working and couldn't find his keys, or left his wallet at home while we were out, it was my fault because I move all his things. Can't win! At least once a week k get a phone call off him expecting me to drop everything and drive an hour to where he is and back with drinks because he's forgotten his Wallet, or can't find his car key so have to bring him his spare. If I can't do it, well I'm a lazy bitch that does nothing but expects everything.
I don't know why it's so hard to shut a screen door, turn the light off when you leave for work in the morning, not leave the key on the car door for someone to steal out car, lock the house when we leave. It's just non stop every day yet I the ungrateful bitch who is using him for his money. I don't want to nag and complain, I want a happy relationship where we can go out for dinner and my partner doesn't sit on his phone the whole time watching videos on Facebook. I am ready to throw in the towel. I've been holding out for his medication but I'm so scared that it might not do anything. I love him but the bitterness and the resentment is overpowering. Will it ever get better???! Have I just wasted 4 years of my life ??? I feel broken. I told him that tonight and his response was to blame everything on me. I want even trying to blame him i just wanted him to know how I was feeing
Please don't get me wrong, he
Submitted by Sally_87 on
Please don't get me wrong, he loves me, kisses me every morning and night, and he does mean well. I think he has severe adhd because he has all the problems associated with it. It's when he snaps that I can't handle. I've been called every name under the sun, he pulled the hand brake up while I was driving with the baby in the car in a middle of an arguament. It's this stuff that kills me. It stays with me for ages but he can snap his fingers and acts like nothing happened. I've asked him to go back to his mothers until his appointment to give outselves a break but he'd rather just pretend there's nothing wrong. I also feel like he go and sleep with someone because he's so angry and if he did that I would never be able to work it out with him.
Hi Sally 87...
Submitted by c ur self on
Your story is common and very familiar....
I am very familiar with the actions you've stated in ur posts....That life style took many years to develop, and it will be hard to bring light to it by nagging, complaining and starting arguments....He is who he is and evidently he likes it like that.....
Behaviors like coming home from work filthy or after you've worked around body fluids all day and pile up on the beds or furniture with no thoughts of what germs you may be transporting to your family....Then If you mention your displeasure, no matter how kind much of the time, you only get excuses and denial and accusations thrown at you about being a nag etc...The bathing every two or three days...That's common also for many people. I've seen things change in this area. I'm sure I handled it wrong in the beginning....But how do you tell your wife...She smells in a nice way? "Your hair smells sour" didn't work great...
I would make a him a hand written, or typed list conveying your feelings about the things that are unacceptable.....Its very hard to do it verbally without arguments and denial popping up and ending any hopes of accomplishing any constructive communications.
Just put on there the things that or show stoppers for you....You can't make him change, but, you can stand your ground....Or find new ground...
Just remember the old saying: never keep doing the same ole things and expecting different results....
Thanks for your reply. The
Submitted by Sally_87 on
Thanks for your reply. The next day after our massive fight he called me a few times as if nothing happened. He was so suprised to learn that I was still upset. Of course I'm still upset, the night before I was a slut because when I went on holidays when j was 21, years before I met him I had sex with people. I don't understand why he brings this up all the time especially because at the same age he got a girl pregnant who he wasn't even with. It makes me so mad.
We did have a good talk when he got home, and he really doesn't understand where I'm coming from. He thinks because he leaves doors open that's why we're having problems. I told him he gets very nasty when we fight and he needs to start being an adult. He thinks that I put no effort into the relationship because he always initiates sex. I came straight out and told him its because I don't want to anymore because of his angry outbursts. I even told him that if the medication doesn't do anything I will probably leave.
He has this mindset that if he puts his dirty clothes in he laundry basket he is doing all the housework and I'm doing nothing. I don't know how to explain to him that I do everything, al he has to do is pick up after himself. It's the same with out baby. When he's home and I'm cooking dinner or something he will be holding her but I will still change her or get her a bottle or put her to sleep. When hes arguing with me about being a stay at home mum Hell say it's not hard I look after her all the time at night and you don't have to do anything. Omg it's because I do it all for you!!!!
Far far out I really hope this is not the rest of my life
I will address some of this if its OK....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife and I could have written your post just a couple of years ago. My heart hurts for you and him in every sentence I read. First you two are engaging each other verbally with loads of expectations for the other. And the way your mind works and the way his mind works isn't anything remotely similar....So he is reflecting your emotions (you're feeding off each others) ....When you feel stressed and overwhelmed by needs of the baby and meal times and it all starts piling up on you. He isn't seeing it like you're feeling it....This next statement is very important:....The slut comments is his way of lashing out in anger. He is trying to hurt you with anything he can grab onto...All he feels is attacked and he is fighting back. When he turns to this type desperation he is out of control, he is basically not thinking but running on pure adrenalin. It's very dangerous and this is when abuse gets shared in seconds. Then when he cools off and comes back to himself it is very possible he does not remember much of what he said the next day. And if he does, he will regret it and try and block it out and act like it didn't even happen.
Words are destructive! You cannot have a highly charged emotional atmosphere and puke this crap onto one another and expect to have a peaceful and loving relationship. Until you two find acceptance instead of all these expectations I don't see a lot improvements on the horizon.
Your threat of "if the meds don't work your may leave", Your refusal to initiate intercourse and just your mind toward him should tell you something?? It is sure telling his heart something! he is unfit, beneath you and needs drugs to be accepted and loved...Oh you didn't know?...Come on now we all have feelings, don't let your view of life blind you to the feelings of others like I did:(
I suggest you two get some counseling, you are way to far apart in realities to share them yourselves....It will always end bad until you start trying to understand each other and quit trying to change and manipulate one another into being someone they are not....
After months of counseling and months of separation I had to come to all these realities....My wife may or may not be happy with what ADD does to her thinking....But it's a mute point because it is what it is...I had to accept that and quit letting her living of life, her denial be mine...It's not mine...I've got enough of my own stuff;)....I have to focus on our blessings and just love her. I'm not her father or mother but, I am her husband and she deserves love and acceptance or I need to leave.
We're still very different.....I'm a list guy, she's a free flyer, I like things orderly, she would live in shit hole, I try to be on time to church and functions, she seems to have no or little convictions that keeps her from walking in when things are half over. I went to work most day's early for 37 years. She runs to the time clock most days. She struggles to go to sleep, and struggles to wake up. I'm sound a sleep in 3 minutes (pisses her off) if I'm at peace in my mind and spirit most nights....On and on....You and your boyfriend will never be a like, so you might as well accept that, nor will ever have the same reality....My wife believe's the same things your husband believes....She believes she does her share when in reality she may do 10% of the house work...I've never saw her in 7 years with a broom or vacuum in her hand....She struggles so hard to throw anything away it's unbelievable:).....If I focused on what I know about her vs just loving her like she is....And that works both ways!....Than Satan would own us....
You may need to make some decisions for your future without the emotional baggage of making knee jerk reactions to your boy friends living of life (it's who he is)....Just be accountable to yourself no matter if you go or stay, find that peaceful place that comes in not seeking to change others, A place of rest, with him or without him..
Our heavenly Father loves you and your boyfriend with the full force of his love....Maybe things can different for you two....I will pray for you!
Thank you for your reply. I
Submitted by Sally_87 on
Thank you for your reply. I definitely do agree we need counselling, I have been talking about it for quite some time but I want him to want it as well. I don't see much point if he's not interested. When I say I will leave him if the meds don't work, it's more for him to realise how bad our situation is. I love him with all my heart but there's the voices in my head saying I don't deserve this. We used to be the couple that everyone wanted to be.
i feel like I want to wait untol he gets on some meds before I book some counselling. Only because I'm hoping his head might be a bit clearer. I think it would be great for someone to tell me how to do things differently.
Inappreciate your reply and I have read it over and over. Thank you
Just be smart....
Submitted by c ur self on
Just remember no one controls another person!
So if he isn't open to working on the relationship you need to accept his realities because you don't want to ever start mothering and trying to force another adult to care about things in the way you think it should be....You may need to question yourself, what is truly important for your future? Am I pleasing the creator who love's me with what I'm doing with my life?
Be strong, seek wisdom...Let anything that causes you to be forced into a life of chaos and void of peace be a Red flag for you!....Do not allow yourself to explain it away or make excuses for it....Walk away from foolish behaviors, do not engage denial and grow bitter and angry like I did...
Blessings Sally:)
Most of your post I could
Submitted by blackberry on
Most of your post I could agree with totally. I've been married for quite a few years now, two kids and I struggle with this every day. Even a normal conversation turns deadly because of the inability to speak clearly and understand each other. If I ask a question I am attacking...everything is taken the wrong way. It's exhausting. And he's even on meds - so without meds - I can't imagine. He needs to take it seriously and accept his diagnosis and get help. Both medical and behavioral and counseling to help you two to even have a chance. I consider leaving all the time, but it's because my husband just pops a pill and thinks that is enough. And like you said, his reality is so different than mine. If he says "hello" to the kids, he considers that spending time with them, whereas I look at that and just feel sad that he is so disconnected with no clue. If he refuses to get help, I would say you would be better off leaving. You are not married yet, it will be easier now than after youre married. If he is demeaning to you and put you and your baby in danger (with the car brake thing) it shows he is lacking control of his actions and unable to see consequences. You may need to make him see that there are consequences, and you won't live like this forever.
I agree w/ blackberry....
Submitted by c ur self on
The reason I did not say what she said about your BF needing to take it seriously, is because he wasn't here asking what to do....And you have no control over anyone but yourself. It's a very unwise person who thinks they can change another individual.
Also, In my opinion much of the time we're hunting and excuse for people when we blame having a fast mind on the fruit we see flowing out of their lifestyle.....Sadly I think it's just as much a heart issue as it is a head issue much of the time.
Your Single...Does Blackberry's reality not tell you anything?
Very true...we can't control
Submitted by blackberry on
Very true...we can't control anyone but ourselves, and if nothing ever changed, could you continue this life or adjust your behavior/expectations/response? I tell myself to do that every day...every day I say I will respond better when he disappears without telling me where he's going...I will not get frustrated when he doesn't pay attention to the kids when he comes home from work...or I won't get mad when once again he gets in trouble at work for making mistakes. It's really hard, and most of the time I fail because I can't put myself in the shoes of a person with an ADHD brain. That being said, he is open to help and treatments and medication, he just sometimes lacks focus to actually do it. So if your significant other is open to it then that's great, It's not a cure all but without treatment of some sort, it would be very difficult to make a life together.
I did that for a whole week.
Submitted by Sally_87 on
I did that for a whole week. Shut my mouth, didn't say anything when he did stuff he's not meant to do, and if I did I said it super nice. I'd just brand the rug inside that I cleaned outside and took 2 days to dry and he came home from work with his muddy boots on, and al I said was babe ur boots. He said all week why are you being so nice, and was mentioning how nice I was being. So it did make me think hmm maybe these are the things I'll have to accept about him. But then on the weekend he went out and I was to pick him up when he was ready to come home. He Was only 10 minutes from our house so no big deal. But then late in the night he calls me to say that he went to another pub which was 35 mins from our house and the guy who drove him there went home. I told him he would need to catch s cab home. Anyway the next morning I was upset because he didn't need to go to the other pub, he has already been out this week and this time was only meant to be a couple of drinks. He then tried to say He rang me to pick him up from the first pub but I wouldn't. Umm wth!! So because he stuffed up and went out later than he should, he tried to blame it on me. I told him he never asked me to come get him othereise I would have. So of course it ended in a massive arguament, which then lead to him calling me names. I'm now at my mums because I need him to realise I can't do name calling anymore.
im thinking about going to the Drs tomorrow and getting on anti depressants. If I didn't have a baby I probably would be single by now. I feel like there's still love for him deep down but at the same time I feel like a robot. I might even just book us in for counselling this week, he will go but what I worry about is that he thinks counsellors are bs so I don't know if he would take it seriously.
Sorry with all the spelling
Submitted by Sally_87 on
Sorry with all the spelling mistakes etc. I'm on my phone and it lags so it's to hard to re type so some of what I write doesn't make sense ;)
Sally don't let him drag you down!
Submitted by c ur self on
Your emotions are just on a string here, and he is playing the instrument.
You both have priority issues, you can't live and die (emotionally) every time he stays out to long or doesn't show up at all. (That is who he is, you've got to accept that and deal with it. You cannot change him) Sally having a child doesn't mean that you should set at home and endure this boy friend laying out and doing as he pleases....Then coming home to you and thinking it's OK....You are probably at the right place in my opinion....Life is way to short to be abused disrespected my someone who doesn't even know how to appreciate or love you the way you and the baby deserves to be loved...
I suggest you quit concerning yourself with what you can't do anything about, (him) and start making plans to be a single mom who gets up everyday thankful for the beautiful angel she does have that will need a strong loving responsible parent....The best thing you can do for him is leave him alone and move on....Maybe someday he will grow up, but, your wasting your life setting around emotionally distraught about someone who lives life like he wants to.
I will pray for you Sally....
I spose this is my place to
Submitted by Sally_87 on
I spose this is my place to vent. I don't see myself leaving him just yet but I am fully prepared in my head that I may be in the future. It doesn't scare me or worry me. I think if I tried to leave him now it would just be so messy. When I have tried to break up with him in the past he thinks everything WE own is his. Both the cars, all the furniture, all the savings so he would take everything and leave me with the clothes on my back.
i get that he works hard so I don't mind if he goes to the pub once a week or spends money on something he wants. It's just hard when he says you can spend whatever you want, yet if he looks at our regular bank account hell always question what I spend. I rarely ever spend money on myself because I feel like if I do it will be used against me. I've been on one night out since our baby was born and it was planned a month in advance. When the weekend came up he said he was going out as well and it was a fight because why couldn't I just go out on Wednesday night since I don't work. I did win that one, but it does stick in my head that I don't deserve to go out on the weekend.
i have worked for the past 14 years but because I've been at home for 7 months it's like I have no say in anything and I don't appreciate him working. with my benefits we have worked out that me going back to work full time and paying for child care I would be earning less so there's really no point. He knows this but he still likes to belittle me for not working. When we decided to have a baby I said straight from the start I want to stay at home.
im sorry to complain but it makes me feel so much better getting this off my chest. I don't really get much adult company so I don't really have people to talk to. my head is a mess with all the stuff I need to tell someone.