Hello all,
I've been really interested reading through all the threads on here - I had an absolute lightbulb moment a few weeks ago and realised that my husband (of 16 years) has adhd (as does his father who unfortunately I can't stand due to his really extreme version of symptoms). Soooo much now makes sense and although I kind of see it an explanation rather than an excuse I'm trying to learn to be more empathetic and understanding (rather than the rage I've felt for the last few years!!). One thing that does really wind me up is his attitude to people he meets, or even people in public life. He makes a fairly snap decision on someone, 99.99999% of the time negative, and often based on a throw away comment I've made about a friend of mine. It is then almost as if he latches on to that one fact and can never ever change his mind. His opinion always has to be the right one, my opinion has no bearing but it is as if he has to use a mental peg to categorise someone and that same fact will be trotted out every single time that person is mentioned, for literally 10 years and every single time it will reignite my annoyance. I always viewed it as a kind of mental 'laziness' as if he couldn't be bothered to actually think about someone and consider any changes or new facts and just skimmed the surface of his memory but now I'm thinking its a adhd trait and its almost a learned memory trick to remember people- do you think it is or is he really judgemental and mean?!
Lots o Negativity and Passivity
Submitted by Tired in Texas on
It may well be an ADHD trait. My wife is very negative about everying and has low energy and no real initiative. As typical though diagnosed, won't seek treatment or acknowledge that the ADHD is an issue--sees a lot of the ADHD is cool articles and now is a frustrated Richard Branson being held up by helping (not really) raising 3 kids...I digress, it does seem to be an ADHD trait. To be buzz kill, nothing you say or do will ultimately help, the meds wear off, the CBT will lose novelty, or you can resign to live with a low functioning adult who will get worse with age. Add in that life is becoming harder and well if you have no young kids my best advise is run and do not look back.
I feel you!
Submitted by Memphis Dreamer on
I don't have any helpful tips or anything, but I can confirm my partner does the EXACT same thing. To the point that I got chills reading your description. I often find myself hesitating to tell him any news about my friends or other casual stories about my day that involve another person simply because I don't want to listen to the toxic comments that are inevitably going to spew out of his mouth. Our very first fight came about as a result of us sitting in a reataurant and him going on and on about all the negative things he thought about a person sitting across the room that we had literally zero interaction with. It was unsettling and I had no idea where it was coming from. What's extra weird is that he actually is ridiculously caring and introspective when he actually interacts with people. If he ever has a bad interaction with another human, he often tortures himself for several days then goes out of his way to apologize and make sure they feel good about themselves after the fact...then two seconds later will be spewing venom at a random person walking down the street.
I think the habit is related to another thing he does where he gets one tiny speck of information about something, extrapolates all kinds of things from that one tiny speck, then incorporates all of those extrapolations into his understanding of that thing. He is a very intelligent person and often the extrapolations are correct or very close, but he clings onto them as if they are the absolute, infallible truth. I have found myself arguing with him about my own job because he is so convinced that one of his extrapolations is more correct than my actual experience with the thing. It can be extremely frustrating when you constantly feel that you have to back up everything you say with facts and evidence. It's exhausting.
Anyway, just thought it'd be helpful to know you're not alone. Going to follow this post in case anyone else out there has figured out how to deal with this without being constantly frustrated and/or on alert.
On point
Submitted by Giorgia on
So on point, this one is not so often discussed ADHD symptom, but I could sign everything you mentioned.
So often he would just hear a small comment on something or about someone and he would pick just a fractal, often the negative one and he would based then his whole opinion and impression on it. He would get very emotional about it and often angry. But he would not take a longer moment to actually really think about it and search for more information to have better idea about the topic. If I would suggest he seeks more info he was convinced he knows it very well. I would expect better from a person with such. High IQ. I would expect he would tend to collect some real data. But his opinion was not even based on intuition it felt more like he hears a sentence and he wants to get angry therefore he twists it in a such way so he can get angry or negative and have an opinion. It feels like he wants to be viewed as someone with an opinion no matter where the truth is. And then anyone who doesn't agree with him he sees as a bad person with no morals etc.
So weird.