Not sure where to start - I will have been married for 24 years this year and feel like my eyes have been opened and that my marriage has been a lie, nothing. I have poured everything I can into this and have nothing left - I am crushed and exhausted. 2 weeks ago he came home and said I think I have ADD - and after looking at the signs and googling he seems to tick virtually every box - I feel like the bottom has fallen out of my world.
My husband has always worked for himself and we have a business that has kept our heads just above the parapet for 20 years but he has never been able to push himself enough to raise us up a little bit higher he has always been too busy with the "day to days" as he puts it to look at the bigger picture. He is now 54 and 5 years ago the business failed due to bad debts - we managed to reinvent ourselves and keep going but we are coming to the end of the lease and I cannot keep going any more. He has been on courses and has great ideas but then does nothing with them, I have nagged, encouraged, cajouled, and begged. I am broken inside because I cannot see why he would not fight for us, why he does not want to make things better. All he looks at is what other people are doing / have got and is bitter and angry.
I have worked with him for the last 18 years while bringing up our children as well - I am looking at myself now and cannot believe that I always put myself second and did not see his lies and pretence for what they are. I found this site when I googled "is there hope in an ADD marriage" but at the moment I cannot see that there is. I cannot believe that I have just kept trying harder, blaming myself, working longer hours; I feel like I do everything and yet have nothing. Virtually no savings, no pension, a house with 10 years of mortgage left to pay and no idea of how to get out of this. I am not sure I can even stay married - to give away another 10 years of my life and end up in the same place. I always believed he was going to do the things that he said he would but I just don't believe in him anymore.
I ordered "Delivered from Distraction" - he read the screening test - and has done nothing since - I am reading it now. He does not want to get a diagnosis and does not seem to want to get help - he certainly won't take medication. I have been making him go for a walk every morning and am trying to improve his diet but it all feels a bit pointless. Another 2 week diet / phase / idea that he will not commit to. When I ask what he wants to do - what his dream is - he does not know - he says he cannot see the future and just asks me what I want to do.
Is there any hope? We are in the UK and I am struggling to find any UK support for adults or their partners.
Sorry to dump on you virtual people - but I haven't managed to get my head round this enough to speak to my friends about what is actually going on in our marriage.
Feel exhausted and exploited
Submitted by exhaustednonADHD on
I don't know if I can be anything other than negative about ADHD at the moment and I'm sorry but I'm so utterly exhausted and feel so very used that I may not offer much hope to anyone.
I have looked through this site, which I'm new to, and only after ending a relationship with someone. It was only AFTER the relationship ended that I finally had time and had recovered enough to research things that he'd said and done and realised I had been dealing with a full-blown case of ADHD for twenty odd years, without knowing that this was the case. I originally began researching alcoholism (he had a very bad binge drinking problem) and this led to finding a post that made a link between people with ADHD possible having a different dopamine response to alcohol. I then remembered the one and only time that his mother had mentioned that he had ADHD as a child - this was when she described him as "an absolute nightmare" and then, slowly and surely, his behaviour ticked every single box (and more) of all the symptoms of ADHD listed on various websites.
To cut a very long story short, I am seething with anger that my life has been all but ruined by this person's condition. I am so very angry that his parents knew that he had this condition but, when he was a child, had chosen not to get any help with it and never discussed it openly with him. He himself had no idea he had this condition BUT when I did finally explain my concerns to him, he adopted exactly the same attitude that his parents have always had, which is to deny that the problem exists at all. To be clear, he believes me and they have confirmed to him that he does have this condition, but he is in absolute denial about it.
I know as a young woman that I had exceptional patience with other people who are very difficult and effectively denied myself any life or any needs of my own. It's become clear that my role within my original family was as caregiver to every member of that family - mother was probably somewhere on the autism spectrum (undiagnosed during her lifetime but subsequently a counsellor raised this possibility when I described what she was like), my father was chronically physically ill from when I was 14 (something that caused him to 'disappear' in hospital and return as a different person in terms of physical appearance and character), my elder sister had a mental breakdown at 17 and, with everything that was going on, I (the middle sister) very often ended up looking after them all AND my younger sister as well. I was exceptionally bright at school and very talented as an artist - and I say this not for egotistical reasons but because, over the years, I can see that the energy and time that should have gone into prioritising this has been given, instead, to an infinitely demanding partner. I see so clearly now that my uprbringing, and the fact that I married and divorced very young, leaving me with a daughter to look after alone, meant that I initially gave and gave and gave, as a carer and also like mother to son, to this incredibly needy and selfish person. Over twenty years or so I have been bled dry, in every possible sense, and I am no longer anything like the person that I was. I'm forty-eight now and whilst I have the fragments of a good career (because I've worked myself to the bone) I know that, given a supportive partner without ADHD, I would be far in advance of where I am now. I am so very, very angry with his parents - with his mother in particular because after the age of 11 he was brought up only by her - for basically 'offloading' his care needs on to me, having done nothing to help him to help himself when he was growing up and actually encouraging this attitude of denial. I know she sensed that I would be his 'rock'. No one else in their right mind would possibly have stayed with this person, I know that I did so because of my upbringing and because I had extremely low self esteem after coming out of my marriage and being a single Mum. I can't bear to read any of the comments / advice on this site about how to give support to your ADHD partner, because all I can think of is "you have got to be kidding, this is a fools game". I've tolerated over two decades of explosive rage, violence, alchoholism (binge drinking), inability to communicate clearly, total disorganisation, total chaos, outright narcissism (and I know there's a post on this site defending ADHD's for not really being narcissistic but I don't agree, sorry), Oedipal complex and sociopathy. There is so very little concern given to those who end up as carers - whether wittingly or unwittingly - and so much sympathy for the ADHD diagnosed. My partner became the most socially manipulative person I know, charming the birds off the trees to get what he wants and to advance his career and with people on the outside having absolutely no idea of what he was like behind the scenes. For years and years I blamed myself, not knowing then that ADHD was at the root of his rage and alcoholism and (possibly) his untrustworthy behaviour, his utter lack of any sense of responsibility and his refusal to simply do his fair share of things - housework or the emotional work of addressing problems. I do think much more needs to be done to foster understanding that every ADHD diagnosed person will respond differently to the symptoms of that condition - some will manipulate this to their advantage (even if they don't know they have that diagnosis), whilst others will try really hard to work with a partner as a team - in my 'partner's' case he was not a partner at all, simply out for number one and has gotten by through charming his way into social situations and then copying other people. This was so extreme in the past that, every time he went out, he would come back like a copy of the person he'd just spent time with, to the extent that it almost felt i was with someone with multiple personality disorder; it was creepy and very weird and he still does it today. I feel so very used, because I was naive, back then, and so selfless in giving to others. All I've done is enabled a sociopathic narcissist and ruined my own life in the meantime and spoiled my daughter's upbringing, which she says has been really tarnished by him being violent towards me. I wish more than anything that his mother had spoken up earlier and come clean about his condition to him and to me, and that she had urged him to take responsibility for how this might affect others. As it is, his whole family is one of those families that just denies all problems and I gave up because I know he will NEVER look into how his ADHD is affecting everything. I don't know how I can move on from this. I've had my heart broken a thousand times over and am reluctant to care for anyone, even slightly, again, because caring is what led me to be used in this way.
New Beginning
Submitted by Delphine on
Yes, you've been through a lot of difficulties with your ex. You are well out of it. At 49 you are NOT old and now you have the chance to begin anew and leave the past behind, but you won't be able to do so as long as you are still dwelling on the past issues. You were with this man for a reason, and it is easy to see how you ended up with him, given your background.
I've been codependent myself, with my parents, my son's dad and my son, who recently moved out of the apartment to live with his girlfriend, after sharing with me four years. I love him dearly, but living with his ADHD traits was a challenge. Even though it is a relief to be free of that, I am realizing that I still have the caretaking tendency and I have to make more of a concerted effort to finally focus on ME, my talents and wishes.
As far as caring for anyone ever again, don't worry about that for now. Again, let the focus be on YOU.
Maybe we can support one another in our respective new beginnings. :)
Blessings,
Delphine
Your story is not uncommon...
Submitted by c ur self on
Your story is not uncommon....I do feel for you....Poor choices effect us all....
Some times in marriage's we grow comfortable with our self appointed roles....His job....Her job...And we set expectations on ourselves, and on our mates...usually with a goal in mind. But, in your case after 24 years you have come to the conclusion that your goal isn't met....If I were you, I think I would try to compartmentalize my life going forward....These are the good things I've done, am doing, and need to continue. Then the not so good, the bad and even the terrible....
Placing Expectations on others who aren't equipped mentally or physically to met them is what is called "Unrealistic Expectations"...No matter how much effort or promises when into you believing this away....
You may have to make changes...Is it possible to live the next 24 years being a faithful Wife and Mother...But do what you need to do for yourself? It may mean separate finances, possibly different job etc....
We can cry over spilt milk or we can take the bull by the horns?
When convicts hit the streets after 20 years of incarceration they have a choice....A Job and a life as a productive citizen....or something that will land him back in the system....My marriage is a system, of two being one flesh...It's a beautiful thing ordained by God himself....Honoring my commitment doesn't hinder me from living wisely. If you must assume a role for your own survival you wouldn't ordinarily have thought you had to...It's OK, it happens everyday all across the world....
I wish you a great peace with your decisions moving forward.....
C
It all seems very familiar
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
mynameisstick,
Hello. I got married in 1984. I can relate to most of what you have posted.
Feel free to dump here! My experience is that family and friends who are unfamiliar with ADHD, will listen, but will have no clue what you are talking about - at all.
I can understand feeling like the bottom fell out. I had my eyes on a goal, worked hard to get there, and then felt abandoned when I realized we were not on the same page!! I had lots of assumptions about marriage. Lots of 'should and suppose-to',
I have stopped trying harder and blaming myself,
Is there any hope? We are in the UK and I am struggling to find any UK support for adults or their partners.
There is always hope. The big caveat - I have learned I cannot put a full description on what I want that hope to look like.
Welcome to the forum. I hope you find some answers and suggestions to find a path to feeling better about yourself.
Very truly,
Liz
Feels like an Epiphany
Submitted by mynameisstick on
Thank you for your replies - I have been looking around the other postings when I saw something about co-dependency and feel like a small light bulb has been lit.
I had low self esteem as a teenager / young adult and I suppose my husband's outward confidence and showering of gifts made me feel like I was worth something. I have been caught up with him ever since - alternately angry with him for not being who I wanted him to be, encouraging him to be who I wanted him to be, controlling him and angry if he didn't behave the way I thought he should, as well as anxious and people pleasing. At the same time giving up everything that I enjoy to support him. What a mess!!
The awareness that I need to think only of myself and to try to separate myself from him (mentally) is liberating. Although the reality of taking those steps could be slightly trickier. I will be doing some serious googling - but wonder whether anyone else has been through the same thing?
Maybe the changes in the business are a good thing - I have told him that I do not want to work with him anymore - I don't think it would be healthy working from home and working together - even though the thought that I will have to step out there on my own is frankly terrifying, but I think that's what I have to do for myself. What a place to be aged 49!
I am glad I found you. It's good to know we are not alone.