Alright, before I even start, I'm going to tell you that I'm only sixteen. Don't worry, my boyfriend (who has ADHD) is sixteen too. You see we're still in high school. Now, before you tell me that I have no business posting here, I'm not here to act like a child. I truly want to be there for my boyfriend and understand the way his mind works. I hope you don't just respond with 'you guys are too young to have any real feelings for each other'. We've been going out for a little over a year and have never had sex so we're obviously not into the whole "ignorant, hormonal teenager" thing.
Anyway, here is some background on him. He is medicated and has been since he was about four. He is extremely intelligent but his lack of focus interferes with his grades; they range from A's to D's (no failing grades though). Most of the time he is the sweetest, funniest boy in the world. ADHD actually runs in his family through his dad's side and there are signs that his younger brother may have it.
Now for the problems/what I'm curious about.
1. He has these, I guess you would call them ticks. He has this thing where he shreds wash clothes and plays with the threads and he'll carry wet paper towels around and twist them up. Sometimes he'll get in trouble for making a mess with them so I thought giving him play dough would help. He tried it but it just didn't take to it. Is it normal for someone with ADHD to have this type of compulsion? Or is it just a personality trait?
2. He also has a habit of accidentally 'lying'. It really is an accident when he does it though. Its like, when he tells me something that happened, it completely leaves his head. So he makes up the details that he THINKS happened. Then when he goes back and tells the story again, and he actually REMEMBERS what happened, everything is totally different. The first few times this happened I actually thought he was lying but then I realized what was really happening. Is this common issue?
3. Now, the most important thing. Most of the time he can laugh and joke about having it, but sometimes he just gets so down on himself. Sometimes, he gets in this mindset that he makes mine, his family, and his friends lives miserable because he gets hyper or talks too loud. He thinks everyone hates him or looks down on him for something he's trying his best to control. I try so hard to help him see how untrue all that is but its like he gets stuck in this hideous dark place and I have to fight all the negativity to pull the real him back out. Is there anything I can say or do to, I don;t know, make it easier on him?
Well, that's it I guess. If nothing at all I need is the last question answered the most. I care about him so much and all I want is for him to be happy. I think to be the best girlfriend I could possibly be, I have to do this. I feel like just putting the effort to learn more about ADHD can show him how he is more important than the so called 'problem' he has. Because, honestly, I don't see ADHD as a problem. Not in the way that people usually make it out to be. He is just a normal, loving, teenage boy. He just happens to have trouble paying attention and staying calm. That doesn't make him any less human. I just need a way to show him he is no less amazing than anyone else.
I would love and appreciate any help at all. Thank you.
You are welcome here...
Submitted by YYZ on
I'm an ADDer who wishes I knew ADD was a part of my life from the very beginning. My diagnosis did not come until I was 43 years old. A lot of damage comes because of the length of time you don't know what is driving you. I awoke from my ADD Fog thirty minutes after my first Adderall.
I school I could make a 1st Division at All-State on a Solo or not make All-City Band. I could make an "A" in Physics and a "D" in Government. 170+ hours of college and an Associates Degree to show for it. I failed my first college course in Basic Programming in 1983 and in 2003 I became a programmer. (I'm pretty good too) I dropped Accounting 101 on three occasions in College and my job is a "Programmer / Trouble-Shooter for an Accounting Software System"! How cRaZy is This???
#1 Compulsive Ticks/Habits: Yep... Very common, beyond the classic bouncing legs while sitting. My odd one is continuously cleaning under my fingernails. This has never stopped... He just needs a substitute that he can deal with that causes less attention, like you were trying to do.
#2 Accidental Lying: There are volumes on this subject here. What you describe is the poor short term memory. Sometimes when an ADDer is surprised by a question, they answer the best they can with what they have. Too often, thinking through your answer takes too long and you have looked like you are lying, so you try to whip out an answer to prevent this and end up making it worse. Then, of course, later because of the short term memory issue you forget what you said and at a more relaxed moment tell a more accurate (Or Different) story all together. (Big Ugly Mess)
#3 Like your boy friend, I appear on the outside to most as a Glass 1/2 Full Optimistic Laid-Back Guy. After years of self esteem battery at my core I'm very insecure and fairly dark. Most people never see this side of me unless you are really looking. My taste in music and movies and sense of humor share themes. Dark, Sad, Mad, Sarcastic, but not totally... The darkness can take over if you let it. The best thing is to get a Good ADD therapist, read about ADD and how it affects you and those around you. The meds make you "See" things you never could before, like body language and facial expressions. These are difficult to process, since you spent most of your life "Not seeing them". Knowing the bad ADD traits is important to keep things in check, but there are good things about ADDer's too. I would not be doing my job if it were not for my odd way of looking at things. My solutions to problems seem to come out of left field, but they work many times.
Maybe your boy friend needs to have his meds re-evaluated. With the correct drug and dosage many ADD traits can be subdued, Never Gone, but pushed down and controlled. Also... Many will tell you that you cannot fix him. You can support his efforts, but he has to do the work.
Best wishes to you both...
Thank you so much!
Submitted by WhiteRabbit13 on
Thank you so much!
Anytime...
Submitted by YYZ on
There are a lot of good sources of information on this site. Just keep reading...