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Hi Liz, thank you for reading and commenting. I feel like I can forgive easier knowing what the big symptom is. You hang in there too, life is definitely not easy!
I'm really sorry to read about your situation. I know it is a frustrating and scary situation for you to be in.
It is obvious that you are very smart and capable in the area of personal finance. Why is he in charge of the finances in your relationship? In my opinion, you should be taking care of the finances.
The first month that I was married to my husband (ADHD) he bounced several checks. He promised that he had taken care of everything. The next month he bounced several more checks because he forgot to record the overdraft fees from the previous month. At that point, I closed his checking account and put him on a cash only basis. He agreed to this arrangement because he knew that I was better at managing the finances than him. It also freed him up to focus his time and energy on things that he was good at. Of course we decide on large purchases together, but I deposit all the checks, I pay all the bills, and I manage all of our debt and savings. We've never had another fight about money since I took away his checkbook and took over our finances. We've been married 21 years. I guess you could argue that I treated him like a child by not giving him a checkbook or debit card.
I see it like this: We all have strengths and weaknesses. My husband is very smart and capable in many areas. I am smart and capable in other areas. We complement each other well.
Wow, you've been through it too it sounds like! Your last sentence totally nails it on the head -- it just too me a while to finally realize that this is probably one of those things.
He had taken care of the finances because of a job that I was in and because he had more time. He had been doing pretty well but it looks like it went off the rails 6 months ago and he just didn't want to tell me. I'm now taking charge -- I'm really disgusted by how hard I worked to build up my credit only to have it crumble right in front of me. I guess it's just one of those lessons that you have to learn the hard way?
Thanks for your input -- it sounds like you are doing well. I, too will be managing the finances from now on!
Through out your whole post you kept typing I trusted him....Why? His whole living of life as you stated was nothing but irresponsibility. How did he a man that has lived life with the responsibility level of and 8 year old, ever get his hands on someone as responsible as you have been credit cards?
Suggestion...Never share finance's in no way with him...No joint accounts', No credit cards, nothing...Never get sucked into believing statement's about $ that you know he can't fulfill....
You've got a long painful road of clearing up all that debt...Hopefully he will step up and be a man, and work and help clear it up....
You get what you see with people, believe what you see!
Oh my! And ouch. It's such a hit to your trust. I'm in a similar position. Recently married after being shy of marriage and not trusting past partners. I'm learning it's tricky with ADHD partners. They take advantage of you and abuse your good nature but they aren't opportunists. ( like my previous partner) They legitimately don't mean to do it.
However, you can't take that to the bank. No one cares that his intentions weren't out of malice. You can't explain plain old carelessness, can you? I'm just learning. My situation, thankfully is no where near the dollar amount as you, but I'm also at a crossroads. Do u "cash out" and move on? Or hope your emotional investment pays off in the end? And you can live happily ever after...
Oh honey--I have been there and it does not get better. Search my name--you will see all the posts I have put up. In the 20 years we have been married...there have been three other women with whom lines were crossed, there was a car purchased without my knowledge (like-I only found out when we got papers from a lawyer suing us for payments that were never made), a secret bank account with thousands of dollars in it three months after he lost his job. That was two years ago and I still don't know where the money came from or where it went. There was our only credit card that he gave to a friend a month after we bought our first condo and the friend racked up hundreds of dollars of charges and hubby acted like he had no idea where those charges had come from. There were the many many ATM withdrawals that were not recorded such that the account was overdrawn. It just goes on and on. I can tell you without hesitation: it will not get better. The lack of impulse control often leads to bad decisions that are then lied about so the person does not get into trouble. It's a terrible cycle--they mess up, we lose our minds, they grovel and apologize, we bail them out and it's fine...for a while...then it starts again. Fine can last a month or a year, but it will happen again.
I'm sorry this happened to
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I'm sorry this happened to you! I'd be at my wit's end, too, if I were you. I'm not sure what's worse, the accumulation of debt or the lying.
Rosered, thank you so much
Submitted by JayEllEss on
Rosered, thank you so much for taking the time to read this!
I feel so good knowing that someone can feel how I'm feeling right now.
One of the reasons we are here . . .to provide a place to vent.
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
JayEllEss,
Oh my. I feel your pain. I truly understand about not wanting anyone to bash someone you love and care about.
I am here learning to take good care of Liz and get some insight..
I hope you find some support and relief.
Very Truly,
Liz
Hi Liz
Submitted by JayEllEss on
I'm really sorry to read
Submitted by Hopeful Heart on
I'm really sorry to read about your situation. I know it is a frustrating and scary situation for you to be in.
It is obvious that you are very smart and capable in the area of personal finance. Why is he in charge of the finances in your relationship? In my opinion, you should be taking care of the finances.
The first month that I was married to my husband (ADHD) he bounced several checks. He promised that he had taken care of everything. The next month he bounced several more checks because he forgot to record the overdraft fees from the previous month. At that point, I closed his checking account and put him on a cash only basis. He agreed to this arrangement because he knew that I was better at managing the finances than him. It also freed him up to focus his time and energy on things that he was good at. Of course we decide on large purchases together, but I deposit all the checks, I pay all the bills, and I manage all of our debt and savings. We've never had another fight about money since I took away his checkbook and took over our finances. We've been married 21 years. I guess you could argue that I treated him like a child by not giving him a checkbook or debit card.
I see it like this: We all have strengths and weaknesses. My husband is very smart and capable in many areas. I am smart and capable in other areas. We complement each other well.
Don't try to put a square peg into a round hole.
Thanks Hopeful Heart
Submitted by JayEllEss on
Hi Hopeful Heart,
Wow, you've been through it too it sounds like!
Your last sentence totally nails it on the head -- it just too me a while to finally realize that this is probably one of those things.
He had taken care of the finances because of a job that I was in and because he had more time. He had been doing pretty well but it looks like it went off the rails 6 months ago and he just didn't want to tell me.
I'm now taking charge -- I'm really disgusted by how hard I worked to build up my credit only to have it crumble right in front of me.
I guess it's just one of those lessons that you have to learn the hard way?
Thanks for your input -- it sounds like you are doing well. I, too will be managing the finances from now on!
So sorry you've been used like this....
Submitted by c ur self on
Through out your whole post you kept typing I trusted him....Why? His whole living of life as you stated was nothing but irresponsibility. How did he a man that has lived life with the responsibility level of and 8 year old, ever get his hands on someone as responsible as you have been credit cards?
Suggestion...Never share finance's in no way with him...No joint accounts', No credit cards, nothing...Never get sucked into believing statement's about $ that you know he can't fulfill....
You've got a long painful road of clearing up all that debt...Hopefully he will step up and be a man, and work and help clear it up....
You get what you see with people, believe what you see!
C
Oh my! And ouch. It's such
Submitted by honeyblonde on
Oh my! And ouch. It's such a hit to your trust. I'm in a similar position. Recently married after being shy of marriage and not trusting past partners. I'm learning it's tricky with ADHD partners. They take advantage of you and abuse your good nature but they aren't opportunists. ( like my previous partner) They legitimately don't mean to do it.
However, you can't take that to the bank. No one cares that his intentions weren't out of malice. You can't explain plain old carelessness, can you? I'm just learning. My situation, thankfully is no where near the dollar amount as you, but I'm also at a crossroads. Do u "cash out" and move on? Or hope your emotional investment pays off in the end? And you can live happily ever after...
Im losing hope... And maybe just getting real.
oh dear--I have been there too
Submitted by dvance on
Oh honey--I have been there and it does not get better. Search my name--you will see all the posts I have put up. In the 20 years we have been married...there have been three other women with whom lines were crossed, there was a car purchased without my knowledge (like-I only found out when we got papers from a lawyer suing us for payments that were never made), a secret bank account with thousands of dollars in it three months after he lost his job. That was two years ago and I still don't know where the money came from or where it went. There was our only credit card that he gave to a friend a month after we bought our first condo and the friend racked up hundreds of dollars of charges and hubby acted like he had no idea where those charges had come from. There were the many many ATM withdrawals that were not recorded such that the account was overdrawn. It just goes on and on. I can tell you without hesitation: it will not get better. The lack of impulse control often leads to bad decisions that are then lied about so the person does not get into trouble. It's a terrible cycle--they mess up, we lose our minds, they grovel and apologize, we bail them out and it's fine...for a while...then it starts again. Fine can last a month or a year, but it will happen again.
I wish I had left years ago.