I'm a 28 y/o husband/new father (first one just a few days ago!!) and have been married for 4 years. I started reading the ADHD Effect and I'm loving it. However, I can't help but feel saddened and frustrated during this otherwise joyous time. I feel like all the progress I felt like I made with my wife's and mine relationship has been crumbled back to square one. She says I am using ADHD as an excuse as to why I haven't done something such as "You're saying you didn't empty the shredder trash because you have ADHD." I think an excuse is something to say to get out of doing something and an explanation is why something didn't get done before and want to do it now.
I've read up to the point in the book where it talks about the Parent-Child dynamic and it speaks so loud to me. I'm trying extremely hard to stay positive and my appointments with my counselor and my doctor (for medication) can't come soon enough. I want to confide in friends, but I don't know 1. how to bring it up and 2. know who would be supportive and helpful during this new phase in our life. She will read the book once her and the baby get on a more stable schedule and she has time, but it's just hard for me because, like the analogy about looking at time through a paper towel tube, I'm in the now and can't be patient enough for the future "not now".
Does this ring true for anyone else?
Just needing to unload, maybe others are going through as well
Submitted by kdog2021 on 06/06/2014.
why explain?
Submitted by mariel on
oh lovey, whether it's an excuse or an explanation there are times (and the first few days after having a baby is one of them) when talking about how or why something didn't get done is not that helpful. if you meant to do it and you haven't then just appologise and do it.
i'm not saying there's never a time for talking but i sense that you may be thinking more about yourself and your adhd than about your new baby and for all sorts of reasons your baby needs to be the focus right now. did you notice you said your wife will read the book once she and the baby have got a schedule worked out? does that mean that you aren't part of working out the schedule? i hope this isn't harsh, i really don't know much about adhd but the first few days with your first baby really need to be all about just supporting your wife and working together to become parents to your new baby. my advice is use that paper towel tube and point it directly at that issue. these first few days will mean so much to your wife and will stay in your memories foreverer. you both have had a huge and wonderful change but on top of that your wife has huge physical and biochemical things going on.
It wasn't harsh. But I didn't
Submitted by kdog2021 on
I've got to say, I was going
Submitted by ICanSeeClearlyNow on
I've got to say, I was going to post something similar to mariel, but was happy to see this as your reply. The first several months after both of our children were born, my husband really did seem to go into culture shock, but to the point that he tried to avoid all responsibility (tried desperately to hold onto his old life - like, not ever getting up in the middle of the night to help with the baby, going out with co-workers for TGIFs, trying to avoid ever being left alone with the baby). I also think he felt like he was in competition with the baby for my attention and my maternal instincts probably led him to feel the baby was "winning". It was almost a surreal experience for me - I'd expected a partner and I felt like I had gone from no children to two children. The first several months after the baby is born, your wife will still be dealing with post-partum hormones (heck, I'm still dealing with them and my second baby is 9 months old now) and it's just not the time to try to add to her plate. She will appreciate all you do for her and will eventually let you know when she's ready to take on the reading. If you can hang on through therapy and your own reading until she's ready, I think you'll both be the better for it. I have to applaud you on being so proactive about dealing with issues. I can't get my husband to read Melissa's book or to go to counselling with me.
I think you will do fine
Submitted by mariel on
I think you guys will be fine. You sound like you are fully committed to being the best dad you can be and that is ll any of us can do - be the best we can be. You WILL mess it up - ALL parents mess it up sometimes I think :-)
My ADHD hubby has been a brilliant dad to our two kids and a brilliant step dad to my older son. He;'s completely rubbish at nearly all of the things that you would write down that a dad should DO - but wonderful at all the things a dad should BE. Does that make any sense? My middle son who is autistic said when he was about 12 that we make Christmas wonderful ( I think I was crying at the time over the mountain of work I had to do for christmas and the fact that there's always stress and rows) I asked what he meant when for me christmas is just endless cleaning, cooking worrying about money and trying to keep everyone happy and he said something like "Dad always knows exactly what presents we want; and you. . . er . . you make sure we have power to cook the dinner with" - which pretty much summed up his requirements for christmas!
On the other hand when I was pregnant with our first son I asked hubby to learn to drive so that he could drive me to the hospital - I mean he had like 8 months to do it in. When he hadn't by month 7 I asked him to sort out some taxi numbers and maybe pre warn then since the baby was due on christmas eve . . and yes you guesed it I ended up driving myself to the hospital in labour, in the snow, on boxing day night. When our second son was born I asked him to clean the toilet each day for the first couple of weeks. He didn't do it once. I understand now why those things were hard for him. I'm not angry about them but I DO remember feeling hurt and let down even 19 and 16 years later - it's part of our family story now.
So I guess what I mean is just keep letting them both know that you love them in thought and word and deed. best wishes m x
My husband was dreadful after each baby
Submitted by Linsy on
He really fell apart. Lost everything he needed to function, such as phone, diary, wallet. Leaving him entirely dependent on me when I had a new born baby. Even made it imperative that I go out on job interviews. My advice is, don't think about yourself at all. Only about her and your new baby. Write a list and stick to it. Use all the techniques you can not to let her down. The last time was the last straw, and I do not live with my husband any more, bringing up three children completely on my own, because this is MUCH easier than doing it with him.
but don't you have to think abut yourself to get it right?
Submitted by mariel on
Oh Linsey, that sound horrible. I have been a single parent and it was EASIER than parenting with my hubby. Not sure it was better for us though. In the end it's a choice to be with someone and it sounds like you made the right choice for you.
I know what you mean that the chap who posted here needs to prioritise his wife and baby but I think that by trying to work on himself he is actually doing that. If he only thinks about them and not himself then he might lose his phone, keys, wallet etc. I know in an idea world our blokes would be being equal parents but if that's not possible then at least being an independent adult is a start.
In the end the way my hubby and I got through ( and I wouldn't hold us up as an example of brilliance but we have raised 3 kids to adulthood and currently pretty much 'parenting' my dad who has dementia) was to just accept that there are things he can't / won't do so there's no point in me wishing and hoping and scheming. There is different stuff each of us likes doing and different stuff we are each good at and some stuff that neither of us are good at or like and that falls to me. It's not fair but who ever said life would be fair. It works.
I had meant to say in my last reply that what I meant is that there is no point trying to be something you're not ( or trying to make someone be something they are not) ( the perfect dad for example - well no such thing exists). So the poster needs to stop wanting his wife to work on his adhd - if / when she can and wants to then she will. What we can each do is be the best that we can be and evolve some sort of system of arrangements where you acknowledge and respect what each person does bring to the family.