So this is one of those moments that I KNEW I would have, where I am in that "what was I thinking" mode. I still think I made the right decision to let him stay until March (or when he gets what he needs to go be on his own) - because I made that choice out of love. But I certainly DO feel like he was making those changes, and following through on things etc to get me to let him stay - I feel like he manipulated me. Because once that I did, he has really slacked off and gone back to how he used to be. At this point, he contributes VERY little to the home regularly. He does pay for his own cigarettes and he pays for the gas in the truck. But he isnt keeping up with the things he said he would do. Its falling on my shoulders again to pick up the slack. Which would not be such a big deal if we were truly sharing finances and working together to get things done (because then we would be contributing together). He did help me move boxes down stairs that were too heavy for me. And he helped me set up a table in my craft room. He still asks me if I need things when he gets up. But... those major changes he made, where he seemed genuinely wanting to follow through and be responsible and contribute... seems to have slipped away. I hope I am wrong about him doing it to manipulate me. I WANT to be wrong.
I am glad he is able to save for what he needs, but I am pretty disappointed that all that initial change he made seemed to be just a ploy to get what he wanted. He also likes to treat himself a couple of times to fast food for lunch. I wonder if he will ever feel like treating me to dinner instead of me paying for it all the time. Last night I had hoped he would say it was his treat - but he didnt. Silly to hope for something so trivial I guess!
He is leaving, and I will be OK. He is leaving and I will be OK. I love him with my whole heart - a choice I make every day. I am sad that he believes love is something that just exists, that its a feeling you have. How very sad to live to shallowly. For him and everyone who loves him truly. How sad for me.
Anyway - just one of those days I am feeling down and "less than".
Aw, Stacey. I feared this
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Aw, Stacey. I feared this would happen but I wanted to be wrong, for your sake. It is very hard to resist a person when he or she claims, "I'm sorry" and "I won't do it again" and "This time, I'm really going to change," all with the puppy-dog eyes. One of the only ways I know to cope in these situations is to acknowledge ahead of time (that is, before deciding whether to do what the puppy-dog-eyed person wants me to do) that the good behavior probably won't continue and to plan accordingly.
Stacey, I know this
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hey girl, I totally understand with this. I do love my husband also, and it has been SO hard to leave. I just turned 60 a couple weeks ago, and NEVER in all my life dreamed I'd be in THIS situation. It is SO MUCH HARDER in parting when you LOVE the person so very much. I've had to convince myself of that, concerning my husband, almost every day for over 9 months now. My husband DID NOT love me, the way I loved him, and that would be OKAY, (I guess) if I knew he really DID love me but just 'couldn't show it, but it was MORE than that. He wanted to be with someone ELSE, which proved out shortly after I moved out. This whole thing doesn't FEEL okay at ALL. It feels VERY BAD, because I invested over 30 YEARS into this marriage, only to find out I've been living a LIE. It's SO HARD, and hurts like hell.
I don't think my husband will EVER know the hurt and disappointment I've felt in this, and since he never ASKS, I don't think he wants to know. Sad. People keep saying, "You're better off", and "You'll find someone who REALLY loves you", but I just don't FEEL that right now. SO.....ANYWAY.....I DO KNOW HOW YOU'RE FEELING. I'm going through a very similar thing right now. And, for what it's worth, I'll add my 2 cents and say, VENT all you WANT, and LET IT OUT.....it's OKAY. There have been times I've felt I shouldn't have written some of my posts here, and wished I was more eloquent, or understanding, or had WORDS OF WISDOM, but, then I think. Heck, I just have to GET IT OUT, or I will bust. I've been thankful for the people here, who ARE CARING, and lend such insight into their lives, BOTH ADHD and NON-ADHD.
My husband won't alter himself now, or see me any different now. I HAD to make the decision to leave, because I felt like I was dying inside, and a lot of me WAS already dead. You can't make someone else feel something they don't, so it comes down to how do I LIVE with this? and I couldn't any longer. It's somewhat better now, in fact my doctor told me that I "looked different, and better", which I didn't think SHOWED. I turned an emotional corner this past month or so, and accepted things, while rejecting other things, and it's been in my benefit. God has played an important factor also. My prayer life has improved greatly. My "inner dialogue" has changed and stopped being so negative. I had developed a real self loathing over the years of being married to my husband, and it changed WHO I was, into someone I didn't much recognize any longer. I didn't want that to go on, and I"m feeling a LITTLE more like my "old self' again. But, then AGAIN...........I want to be A BETTER SELF.........NOT the old self either. LOL.
I don't want to go on babbling, but I just wanted you to know that you're being thought about right now, and I've put you on my prayer list. Here's hoping and praying that your days and nights will be better for you. Hugs. Dede