Submitted by Libby on 12/17/2018.
I feel that I have become a very negative person as the result of living with my ADD husband. Does anyone else struggle with this? I do not want to be this way and not sure how to turn things around as far ad my mental state.
The only thing that helps me
Submitted by Brindle on
...is detaching from him. Not caring what he does, living a separate life from him, and just thinking of him as a person I care about but am not married to.
And I know that sounds truly awful. But it is either that, be jaded/angry/bitter, or walk out.
Oh wow, those are some of the
Submitted by crl@5 on
Oh wow, those are some of the exact words I use when describing my relationship with my husband of 27 years. It is a very empty, lonely place.
Negativity
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I feel the same way, Libby, and echo the posters who have already commented. I feel like I am angry/resentful/anxious almost 100% of the time and it is hard to be positive when your husband refuses to admit there is an issue and absolutely will not work on it. It is hard to be positive when despite tireless efforts, the house gets worse and worse. It is hard to be positive when every parenting issue is yours to handle, every meal is yours to make, Christmas is all your responsibility and you are still working full time.
What I try to do is live like I am a single mom. I have been doing that for a year or two. With almost no expectations of him, it is harder to be disappointed and therefore negative. It helps a little bit. Also, acceptance helps... I have done (more than) what is reasonable to improve things on my end. If he can't even try or is never going to see it, I have to accept where I am and focus on where I want to be. Not here. So I am taking the advice of many posters on these boards and in the New Year, I am working on creating a circle of friends/support OUTSIDE of my marriage. For January, I have joined a once-a-month divorce support group to help prepare me and a couple of once-a-week classes that are just for fun/me. This will allow me to meet new people and live a more separate and vibrant life outside of my ADHD pit crew role. And ultimately having this life in place will make leaving easier. Because I accept that he is unwilling to change our dynamic. But I don't accept that I have to stay if that's his choice.
That was a long way to go to say that by thinking and moving forward in my life, I am finding glimmers of positivity.
In the past I have tried a couple of different anti-depressants, but the side effects were too much for me. Having said that, Wellbutrin lifted my mood almost instantly and gave me energy I haven't had in over a decade. I wish I could have stayed on it. I am just mentioning a pharmaceutical solution in case you were thinking of something like that.
Thanks to posters on this board, I also started seeing a therapist a few weeks ago. It has helped already and I think will help a lot more over the longer term. Just spilling out my story to someone gave me great relief afterwards. I've never been able to tell anyone everything and there was great value in that. Anyway, my therapist is helping me find my way back to myself and to find new ways to be happy/content outside of the marriage (she also suggested joining groups and finding new friends and hobbies that are all my own).
I hold myself accountable....To Love...quiet love, tough love...
Submitted by c ur self on
I try to make myself not want....I make myself count my blessings daily (and they are abundant)....I make my identity my creator.....I talk to myself about my responsibilities to God as his Son, to myself as the one responsible for a my own emotional, mental and physical well being, and to my wife as her husband....If I turn angry during this self talk, I repent....I try to put myself in her shoes, it helps....I try to force myself to not want to fix or complain about her life style, (Habits that if they were mine, I would classify as bad habits, but w/ her, it just seems to be the only way to survive), but, use boundaries for protection...Love and accept her, but, walk away from words or actions that do not promote peace and healthy attachment....
It's so hard to break out of a negative mind, when we set rules ( even if we are capable of following them) for our spouses....
c
Couples Seminar
Submitted by RobertG on
My wife has become angry/resentful/anxious. I’m working very hard on getting a grip on my emotional inhibitions and ADHD in general. At age 49 and a very dysfunctional upbringing it’s very hard and sometimes seems impossible to work on ADHD after only having been diagnosed and put on meds recently. My wife tries to be supportive and OTOH is still resentful over the past 15 years and with two kids with one most likely ADD (still being diagnosed) and the other non-ADHD but hyperactive.
I’m currently a stay at home dad and manage the entire household including dropping and picking up the kids from school and sports activities and volunteering at school. That part is going extremely well, except for my usual procrastination that don’t fit into a habit. I’m also the ADHD fun dad that does many of the fun stuff with the kids, although I also do discipline them.
My wife works and studies most the time and that sometimes makes me feel like a single parent, especially with my role as the fun parent lacking the executive functions to plan ahead for family event, trips, holiday. So everything is almost all the time planned last minute once the deadline become real close.
After having to cope with ADHD, becoming insecure, lashing out very quickly, being unable to sustain friendships, getting burned out at work and in a ‘functional’ relationship I’ve worked my butt off to gain insight and improve my situation and in the end all I want is to find happiness and joy.
I’m glad my wife is willing to participate in the couples seminar and I hope this will improve our relationship. In the mean time I’ve been working on creating a circle of friends and support outside my marriage. I now regularly meet up with people from an ADHD support group and also start to socialize with them outside the regular meetings. For me it has become clear that getting back to work (once the kids go to college next year) and surrounding myself with supportive positive people is essential for me and this will also change the dynamic in our relationship.