My partner and I have been together for the past 5 years. We are not married but have made steps towards marriage, planning a family, and recently bought a home together. Our lives have countless personal and financial ties that make our relationships possible end very hard to sort out. I am not interested in an end to the relationship because I love my partner despite the personal labeling of "I'm selfish." My partner will put friends and spur of the moment activities before family functions or personal plans. If a friend or coworker calls for a beer- my partner is out the door in a split second. Recently my partner had knee surgery that made independence hard. I was the sole caretaker, chauffeur, and my life revolved around their schedule. After 2 months of care- my partner could again drive and this is where our issues started.
My partner frequently goes out and stays out, despite promising there is no cheating. (They truly are about the bar scene and shooting sh#$ with friends) They no longer want to start a family or a marriage commitment, even though our relationship began with both of these ideas as key. We recently bought a house with a spare bedroom to start the family and now my partner is afraid and has adamantly stated they had a change of heart. I'm heart broken because all of our plans have been shot down and I'm financially in bed with this person- who I thought I'd spend my life.
My partner doesn't want the relationship to end- they simply want it to stay how it is with no marriage or children. This was never our plan. My partner has become down right disrespectful, angry/yelling over me, and determined to brush it under the rug. They have redoubled their efforts to keep busy simply so we never have the conversation on what the heck is going on.
Communication and trust are at all time lows. I love my partner but don't know if this is theirr true opinion or work stressors (ppl laid off) and change has triggered a mental break down. Do I wait it out? How do I know if this can be fixed if my partner won't communicate?
Lack of Commitment
Submitted by skinnieminnie03 on
Hello,
I wish I had some suggestions for you but I am dealing with some similar things with my boyfriend who I've been living with for the past year. I thought I would share just so you know you are not alone. My boyfriend will also jump at the drop of a dime for his friends. If a drunk female friend calls at 2am asking him for a ride home, he will get out of bed and do it. Disturbing my sleep doesn't seem to matter to him. Or he will tell me that I have problems sleeping regardless of what he does. He is good at finding ways to blame me. He will spend 3 hours in his car in the airport parking lot waiting for an ex-girlfriend to arrive when she called him at the last minute needing a ride from the airport. If a friend says "jump" he automatically responds with "how high." But it's different with me. He's not so generous when it comes to me. I used to have panic attacks often but now they only happen like once a year. One night, I was home by myself while my boyfriend was at the bar and started having an attack. At one point early in the relationship he had told me that if I ever needed him to come home from the bar, to just call him. So I trusted that and called him letting him know I wanted him to come home because I was having a panic attack. Did he? No. What was his reason? He said he didn't think it my attack was serious enough for him to come home. Even though I specifically stated over the phone while crying my eyes out "I am having a panic attack, will you please come home?" I don't know how much more direct I could have been. I reminded him that he had once told me I should call him if I needed him to come home. His response was he didn't remember ever telling me that. I ended up calling a crisis hotline to have a stranger help calm me down.
We've made all kinds of plans to do things such as hiking to a specific landmark, going to check out a meditation center, going to haunted houses for Halloween, working out at home, painting an accent wall....have we done any of this? No. The reason is always he's too tired or isn't in the mood. It's about him a lot. But after a long day at work (when you would think he truly is tired) a friend will ask him at the last minute to go to the bar and out the door he goes. He says he will be back soon but soon turns into 7-8 hours at the bar. Funny thing is....he rarely drinks more than 3 beers. He's not a big drinker. So what the heck is he doing at the bar for an equivalent of a work shift??? I could drive myself crazy wondering if he is cheating so I try not to think along those lines. If he is cheating...there's not a darn thing I can do to control that and I just hope I eventually find out.
Communication with someone who has ADHD is extremely difficult. I've tried sitting down with him calmly and pointing things out. Sometimes he seems to get it and things change for a couple days. But that's it. Other times, it's like I am speaking a foreign language. If you decide to wait things out, for your own sanity I would recommend doing things that help keep you centered and calm. Things that help build your patience. We need patience to manage an ADHD relationship. When I do not go to yoga enough, the gym enough or meditate enough, I find that I lose my patience with him quicker which does neither of us any good. Make sure you have your own life outside of the relationship so you do not lose yourself.
I hope things get better for you.