Hello,
I joined this group a while back, but I’ve put it on the back burner because I’m just always hopeful that something will change with my husband and I won’t need to acknowledge how truly stressful life is with him.
My husband and I have been together for 12 years. He was diagnosed with ADHD shortly before we started dating. I’ve always questioned if he has another learning disability or undiagnosed disorder in addition to ADHD, but then when I read the experiences of others, it seems his behavior is pretty dead on.
The problem that I’m currently facing, and curious if anyone else has experienced, is what I refer to as “lapses is knowing,” where he seemingly forgets things that he has known for years. Most recently, the most noticeable instance has been forgetting the amount of food the dog is fed. It may seem silly (and he acts like I’m just nitpicking or like I’m wrong about it) but our dog has been eating special food for well over a year and all of a sudden my husband on 3 occasions in the last month or so has forgotten how much to feed him...and last night insisted to me that I was wrong and he’s been doing it that way all along. I know it may sound insignificant to be fighting over dog food, but it’s just a recent example of the many instances where he completely forgets something that he has previously known. Other arguments have been over things like him insisting we have central air (when we clearly don’t have any duct work) bc the thermostat has a cool option. I also notice his lack of understanding conversations that he is having, not only with me but his interpretation of conversations that he has had with other people can be way off.
Im not sure if this is a normal adhd symptom as someone gets older (my husband is 45) but I’m getting very concerned with the frequency of his utter confusion. I told him i think he needs to see a neurologist but he has always had a knack for blaming me for all his problems or deflecting to things i do wrong or the tone I’m using to not have to actually address my concerns.
I could use some feedback from other people who may understand bc i find that my friends who don’t have significant others with adhd think my complaints are the same as theirs, but it’s very very different.
Forgetting things he has known for years
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
I can see why this would concern you. My husband is 51 and while I I have definitely noticed the worsening of his symptoms as he ages (he is untreated), so far he hasn't seemed to forget things he previously knew as you described. However, I can relate to your comment on lack of understanding in conversations and interpretations of conversations. This seems to have worsened for him significantly over time. I hope some others respond to help you figure out whether this is within the range of normal for ADHD or something else.
Thank you
Submitted by kdak9 on
Thank you for your response. This is the first time in 12 years that I am really feeling like I’m reaching my breaking point. I appreciate the feedback.
Yes.
Submitted by Brindle on
I will try to think of some of those instances at our house... because this sounds familiar. I know I’ve thought, “how could you forget that?” but I tend to just let things pass me by without a word to him. Because I’m tired of arguing with him. So I just let a lot of things fall in the category of “good thing I run our lives and not him.” Oh, and I have more than one child with adhd, and one of them does this all the time. All the time!
Anyway, I will try to think of some instances with my husband.
Thank you.
Submitted by kdak9 on
Thank you for your response. These instances also happen in my house with a frequency that I can’t always say something bc we would be fighting all the time. His response is always combative no matter how I try to approach the issue. But in a case like this where I realized his forgetting could be harmful I needed to say something and I needed him to understand how serious I was. I am going to insist he see a neurologist, bc although he does take medication, he hasn’t seen anyone other than his primary care doc for many many years.
I have experienced something
Submitted by Sollertiae on
I have experienced something a bit like this, although it is often to do with cars/computers or things my partner finds alien to him (he is 41) despite using them forever, or if he simply hasn't actively thought about them for awhile. I also find the memory lapses (and a failure in linear time) get worse and higher frequency when there is some form of stress/anxiety and lack of sleep (or substances) involved over a long term. Emphasis on the lack of sleep. Is there anything putting him under stress or his sleep getting ruined?
If it at all helps I also find rewriting of memories is often founded in emotional intensity - so for example, the other day I realised my partner had rewritten the memory of what happened when my cat of fifteen years died. I had only met him three weeks before so while absolutely gutted, I basically burst into tears and then hustled us on without giving him a choice. I know he was very upset that he hadn't stopped me and made me deal (he said), and so seemingly in the intervening two years he over wrote the real memory with what he wanted to happen. Which tells me two things: a) how upset he was that he felt he let me down (never mind that he would literally have to had to fight me for that to happen) to the point where it was unbearable, and b) that I definitely need to be kinder to people who try to help me. Ack!
The point being, challenging your husband on the memories and indicating there is something more serious behind his lapses might be enough to panic him into instant denial.
If you are really worried, getting him checked is a good idea... but I don't envy you having to persuade him that it is a good idea and not something to stick his head in the proverbial sand over. Which to be honest, I can understand. There is nothing worse than thinking you might be losing your mind.
... who knew?
Submitted by Angie_H on
Hi, kdak9,
My husband also has memory lapses. He claims something relatively new is the way he has always done it or some relatively new thing is 'the one' we've had for years.
He was an early adopter of low wattage light bulbs, even when they took a long time to warm up, and they were dim when first turned on. We have a lamp with a three-way bulb, and only two settings work. I've been asking him to replace the bulb. (Why? Because he moves things around, and I often don't know if we have something or where to look for it.) He says he has no spares, and low wattage three-way bulbs are no longer on the market. Last night, among talking about other things, I asked again about replacing the light bulb. He insisted none of our existing three-way bulbs are low wattage, that I'm mistaken. He even got out of bed and walked downstairs to look at the bulbs in the lamps. Who knew? They are low wattage bulbs.
I so often get told I'm mistaken about many topics. I have had a situation similar to yours regarding feeding a pet. And there are so many other times I get told 'we've always' or 'who knew?' or 'where are we keeping such-and-such now?'. To the last I used to say, same place we've kept it for 20 years, then tell him where it belongs. Now I simply tell him where the object belongs. I never know what is going to go missing, then have him claim we never kept it where I am looking for it, or even worse, that we have no such thing.
I used to think he was gaslighting me deliberately. Now I think he is forgetting things. All I can do is try to be patient and keep the peace. I do love him, and I believe he loves me.
All the best,
Angie
memory lapses
Submitted by ladylamb on
my husband has many memory lapses especially if his routine is broken or lack of sleep. i used to argue with him, but quit and let him find his way.