I finally left my husband of 13 years. He is being a total nightmare. I would love to hear from other women who have left their ADHD husbands for support. I've left him in May this year and we divorced a month ago. We had no money to split , no property to fight over, but we have 2 beautiful children 13 and 10 who we have both adored. My ex is being mad. He is threatening me, if I see him (which is hardly ever but it happened a few times in the summer and recently again in front of the kids; he torments me asking for the kids' things all the time.. looking for ways to create drama and fuss and constantly trying to contact me. It's too long-winded to explain but he's being a lunatic. shouting at me in front of the kids 'you are the one seeing other people (I'm not although it's not his business). And emailing me and texting me on our (recent) wedding anniversary saying 'this is our night' after harassing me, threatening me and shouting at me in front of the kids. I pay our outstanding debts at the moment with no contribution from him. His total lack of responsibility continues.. I am so worried that he is just going to get worse.. he is interferring with me anytime he can e.g. stalking me on social media, and when he can, asking me things like 'what were you doing here or there at that time?' etc.. I have a great lawyer who is helping me to see me through this but it's been a hellish 8 months and I pray to God it improves. He's blaming me for everything when i supported him in the marriage both financially and emotionally. I see more clearly than ever what a mess of a marriage I was in: it was doomed from the start: he was irresponsible with money, not willing to listen, totally disorganised, a fantasist. He adores the children but does he? My daughter is so angry with his behaviour to me in front of her but she is even more angry that he refuses to accept responsibility for it and his refusal to listen to her when she tries to tell him about it (he is doing what he did to me in the marriage to her.. it's heartbreaking to see her go through it but she has given up and won't stay with him or see him at all if she can help it) He's alienating her. This is so sad for her. She is bright and articulate and says she has given up on him. He repulses her. It's shocking. I've been shocked at the level he has taken his rage and behaviour to. Nothing would surprise me now. He has been a total nightmare. I am worried. However, despite this dreadful behaviour of his, and his seeming wish to destroy my spirit I would not go back with him for all the money in the world. It's like I've found a way out of prison and there's no going back . It's been an insane experience and an eye-opener for me. i hope it's not too late to have a good life. I have never had an affair and am not actively looking for a man.. it's the last thing I want right now.. also I'm afraid of what he would do if i had a relationship.. he has scared me for sure... but mostly I'm not ready either. I'm so hurt.. and shocked at seeing the man I married for what he is. Also, at grasping more fully the woman I must have been to marry him: naieve, desperate to 'save him'.. (I met him when I was 32 and had been in therapy for years, so I figured I could help him over his very difficult childhood.. omg.. what an mistake that was) I'd love to hear if anyone has been through something similar and how it has ended up.. I hope he stops trying to wear me down relentlessly. I'm tired.
Leaving a husband with ADHD
Submitted by Ener on 12/16/2013.
Uh..Get the lawyer involved.
Submitted by Blurry on
been there
Submitted by lynninny on
Ener, my thoughts are with you. Hang in there. I had a similar experience and now am on the other side of it. Our exes sound pretty similar. I looked at my ex's behavior the way you are.. as a confirmation that I did the right thing, and as a demonstration of his true mental state. Pat yourself on the back for getting out.
I left a year ago -- I asked mine to move out, as I was in a better position physically and financially to take care of our house. I knew I would have our children with me most of the time and wanted them to be able to stay in the house with the yard, etc. He refused and got pretty out of control, so I found an apartment and moved with the kids within a few days. Then the next 2 or 3 weeks were insane. After years of resisting any conversations, therapy, or connection with me, he would call me, weeping, at work, asking why I didn't love him any more. Then the threats to take me to court, take the children (as if he could, seriously--such a disconnect from reality), threats to expose anything about me that might be embarrassing, threats to show up at my apartment or at work, drama on the doorstep about how many hours the kids were with whom, the whole deal. Nasty voicemails and texts. I couldn't believe how crazy it got. He was so extreme that even though he can be a loving father, I considered trying to get sole custody with no visitation. I did save the messages in case I needed them.
Then the following 2 to 3 months were merely uncomfortable and difficult. He even attempted to reconcile, but it was too late for me. He couldn't seem to connect me not wanting him to have a key to my apartment with his earlier threats to show up here when he was mad. Is that ADHD or something else? I just tried to stay as zen a possible. I kept repeating, "This isn't good for the kids. Let's talk later," and just walking away or hanging up. I tried as hard as possible not to engage or to ignore everything. I repeated, "This is happening. You can blame everything on me if you want to--it's fine. I am sorry you are so unhappy. I would like for us to have an amicable relationship for our children."
Stay calm! He wants the drama. It is his only connection with you now. Don't get pulled into it or argue. He is not logical and is not interested in talking things out. And of course, if you feel unsafe, document everything or ask your attorney what to do. I am sure you could ask that he only communicate with you through the attorney if it gets really bad. Maybe in a calm moment you could tell him that unfortunately if he can't stop x, y, and z, you will have to do it. Sucks, but your children have to come first. Mine did get a lot better after I did just that, and we have a pretty amicable relationship these days.
Time is a great healer. Hopefully your ex will come around and things will get less bumpy. But---you will get past this and have a good life. It is already a better life! Take one day at a time. My best to you.