What have we learned after decades of being married to someone who is not coping and addressing or even accepting ADD / not trying at all to work and commit and be a partner?
Had I known how it would turn out.....Had I known what I know now....Had I known it would never change from the early struggling days......I would have:
• I would have left the first time I caught him with another woman.
• I would have locked the house doors the first time he stayed out til 4 in the morning drinking. Then taken the kids to Mom's house....letting the entire family (his included) know how things were really going at our house - getting it out in the open rather than "taking it and stuffing it and keeping it secret thinking that I could handle it all quietly" all these years.
• I would be able to recognize when he was "getting his way" at the expense of my self respect, at the expense of our relationship, at the expense of my sense of security, at the expense of our family unity. And I would have gone to counseling over this issue until I could feel I and my children were secure with him. If it could not be remedied, I would have left.
• I would not believe suspicious lies trying to give him the benefit of the doubt so many times. I would address EVERY infraction until I was satisfied. I would be MORE verbal and less accepting - because with untreated/unaccepted ADD, making yourself accept unacceptable behavior is sacrificing your SELF. I would have been more verbal and less compromising, knowing what it takes to be happy and secure and responsible myself. Letting his name calling and manipulations fall on deaf ears but keeping my integrity.
• I would not bow to his manliness as in ("promise to obey" - yes this WAS in my wedding vows per our minister at the time. ... as in "support his ego by being soft and sweet, letting the little things go and not fight" rather than being strong and sane.) Because blindly trusting the memory and perspective and authority and your unplanned/unspoken future life with an untreated/unaccepted ADDer is insanity. So, I would have taken on the job as dictator rather than humble servant and let the name-calling fall on deaf ears.
Jennalemon: Had I known
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Wow, this was something that I was thinking just this morning. What would I have done if I had known about the ADHD? There are days I certainly WISH I WOULD HAVE KNOWN, because I wouldn't have married him. But, then again............(sigh)......I just don't know. All those years, NOT KNOWING what was going on...........getting blamed for everything under the sun..........him NEVER having positive interaction with the girls and trying to make their lives better. My ADHD husband worked very hard, and I ABSOLUTELY GIVE him that.........BUT..........I did everything ELSE. Much of the work he DID do, wasn't necessary.......he "made up" work to do, thinking it would get him ahead. (it didn't) There is just SO MUCH.
My DH also had an affair, and it was devastating. It added an entire dump truck of hurt, lies and sabotage on top of the undiagnosed ADHD. Nobody knows what that feels like unless they've been through it. I felt TOTALLY worthless then, and still struggle at times now. My DH had just finished his PhD, and got a new job in another state (which he did not discuss with me) He took the job WITHOUT my agreeing with him, and we sold the house within 2 weeks of putting it up for sale. DH moved out with all the furniture, and I was left to fix up the house and get it ready for the new owners, and there was A TON of work to do. Every room was a wreck. The house was being painted, so there were drop cloths everywhere, paint cans, trash everywhere, tools and equipment everywhere, and the only thing I had in the house was a sofa and a television. The family room was totally trashed (with trash on the floor from the workers) but that is where the sofa was, so I was sleeping in the trashed up room for over a month. DH was in the middle of his affair, playing "house" with the other woman, in OUR new house in the other state. I felt like the discarded trash on the floor, and I can't tell you how demeaning that is. I had to quit my job because all I could do was cry. (being a musician, I couldn't cry through my whole performance) After the sale, I moved into an apartment with my daughter.
Anyway, as long as I don't say anything that disagrees with him, or talk about my hurt or frustration, HE thinks we are doing just fine. I just don't get it. If HE is hurt or frustrated, I would rather KNOW about it, and have him talk it out so we can come to an understanding, but THAT isn't the way he feels about me. My feelings and persona are very numb and altered now. I KNOW I"m not the same person I was. YES I wish I HAD KNOWN about the ADHD......because I could have made a more informed decision, and at least had THE CHOICE of whether or not to do this. For me NOW, I'm disabled and can't live on my own.
We are asked to think of the ADHD as disabled, and to have compassion on them for their disability.I DO have compassion, and empathy, and would NOT have stayed this long and go through SO MUCH if I DIDN'T have that. The thing is though: ............... I AM disabled ( physically) but can still love, have compassion and empathy and have deep loving relationships without making my husband jump through impossible hoops. But, with HIM, the whole thing is just EXHAUSTING. I wish he could SEE how much I've done for him, but even THAT is too much to ask for.
I feel your pain Jennalemon.......I REALLY DO.
I would have...
Submitted by boilergirl on
I would have thought "will
Submitted by MFrances on
I would have thought "will this man be a good husband and father"? I never once thought that. No one (family or friends) ever asked me that. It's so important. I would have definitely taken the angry outbursts more seriously. I learned quickly not to take them personally and that worked great until we had kids. I never once thought how having an angry father would affect any future kids. But... if I didn't marry him, I wouldn't have my two kids.
Had I known how devastating
Submitted by LyraHeartstrings on
Had I known how devastating ADHD can be on relationships, I never would have married him. We could stay friends, but nothing deeper.