Hello. My Husband and I have been married for 24 years. He is ADHD and I am not. I could write a book about all of the challenges that we have faced over the years lol, however I have one specific topic to post today and I am seeking feedback. My husband talks too much. A conversation usually entails me listening 95% of the time and then maybe 5% of the time I have a turn to talk. When I do have a chance to talk within the first sentence he is already interrupting me, interjecting with his train of thought or assumptions and without patience to wait until the end of what I have to say. I have tried in various different ways to explain to him that I'm frustrated because I don't get a turn to talk and that the constant interrupting while I finally have a chance to speak is becoming so frustrating for me. His response is usually frustration or anger when I say to him "stop interrupting me for once let me have a chance to speak. I have been listening and giving you much patience while you express all your thoughts."
I'm looking for feedback and or advice on how to explain this to my ADHD husband in a way that he will understand. I would like to have a conversation without feeling on edge that when I do have a chance to speak I know it will result in me saying "can you just let me have a turn to talk before you interrupt?" He doesn't seem to see what he is doing has anything wrong.
I often joke and call him a chatty Cathy. Or I have tried to say I would love to have a conversation with you but it is not a conversation it is me sitting and listening while you talk at me and to me that is not enjoyable. When I say things like this it typically will cause an argument and somehow I am accused of not being supportive and wanting to listen to what he has to say. Yet I have been here and patient and listening to all of his thoughts for years. I appreciate any feedback of key phrases or different ways to word where I'm coming from when explaining this to my husband. Thank you
Talking
Submitted by adhd32 on
We have this problem too. I don't know if this can be changed, it is almost as though they are reading a script with blinders on. Recently, we were in a group and he got on his subject. Every time I changed the subject and the conversation moved on, H was back 2 topics ago still commenting on his thing. At one point I looked at him and said to him "stop talking" and he stopped, but then seconds later picked up where he left off. It is almost like a compulsion. Maybe talking gives stimulation to the brain, I don't know why this happens. I tell him he rambles on to fill the air with noise, endless monologues about people I don't know and things I don't care about. He doesn't converse, he orates. No genuine conversation about regular everyday things or, God forbid, something that may be bothering me. 90% of the time he talks and then minimizes my 10% with insults, negative comments, or over talking before he takes over again. Dinner time after he came home from work was maddening when the kids were small. They would try to have a turn and I would try to stop him to let them share. He would get angry and claim I "never" listen to him and I "always" let the kids cut him off because i would say to let them have a turn. I guess all that listening he didn't do with them, and all the things they wanted to tell him but couldn't has been the foundation of his almost nonexistent relationship he now shares with them.
I hear ya!
Submitted by Exhausting on
Oh, such a welcome post to read! I am not alone! This is just so much the same as my life. My ADHD spouse favourite topic is horse racing. It is all he talks about. He can be waffling on about something and I can be showing absolutely no interest, sometimes don't even answer him which, to any non-ADHD person would just seem rude, yet he hardly notices and just keeps rambling on.
I don't think he has once said to me in 16 years of marriage .. "how was your day?". It just isn't on his radar. For so long, I used to think "this guys doesn't give a shit about how my day was" but now I realise it isn't intentional. What's frustrating is when you have to give him your full attention when he is telling you all about his day from the moment he walks in the door.
God we all deserve medals.
Just stop!
Submitted by GhostWriter on
Reading both posts made me think - Yep, that's exactly right! I say myself, but I can never get a word in otherwise. I am a full-time (*cough, was) author/ghostwriter. Pre-pandemic, I had 9 hours a day to focus on work. Then in March of 2020, my husband started working from home. Now, from 4:30 am - to bed, it's non-stop talking or noise just for noise's sake. I also have to be interested in everything he's into (his work, stock market, his music, playing video games)- if I want to be or not. To hell with my career. Whenever I sit down to work, the constant bother factor is dialed up to Fukushima levels. And if a client contacts me, it can be a nightmare dealing with them and my husband simultaneously. He has to add his two cents on every subject. Then he complains that I'm not making the same money I used to. Even while I'm trying to write this, I've been interrupted ten times already with items that need my immediate attention - e.g., closing a window, reading a receipt to him. Anything he needs has to be done immediately, or I end up in a huge argument - because he always knows best. Also, if any little thing goes wrong, it's always my fault - and the smaller the problem, the bigger the argument. This attitude, the constant "advise," and demands are driving me insane. If I choose a dress to wear and he wants me to wear another, he'll pester me, and pester me until I change, even if I don't feel comfortable wearing it (sorry if I don't like to wear white at certain times of the month). He'll complain incessantly about paying $10 for hamburger things that will make our lives better but has no problem buying me La Perla or other high-end items I never wear. And now he wants to have a baby and is putting me through hell about that. I want to go to a mountain top and scream! In the 23 years, I've been with him, he's becoming worse, and my patience is wearing thin. - Okay, done with my rant. Thanks for reading.
I got exhausted by just reading this!
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
I have no doubts about the need for constant stimulation. Best wishes.
understand
Submitted by Where Have All ... on
haha! I understand that. What I have done is have a "Talk Wand" or item that is held when it's your turn to talk. only the person holding the stick or wand can speak. then they hand it to the other and that person speaks. it has really helped
Social situations are the worst
Submitted by StumpedInSeattle on
I cannot get a word in sideways in any social situation when my ADHD wife is around. Even worse, because of her impulsive nature, she blurts whatever comes to mind at that moment, whether or not it is appropriate for that group of people or gathering, and brings all the conversation to that topic and stays on it, whether or not anyone is interested in that topic or not. Because most people love her spontaneous (impulsive!) nature, and because she is often the life of the party, no one ever objects - but most likely it's because they can't get a word in sideways either! I really, really hate being in a social gathering with her so over the years I do my best not to be present in such situations... :(
I know how this feels.
Submitted by Eighpryl_AB on
I'm introverted and have always been "a good listener", but feeling like you can never get a word in edgewise is frustrating as heck in a relationship. While I have told him for years that he never lets me talk, that I can never get a word in, or that he interrupts me constantly, I think the light finally came on for him was when he was monologing at the dinner table one night, and I thought of something I had to ask one of the kids. I politely interrupted him to ask. A couple minutes later I remembered another thing. He told me later that he was so hurt that I had interrupted him like that and that nobody cared to ask him to continue after the second interruption. He said that if he EVER did something like that to me I would be furious. And I outright laughed at him and informed him he does that to me ALL. THE. TIME. He denied it, so I listed several examples of him doing that to me just that week. I think the light went on. He's been making a bigger effort to listen and is doing pretty well... until he gets worked up about something... which happens a lot with him. We haven't developed a word or anything that clues him in, but that probably needs to be next because he is completely time blind when he gets to talking. We're going to have to talk about how we can limit these conversations during business hours without him getting offended at me. He still hasn't grasped that it's a problem until I try to leave.
He is the life of the party anywhere he goes. He's funny and has great stories, and probably takes up 60% of the conversation in social situations because it KILLS him if he perceives in lag in the conversation... even if the other person was just drawing breath. I struggle with it sometimes because I'm afraid he looks over-the-top to people, but we're still invited places, so maybe it's just the lens I view him with rather than reality.
Cathy's Wife
Submitted by loveandpeace on
Hi CW,
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, apart from being key characters in Hamlet, had their own movie several years ago. Within the movie our two small characters in Hamlet become the protaganists in their own film....filling in the blanks of what they did while Hamlet was doing his bit. One of the ways they filled the time was to play the questions game. It is scored like tennis. Each player asks a question of the other in successive order until someone simply can't issue a question and answers with statement. That player loses and the point is awarded to the other person.
Do you fancy a game of questions?
-Do you know how to play?
Is it not apparent we are playing?
-Well how was your day at work?
Would you believe my boss asked me if I was available on Saturday?
-Has anyone told him we have tickets to opera matinee show that day?
Oh, I forgot.
- Point to the dashes. Care for another round?
It might not be the best way to communicate all the time, but it's a decent exercise that can be done in a fun and flirty way to make both realize, think and understand what the other is saying before going on and on and on.