A psychologist would tell me I am acting out the role that my primary family smushed me into.
My S.W. counselor told me I did not "grow up" .... arrested development because I thought I HAD to be a good girl and obey (nearly everything/everyone).
An economist would tell me that my tendency to "play it safe" did nothing to increase my monetary well-being.
My old preachers said I must obey my husband, my parents, the 10 commandments AND the new testaments lessons of love they neighbor as thyself.
My church and culture said I must marry and have children and make promises that I must never fall back on ... to honor and obey.
My childhood teaching told me I should work hard like a Girl Scout and be humble and above all, be like Jesus..... sacrificing.
My schools told me I must study and learn and "make the grade".
My head told me that I must work hard and give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give.....give, female, give.
My NEW minister told me God does not want his people to be miserable. That God made his laws and commandments FOR the people....not to CRIPPLE his people.
New age "experts" tell me I should set boundaries, make myself happy, THINK my way to positive outcomes....that if I am thinking "wrong" that it is my fault that my life is "wrong".
What is next? What will the newest thought "fad" tell me to do and how to be?
I know I am searching. I am wanting something I don't have anymore. I know I "had" "it" before I was married. I lost it when I became someone I thought I "had" to be when I got married. The happiness and well-being I once had seems to be an impossible dream to me now.
I had an adult beautiful dog a few years ago. He was lost in the woods for 4 days. Someone found him, cared for him and we got him back. He had obviously been running frantically for days along the beach of Lake Michigan, unable to smell his way back because he crossed a creek. The beautfiul, princely dog was never his princely self again. The trauma of just those 4 days took something out of him.
Trauma and exhaustion seems to kill something inside of a person if it goes on too long.
Don't let trauma and exhaustion and heartache and fear....go on too long in your life. Walk toward some GOOD in life. Don't try to lower yourself FOR someone who is traumatic to you too long. It will kill something inside of you that you will miss and you will never re-gain.
Walk TOWARD: people you can trust, people you admire, people whose lives are what you want your life to be like.
Walk AWAY: people who you need to lower yourself, people you need to stuff you greatness because you don't want them to feel bad about your goodness or abilities, people who make you crazy, felling alone and in trauma.
For those of you who don't know me.....I have been married to an ADD, self centered, self-entitled man for over 40 years. Unless your spouse gives to you as much as you give to him.....things will not get better for you in the relationship.
Vote for the future, not for the past
Submitted by jennalemone on
Jack Kennedy said, "Vote for the future, not for the past". A lot of my life I had been voting for the past. Past roles, past laws, past relationships, old culture, old beliefs,...believing that my past was a part of who I was and I should honor and be true to those in my upbringing and my past. Now I realize that I was not envisioning the future of what "could be". Rather I was living in muck of where I was stuck....like a victim. Kennedy voted for the future because he was able to dream...like Martin Luther King. Maybe it is I who has not been able to oblige growth and change. Since the only one I can change is myself, it is myself who needs to turn around and look forward for my life and my children's lives. What COULD be? How would that look? I need to stop making myself small because of how I was taught to obey too much. It is not a question of what do I want. it is a question of what COULD BE.
Yes
Submitted by vabeachgal on
The trauma of just those 4 days took something out of him.
Trauma and exhaustion seems to kill something inside of a person if it goes on too long.
Those are very wise words. These last two years have been especially difficult. Something tipped the balance for me, not just one thing, but the totality of the experience. My husband has done some things and made some decisions with very lasting negative impact. I came to find out that I wasn't valued as I should be. That realization creates a bottom of the pit feeling inside. I am not the same person I was beforehand and I won't ever be again. My husband expects me to forget everything and bounce back. I can't. It is very sad. I had been the person I thought I should be - supportive, loving, forgiving, helpful, ever patient and kind - now? Now I have to figure out who I want to be. The same people who tell you "how to be" based on whatever foundation they are coming from don't tell you that there may be people in your life who will completely take advantage of you and they don't tell you how to find your way back home.
V - I could not agree more.
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
V - I could not agree more. That is a great way to put it - the balance tipping. My balanced tipped about 2 months ago - and for the first time in a long time, I am finally figuring out who *I* am NOT in context to H's issues. I hope that makes sense?
I have found myself again, and I am not letting go if this lifeline. You are right - people dont know what its like to live with someone who just .... refuses... with a smile on their face even. It makes me sad. But I will get over being sad. I will get through my resentment and anger, and a year from now - I imagine I will be living a very different life. One with peace in it I hope, one with out this insane amount of stress from never every being able to relax and be secure.
I think my H has actually been very good about me dealing with my issues from the anger resutling from his treatment of me. He didnt bat an eyelash when I told him that it was going to take me a while, and that I might react strongly should there be any hint of behavior that he promised he would not do. But he does somehow expect me to be happy and fine with the threats of leaving all the time - when to me that is WORSE. I think it creates a terrible trauma, and its absolutely exhausting. I know that I have many symptoms of PTSD after 7 years of this. I have to rescue and save myself from it.
The exhaustion I feel - its to the core, right down to my bones. I think that those of use married to denied, non managed, untreated ADHD spouses (especially when in combination with CSA impact, depression, or something like bi-polar etc) do experience trauma. REAL, serious, dangerous to ourselves trauma.
FINDING HOME
Submitted by jennalemone on
I was stuck for a long time with the idea that I wanted to be "nice" and I did not want to appear selfish. Well, there are people who feed on nice people and take advantage of nice people and don't give back to nice people. And sometimes those feeders are very charming but they don't respect nice people.
Being nice in oppressive situations only causes a person to be treated badly more often. We get drained and resentful and are dumbfounded on what happened to us. We thought by giving, loving, contributing to the world of love that somehow karma would be heightened and we would be blessed with love in return. Nay, Nay.
HOW TO FIND YOUR WAY BACK HOME. When I reflect on my successes and failures, it almost always speaks to this.....YOU ARE THE COMPANY YOU KEEP. Home, for me, when I want those feelings of self respect, trust, dignity, safety, comfort, I think of people in my history who, when I looked into their faces, I saw myself as a person appreciated and part of a positive community. I would feel like I belonged and was welcomed in their presence and was proud to be in their presence. When those people saw me, they greeted me with a smile and I felt "home". My successes stemmed from having a good acquaintance, friend, neighbor who introduced me to more good people who opened doors to opportunity and community.
My failures came from lowering my standards trying to "fit in" because it seemed there was no alternative. My failures occurred when I drifted along with a flow with people who were not on my same journey and I got swept up in their journey only to be discarded at the end or feel shameful because I was a follower of something i didn't believe in myself. There was a time when I thought I wanted to be around people less than me because i was insecure and I thought that they would like me without too much effort on my part. I sunk low in doing that. I was slumming and I was telling myself that I didn't want to appear to be a snob or too picky or "better than". I was afraid of appearing unloving/condescending/arrogant. So i became servile/retiring/unassuming/menial and lowly. This is NOT who I started out to be. It is now time to get my juju back or die in the shame I feel for myself.
WHAT COULD BE is me having and holding a vision of WHAT COULD BE and giving myself the benefit of my own strength, vision and goals. I was not strong for a while (believing that I was SUPPOSED to be a help-mate to my husband and God forbid - not a diva) and that led me to a place I didn't want to be for a long time but I couldn't see my way out of it. The place to start being the person I truly am and want to be is to find people who look, act, and speak like a person who I want to be - who are more LIKE ME. People who are in situations and position where I would feel like belonged and could be proud to be there.
Right now, even at this older age, I am joining groups of like-minded people. I am pulling myself UP so that some day I may like myself again.
Well said Jenna! And you
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Well said Jenna! And you know - change and success can come at ANY age.
I think you really have something there - about being around people who have attained the characteristics you want for yourself. What ever that is. Self respect, kindness, courage, honor, honesty, determination, openness, dignity - all the things I value in others and strive for in myself. I want to be with and around people like that. Those are the things I really want in a spouse too.
Like you, I have found myself turning into something I never wanted to be in this relationship. I found myself having to parent the man I wanted to be a partner too. I HATED having to ask him to just "do his part" - the things that most adults do already on their own. Example - I worried about his hygiene because he just wont brush his teeth - this from a man who has had TERRIBLE dental issues, has crowns and had to go through 6 hours of teeth cleaning just to rescue his gums. he had to use a special mouthwash for a MONTH to stave off infection. I begged him to brush his teeth - got him special toothpaste, brushes, everything I could think of that he wanted to make it 'fun', or 'cool' - he is addicted to new stuff. He doesnt brush his teeth still. He knows better - he doesnt think that it will matter. He knows better than the dentists and everyone else. I gave up a long time ago on that effort. I dont want to be his mommy. And when i found myself having to do things like ask him to complete his chores, brush his teeth, etc... it freaked me right out! I had become what my nightmare was as a wife.
I also found myself struggling with anger and depression. its not all related to my H, I have been through alot... more than anyone should go through in such a short amount of time. And I went through it with little to no support from anyone except for my H's mother. (Thank god for H's mother - she was a lifeline to me so many times... and literally she was almost my sole support through so many things). But the one person who SHOULD have been there, well he was more concerned with his needs and his wants, and felt that he wasnt up to being a husband in the tough times. I know that he has his own struggles, and I know the experiences I have endured probably triggered alot of memories and pain for him. But he is my husband, and I would expect him to be there for me like I have been there for him.
Jenna - I like what you said about seeking those who make you feel "home". With all the changes I am making, I think that will be the thing I work on hardest. I dont want to be around people who dont want to be around me. The ones who make me feel...less. This is an opportunity for me to really become MORE, to stop the bad behaviors on my part, to really resolve my anger, my frustration so that I dont carry it to anyone else. I dont have to be nice to anyone. And while I am polite to my soon to be ex H, I dont have to bow to his every whim and desire anymore. His life is his life and he can make any choice he wants. But I dont have to let it harm or hurt me anymore. I have bigger and better things on the horizon.
I hope that while he is here, he will continue some of the pretty amazing things he has picked up in the last two weeks. I dont know what changed in him, or what clicked - but he has been doing projects and accomplishing alot! I know that has to make him feel good? He has also in the last 2 days started working out... Maybe seeing me get up on my elliptical every day inspired him? I dont know - I doubt it - he doesnt even SEE me. I am not sure where it came from, but I am not going to complain or do anything to rock that boat. I want him to keep it up, to build up his skills in functioning as an adult. To do things that will HELP himself. Its the last best thing I can do for him. Even though he has treated me poorly, and even though he has decided that the monsters in his head are worth more than me and our life as a family, it doesnt mean that I have to return that vile and foul attitude of those monsters. The ghosts of the people who abused him as a child haunt him and taunt him every day. And i wont let them turn me into what they are. Because I am NOT them no matter how much H puts me in the box with them in his head, and I truly DO love my H, even though I I know he doesnt return that love and I am letting him walk out the door with out doing anything to stop him. I want him to win in life. He is leaving and I am OK with it.
I will not allow myself to fall into that trap of hate and bitterness, because I refuse to let his monsters harm ME anymore too. I dont have to be nice and bend over backwards, but I also dont have to lower myself and be cruel.
Thanks for your post Jenna! It really really helped my head! :-)
I know this is rambly - and alot of this is me just putting my thoughts out. :-)
I will reflect
Submitted by vabeachgal on
I will reflect on these words. I've been making a conscious effort to add people to my life as you describe here and it's been wonderful. I need it but it takes effort. I was also raised not to be a diva or demanding or "uppity". "Good behavior" was supposed to be it's own reward and good was supposed to come from it. I guess Karma doesn't truly work that way, see below....
Real life experience from last night:
Background information: We went to dinner with one of my husband's old childhood friends. The wife WAS a dental hygenist. She was arrested 3 - THREE times - for prescription fraud. She was abusing prescription drugs while caring for her children. By the third time, she lost her license to practice and was jailed for 6 months. The first time she went to rehab, insurance covered it, but not the next two times she spent 60 days at a time in rehab. (cha ching)
She is unemployable.
At dinner, she mentioned she got a new, very, very nice SUV, jewelry (very nice) for her 50th birthday and a 3 week trip to national parks with the family.....(my husband suggested Ruby Tuesday for my 50th birthday - no joke)
Her husband interjected and said that he was happy to do all he could and provide all he could because she "does so much" for the family. I gently asked...more or less said, sure, it's a lot to do the following.... so, she grocery shops, cooks, cleans the house, does all the laundry, manages the kids' school and activities, medical and dental, vacations, gift shopping, taxes, home improvements..... the whole 9 yards??
No.... husband handles sports, takes her on weekly dates, helps clean, does his own laundry, plans the trips, goes grocery shopping with her and half the cooking and it goes on and on.
I was absolutely DUMBFOUNDED!!!! I am not cherished for all that I do. I will clarify that I don't mean material things; I mean recognized for contributions. I can't even begin to imagine being cherished like that after malfeasance. The things her husband described as "doing so much" were the basic expectations for me. Huh?
I know I shouldn't compare. I know I don't know what goes on behind closed doors. I know I should worry about my life and nobody else's. I am just venting.
But... talking about isolation? It is extremely unlikely I will feel the "need" to go out with that couple again. I felt horrible. Do any of you feel that way? Before anyone calls me out on it, I know I am being somewhat immature and childish about this. Do circumstances like this, where you end up feeling like the red headed stepchild affect anyone else out there? Like you can't even explain to others why your married life with never look anything like a 50/50 split or why there is such a profound lack of appreciation? Like you feel you've done so much and then life slaps you in the face?
What do you say? My husband piped in with some promise or other (I don't even remember what it was) so he would look better. What do you do? It is disloyal to call him out on it. I knew it was a promise not to be kept but it sounded good. It ruined my evening because I had a choice. Call him out or suck it up and feel kind of angry inside. I don't want to put it all out there for others to judge, so I just end up feeling icky inside. I have one real live person I talk to about all of this. There I was, feeling grossly underappreciated and there's my husband, making some promise that will never materialize, but he MEANS it - now.
My husband's response? "She's a bitch." Oh, okay. I'm not and......?
Sorry guys, I took this really off topic. It really irritated me.
" I felt horrible. Do any of
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
" I felt horrible. Do any of you feel that way? "
GOD YES. I feel that way ALL THE TIME. And I hate it... I feel it every time I see one of my friends being loved and adored by their mate. When I read on FB loving posts that they make about eachother, or about the new thoughtful gift recieved from their spouse (to me - its not what the gift it, its the thought that they mattered enough for the effort!! ). I mean, I dont resent them for those things - I am truly happy for them and grateful for the joy they are experiencing with eachother. But I know that my H doesnt view me that way. He doesnt think about what he can do for others, he thinks about what he can get for himself.
When my husband and I first got together, there was alot of talk about all the things he wanted to shower me with, flowers on random days, romantic walks in the evening, falling asleep in eachothers arms - all the things I would wish for. I feel extremely unloved, unvalued. For me, my love language is physical touch and words of affirmation. I get neither. H would rather not even sit next to me. Oh he will in public when its required (like at a theater etc) but the gymnastics he goes through to avoid touching me.... you cant even believe how that makes me feel. Like I am some sort of untouchable reptile. But he will sit with his arm around his daughter (expected! this is a VERY GOOD THING - he needs to shower her with love) and he will sit next to female friends and put his arm around them.
I always thought it would be nice to hold someone's hand in a movie. I held husbands hand 1 time, and it was so uncomfortable that I stopped with in just a couple of minutes. I could not bear the humiliation.
So yeah - you are not alone, I feel it too. And its part of what I am looking forward to when he leaves. That I will no longer feel like a diseased untouchable reptile every day. No more watching him move away from me if I am somehow standing too close (with in 5 feet he practically runs from me). No more wondering if he will forget yet another anniversary... I say that with only having FOUR of them with him so far - Oct would be our 5th. No more hoping that he shows up with flowers (hell they could be picked from the weeds of our own yard and I would love them - he could bring me a dandylion to make wishes from and I would think it was the sweetest romantic gesture ever). No more thinking that he would put his arm around me at the movies or at any other place we have to sit next to eachother. No more awkward hugs and forced kisses from someone who I CLEARLY can see wants absolutely nothing to do with touching me at all.
There are few words of comfort. Yesterday he did aknoweledge that me transferring ownership of the vehicle I owned with my late husband to my niece was going to be emotionally difficult. Thats the extent of his emotional support. I am grateful for it - I am glad that he can at least SEE it. But he doesnt nothing about it. He wouldnt know what to do - not realizing that just a simple hug and telling me things will be ok, tomorrow will be easier would make all the difference of night and day to me. HOwever, he can be very emotionally comforting to his daughter. It hurst me to see it - not that he is giving her comfort - I am GLAD he does, but that proves to me he is fully aware and capable of doing it - and he just CHOOSES not to for me.... his wife... who he clearly despises and puts me in the box with the monsters in his head. That he knows what to do but wont because it repulses him.
His words to me instead of being affirming are threatening. "I dont know if I am going to stay in this marriage" "I only want to be married when I am in a good mood" "I dont think I can be a husband" "lie lie lie lie lie". I could probably count with my fingers the times he has called be beautiful or complimented me (un prompted). Oh he did a million times a day back when we were still long distance (at least until the first time we were actually together physically - that should probably tell me everything I need to know, but yet I persist).
Anyway - you are not alone, and NO !!!! YOU ARE NOT CHILDISH OR IMMATURE!!!!! GOD no. You are a human being who gave their all and got little to nothing in return. OF COURSE you feel that way. Of course *I* feel that way. Anytime someone you love and sacrifice for doesnt return even a fraction of that - of COURSE it will hurt, of course it will irritate you to see someone who so clearly is adored but who so clearly hasnt earned it from your perspective its going to bother you. But you know what? I bet you money that at some point, another couple were sitting accross from you and your husband while you gushed about HIM, thinking to themselves how much HE didnt deserve it. little comfort I know. But Karma is a real thing - and just because Karma hasnt hit yet doesnt mean it wont.
FINDING HOME at home
Submitted by jennalemone on
In addition and maybe even more important...what I wish I had known then what I know now.... is this: I wish I would have let myself see the blessings I had of my children. While I FELT the love and gratitude for them all along, I did not fight the stress and overwhelming responsibility of making a home and my feelings of rejection, disappointment and resentment towards my "partner" in my marriage.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have spent more time with my children, loving on them. Hugging, looking into their beautiful, waiting eyes and smiling back at them with approval and encouragement, showing them what STRONG looks like. Repeating mantras of courage and dignity and joy.
I would have made their home with me in their hearts more. I am not saying I didn't ever do that, but what was modeled for me at home in my childhood was that children were tools to get the work done on the farm and make the food and household run together. I worked at making our home a home of love, but wish I had gone further than that. I was working full time or part time always and had all the responsibility for the bills, cleaning, food, parenting.....like a single woman but with an extra paycheck to pay the bills.
If I knew then what I know now, I would not have tried so hard to have the marriage I thought it SHOULD be. That was an impossible dream with H and me, I now see. No amount of compromising, praying, sex, supporting, directing, drama was going to change him to commit to the marriage. I would have made my children "home" and not tried so hard to include H. I would have thrown away the idea of romance and "walking into the sunset" out the window and changed my thinking to ... I love my children and I love myself enough to not let another person bring us all down to his level. My children seem to love (or accept) their dad but see me as the overrwhaut workhorse who cleans up after the event she put out for their enjoyment....while THEY, together go drink beer and laught and relax while I am in the kitchen alone.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have made planning and cleaning a family event and no one leaves the event without doing it together. Why didn't I? It was thought in the days that kitchen work was women's work and I thought the work I did showed them my love....it didn't....it showed them that the dishes and cleaning and shopping and work was more important than them.
My children were my home. I should have relaxed in that more, listened more, hugged more, laughed more.
oh my jenna.....
Submitted by Zapp10 on
This is where I can go into so much regret......my girls.
The older one "paid" more of a price than the younger one. The oldest SAW the man goes to work and the woman does the rest. She rebelled against that and held her ground. She would not "help" because she saw it as her dad deciding it because she was female (she was too young to understand what was going on....hell..I didn't even know).She couldn't understand pitching in and helping others is something everyone does because......her dad didn't. She was defying him not me....I saw that. Years later she wrote a few college papers on the gender role thing...using us as her examples. Her dad came off as the typical sexist male and I came off as weak, doing my duty. After she died I found these papers in her "effects" and showed them to him. He did not like what he read.....and it changed nothing. But by then I had changed....not completely on top of things but getting there.
Now...that I AM HERE........there is so much I could have done better.....sometimes way too many things.....
Oh to go back for one moment in time and tell her again how sorry I am for the mistakes I made....as a mother. You have spoken for me today Jenna.
Zapp
Submitted by jennalemone on
We did what we could with what we had and with what we knew. We didn't have crystal balls to know what we know now. We did good. We did really good. I am so sorry you lost your daughter. I can't imagine what you went through. I am SURE she knew, that she knows your heart. I think children know more than we realize. And Life/God/Faith knows us more than we realize. We all didn't have the words then and we were trying to keep all the balls in the air so none dropped....and the balls were being thrown all over the place. Have peace, Zapp. We all get to stop the shame/blame/regret/resentment game we inherited and tell ourselves a story that gives us and our loved ones a happy ending.
You sound like my ex....lol
Submitted by Furby withbentears on
You sound like my ex....lol
Wishing you well, Jenna
Submitted by NowOrNever (not verified) on
You have courage and tell the truth. So often you write it. Wishing you well, today and in your passage.
Your first post led me to thinking about loneliness in this kind of relation. Loneliness is guaranteed if the proportions of the relating are.way out of balance. It's probably a therapeutic heresy, but I visit this site for myself, first and foremost, not for my husband or my marriage. I do that for several reasons, a big one being that is offline things were all out of whack. He was being attended to, his needs were demanding it and I was giving, but I was increasingly invisible, stepped over and exhausted. even in a relation with someone who is trying hard, as I am, the tug toward him, and the depletion of my wellbeing at first was so drastic, that I quickly became isolated by his needs, demands and our necessary ways.
I went through a fiasco of a few therapeutic sessions that I initiated to get help for mys lf, with the stress and sadness at discovering and worrying at what loomed bigger and bigger in my life, only to have the therapist, who declared herself a specialist in ADHD, marital relations and CBT, lock onto my absent husband, ask me questions and interrupt me before I got half of the first sentence out, jump crazily from topic to topic, ask me to write things, and then never read them, but the dominant pattern of our sessions was that she only wanted to talk about my husband. In the session after which I called it quits, she kept calling me by my husband's first name. Did she have ADHD? It's a possibility...that obsessive interruption of questions she had just asked, and zigging from one topic to another one made it look that way. The result was more of that astonishing wall of Isolation, when all that gets attended to, or thought about, professionally or personally, is the ADHD person's needs and concerns, in a relation that putatively is supposed to be about more than one person.
There's so much loneliness is this kind of relation, Jenna. You write that one needs to seek to be with strong loving people, that constantly being with ones that arent or who are self centered breaks a person down. That's so true. If I didnt have one friend with a very kind heart, who believed me when I described things, and who told me that I needed someone I could talk with, and that she would stick with me on it, even though she knew nothing of ADHD, I dont know what I'd do. The sheer loneliness of living with a deeply selfcentered person...and my husband is a beautiful person who does care and isnt a practicing narcissist..yet...he cant see me very well, not as well as other people without neurologically driven self focus...the sheer weight of struggling on, unreciprocated, in increasing loneliness, is a crushing thing. Had I not been through some very hard times in earlier life in which I had hit absolute bottom, and stayed there until with Gods help I started on a very long way up, and had that one lovely friend who listened been there, I'd be in worse shape than I am. This life is not easy and its not going to be easy.
To me, Jenna, the isolation itself presses down. Its harder to hope for a future in it. I so respect your strength in taking your steps now...one..by...one toward your good. YOUR good. Yes, I agree, past can be let go. It can. You've taught me so much. If I couldnt learn from you and others here, I would be lonelier and more at sea, all right.
I do think the enforced loneliness of these marital relations needs exactly what you said, choosing time and contact with those who are open to you and at work on growing, themselves.
Thank you, Jenna
Now
After 17 years of marriage to
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
After 17 years of marriage to a manipulative abusive and controlling man, I finally got away. I am with someone who gives to me as well as I give to him.
Thank you jennalemone for posting.
Adele- I am so glad to hear
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Adele- I am so glad to hear that you have found peace and love after all of this. It sure can feel like the end of everything when you are still IN it, and even when like me - you are working on the exit. Its good to know there is hope and LIFE out there.... <3
The Irony ...... Jenna
Submitted by kellyj on
It will kill something inside of you that you will miss and you will never re-gain.
What you wrote here Jenna can be a self fullfilling prophesy for you if you don't do something to change this. You will never re-gain what you've lost if YOU allow that to happen.
The irony of this comes from happens to people with diagnosed ADHD and the trauma in their lives has killed that inside them and they've never re-gained it back. The effect of this can get carried forward to you as it sounds like it has in your relationship and onto to you now. If you want to move forward yourself....you can't take that with you or you will end up the same...in the same place as your husband is now if you can't find a way to re-gain it back for yourself.
You will pay that forward if you don't stop this now for yourself. The buck stops here.
If you believe this will never happen as you said (I know in context you meant with your H ) but what I'm saying is true. It will go with you if you don't do some things to make sure it doesn't.
Revenge. Don't act upon or do anything from a place of revenge or getting even. In fact...any time you feel like taking revenge....stop yourself and consider that revenge is from hatred. It's serves you less than the person you are angry with and it won't make you feel better to think that he must pay for how he's hurt you. You have to keep that from creeping into your thoughts because hatred is actually creeping into your thought when ever you think of revenge or retaliation to get back....or get even. There is no getting even.
What you said will never happen (as you said it ) if this is in your thinking at all......ever. It is human to feel it and you would not be normal not to. Getting rid of the feeling is what you need to do. If you can't get rid of it...it will never happen and you will not be able to move forward whether you leave, stay or otherwise. If you can keep what I said about why your husband ended up the way he did....it will make it hard to hate him for what he's done to you as in the trauma you feel from it.
As it has been said to me. A person who breaks into your car at night to steal your things from it (or your car itself)....could care less about you and how that hurts you but it's also not personal. They're not interested in you or how they are hurting you....but their intention is never to hurt you directly. That's not why they do it. They do it to get what they want out of your car and YOU....are not even in their thinking what so ever. It's not about you it's not personal at all. They're car thieves.....it's what they do.
The same applies to your husband Jenna. He didn't set out with a plan to hurt you or traumatize you....he was just thinking more about himself and what he wanted...than he was about you which is the same thing. How he got that way....will help you keep things in their proper perspective so you can leave it and move on without the anger and hatred that can creep into your thoughts as you see the rode ahead of you.
The last thing you want to do...is take any of that with you down that rode. It will only weigh you down. If you don't think this is true.....then you are expecting too much of yourself there too.
You need to give yourself permission (no one can do that for you ) to be angry but then move on. Denial of your anger and these thoughts that creep in will be the thing that will cause this to happen.
I remember Jimmy Carter...repenting publicly because he had sinned and thought about other women in a sexual context. Horse shit!!!!! That's way too much to ask of anyone and he was just a man like anyone else.
Feeling remorse and guilt for being human is a bad rode to go down. Like your new minister said....these teachings are there to cripple you and make you feel miserable for not being a Holy Monk devoted to a life of silence and prayer and renouncing everything of this world in an effort to be closer to God. That's their choice to do it....it's not saying you have to and it's not the goal for anyone else to live like that... it means nothing in terms of just being a normal person with normal emotions and feelings.
While I agree with you on going towards the GOOD and going away from the bad...you will take the bad with you if you don't leave right where it is in the here and now. There is only NOW even if the future. What ever you feel like NOW will be the same in the future if you don't change it at some point in time. I don't mean you just drop it off a cliff and say goodbye to it....it doesn't work that way.
But as I said about my dear old Mom and her big mistake....was to put a bow on everything and call it GOOD. Those feelings aren't good ones but it's normal to feel that way at times. You wouldn't be human if you didn't.
Don't put a bow on them and think it fine and all better. If you do that ...you'll be take'in it with you and pretending it's all Okay when it's not. Don't be like Jimmy Carter...and feel bad and guilty for being human. You'll never be able to forgive yourself if you can't see the bad that's in all of us and then do something about it.
And if you can't forgive yourself....you won't be able to forgive your husband and move forward with or without him and do what you're proposing. Don't say never or it will never happen. You don't have to defend what you said in context. I know what you meant and how you said it. I'm just say'in:)
J
I have to say - I still agree
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I have to say - I still agree with Jenna. You do loose something. I have lost so much because of this relationship. Stuff i will never get back, and I do NOT think it was worth it by a long shot.
What I and Jenna, and Liz and Dede and countless others on here CAN do is build something new, get rid of the bad that has washed up on our shores, purge those things that hurt us, rebuild our own peace and live a life we choose. I can say personally - my innocence about love and life will never come back. I will never be able to NOT QUESTION things now that I never considered previously.
But just because I have lost - it doesnt mean I cannot gain something new, maybe something better - something more nuanced and definitely stronger. I try to look at my own personal losses as something to build on, I know how to protect myself better, I know what I will NOT tolorate any longer, I know what I really do want.
Can't Get Stuff Back
Submitted by kellyj on
But you can get the feeling Jenna was lamenting about back even if it's now and it's different. That feeling was from a different person a long long time ago. But it won't be any less GOOD than it was back then. Better...actually.
You won't know that until you get there however. Can't prove a negative or something you don't have now right? All you know is what you have and what you've lost. You can't know what you will have in the future. (no could have...would have....should have's in the future? )
Never ends it right here so why even try right?????????????????
J
I see what you mean - truly I
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I see what you mean - truly I do. But I do think it swings both ways. I very much lament what I have lost. It breaks my heart that I was so careless with my own heart and my own life. I lament that I listened to my heart and NOT my head OR my instinct and stayed and fought and did the work - the whole time thinking that HE was doing the same thing - but it was all lies.
I do cry for that. i cry for the person who lost so much. But I also know that my future holds much. I know that I am stronger because of the journey I have been through. The past 6 years probably should have put me in an institution. But it didnt. It doesnt mean that i cant recognize that if I dont get out NOW I will loose alot more - and like Jenna said - maybe i wont ever get out of it or past it if I dont rescue myself.
I am my own knight in shining armor LOL. I am my own dragon slayer.
Wow
Submitted by Shalott on
This is serious food for thought. It's also a little light in a dark place. Thanks for sharing this.