Our kids have adhd. My H has adhd. I’m fighting for health in this family. The wheels came off everything, and in looking for help from professionals, we realized our kids have adhd, which led to the realization my H did, too. Cliche story, right?
I’ve been doing so much to try to give my kids a better life than what my H has lived. Therapists, psychiatrists, meds, good diet, supplements, exercise, charts, routine, etc. But sometimes it feels like it will never ever be enough and between my H and my kids, I feel like I’ve been through the ringer.
Some days are better, some are worse, but it is a rare day when things are peaceful. I’m so burned out. I’m tired of emotional outbursts. I’m tired of adhd kids having screaming matches. I’m tired of playing family therapist. I’m tired of teaching them the same skills over and over. I’m tired of their extreme emotions. And I’m tired of the conflict between my H and them. I’m tired of him being guilty of the same crud they are, but him playing the role of lecturer who doesn’t see his own behavior. Did I say I’m tired?
All this constant stress is hard. I used to think (when they were all adorable and tiny) that the day they all moved out was going to be SO sad. I know I will still be sad, but it will be mixed with some relief, and I hate that. Motherhood and marriage feels like a war zone.
BTDT
Submitted by barneyarff on
BTDT
You have my sympathies. It is really really hard. The stress will jeopardize your health. I'm sure the stress of being the only non in the house contributed to me having cancer.
If you can find a really good therapist who will acknowledge that you are in a tight spot and hang with you while you sort it out, it might be helpful.
And it is a big relief when the kids leave. Frankly I didn't feel sorry at all. And 6 months ago I moved out of the house and slowly, ever so slowly I am finding myself and finding health and joy. Wish I had a magical solution for you. I don't. I do notice that for me, the more I let all of my family stew in their own juices, and have to take the bumps and bruises of their behavior, the more at peace I get. Now mind you for a long time, they will up the anti on the foolishness they will do. And they ain't done yet. But the more I practice mindfullness and let them experience their consequences the better off I am. Hopefully they won't escalate their nonsense to atomic level. Even then I think I'd let them blow themselves up. Just please don't lose your health over this. Find a way to save yourself.
Don't count your chickens
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
They may have to move back in after their independent ADHD disasters.
<snort>
Submitted by barneyarff on
<snort>
That has already happened. After stealing our cars and our money and getting into trouble with the cops, our son "ran away" Both my husband and I swore he could never ever live with us. This fall he called asking to move back in. I would have said oh hell no. However I wasn't living at the house anymore. My husband let him move in without any agreement as to expectations. Hence, the leaving his dog at the house while he is gone for days at a time staying with friends. Pays no rent. Both complain that the other is messy. I can hardly stand going over there. because the stench from uncleaned dog pee wafts throughout the house. And there is a mess everywhere. If those two would spend as much time picking up as they do complaining, the house would be livable.
I have no idea why my husband let him back in. I knew what it would be like but...... there ya go.
And it is worse because they are very manipulative
Submitted by adhd32 on
DS was undiagnosed until he was an adult. He was dreamy and spacey but I never suspected ADD since he was a top student, even receiving generous scholarship offers. I worked full time while he and my DD were growing up and we had a very regimented daily routine where things were prepared at night for the next day, set dinner time, etc. DS went away to college and was able to maintain good grades while working on campus 15 hours per week as I was paying his tuition and told him he was on his own for spending money. He was always a slob at home but I nipped the hoarding in the bud before it got out of control by requiring certain chores be done before fun on the weekend. I was horrified to see the condition of his dorm room after the first semester break when I took him back to school. Things went on like this the first 2 years until he moved into an on campus apartment year 3 and was asked to make other living arrangements the following year because he did not contribute to housekeeping or dishes, kept his room a mess, and he had people over every weekend utilizing the common area for video games and socializing until all hours while the other roommates had commitments the next day. He was devastated and blamed everyone else saying they didn't know how to have fun. Senior year arrives and true to form his new roommates wait until the beginning of August to start looking for an apartment. They rented the only rundown place they could find. DS allowed them to do all the work even though he was available and could have been involved and then complained about the place. Stupidly I tried to get him to see that HE was the problem. Winter break of senior year he came home and was clearly depressed. I help him find a therapist back at school who he saw weekly upon return for final semester who was paid out of pocket and cost a fortune. He didn't do anything recommended like exercise etc and the ADD was never addressed. The therapist was a faculty member at the Ivy League university in town and I had many conversations with her about DS's progress. She never mentioned ADD as a possible diagnosis to me even though I met with her first for background and all the signs were mentioned. She said he was depressed. So much for high end degrees and Ivy League pedigree.
DS graduated and moved home. Once he came home it was one argument after another for him to get a job, any job. He freelanced here and there and was rarely called back due to his lack of focus. He used the depression diagnosis as an excuse whenever he could. He finally got a temporary job in a local store. I said he needed to go back to therapy if he wanted to stay and he went a few times to someone he didn't like but he was too lazy to look for someone else. Finally a friend recommended him for a job in the mid-west so he moved 8 states away and we breathed a sigh of relief. In the 2nd month there he got a speeding ticket (probably late for work) his excuse was the speed limit on that road is ridiculously slow. In the 4th month he got a DUI, called to tell me and I laced into him because I was emotionally spent from a bad time at home and drunk driving is something unforgivable to me. I told him he was on his own as far as the whole deal went. He hired a lawyer and had someone to direct him and make appearances for him. He got another speeding ticket several months later before the resolution of his case. He was asked to resign a week before the first yearly review and 9 months before the resolution of the case. At some point he went off his medication and sat on his butt and did not look for work. He ended up pleading guilty and lost his license for 6 months and had to do alcohol counseling which he registered for by the skin of his teeth after the agency contacted him several times. He had to beg for rides or take the bus. No income (finally applied for unemployment once he was running out of money), no license, no transportation. The friends he was with scattered like roaches; the friend who got him the job ghosted him long before. He was stuck in that state until he got his license back. Downward spiral started 4 months after leaving home.
He packed up and moved home promising he learned his lesson and would do better. He got a temp job 2 months later which he loved, great hours, easy commute. The job ended 5 months later as scheduled. Next got a job at a non profit which had low pay and a terrible commute. The temp job had a new permanent position announced which he assumed would be his but they didn't hire him and he blamed some nemesis because he was a shoe-in. I said nothing and he continued at the non profit. The rejection from the job he wanted and decent health coverage was enough to get him to see a specialist in ADD and he was finally diagnosed and medicated. Since he had a job and the ADD was being addressed we finally gave him a time limit. His living habits were driving us crazy from the sleeping all day on the weekends, the messes, and his general surliness and lots of unfinished business. He moved in with his girlfriend at 29 years old and continues live by the seat of his pants.