A couple weeks ago, our couples therapist asked what would make me feel more loved. I said consideration, with the example that I should not have had to do all of the leaf raking with my bad shoulders. My wife responded that she would but I needed to remind her. I pointed out that she had offered to help, then said she would help after the she did something in the kitchen, then said that she thought (finally) taking down the Halloween decorations was all the help I needed, and did not rake any leaves. I reminded her several times.
Our bed was covered with my wife's clothes that needed to be put away last night. I had been feeling very tired since Saturday night and had made her aware that I needed to get to bed early. Our son did his usual sneaking of electronics, setting off a fight between them. I reminded my wife that I was not feeling well and needed to get to sleep. She continued fighting with him even when the argument wasn't going anywhere. "OK, you're sorry. What does 'sorry' mean?" I reminded her several times I needed to get to sleep because I did not feel well. Besides the clothes covering the bed, the noise made it impossible for me to sleep. The fight lasted a long time and she finally cleared her stuff off the bed. (She claims she "wrapped it up" right after I said I needed to get to sleep.) I went to bed. And then she read very loudly to our daughter--so loud that at first I thought she was fighting with our son again.
This morning, she said she was sorry and promised it would not happen again. Given her fight with our son last night, I could have asked her what "sorry" and "promise" mean.
Here's one of the great kickers about when she is inconsiderate about my need for sleep. I get up at 5:30 on workdays. She almost always asks me to let her sleep until 6. Then she runs late and gets angry. I have told her that I would feel less resentful of her sleeping longer if she let me get to bed on time.
The constant need to be
Submitted by Libby on
The constant need to be reminded drives me up a wall. I get told the same thing by my DH . Remind me he says. Ok but when I do he blows a gasket because he takes it as being told what to do and that does not fly. Or he picks t me because I verbally reminded instead of writing it down for him. How far are we supposed to go with this Reminding stuff? It's like I am expected to function as his brain....
Delegate to Alexa?
Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on
The Amazon Alexa bot now has a reminder function that you can set geo-tag locations on. And there's an app for the phone. So you can say, "Alexa, remind me when I get home to do X,Y,Z" and it will remind you with a notification when you enter whatever location you have set as home. If you're at home and say, "remind me in half an hour to do, X" it will verbally say it on the Alexa home device speakers. I say delegate whatever possible to an alternate source so you're not the source of anger when doing the reminding. My husband also relies really heavily on google calendar reminders on his phone, and has done for ages, which he sets himself. Worth a try?
The constant need to be
Submitted by Libby on
The constant need to be reminded drives me up a wall. I get told the same thing by my DH . Remind me he says. Ok but when I do he blows a gasket because he takes it as being told what to do and that does not fly. Or he picks t me because I verbally reminded instead of writing it down for him. How far are we supposed to go with this Reminding stuff? It's like I am expected to function as his brain....
The constant need to be
Submitted by Libby on
The constant need to be reminded drives me up a wall. I get told the same thing by my DH . Remind me he says. Ok but when I do he blows a gasket because he takes it as being told what to do and that does not fly. Or he picks t me because I verbally reminded instead of writing it down for him. How far are we supposed to go with this Reminding stuff? It's like I am expected to function as his brain....
Being asked to remind my DH
Submitted by Libby on
Being asked to remind my DH drives me up a wall. It is a no win situation as he takes any reminders as being told what to do and that does not fly. Or he picks over how he was reminded as in why didn't I write it down instead of saying it. It's crazy making. I'm tired of having to function as his brain...
Not only that, but
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
1) The reminder has no effect. She is angry and the most important thing is lecturing our son (which she theoretically knows is counterproductive, but it feels right.)
2) The whole idea of being considerate is to consider someone's feelings. Needing to be reminded to be considerate is, well, inconsiderate.
Oh my goodness. Not sure how
Submitted by Libby on
Oh my goodness. Not sure how I ended up posting all those replies. How do I delete them?
The Internet forgives you...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Libby, don't sweat it. Strange things happen to everyone sometimes. Have a drink instead. Lol.
Boundaries....
Submitted by c ur self on
Man you need to set her down and put some boundaries in place, in the worst kind of way...Until you allow her to suffer (be subject to her own choices, priorities, and life style) for not being a responsible adult, you will never have any peace....You have lost any ability to receive consideration from her, based on the dynamic that you currently have going (based your posts) ....That is why you are getting all the sorry's and useless promises....I get them also, I had to force myself to STOP running interference for someone who has no ability for self discipline....You keep doing what I did for years....Asking for something that just isn't available!
We know we are messed up when we can't stop Mothering, and then we take the brunt of their disdain, because we have built so much expectation into them to be carried ( our own little invalids) that when we forget to intervene (mother) they get angry....Man that is the same for so many of our lives on this site...And it's messed up!....And the only place it ends....Is with us.....THE MOTHERS!
We cannot allow ourselves to be the reason our spouses can live an undisciplined life! And that is just what many of us do, or have done.....
Thank you
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Amen.
Hi Bowl !
Submitted by barneyarff on
Your posts haunt me
I would like to respond to your post by trying to explain something I'm learning.
Sorry if it isn't very fluid.
It's about why a person feels like a victim which I think you and your spouse probably feel like (I know I do and my husband REALLY does)
1) you might actually be a victim
2) You were a victim and "allowed" it to happen again because you just can't believe someone would "really do that" (this is me again and again and again.....)
or
3) Someone who has privilege (like being able to say "I'll help you rake the leaves" yet never does it and there are no real consequences for not following through. Or won't pay attention to your need to go to sleep, etc) will start playing the victim if held accountable for their privilege.
Every time I tried to equalize the playing field with my husband or kids, they would do this. I would be called a bully and I would be told I was a terrible person for expecting them to do certain things, etc when all I was doing was taking away their privilege. They would be furious over this and fight me tooth and nail to the destruction of our house and family. It was amazing to watch. In fact with my husband it still happens. He will let the house go to hell. He will not do anything for holidays. He will not pay the house taxes or house insurance because it isn't his job---- because he's the man (!!!!!!!!!) He seems to want his privilege over all else.
I think for me (and I suspect for you) the more we try to make things more fair, the more our spouses "Privilege" is taken away and the more they feel like a victim. With mine, I'm not sure where the floor is on how awful he will let things get before he will stop playing the victim to get back his privilege.
It's a terrible thing. The only thing I know to do (besides walk away- which feels pretty good) is to ask if your spouse if she feels like a victim Then acknowledge the feeling as real and maybe MAYBE there can be some insight.
But most importantly (at least it has been for me) is to see how someone like this can flip from being a bully to a victim and it leaves you and me wondering what the hell happened and maybe we are being unreasonable. The manipulation is astounding
I hope next time you need your sleep you throw the clothes on the floor and turn on some music or get earplugs.
I do understand your anxiety about the kids getting pounded while you check out. I'm not smart enough to have an answer for that except get yourself and the kids out. Seriously.
I wish you well. I love that you are a Douglas Adams fan. I so get that.