Ive seen many comments from spouses & I understand your frustration. But it seems as though some of you think we do things on purpose. I can only speak for myself but I can tell you that being the one living with & having many issues is no picnic. I have ADD, OCD,intermittent explosive disorder & I suffer from anxiety as well as some other issues. I was not diagnosed until I was in my 30s. I had a very hard time staying awake in school much less focusing. Everything just got worse the older I got. I have many trust issues as well. I thought I was blessed & met the perfect man in my late 20s. We lived together several years before marriage. He had great medical & I was finally able to get help. Im not making excuses for myself or your spouses but you couldnt possibly understand how it feels to be this way. If im washing dishes & the doorbell rings I can forget I was doing dishes, as I am easily distracted. This is/was a huge problem for my now separated spouse & I. I never spent money like some of your spouses. My husband would complain of my lack of organization & blame it on laziness. Im not lazy, I honestly just need help of what to do with some things. I am not a hoarder but yes I do have a couple cabinets of clutter. I have been called stupid (out of anger) because I cant remember things. His reaction after 4 months of Dr appts. & meds was " Why are you not better its been 4 months!" Of course that causes me to lash out. Its pure hell trying to stop your own mind from thinking when your trying to sleep sometimes. We barely speak now but when we do its really only so he can reiterate everything that bothers him & how he feels I dont care. I do care & I would love to save my marriage but its just not possible. I know its hard on you spouses but if they havent cheated on you, financially drained you, if your house doesnt look like it belongs on the Hoarder Tv show then please try to maybe be more active by going to counseling or to their appts before you give up.
Living with ADD
Submitted by Anonymous 1 a d d _ on 11/28/2015.
unless there are oher more serious things going on....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
unless there are other more serious issues that you're not mentioning, getting upset that someone forgets to return to washing dishes after a doorbell interruption is excessive. Nearly everyone can be guilty of that from time to time, and even if it happens on a regular basis, it's not something to leave a spouse over.
I'm wondering if the "explosive anger" is the bigger problem.
>>>I have ADD, OCD,intermittent explosive disorder & I suffer from anxiety as well as some other issues. I was not diagnosed until I was in my 30s<<<
The above describes my H a LOT. He has ADHD, OCD, explosive anger, anxiety and depression and some paranoia. All-together, he was Dx'd with having a personality disorder.
Are you saying that the "dishes" incident is among the worst things that you do?
What is "intermittant explosive disorder"?
Fighting Two Fronts
Submitted by kellyj on
Hi Anonymous 1 add_,
I'm the one with ADHD so I was both moved by your plea and know exactly what you are saying too. I'm very sorry you have found yourself in the place you are in and I too know what this feels like. It really is like fighting on two fronts (using this War analogy)....and as everyone remembers with both Napoleon and Hitler....this did not end well for either one. I think I can sum this up by saying that your H appears to be waiting and putting the burden entirely on you and is a rather rigid way of thinking in his ability to compromise or change how he sees things. The "front" here as I was reading what you said is fighting up against what he believes.....and the other one is you fighting up against your ADD. Both require energy and resources and when you are trying to fight the one to resolve the other...your are trying to manage and resolve two fronts at the same time and not getting anywhere fast. I now the feeling when you start to get spread too thin and a little bit of everything that you attempt or are even are successful at becomes a day late and a dollar short all the time and appears not to be doing anything to help?
This may not be what you want to hear right now....but you are not alone either. This appears to be one of the number one sources of conflict and there are legitimate reasons your H feels the way he does but he is just not understanding your limitations in these areas to the point that he truly believes it just can't be helped. On some level at the very least....I think this is a fight you should not keep trying to win. At least....this is not where you need to be focusing your efforts. The problem for you is that you understand what you are up against and he is not available to hear that from you. The effect that your ADD has on him (for what ever reason ?)....is causing him such a negative reaction that he is more focused on how this makes him feel....than any reasons why you do it. At that point....nothing you do other than to change or reduce the effect this has on him is going to get him to see much more outside of that. Once a person gets tunnel vision like this....it's hard to get them to widen their view until they get some relief themselves from the effect this has on them. All that can be done in that case if to focus your efforts entirely on one thing........finding ways to reduce this effect so that the stress and anxiety it causes your H will reduce down enough so he might begin to widen view and become more open minded and less rigid in his own thinking.
There is no way to know ahead of time if this will even work with your H right now until you do it and that is the leap of faith you need to take. If you can stop trying to fight two fronts at once...and focus all your efforts entirely on improving the most important things to him in a concentrated way a demonstrate to him with your actions that you are really trying but with some improvement along with it.....he might see how difficult it is for you just to move a small distance and see for himself just how hard this really is to do. Seeing is believing in this case....but the improvements need to come first before he can see it himself.
I know how difficult this is for you and I feel for you in the same way you feel for yourself. No matter what happens in the future between you and your H....what I said about focusing on improving will only serve you in the end and will not be a wasted effort. You can also apply this to what I said and know at the very least....you will not be wasting your time, efforts and resource and you will only come out ahead in every respect if you can stay on course and believe in yourself enough to do this.
Stopping should not be your personal goal.......steadily improving over time and not back sliding (or as little as possible) can and will be a reasonable one for you to win. You can do it. Don't make this contingent on anything your H says or does either now or in the future and only fight one battle at a time:)
J