Ok, this will be a rant. But also a brief summary of facts. Please bear with me.
Me and my ADHD spouse have been living separately. We're not married. She blames many of the issues we're facing on this. She says it's complicating her daily routine.
However, we never really got through that point when you really feel like you could live with the other person, and you truly want it.
I need to catch my breath from time to time. If that doesn't happen, I'm no use.
So we have separate flats. Hers is smaller. She says she'd like to live together, "just like any other normal couple". I say we first learn to decide simple matters, 5 minute perspective, and then we talk the big perspective. Then we can move forward.
Some time ago, she had a period when she was been very stubborn not to come to my place, although it's 3x as big and much more comfortable. I feel this was my "punishment" for not wanting to live together. However, when I proposed to live together, she was very reluctant and said she'd "consider". She never did, as I never got a definitive answer.
She constantly stresses the toll it takes on her. Like she has to transport stuff back and forth (about half a mile). I keep telling her, please move it permanently. She keeps telling me, "no, because there's no place for me here, I don't have my own space". I keep telling her "the whole space is yours".
She says it's not middle ground, she's a guest here. I say she's not. She's welcome to move all the stuff she needs, so that she doesn't have to wear my pants and my shirts and my perfume, as every morning she seems to be surprised by the unexpected lack of those.
She says she want to move together, but then she says she really appreciates the space she can call her own, and it's actually very convenient for her, and she wouldn't like to move.
When she sees my fatigue, she proposes she'll come back to her own flat for some time to let me restore my health. Yet she insists all our problems are caused by the fact we don't fully share a flat.
She says she can't learn where the spoons are at my apartment, and where the light switches are, because it's not neutral ground, and she doesn't feel like learning because she's a guest. For over 4 years.
After the "we live at my place and that's it" phase, she stopped inviting me completely to her place. 6 months ago, she started a huge clean-up, to get rid of the things she didn't need and finally make everything neat and nice and orderly. Since then, she's been ashamed to invite me, which she admits, because she's never finished and it's a huge mess.
So we live together at my place. Where she still feels a guest. That doesn't mean it doesn't get as messy as her own place, as I've written here: https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/my-experiences-adhd-overcoming-denial. Maybe more, because she's a guest.
I'm getting blamed for all the mess. Apparently it's because we don't officially live together.
Things appear and disappear. Although it's a tight space, there's weeks when we only say "hello" to each other, if she's hyperfocused on work. Otherwise, I feel like she's looming around, actually doing nothing, but disturbing my daily cycle. A lot.
And I still feel I cant move in together with her officially, because even though we spend so much time together, I need time once or twice a week to catch some breath and clean up a bit, otherwise it's a total chaos.
I'm only doing what's necessary to avoid a mental breakdown. It's hard enough as it is.
Does this sound unreasonable?
Yes This Does Sound Familiar
Submitted by kellyj on
I can only say this from my own experience with it. There is a big difference between moving in with another person or into their space , or you moving in with them, and YOU moving into "their space"? When I first got marred a long time ago....."we" moved into the new space together.....and "we" made it, the way "we" wanted it? And "we" did not run into any of these problems....or having to "reverse engineer" everything, and find that same happy medium? Since then, I have moved in with someone else...and I have had people move in with me and there is definitely a difference......it doesn't matter what the logistics are. The "box" that you move into together.....no matter how big or how small it is.....is still an "eco-system" as it is....that is either created by one person...or the other? You're own ability to adapt and adjust and make the necessary changes to accommodate and another "living creature" in your eco-system....or to join them "in theirs" will depend not only on your ability to do this, but theirs simply put? If one person has to do ALL the accommodating......then that leaves the other person having to do "none" . But, if there are reasons for this and reasons they can't do it, then that becomes a problem all by itself?
But.....if the person called upon simply cannot do their part in the accommodations, and they simply will not talk about it or even discuss it and just gets angry instead.....that becomes an additional problem just to start with? If they cannot even get to first base, and discuss it openly.....then there is no rounding the bases to home and you are stuck...right where you are? And both of you moving out into your own place is simply not even smart, if you are not even sure you can live together at first? I can see her dilemna, and how she feels about having some say or control of the way things are in your place? Unless you are willing to give up control and let her decide everything...then I think this discussion on "what is really the problem here" is the one you should be having?
If this a control thing? The need for absolute control or not having any at all? Or is it your need for control of your environment and not being willing to make accommodations for her? I think an unwillingness to compromise, may go deeper than just unwillingness? If it's just, logistics then those are fixed but also, easy for everyone to see and talk about and make appropriate compromises or at least, one might think? And complete inability to compromise might mean a number of under lying issues and those are the very ones that make things so difficult? I'd say....those things need to be rooted out and discussed out in the open and get to the bottom of what the real problem is and the "bug" in the soup? If someone has a lot of "bugs"...and they are "bugged a lot" about a lot of things....then that makes it difficult for the one who is "bugged less" at the end of the day? Getting the "bugs" out....and finding what those are....I think needs to happen or should happen first, before you do anything else? The things you are talking about are only dealing with logistics....those "bugs" I'm talking about are more about emotional attachments which are much harder to see? Bottom line though, no compromise, for what every reason means a failure to do so? Without that ability or without compromise in itself, then this will fail.....no matter how you do it? Compromise, adaptability and the willingness to do so, are the key components here that are mandatory....not optional in my mind?
If anything, the biggest mistake is to simply say "oh, it will work out....we'll fix that thing when we cross that bridge". I for one, am like this but also....I am pretty easy to compromise with and negotiating isn't an issue with me either? But as I have found out as well....assuming the other person can do this when you get to that bridge...is a fatal error in my own thinking even if I don't have a problem with it and I'm much more adaptable or flexable in that way as a rule...not as the exception to the rule? Fixing it....before you get to the bridge and discussing it ahead of time...is a much better path to follow....even if it's the same path or road.....everyone knows the score ahead of time....but as I found, even that does not always work? The ability ...or inability....to negotiate and compromise....is the biggest red flag here in an overall sense across the board in everything? If you can do it in one place.....one can normally do it in other places too? And the same works going the other way. Someone who has trouble negotiating and compromising....will have trouble doing that everywhere else, which I have found out the hard way.
J
I agree with J. I think you
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
I agree with J. I think you and your partner shouldn't start living together until the underlying issues are resolved. That both of you are bothered by the prospect of giving up your own space(s) does not bode well for one of you giving up his or her space to move into the other's.
Poisenivy
Submitted by kellyj on
What I really learned from this situation that I found myself in, with the best intentions and with a great deal of talking about it ahead of time ( even some very long in depth discussions about me having ADHD ) and trying to predict any and all contingencies that we might face? As I learned, even if I was prepared and ready to face any and all contingencies and I was very willing to compromise and do anything it might take to get there. Just because I was ready and prepared, didn't mean ( she ) understood what this would entail, and as she found, it wasn;t what ( she ) thought it would be like? As she kept repeating, I saw the situation and I saw what it was like, why was I so stupid to think it would be different than it was?
This is an answer, I could not or did not have for her...and apparently neither did she? Her "red flag" if there is one to think about.....was in her wording. And within her wording the word "dreams" and "not what I imagined"...kept coming to the surface? This really had me stymied and not understanding what the problem was? She was the one who was in a hurry, I wasn't? She was the one "pushing" and mainly, it was because "she needed a place to stay or move to since she had to leave where she was and move out since her landlord gave her notice and it simply seemed like the most logical thing to do? Logistically speaking....."she" needed a place to go, I didn't? I would have been just fine if she had found her own place, but as it was i had the place, and we wanted to be together? At no time, did I ever lead her to believe that it would suddenly be different or even within my ability to make it that way immediately? I was right in the middle of doing what I needed to do and we discussed this at length with me feeling, that this was understood and that she would need to be patient and work with me to get to where we wanted to go? I was perfectly fine, with making "my space" anything she needed it to be, to make it her home as well? She had free license to make that happen but on her end...I was not getting the information that would tell me what that was?
What you don't know and there is no way for you to know, that I was in the middle of changing everything in my space and Iiterally was, making it all new? I was remodeling and changing everything from where it was before and it was a blank sheet of paper aside from the fact, that I simply was not finished with it and she came in before I was done? I don't know how many times, I explained this to her, before and after and somehow that just wasn't registering? I think, she had picture of what it would be like ( or what she imagined in her imagination ) but as everyone knows.....what is imagined, is not real. Reality was....exactly what reality was and this was what I was doing my best ( almost to the point ) of talking her out of it and painting the worst, not the best case scenario, with all those warnings and caveats including my ADHD? To the point of saying basically "you know, this I'm not the easiest person to live with and here are the reason why? ( spelled out in detail ) Right from the start? And of course, the reality of the situation was staring her in the face logistically speaking?
What surprised me and what took me back which simply was me not seeing or understanding this as I kept scratching my head and wondering what the problem was? If that had been me ( as I have been in the past when I have moved into a new situation with someone else ). I worked with the other people and did a lot of work to make it the way I wanted to? I simply had to ask "hey, do you mind if I do this?" And the answer was always "sure, go right ahead, make it the way you like I think that's a grand idea"...with me putting in the labor and with them even helping and paying for any materials if I was making permanent improvements to "their dwelling"? I didn't expect her to help do the construction or anything along those lines....but I did expect her to get up off her butt, and work with me and do things "for herself"...to "make it the way she liked? " Somehow, in her minds eye and the way she "imagined it".....that she would sit and watch, or just come home from her work day...and by "magic"...it would just be done for her without her having to do anything?
What she did, was take anything she didn't want, or anything that was in her way...and just pile it up in a huge pile in a spare room...and create a huge mess and pile for me to deal with? Sound familiar? She is great with making piles....and then moving one pile over her, and then moving piles around? And of course....I'm going "NO!!! No more piles!!! I'm ADHD remember....everything I'm working on and trying to do is eliminate piles!!! Don't you understand, I've lived that way before....everything I'm doing and everything I'm working on...is in an effort NOT DO DO THIS!!!" lol
Which is absolutely true. I have been ( very long now ) way past that point in the process. The reason, and the only reason I was doing what I was doing, was to create a NEW SPACE....and not make the mistakes of the past? One shovel out of the hole.....one shovel in. For every shovel I pulled out and for every pile of mine that I got rid of.....she would start a new one and pile more on top of it? What she basically did....was take ALL MY THINGS and and just throw them on a big pile in the spare room and go "well, you already had a bunch junk in there anyway.....what's the problem with that?"
I can tell you what the problem with that was? That was a temporary place I had used...in preparation for her. That room was not a pile of stuff, before she planned to move in with me? It was not like that at all, until she planned to move and now, I had that pile...and she replaced all the rest of "my stuff" that she didn't want in "her space"....and threw it on top of the pile? Piles on top of piles.....then complained that there was a big pile in the way? She did make her space, just the way she liked it and I was perfectly fine with what she did and how she liked it? I didn't push to have things "my way" as a means to allow her to make it comfortable and set it up any way she liked? I did that as my offering...to work with her and not insist on things being only my way?
I learned that lesson from before, and I already had learned all the things that went wrong? So in my thinking, I will not repeat that again and everything should be fine? The problem with that thinking is....what ever complaints or problems that one person might have one way or the other.....does not necessarily apply to another person? Even with that in mind.....I still did not expect, what I got ...which is really just how one person works, compared to another? The only part that I still contend, is not on my watch....is the the fact that she never lifted a finger to help me, work with me...or do anything of the things she was complaining about herself? At no time, did I say...."no wait, wait for me, let me be there so I can monitor you and make sure you do it the way I want?"
She was free, to do anything she wanted...and she had every oportunity to do it all, do a little or even work with me to get it done and come and say...."I have an idea....what do you think? " No ideas, came from her? No help, came from her? And even when I said "Uh....so where do you think all this stuff is going to go? Huh?"...click.....errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Nothing. She would never answer these questions and when ever I said "hey, lets clean this up and lets make this happen this weekend or tommorrow?"
"I've worked all week or all day......I'm not doing anything but sit here and recover" Always an excuse....why she "can't help me" or "can't work". Always. Mania man, I'm tired.
That, was what I did not expect or could not predict. But then again, I didn't know or see that she had ADHD and a host of other issues but especially her adversarial relationship with work? She is allergic to the word "work"...let alone actually doing it? I have never known anyone ( and I means this from all my past relationships ) who I have never seen break a sweat? Not even once....have I seen her "perspire" and drip from head to toe...in sweat?
That is a foreign concept for me......I simply do not understand it?
J