Hi guys!
I'm new here. I needed to find a space where I can talk about how I feel. I hope this is it.
I believe my husband has ADHD. I say believe because he has never been diagnosed, but we've been married 15 years (it's been a very difficult marriage) and a couple of years ago I stumbled on some info about ADHD in adults and started to read up on it (via internet articles) and I am 100% convinced that this is what my husband suffers from.
I've tried to tactfully mention it to my husband a few times, and suggested we get some kind of marriage guidance counseling or support from a psychologist, but he completely ignores my suggestions. His mother taught him never to share anything personal with other people (his father was a drug addict so they got used to hiding their personal life from others and putting on an act) so he doesn't believe in visiting psychologists or anything like that.
I am, however, at my wits end. Apart from professional burnout, I find I get these mini mental break downs every few weeks where I can't stop crying and I have no one to talk to. I have read lots of advice columns that say I should try and find time for me (I go for walks) and talk to a friend etc. The problem is I am the breadwinner, as well as doing the shopping, cleaning and most of the cooking so I have very little time. My husband isn't able to organize himself to work. He has no profession and no idea how to make ends meet. We live in South America and I don't have the kind of support network most people have. My entire family is in the UK, and his family are dysfunctional. Only my MIL helps out, but she is now becoming increasingly frail and still works (she has spent her whole life supportign all the dysfunctional people in her family), even though she's past retirement age, so her support is minimal. Certainly, I don't feel I can talk to her. Although I speak Spanish, there is a cultural barrier and I don't want her involved in my marriage, quite frankly.
I literally don't have any friends to speak of. I'm not exaggerating. I spent many years throwing myself into work to make up for the shortcoming in my marriage and neglected any friendships I could have had. I now suffer from social anxiety. Also, my husband refuses to meet any "friends" I might have, discourages me from inviting people round, never accompanies me if I'm invited to a party or wedding, and refuses to attend church with me - which is the only social event in my life. Building relationships at church has been so hard. I just don't seem to have anything in common and it's just a case of "How are you? Great, see you next week, then".
I'm desperately lonely. I barely have a conversation with a single adult. My husband and I communicate very superficially. We rarely argue. I rarely nagg. I've just learned that those things don't work. The kids are always around because we haven't been able to establish a bedtime routine or anything like that. My husband just can't help me with that and I'm exhausted when I get home from work - I sometimes work a very late shift too, which I can't get out of (I'm a university lecturer).
I don't know how to dig myself our of this rut. I used to be so outgoing and now I feel crushed. I want to be the old me again.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Tiny steps forward
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Hi, Gringagirl - thanks for posting. You have a huge burden to carry and the isolation you have moved into over the years has turned into a real problem, too. We, as humans, need to be connected to feel healthy and whole, so this is an area in which you could likely see improvement, even if your husband doesn't address the possibility he has ADHD immediately. Also, your description of crying every few weeks suggests that not only are you under a lot of pressure, but you may actually be suffering from diagnosable depression, too. I suggest you talk with your doctor about it.
Here is one possible path for you that includes small steps you might take to feel less isolated and learn more about ADHD:
Get a copy of The ADHD Effect on Marriage, which has been translated into Spanish, at least for Kindle. See link on this page. It may help you find strategies you can use to help lessen the stress, plus if you find things that seem particularly relevant for your relationship, you may be able to read a few of them out loud to your husband and get him interested (the patterns chapter is good for this).
Find 1-2 people whom you can reach out to to try to improve the connections you have with others. I would start with church or work, since these seem to be positive parts of your life. Perhaps propose having coffee to someone who seems interesting to you (I would recommend same gender as you, so as to not create complications). Or taking a walk on a lunch break. Find an interesting topic that gets past 'how are you?' and see where things go. Given how busy everyone is, you might have to reach out to multiple people before you find one who might be interested in reciprocating. In the U.S. one support system a number of women use is creating a book group that meets once a month. Over time you can develop some pretty deep and supportive friends this way.
If you have time, consider exercising - brisk walks are one good option (and are also a good way to make friends). Exercise is a good mood stabilizer.
At some point, perhaps after the pandemic ends and after you feel you have your feet back on the ground a bit more, it would be time to get your husband engaged with learning how to manage his ADHD better. I'm sorry to report I don't offer my seminar in Spanish, but the book is a start.
Hope this helps a bit, and welcome to the forum.
Thank you so much for taking
Submitted by Gringagirl on
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply.
Gringagirl
Submitted by Brindle on
I'm glad you've found our corner of the internet. And I hope this site will be an outlet for you.
Several things you said resonate so deeply with me. So that you see you are not alone and are not the only one who has these thoughts and feelings, here are some snippets of your words that also describe me, my marriage, or my life:
"I now suffer from social anxiety... I'm desperately lonely... My husband and I communicate very superficially. We rarely argue...I've just learned that those things don't work...I used to be so outgoing and now I feel crushed. I want to be the old me again."
I used to be an open book to people (appropriately, of course). I've become smaller than I could have ever thought possible. I hold back my thoughts and feelings, never sharing them with my husband and rarely sharing them with people outside my home. I tell my feelings here sometimes, though, and that feels very relieving. People here understand so much without me needing to try to convey the nuances.
I recently decided that it was truly time to invest in myself and my happiness. I went back to one hobby that I used to do as a kid and found I still love it. I also have made a list of people that I've not kept up with and am planning to write letters as people used to do, not texting them. Those are small steps, but I probably couldn't fit in anything big right now anyway. Is there something from your past that you could squeeze in somewhere? Those friends you lost along the way - could you rekindle a friendship again? If not, do you want us to brainstorm with you how to find some joy again?
When I read that you have "mini mental breakdowns," my heart went out to you. You must be so tired of the ache inside. Please keep talking to us here. Some of us are very frequent posters, and some of us check in every few weeks, but there are people here who will care and understand when you post.
Welcome Gringagirl..
Submitted by c ur self on
Your story touched me....This forum has really been a great life line of understanding for me, and many over the years...So many of us deal or have dealt with a lot of commonality in our marriage relationships...Just reach out, post any time...IF your like me, it can really be emotionally helpful to get my feelings written down, (I come back and reread my posts to help me stay face to face w/ reality at times) and it's super refreshing to know people truly understand what your dealing with...
In the mean time, I'm going to pray for you and the family....
c
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by Gringagirl on
Thank you so much for your comments. They really make me feel better.
Yes, I have discovered that doing ballet (which was my childhood hobby) helps to relax me. I've been practising the old barr exercises in my kitchen whilst cooking. This has also made me feel more positive about my body image, which has always (rightly or wrongly) been important to me and part of my self-esteem.
This weekend God did something great for me, actually! He enabled me to help someone else and that forced me to take my mind off myself and gave me great pleasure so that was good. Joyce Meyer often says if we can get out of our own heads and find someone to help that will make us happy and she's right. Thankfully, my husband was very supportive and looked after the kids while I was with this other person so I tried to show my appreciation to him for that.
So right!
Submitted by c ur self on
Yes; God is awesome! Spreading a little love is so healing!
c <3
You aren’t alone
Submitted by slamsunk on
Things sound quite overwhelming for you. I'm sorry I don't have any great advice. But I do know this website/ forum and the book have been incredibly insightful. Hopefully they will be for you too.
I feel lonely as well. Maybe for slightly different reasons... but in the end probably not so much. I have found myself pulling away from others, either because I'm embarrassed by my husband's behavior and don't want to risk being humiliated or because I know that most family and friends don't really like him and the way he has treated me so it's always kind of awkward and tense to be around them. And I have just found myself retreating and not reaching out to see friends even on my own. There really is nobody who understands my not completely horrible but yet crappy marriage and there is nobody who I can talk to without them passing judgement and hating my husband.
I hear you with the exhaustion. I find it amazing that you are holding it all together as a working mom.
It is crazy and comforting how I can relate to everyone's situation in one way or another. You may feel lonely but you aren't alone. Good luck.
Thank you so much for your
Submitted by Gringagirl on
Thank you so much for your comment.
I'm sorry you are suffering in your marriage too. You are very brave to keep going and I sincerely hope you can find ways of striking up or re-kindling friendships so that you can get more companionship. I also pray that as you and your husband can continue to work on your relationship and build new bonds as you age together.
I find listening to Joyce Meyer and other people with positive outlooks and faith can help me raise my spirits and keep going. Also the fact that I know I'm doing the right thing by sticking by my husband gives me strength. He is undoubtedly suffering more from the ADHD and its consequences in his life than I can understand.
Can I Get an Amen??
Submitted by LadyAkrasia13 on
Just wanted to tell you first off that you sound like a strong, intelligent, insightful person. I hope more people in your life will begin to appreciate that.
It sounds like we are stuck in a similar rut of knowing that our spouses need help but not being able to make them help themselves. It's hard, especially when you love that person and know they have potential to do so much more. But I think it's also true when people say we can only work on ourselves at the end of the day- we can't change anyone else.
I also have massive amounts of social anxiety, no friends, and like taking walks. If you weren't thousands of miles away I'd say we could hang out, ha, ha! It's also super cool that you work for a University- do they have any resources there for counseling or anything? If your husband won't go, maybe you can go alone to get support for yourself at the very least. It seems like you do a whole lot of taking care of others; it's definitely your turn to get support for once.
I hope things start looking up soon. Take care of yourself as best you can and remember to give yourself credit for everything you're doing already.
Thank you!
Submitted by Gringagirl on
Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words!
I hope your situation improves ad you are able to keep cheerful and positive in the difficult moments!