I often sit at night alone, crying, wondering why this is my life. He says I’m important, he says I’m his everything, but when it comes to us spending quality time together, he has other things he rather do. He relies on me to lead the way in cooking, organizing our lives, supporting him through tough times and taking care of our son. And like the fool I am, I do. When it comes to my basic needs, simple requirements from a partner, or reciprocal love, it’s seems to be a foreign concept to him or often under the impression that he’s doing his part. He makes plans to spend time with me, then something more exciting comes up. He says he wants to be attentive and supportive, then finds it difficult to listen to what’s important to me... often resulting in him making assumptions on my needs and priorities which can be far from accurate. I no longer want to be in this relationship and know in my heart it will end or I will sign up for a lifetime of my soul slowing dying. How do I move past this pain? I have career that was put on hold due to our son having a weak immune system, no family close by, and friends who’ve slowing disappeared since being with him. I am grateful for my 3 year old son and being 9 months pregnant (even though I was told I couldn’t conceive) and yet I’m overwhelmed with a horrible feeling of consistent rejection and loneliness. Is there a way out of this place? Is there even a slight chance of having a decent loving relationship with an ADHD partner? If you're still reading - thank you. It's nice to be heard.
I feel the same way. It's
Submitted by inao on
I feel the same way. It's really frustrating and we have a 10 month old son. I also feel alone and have tried everything in my power to make things work and they just seem to be getting worse. Not better. I'm not even sure what to do anymore. I can't talk to him about my feelings because he gets defensive and then starts to talk about his own. We are so disconnected.
Sadness
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Is there even a slight chance of having a decent loving relationship with an ADHD partner?
This post is exactly my life. My child is 12 now. For me, things have only gotten worse. I have tried everything I can on my side of this relationship to have the "decent loving relationship" you described - and the relationship that was just a mirage during the hyperfocus stage of our courtship. I have given up and know I will leave eventually to avoid the soul slowly dying thing you described. To answer your question, I don't think it has to be this way with an ADHD partner at all. Unfortunately though, change HAS to come from them at some point because we can only do so much on our side. The ADHD partner needs to take accountability for their behaviours, get on medication and employ ADHD-behavioural strategies. My ADHD husband refuses to do this. Other ADHD partners seem very self aware and have a genuine wish to improve themselves and their relationships. These are the times when I think no question it can work... and probably very well.
Why is this my life?
Submitted by c ur self on
You have done what so many of us here have done....You have allowed yourself to make life choices based on words.....Read your post like someone else wrote it.....
He say's ??? He does??? Words are useless....Action's are priceless.....
You are just like many of us....What would happen if you said beautiful things about him, and to him...But, he could never trust you, because your DOING, put your relationship responsibilities way down your list of priorities?...In other words he is left abandoned often, because you were pursuing something more interesting to you? That's the way many of our spouses live.....I can only share with you what has made my life better....NEVER trust someone who's WORDS, do not match their DOING.....Most of us have no problem with this if it's just another family member, friend or co-worker.....But with our spouses, we so selfishly desire this awesome marriage relationship, (the one of unity, intimacy and sharing that is spinning in our minds) that we become stone blind to their actions and reality... LOL...It doesn't mean we don't love them, when we base our actions (how we manage our lives) on their actions and never their words....It just means we are determined to have the type life we are capable of living....
My wife is always speaking plans (she's been doing it at least two weeks now about labor day) but, she can put wheels on about 10 to 20 percent of those....For years I stayed angry and felt used and abandoned....(If I tell you something, I do it)....So I had to back up, realize I couldn't trust her, and set boundaries to that effect....It has caused me to live completely different than I did for 30 years, (my first wife) but, I'm have peace now.....Because I believe what I see, never what I hear or even what I want.....
Acceptance of her reality.....
Bless you, I hope your delivery goes well, and you have healthy little angel....<3
c
Good post, C
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
Always insightful. When you said this, I had to comment. : we so selfishly desire this awesome marriage relationship, (the one of unity, intimacy and sharing that is spinning in our minds) that we become stone blind to their actions and reality...
You are absolutely correct. However, I don't believe that desiring unity, intimacy and sharing in a marriage to be selfish. It is part of being in a long term healthy relationship. I am of the mind that I would rather stay single than in a relationship where I do all the giving, and I am not appreciated. Been there, done that, and at 55 I am NOT going down that road again. I have the luxury of saying so, because I'm not currently married.
After reading many posts on this site for the last 5 years, there is a part of me that is hesitant to get married. Things are going well with my fiance, and I don't want that to change.
Adele
Submitted by c ur self on
The word selfish in this context means my personal desires for the marriage relationship....I'm sure there is a better word I could have used...;)
c
support ADHD Partner
Submitted by Michelle Immer on
Thank you for sharing.
Hey my friend! Jut never give
Submitted by kimimiles on
Hey my friend! Jut never give up! Just know you are not alone!
Separated now
Submitted by Michelle Immer on
Thank you for your reply. As of last week I left him and he didn't try to stop me. Checked in two days later and I said I hope you didn't do anything bad well he said he cheated on me because he didn't think I was coming back and he felt abandoned. I'm not sure if he's a cheater or if it's the impulsive mind frame that he has from the Adhd.
Once burned; Twice shy
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
Having your soul tortured in a ADHD-relationship changes you. It is not just trying to have a new happy attitude. Your psychic scars are real, deep, and extensive. You are not the same nor can you be. Life goes on...