As I explained...I had some experience with psychedelic drugs in the past....but the experience I had when the window opened up was a completely different experience. When I was in that weakened state of depression...where I was feeling like I didn't care anymore whether I lived or died....this does something to your emotional state. When that happens....fear disappears. If you think about it...fear is there for a reason....to indicate danger or something to avoid that might hurt you or so you won't die. If you don't care whether you live or die....fear is not necessary anymore. And from that place....this leaves you open and vulnerable without the protection of fear there to get in your way or prevent you from doing things that you might not normally do. And from that kind of immunity from fear....you are exposed and open without those emotional blocks to stand in your way.
But the insecurity and pain you feel from it ( your insecure attachment ) is still there along with the depression which was caused by that deep insecurity. How I got that way...had everything to do with dissociation. Dissociation....is the mechanism I used to protect myself from my emotions from facing the reality of why they were there. That is...from the treatment I received from my parents which under normal circumstances with a secure person for example....would be extremely hurtful and damaging every time you got hit by the same dysfunction over and over in respect to a child. And it that dysfunction from the parents never stops and is consistent over time. Something has to be employed to put in between your emotions and your the feeling person....in order to shunt it off and dissociate from it so you won't feel it anymore. In a nut shell....this is splitting and denial. You split off from your emotions and no longer feel them any more. Your alter ego or split off character is separate from you.
So in essence.....there are two of you. The one who is abused and being hurt that feels nothing and is invisible to you so you don't have to see it or deal with all those negative emotions...and then there you who only feels positive things and denies the existence of the other one. The bad one who is only negative the one feels Okay in your conscious thoughts. Nothing wrong with me....I fine thanks. Must be your the problem.
The problem is....everyone else is not the problem. The problem is Mr Hyde your evil twin. Everyone else can see and feel him since he's mostly negative, angry and full of venom. He's short tempered irritable and all negative when he comes out. For everyone else that is except for you since that's the point of these dissociative mechanisms. To protect you from your own negative emotions and feelings.
What I've come to learn about this myself....it can be a really effective tool as a child to protect yourself from to much emotional pain....as long as you don't go into full denial and these are temporary moments....and then you return to your whole self again. For the most part....this is what I did. And because of that....I felt the insecurity and pain and retained my ability to feel the full brunt of my emotions yet I could go into full dissociative episodes for brief periods or moments of time when the pain was more than I could handle.. Someone who goes too long like this...goes from split to separated or severed which is where the complete inability to see their other half comes from. If this is so severe and more permanent.....this becomes Narcissism as a disorder and that person is completely separated and disconnected from the ability to feel their emotions which is why there is no empathy after that. At that point...it's no longer denial anymore and mostly dead inside as I understand it.
For an anxious/preoccupied like myself....I had a lot of anxiety and the resulting depression after too long since the dissociation mechanism was still allowing me to feel the damage. This makes you sad and lonely a lot which is exactly what I remember as a child.
So in the moment when the window opened up for me without any fear standing in the way...at felt at one with everything and everybody and my loneliness and insecurities dissolved along with my ego. When that happens...there are no distortions of perception and you feel complete, whole and fully integrated emotionally and in touch with all your feelings. I cannot tell you how wonderful that feeling is. It in almost an instant...all pain and suffering goes away and feel connected to everyone and have a sense of belonging you've never experience before. Your alone....but not alone...and it still feels wonderfully peaceful and at ease. Your mind becomes free and clear from all fears, concerns and insecurity and completely connected on the inside with no dissociation or splitting any more. It all just disappears along with any loneliness or unresolved feelings what so ever.
This a state of pure joy and inner peace and a calm you have never felt before in your life. This the state of Zen Satori and Nirvana and like you have been touched by the hand of God or the Universe which lets you know you are not alone and connected fully with everything down to the smallest atom and which extends outwardly to infinite space of the Universe itself.
If you've never seen this flick from the 60's called Cosmic Zoom....it it a really good animation of the overall "trip" you take inside your mind that I just described. For lack of a better example just to illustrate...it would be as close as I could get by just trying to explain it. It's here in the link attached if your interested.
J
We don't know so much
Submitted by jennalemone on
J, I read both. Thanks for putting it out there. ...I just this moment got a call from my sister. My brother in law died this morning. This puts life in perspective. Our lives are more than our grievances and frustrations. Yet at this time, for me, being able to put out our seemingly crazy and weird or difficult experiences on this site is comforting....to be accepted even though we are grieving or complaining. I try not to think existentially too much. But when it is in my face as it is this morning, it seems to me that ACCEPTANCE and the ability to NOT QUIT are important. My faith is not what it was when I was young. Or maybe I should say it is changing to be less religious and more spiritual and searching. I watched the entire Cosmic Zoom. There seems to be a multitude of shows and readings that are coming across my viewing that has to do with science and God...How could all this exist? We know from our small corner of this world that things are "made" or born from something else. Things don't just "appear". It is a wonder.
I had an event about 30 years ago that didn't have anything to do with drugs. I was riding in a car...half sleeping. I awoke and knew that I had been somewhere else (a different dimension?) for a brief moment. There was a strong message with no words. The message as good as I can relate it was. "Everything is very, very, very, very, very, very OK." It was such a strong and unusual feeling I commented on it and carry that memory with me always.
I have also been thinking about your swim meet. That feeling of breaking through the wall. Sports are great for that. Pushing yourself while people are pulling for you is like that. I can't think off hand my experiences with that but I know the feeling, it must have happened a few times to me....to some extent. I can transcend with music, art, beauty, or doing things like swimming at sundown with water sparkling. All my working and sacrificing and learning seems to have little significance other than it made it possible for us to survive.
What is this doing on this ADHD board forum? Many of us are looking for coping skills for ourselves. Some of us are looking for tips to help the person with ADHD. Some of us are trying to understand the best we can what is going so wrong. I think this thread started because J found a turning point, perspective, with one LSD trip. We are looking for answers and sharing our experiences and connecting.
We don't know so much.