I'm throwing out a question here about anger. My ADHD husband is getting better about his anger issues, but he still takes serious offense because many people think he "looks angry". People find him hard to approach because his facial expression and body posture make him look like he is mad and angry about something. He's complained about this before, and YELLS (which doesn't help) "I'm NOT ANGRY"..."I'm just thinking about lots of things", and I've told him that I've had the same reaction with not talking to him at certain times because he indeed SEEMS very angry.
Does anyone else have anything similar to this?........ facial expression, body posture, attitude, etc. give off an impression that others take the wrong way? He also is on the run most of the time, (hyperactivity) which creates an aura of "I"m too busy to talk to you right now" type of atmosphere. Does anyone else experience this as well? Has anyone found anything that helps or that can tell the ADHD person that it's NOT the family trying to CONTROL them, it's how the world ACTUALLY SEES THEM.
My husband often has a "pissy
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
My husband often has a "pissy" (for lack of a better term) expression. I've pointed this out to him and he has said that he doesn't realize that he has the expression.
I would say my DH is just
Submitted by SherriW13 on
I would say my DH is just plain negative 95% of the time. Not really angry. When he's angry, there is no mistaking it and he does not even try to hide it. Just lots of negativity..."I'm miserable" "I hate my job" "I am done with this town, I want to move away" "I hate school" (he HAS to be in school or he loses his job..he is going for free because he works for the university).
In contrast to the other poster, my husband is rarely in "go go go" mode, it is typically quite the opposite...he either isn't here or he's interested in doing nothing but laying in bed and watching TV...and there is NEVER EVER EVER EVER a "Good time" to discuss anything with him. Ever. We used to be able to talk...now he avoids it at all costs. I've asked him to pick times, he will and then when the day approaches he's in super "pity party" mode and weasels out of having to sit down and talk to me. I have lots of questions about his behaviors lately, that I've stressed to him I WON'T sweep under the rug. He's determined to not give me the answers by never even having the conversation. It is probably the worst thing he could do at this point...without those answers I cannot tear down the wall between us and it's almost destroyed us. His behaviors in the last 6 months have pretty much ruined any chance we ever had.
Mine always looks miserable
Submitted by lauren07 on
Mine always looks miserable or depressed. It's really hard to be around.
Mine is also negative/angry
Submitted by soconfused on
Mine is also negative/angry/depressed most of the time when we're together. I get this vibe that I'm irritating him by trying to talk to him about daily "stuff," and I try to tell him that he seems really unapproachable but he seems to have the attitude that I'm being too sensitive. I swear though that he wasn't like this before we got married. I wouldn't say he hyper-focused on me, but he just seemed nicer somehow. Now that we live together I generally feel like we have this sullen teenager/annoying parent dynamic going on.
The funny thing is that he is not like this at all with other people. Even if he's miserable and pissed off, he has this charm that he turns on when he has to interact with other people that totally masks it. People think he's the nicest, friendliest guy. I almost feel jealous of them because he doesn't act like that for me; I am the one who bears the full brunt of his negativity and complaining. It really can seem like he's two different people.
Status Quo
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
soconfused,
"The funny thing is that he is not like this at all with other people. Even if he's miserable and pissed off, he has this charm that he turns on when he has to interact with other people that totally masks it. People think he's the nicest, friendliest guy. I almost feel jealous of them because he doesn't act like that for me; I am the one who bears the full brunt of his negativity and complaining. It really can seem like he's two different people."
This was my experience for a long time. People would say how lucky I was to be married to him. And if anything ever happened to me, they would marry him. And then I began to realize how much effort I had put into playing along when we were not alone. Or smoothing over ruffled feathers. Or making excuses. Now that we are many, many years into our marriage, my spouse is no longer able to contain his anger. It is oozing out all over the place and directed at others, too. So he just decides to hide at home. And make excuses. He is busy. He has to finish a job. He has to work. He doesn't;t want to deal with So-and-So, and why on God's green earth do we all put up with So-andSos terrible behavior and not just call them out on the carpet?
Hmmm. There may be something in that statement. The pot calling the kettle black?
Yep! My new landlord was
Submitted by lauren07 on
Yep! My new landlord was nervous because of the crazy stunt he pulled to keep me from getting it (the apartment). Once she met him, she loved him lol.
Non-verbal
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
dedelight4,
I know how hard it is to communicate through writing. I have made a few posts here, thinking I was spelling out my message clear as a bell. Then I get a response, and I think, "Oh gosh. I never realized it would come across in that way. How someone interpreted what I wrote was not what I was trying to say - AT ALL."
I have heard it said that only 7% of communication is verbal. That leave a lot of space for the other 8 non-verbal forms of communication to spread themselves around in manners difficult - or easy - to interpret..
1. Facial Expression
2. Gestures
3. Paralinguistics: your voice's tone, loudness, inflection and pitch.
4. Body Language & Posture
5. Proxemics: how much space I perceive as belonging to me. How much do I need to feel comfortable. Keeping someone at arm's length.
6. Eye Gaze
7. Haptics: Communicating through touch. A comforting arm upon someone's shoulder. Holding their hand. Wiping away a tear rolling down someone's cheek.
8. Appearance
My spouse, too, appears angry - a lot. There are many emotions that get expressed like anger - fear, confusion, depression, tiredness, hunger, exasperation. If my spouse is unable to verbalize what he is feeling inside, it sure comes across as anger.
I'm So Exhausted - Yes!
Submitted by NLKohlenberger on
I'm So Exhausted, (and others)
You have really hit the nail right on the head here, so to speak. Anger tends to be a superficial emotion. And in men, it is the easiest one to access. The one that they are most comfortable with. The anger that appears to be on their face may instead mask other feelings inside (as you mentioned). They can include sadness, frustration, or anger with self or their circumstances. The appearance of anger or sullenness that goes on and on, could be a sign of a general malaise, more technically called dysthymia in the psychology world.
In addition, there was a study that came out in February that unfortunately linked ADHD with this negative mood reactivity. I know this does not make anyone feel any better, but what it means is the reactivity is not their fault. It comes from something not working properly in the brain, and can often be handled with the proper medication treatment (and helped by Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).
It may not help when you are on the receiving end of a lot of anger, but it's good to remember that the person expressing the anger is not a very happy person. So when someone is venting a lot of anger, the best thing to do is to say something like, "I'm not going to engage with you when you are in this state. We can talk some more after we both take a break." And then just remove yourself from the situation. Time outs are the way to handle escalations of anger. Staying and engaging does not do anyone any good. Nor does it ever resolve anything, because again, anger is not where the real feelings are.
If you can take a time out, it's good to go back when the dust has settled, and talk with your partner to explore both of your feelings under the anger. One way to approach this is to volunteer the following: "I'm always sad (or disappointed) when we argue. I'd so prefer it if we could work things out from a calmer place." Only you know if your partner is open to that kind of conversation. Clearly, if they continue to be in an angry space, this kind of conversation will not work. But it is still valuable to realize that the anger is very often covering something deeper, even when we think that it's not.
I wish you the best.
Anger
Submitted by c ur self on
My anger was hardly ever because I was mad...It was what surfaced when my efforts to communicate my love failed...Or when my expectations to be loved wasn't met...
I understand this
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hello c ur self,
It was what surfaced when my efforts to communicate my love failed...Or when my expectations to be loved wasn't met...
I know this is a part of the dynamic in my own marriage. The end result of failed attempts at communication. My own spouse sits in that same position as you described. I sit on the opposite side of the fence. What transposes our communication? I do not understand. I know I am feeling I am running out of options to communicate what is happening on my own side of the fence and try to understand what is on his side, too.
Here is an example:
Me: I would like a green box, made of wood, that 18" x 18".
Him: OK, I can fulfill that request.
And then. . . . . he will make it out of plastic, because that will be better than wood, and he will make it 3 feet by 3 feet, because bigger is better, and he will make it purple because it is my favorite color.
And I will be disappointed because he didn't listen to what I said, and he will be upset because he wanted to make it better than I had requested.
And I am hurt because I felt he didn't hear me, and he is angry because he tried his best and it was not good enough.
Yes.
Submitted by Standing on
Perfect green box illustration.
I say, Thank you, and let it go.
i do not take offense, yet it is another brick in the wall between us. Not because he did not hear me, but because I am simply invisible to him in every way. I can appreciate the purple box. What i CANNOT do is become the person who wanted and requested the purple box in the first place.
Commentary
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Standing,
I believe every one in every walk of life has a 'green box episode.' And being on the receiving end of someone trying to give you 'the best you could ever get' IS special.
The 'green box episode' is a running commentary in my marriage. It no longer feels nice, I feel controlled, I feel disrespected, I feel disregarded, I feel like my own desires are not respected, I feel bogged down under hundreds and hundreds of 'green box episodes.' I can no longer shake them off. I can no longer find a way to make his way OK.
Sad to say, I HAVE witnessed him try. It will take a day, a week, a month, maybe even a year of him TRYING to make what I wanted feel comfortable to him. then, he will blow sky high, have a fit and yell that he never wanted to do it my way in the first place, but he tried because he was SUPPOSED to.
I DO NOT want him to be there. I understand who he is. I am getting - actually probably am - at the place where I see how we do not work as a couple. We are BOTH wonderful people. We just clash in such a way it makes our marriage sour.
Now, throw in his being stuck in that horrible victim mentality, and I hurt very deeply for him.
I was shaving and saw my enemy;)
Submitted by c ur self on
Love is something that flows in and out...You can't instruct a person on what it should look like or how it should play out...That's not love, it's following directions :)... If I can just learn to be more thankful, and more loving. And let my expectations die...Expectations are the biggest killer of romance ever...
Expectations
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
Hi C,
*Wink Wink* That wasn't the enemy, that was you :)
Expectation: A belief that is centered on the future. A belief that someone will achieve something.
I most definitely have expectations. Expectations that I will do better tomorrow than I did today. Expectations that if someone tells me they will do something, that they will. Expectations that my marriage partner will have sex with only me. Expectations that my children will grow up to be fine upstanding citizens.
Now, there is unrealistic expectations that can certainly cause unbearable stress. "You will make $100,00 a year." "You will spend lots of money on me for my birthday." My child will be president of the United States.
Expectations, dreams, hopes, those are some of the wonders of what tomorrow may bring. They keep me alive and excited and encouraged that tomorrow will be brighter.
Expectations
Submitted by c ur self on
That wasn't the enemy, that was you :) I Know...How well I Know...:)
I most definitely have expectations. Expectations that I will do better tomorrow than I did today. Now that's the good kind...more of us should have them that apply to us :)
I have a few: 1) I expect myself to not to be troubled in my spirit when my wife doesn't comply with my expectations for our marriage:)...2) I expect myself to be wise enough to not respond to dead end comments...3) I expect myself to be at peace in my spirit regardless of the circumstance's that surround me in this life. 4) I expect myself to know the limitations of the guy in the mirror enough to apologize and ask for forgiveness when I can't keep my first 3 expectations :)
I did have a little success on #2 last night...Time got away from me and I was busy doing something (probably on this forum) when my wife came through the door from work about midnight...She blurted out as soon as came in the door...Thank You for turning the light on for me!...LOL...I didn't say anything, she came down the hall and I was setting at my desk and she said " Did you hear me?"...I calmly said yes I heard you, but since it's been important to me to make sure the light is own for my wife before I go to bed for the last few years...Then I didn't feel I needed to respond to you, since you know how faithful I am to do that...She walked on down the hall into the bedroom...And I heard a calm voice say...Your right, I'm sorry...This marriage has a wonderful chance, if I don't feed the monster...I'm not calling her a monster...The monster is an attitude that will cause words to come out of one's mouth (esp. my own) with the intent to save one's life by shining light on our truth...But because the carnal mind is usually shut down to this truth the reverse happens...Darkness:(...So, for me it is so much better to let my no response shine the light of truth...The quiet always reflects the original action in this house...eventually;)...Even if that reflection only produces more quiet...Which is also a victory in this house :)
c ur self
Submitted by Standing on
About your expectations... I am going to print those and post a copy on bathroom mirror and at my desk, and also carry a copy in my purse. :)
First, I think there needs to be another on the list... possibly a new number one, even, to fit properly into the sequence. Something like: Speak the truth in love.
It is one of the most difficult, I think. Especially when there is such a history of being misinterpreted, blamed, interrupted, shamed, silenced, ignored, and forgotten.
I give up on fixing another human being and I leave that in God's hands, right? But I am still there, an active participant in his life, to be salt and light. Salt burns in the best of circumstances. With add, it often creates an inferno. So we must be sweet salt. And fully armored. I get it.
What I don't get is how to live out that new number one in conjunction with numbers 2-5. If number one gets glossed over and the other's darkness drives away the light, then I must keep distance or else get enveloped in that darkness. Without truth, there is nothing.
Good Morning Standing:)
Submitted by c ur self on
(First, I think there needs to be another on the list... possibly a new number one, even, to fit properly into the sequence. Something like: Speak the truth in love.) Yes dear Sister, this is a good one...But, sadly even the truth spoken in love, if it falls on deaf ears...Only beats the wind...I covered that down at the bottom where I discussed the shutting down of the carnal mind to hearing...and you covered it right here;)....(I give up on fixing another human being and I leave that in God's hands, right?)...Jesus could have spoken the truth in love as he false accused and beaten...but the bible state's he opened not his mouth...why sister do you think that was?...It is a wonderful thing when we can calmly share the truth in love with a heart and mind that is open and caring...Where defensiveness has been put to death...But, dear sister, that takes two people with the same desire...I know God loves us all, but each individual heart must open up to that Grace and truth so it can receive and rest in that love...So expectations 1-3 is possible in him...
Good Morning, brother :)
Submitted by Standing on
Okay, but I am not talking about speaking the truth in love while my husband accuses and berates me. At those times, I walk away silently.
Jesus knew what was in the hearts of men. He was on a special mission and had no need to defend himself to those who attacked him in their blindness. Some people I think are reprobates and I would not engage in any more truth telling with them, either. But I am talking about someone with whom I am supposed to live as One.
If I stop telling the truth, then I feel like a silent accomplice in my husband's delusions. Here is an example:
He bought a motorcycle, but he does not have the motorcycle endorsement on his driver's license. He rarely drives the thing (was an impulse buy- surprise!) but yesterday he took it on a 50 mile round trip. So I looked it up - what is the penalty for driving without the endorsement? Same as driving without a license, plus - in the case of accident or injury, your insurance is void. Fines, impound, penalties, suspension of license, imprisonment, lawsuits... death.... all possible. Being hitched to someone with such poor judgment, who risks such consequences, makes me want to run for legal separation. This is the truth I wonder about sharing.
I don't tell this self-proclaimed Christian man that he should be reading his Bible, praying, and going to church. I don't tell him that he should get himself to the dentist and take better care of himself. I don't give him any shoulds at all, even when they directly impact me. But I feel personally negligent in remaining silent about some of the choices he makes, because we are still legally bound together. Some things cannot be over spiritualized, don't you think?
What do we do?
Submitted by c ur self on
What do we do?
My wife and I went to North Carolina probably 4 or 5 years ago now...It was on one of those Continuing Education training deals for me...I always took her along, just so we could spend time together...it was kind of like a mini vacation for us. Her Driver license was expired a month before we left...So I told her you need to take care of that...And like she does with most things...She informed me she had a 30 day grace period...So I checked NC law and there wasn't one (grace period)....So we get there in my truck and she decides she's going to enjoy running all over town while I'm in class...I called my agent and tell her the situation...She let me know, she wouldn't be covered...So I told her she could not drive my the truck while I was in class and why. I told her she had the exercise room, pool etc...and when I got out of class around 4 we could do stuff in town..When I got out of class I found her in bed. She run up a room service charge and 50.00 worth of movies on my CC (I had to have the hotel cut it off) and wouldn't speck to me at all that night..So the next day I'm in class and she has taken a bus over to the Billy Graham museum...She had been so loved by those people and the impression it made on her just changed her whole countance..She acted like the past 24 hours had never happened. Easy come easy go I guess ;)....Similar story's Hay :)...I've tried speaking the truth in love and she isn't interested in but only one truth, and that's the one in her head. This kind of stuff hasn't happened since we got back together...She's grown some in recognizing her independence at any cost streak wasn't going to fly and hopefully I'm a little wiser. So what do we do? Steps 1-3...And speak to truth in love when and if I can catch her at a cognitive moment of reality...In short sentence's, with a happy face, and kind soft voice :) did I forget anything?
So this experience cost you some money on your credit card
Submitted by Standing on
and another night of silence, but you were able to tell your wife that she could not drive your truck.
Are you suggesting that I tell my husband he cannot drive his motorcycle?
On Edit: Just so you know, I do not mean for that to sound snarky. I am seriously asking! It never occurred to me to "tell" him that he must not drive his motorcycle without the proper license. And if that is what you meant... how would I respond if he did it anyway? Steps 1 - 3 do not take into account those circumstances in which he puts my entire future at risk. My acceptance of his foolishness does not impress upon him the need to use better judgment, it only enables him to put us at greater risk.
NO..I'm not...
Submitted by c ur self on
What I'm saying is we can't allow our emotions to be dragged down a gravel road and roasted over an open flame because we think there is one thing we can do stop our mates from making unwise decisions...The lord promises us that if we honor him with our lives...He will sanctify our spouses and children also...He also tells us to be anxious over nothing...So, If you have a concern about your husbands actions...And you call his attention to it in love (and a pray for him about this time want hurt) then walk away in peace step 1-3...It's all you or I can do...ALL...If we push it we will end up on step 4....
Proverbs talks about two kinds of people; those who live foolishly and those who live wisely...I've lived foolishly to long...But, no one could change that for me until my eyes were opened...And it takes God's love to do that....So just love him;)
I see, thank you.
Submitted by Standing on
c ur self, I have a different take on 1 Corinthians 7:14, and that is really neither here nor there. I agree with you about not being dragged around by emotions, etc... However!
You did say that you Told your wife she Can Not drive the truck without a license. You did not simply say, Why sure, dear, go ahead and do as you please, even though the insurance agent says there is no coverage. You did not leave it to the Lord to make that situation work out alright, you did what any prudent, responsible adult would do - you said, No.
Hey sister believe me I understand....
Submitted by c ur self on
I did not take it snarky...remember we live in the same situations...Do you realize there are many marriages that end...Mine might, yours might...But how should that happen...With us mad and bitter...Or leaving with a broken heart and at peace because our mates keep living so unwisely we had to walk away?
I am not mad and bitter, brother c ur self
Submitted by Standing on
I am trying to behave like an adult in the midst of chaos and part of that is setting adult boundaries on what sort of behavior I will tolerate within my inner circle.
My trust in the Lord is strong. My faith in my husband's judgment is nil. I have no desire to rage at him about his terrible decisions or to cause him any pain, only to make it clear and securely set that I will not allow those decisions to permanently damage the rest of my life. That is not bitterness, it is me taking responsibility for my own protection because my husband will not or can not.
You are a man. Your wife's role is not to be your protector. It is different for a woman. I do not want to rule over my husband. I will simply not sit idly by and allow him to create a problem which would take away my home.
Great....
Submitted by c ur self on
I wasn't implying you are bitter...but, I see so much of it...and it had such a negative impact in my life...I just know its something we must guard against...I'm thankful you are handling the chaos so well...:)
From bitterness and anger through sadness and into
Submitted by Standing on
acceptance. It is what it is. He is what he is. I've always accepted his distraction, his forgetfulness, his mess, and his incessant interruptions. I have made room for all of the above in my life for 10 years and learned to adjust. I get it. He can't help it. I'll stick with him through his evaluation and whatever he may decide to do with the results. I'm not talking about filing for a divorce, I'm not considering seeking a new mate. Legal separation is the only option which offers me some sense of security in my ability to fend for myself by God's grace, since it is clear that I cannot rely on my husband. I have a couple grandchildren and I'd like to be able to send them little gifts, maybe even to visit them occasionally. My husband's inability and unwillingness to manage his impulses could deprive me of that and I find that unacceptable. I am also quite aware of the fact that he may not forgive my actions if I file for legal separation, because he is unable or unwilling to comprehend how his choices impact me and my future. That will be his choice and I will still, by God's grace, not be bitter or angry. It's all I've got, brother. Acceptance. He has showed me who he is, I am invisible to him, and since I do not want to give up my very existence for his sake, I must protect my interests in the most loving, gracious manner possible.
Acceptance...
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree, you said it as good as it could be said...I've got a two grandchildren also...a boy 6, and girl 2....Aren't they awesome!
2 little girls :)
Submitted by Standing on
and both live far off. I don't want to live like a queen, only be able to send them presents and visit occasionally.
What made me angry and would have led to bitterness was trying to resign myself to a future deprived of those simple pleasures. Resignation is not good! And i am not a quitter. :)
Wisdom
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
NLKohlenberger,
So I understand some of those psychological dynamics. I know so well that "Hurting people hurt people." That said, it does not give the person a free pass to continue hurting others because he/she is hurting.
"Only you know if your partner is open to that kind of conversation."
I wish I could see that willingness in my own spouse. I see and feel his defensive actions. He carries SO MUCH hurt from his 57 years of walking God's green earth. It is no wonder he gets paralyzed and cannot seem to move forward. His pride in himself has turned into pridefulness.
I believe my place on this earth, my job, is to be the nurturer of my spouse's heart. Everything MUST be balanced. Sometimes I give a bit more, sometimes I receive a bit more. In that sense, the scales have been out of balance fro a very long time. If it were only me who sees this and felt this, I would have to take myself to task and review. The more I have tried, the more counselors we have seen, the more books I have read, the more I have tried to 'suck it up' the wearier I have become in my marriage relationship.
There HAS to be room for me. It does not need to be ABOUT me. I need a voice that is heard.
"Clearly, if they continue to be in an angry space, this kind of conversation will not work. But it is still valuable to realize that the anger is very often covering something deeper, even when we think that it's not."
I have believed for a very long time that there is something deep inside my spouse that has him - for lack of better terminology - "by the short hairs."
I feel for him, but cannot sacrifice all my joy, and all happiness for him. If I had some indicator from him that he is searching, it would be a whole different story. Every indication I get from him is that he is searching for answers to figure out his spouse's problems. And his brother's problems. And the problem's with the past 4 churches we have tried. And my brother's problems. And the problem of the man he . . . . . . .it goes on and on.
My wife tells me I am simply
Submitted by tounces7 on
My wife tells me I am simply stone-faced all the time, aka lacking expression.
I'm ADD-inattentive though, so I very rarely ever get angry. I would HATE to be ADD-hyperactive. My brain may not relax very much, but at least my body does.
Interesting
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
tounces7,
I am not ADHD. When I was in my early 20s, someone once said to me, "Your face is like a hard cold stone. No one can tell what you are thinking."
Since then, I have learned to let my face express my feelings :)
BRF Syndrome and Proud
Submitted by sunlight on
OT Humor (or is it?) follows
"Your face is like a hard cold stone. No one can tell what you are thinking."
I have BRF Syndrome too, I work every day to overcome it. I do. I say it must be genetic and it's not my fault nor a personality nor a moral nor an ethical failing. But that doesn't really help. Deep down I know I will always have BRF and somebody will spot it and judge me. The world is cruel to those who are 'different'.
So.... Am I the only person who remembers that about a year ago BRF hit the internet consciousness? And as it propagated esteemed plastic surgeons crawled out of the woodwork to reveal that indeed, they performed surgery for just this affliction since it could have such devastating effect on the lives of the afflicted. They didn't quit with the sales pitches even when BRF was repeatedly revealed as satire, insisting that yes, it is a Real Disorder and the cure only requires cutting and money.
The original video (mildly bad language):
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v98CPXNiSk
(BRF = Bitchy Resting Face, and yes, I have been accused of having it, but it does not define me, I'm really a smiley person but I have to work hard to fight against the prejudice if I ever, you know, slip for just a second at the wrong place or time.)
I have BRF. I get so tired of
Submitted by lauren07 on
I have BRF. I get so tired of being told to smile when I'm in a great mood;)
You Have to Learn to Control It Tounces7
Submitted by kellyj on
In light of what Nancie said....it still doesn't change the fact that we (ADD or ADHD ) have to learn ways to control the things that have an affect on others.....the same holds true for everyone else including not showing our moods or anger (reacting) even if we are feeling otherwise for the other persons sake. You can learn to control things even if it is not your nature or is difficult. Trust me on that, but it always isn't easy. I never tell people to expect 100% compliance but I shoot for 80% as a goal. I figure that's high enough for a passing grade.
My mother always taught me " manner's aren't for you, they are for everyone else." She had a point and the same holds true for everything we do unless we're alone.....
Side Note to your comment that you would HATE to have ADHD. Speaking for myself.....the physical part of ADHD is one of the best parts once you learn how to use it to your advantage. If I had the choice of a Ferrari or a Hundai I'd take the Ferrari in a heart beat except in traffic with other people in front of you to slow you down. When you own a Ferrari you find alternative routes with open road so you can fly and avoid traffic even if it's the long route. It may take longer but at least your drive home is fun....it doesn't get any better than that. The only part that sucks is getting old and my body is becoming weak and worthless ( kidding ) but that's true for most of us. Just say'in
J
Thanks for all the comments
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Thank you ALL for the great comments. I ESPECIALLY LOVE the green BOX illustration. I've had many, many green box episodes in our long term marriage, and after so many green boxes, there are times I would like a "pink" one. :) It does make one FEEL like their feelings just "don't matter" to the spouse to only wants to make green ones. On top of THAT, if you don't get AS EXCITED about the 100th green box, as you did the FIRST one, your spouse get disappointed and thinks you don't like them anymore. (a continual parent/child dynamic but with someone who's supposed to be your helpmate)
Thanks to all you guys, you're the greatest.
The looming parent/child dynamic
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
dedelight4,
Oh, how would love if my spouse could see "the big picture." His brain zones in on something, and I am unable to direct him to see it in a different way.
Why, no, Dear Spouse, this is NOT about the value of the item. A plastic one-square-yard purple box IS nice. It is just NOT what I asked for.
Why, no, Dear Spouse, I am not saying you do poor work. A plastic one-square-yard purple box IS nice. It is just NOT what I asked for.
Why, yes, Dear Spouse, it is wonderful craftsmanship, A plastic one-square-yard purple box IS nice. It is just NOT what I asked for.
Why, no, Dear Spouse, I did not say you can never do anything right. A plastic one-square-yard purple box IS nice. It is just NOT what I asked for.
Why, yes, Dear spouse, I can be satisfied. A plastic one-square-yard purple box IS nice. It is just NOT what I asked for.
Why, no, Dear Spouse, I DID NOT say you were stupid. A plastic one-square-yard purple box IS nice. It is just NOT what I asked for.
Why, yes, Dear Spouse, YOU DID get my favorite color correctly. A plastic one-square-yard purple box IS nice. It is NOT what I asked for.
Why, no, Dear spouse, I am not telling you I never want you do make anything for me ever again. A plastic one-square-yard purple box IS nice. It is NOT what I asked for.
And so on.
And so on.
And so on.
Break the cycle is what I can do. Not ask him for anything? Just say Thank You and and go make my own, and have the 2nd version of the above?
And, as I have learned so well in the recent months, one episode would not be anything from which I could not easisly recover. But the pattern, the repeat episodes are what has gotten me to where I am. Bewildered.
I WANT someone who will hear me. I WANT a helpmate. I WANT a partner. It is not about him. It is about the marriage dynamic. Who he is is A fine Man, God designed. What he DOES. . . . . .now there's the rub.
pissy face indeed
Submitted by kathy6521 on
I walked into the living room with a camera that my husband did not know I had. I said his name, he looked at me and I took a picture. I call it the "I hate my wife" look. He says he's happy and does not realize he looks that way. What am i to think when that is the way he always looks at me?
If looks could kill, we would all be dead by now ;)
Submitted by c ur self on
We human's have emotions, intellect, a soul and a spirit....Which do you think plays a role in our facial expressions?
I would just trust him and believe that he is happy:)