I just broke up with my partner of 3.5 years. He's not diagnosed but has textbook behaviors. He was stonewalling AGAIN, after an argument that escalated because he took my concerns about a legitimate safety issue as a personal attack. I GOT DONE with the RSD, especially... but also the communication issues, the selfishness, the whole deal. I feel sad in some ways but also relieved. I am glad I finally made a break, but also disgusted with myself that this was always a dead horse and I beat the shit out of it, let him get away with far too much emotional abuse of me, I just made excuses for it, set boundaries that I didn't enforce well enough. I pushed back on the verbal and emotional abuse but should have enforced my boundary by leaving long ago. Hindsight is 20/20.
He's not a horrible person, but he was a harmful partner. I am not as sad as I thought I would be, probably because of how bad it was feeling to go through the cycle. But I do feel taken advantage of. I feel a deep sense of disillusionment and regret, I feel a fool. I allowed it, I know I am responsible for myself. I just didn't get out as soon as I ought to have. I have to just go through the feelings.
You're actually amazing though
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
It's really hard when you're in it. Especially if the beginning was good, it's hard to reconcile all the bad things that start happening. It's great that you see where you could do more next time/in retrospect, but at the same time, don't be so hard on yourself. You got out in just 3.5 years?? Do I ever wish I had found your strength and clarity that early on. It took me about 10-15 bad years to leave after 5 decent years. I wish I'd left at year 6.
So to me, you're amazing! So happy for you that you feel relieved. Me too! And all that matters is that you DID do it. It takes courage and self awareness to leave. One-year-from-now you is going to thank the hell out of you!
Yup
Submitted by MATTHD on
14 years here and I'd probably go back if she called me up because I'm addicted to the chaos. And yes, it's helpful to consider what you get out of enabling poor behavior. In my case, I get to be the rescuer, the martyr, the smart one, the better communicator, etc.
Hmmmm
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
14 years, I couldn't. I don't feel addicted to chaos, I loathe it. For me, it was a bit of the sunk cost fallacy, along with the fact that he was a fantastic grandpa to my grandkids. There were a lot of up sides and it really seemed he loved and valued me, the RSD behaviors made no sense. Cognitive dissonance reigned maybe. It was confusing, disappointing, and also had the effect that abuse does I doubted myself.
I wanted things that the relationship provided, but the cost was high. I'll figure it out over time , I know I grew a lot to get to the point of ending it, I had to get to a certain level of progress to see the light and take action to put my well being first. So it's not all a loss, I came to another level with my own personal journey. It just sucks to have another one bite the dust, in some ways it was the best and most real relationship I ever had. Until he does something so insensitive or shows me that red angry RSD face spouting nasty things, then I don't know who he is. He's an enigma to me, I doubt more than ever if I ever really knew him. Jekyll Hyde, kind of. Ugh.
Thank you
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
Thank you for your encouragement. I can't wait to get to the one year mark, lol. We are going to try to co-parent my grandbabies, he was very involved with them and good at that. They are all very attached. I have to try to have excellent boundaries and be no contact emotionally, only contact for logistics. It won't be easy as I have a lot to say which is a fools errand because he's the stonewaller, it's a vicious cycle when it comes to talking about anything of consequence. There's no coming to terms with anything with someone like him, it's definitely got to be an independent thing but the gross way I feel makes me want to vindicate myself or something, or ask questions which I know he'd never answer in a way that made sense to me. And then he'd let slip how unstable he thinks I am, or something. The irony.
I know the urge to ask
Submitted by Swedish coast on
This is very relatable to me. I have always had this tremendous need to clear up the emotional mess after my ADD ex-husband's rage episodes.
He would scream abuse at me, illogical and random, trying to hurt me by any means, while repeatedly withdrawing behind closed doors to avoid me. Since I keep my cool, I remembered it all. Every mean insult, every generalized accusation.
Then came other days when he was calm and sweet. Nobody would believe the rage in him if they saw him then. It's only ever been for me.
And I felt I had to ask. Did he actually mean what he had said the other day?
None of these questions from me ever led to anything good. Mostly, he was deeply ashamed, apologized, and then had to be comforted. In a few weeks, or months, the rage would then reappear and I got another earful of the same abuse.
At the end of our relationship he confirmed that he had meant what he had said lately. He never could speak up for himself unless in rage. So while I was always anxiously asking for his opinion, there were no answers. Only when screaming at me, he expressed himself against what he felt was suppression of him.
I think I understand your need for an explanation from your partner. Its terrifying to have put your trust and your physical safety in the hands of someone who does what my ex-husband does. I for my part have found I have to settle for explanations I make myself. Such as: he's troubled by his incapacity. He needs me as a scapegoat to preserve his self-image. He's partly innocent, because he doesn't know how much he hurts me, and he doesn't remember afterwards what he said in rage. He can't differentiate between categories like I can, so to him all is a blur. He has no sense of future so doesn't see how his behavior towards me will affect co-parenting and what his children will think of him.
I'm writing the story of our marriage in my mind, as he is moving out. There has been much love in the past and we've both exhausted ourselves trying to save the relationship. But the end note is invariably depressing. He says I've abused him and made him lose his will to live. Without me, he will function like he hasn't for years. And he now more than ever seems to move in another universe, that has nothing in common with mine. Morally, emotionally or otherwise.
The sense of security and the validation I crave, will obviously never come from him. Neither will clarity. Still, I can't help wanting to ask those questions. It's so impossible to believe I've lived a couple of decades with this man, and his mind is still opaque to me.
I'm so sorry!
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
Swedish, yes yes yes to everything you wrote, and I'm so sorry that you've invested so much time with this man who could not reciprocate qhat you had to offer. I feel punched in the heart and face from just the relatively short time that I compromised my boundaries and legitimate needs. I have faced a complete lack of empathy from him and I suspect he truly means everything he ever said to accuse or demean. And I shudder. But, I am not taking his opinions of me to heart. He was the person he is long before he met me. It was I who rationalized and denied, minimized and tolerated. That part of me healed here. I feel more empowered than ever, by taking responsibility for not protecting myself before, and taking action to protect myself now. I forgive myself. I have been doing meditations for healing, extending empathy to myself (I've sent enough his way for now!), and refusing to take on his projection and his blame.
So disturbing
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm sorry for your pain too. Glad to hear you have empathy for yourself. Self-care is a precious skill and I'm sure the best way forward.
The ADD effect on my family is profound and intensely disturbing. I'm bedridden with headache today when the divorce is finally completed and I've managed the first week on my own with the children. I can't describe what's happened to me over the years, even less understand or process it. It's going to be a long winter.
All the best to you.
I minimized and tolerated the abuse of his RSD
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
It's so strange, the toxic ability myself and others here have to minimize, excuse, rationalize, deny, and tolerate the verbal, emotional, and psychological abuse of RSD.
The motivation for the abuse may or may not be different, and it's a brutal trap to be stuck on that point and therefore unable or unwilling to take appropriate action to protect ourselves from abuse.
Gaslighting is gaslighting, whether it comes from defensiveness or the desire to control.
Character assassination is character assassination, false accusations are false accusations, even if the person making them feels a lot of emotional pain due to the sense of rejection.
Deflection and blame are toxic, even if the person engaging in such negative communication patterns is super hurt by the suggestion that they have crossed a boundary or made a mistake.
I have to take responsibility for the fact that I struck a terrible deal for myself when I chose to continue the relationship that contained clear elements of abuse. No, I am not responsible for his abuse. No, I wasn't an angry nag. No, I don't have to be and do better in order to not make myself a target of his emotionally immature defensive and offensive tactics.
Yes, I am responsible for my wellbeing. I struck a very bad deal for myself here, and I was misguided in my efforts to support someone who had little concern for my wellbeing and much concern for his own comfort zone. He didn't recognize his own liabilities, and that's the key right there. I overfunctioned for someone incapable of refraining from mistreating me in conflict. That's my error. The rest means very little to me now. Had I not had the incorrect and unhealthy response to abuse initially, the relationship would have ended after our first major conflict.
So, the ability to communicate respectfully in conflict and refrain from blatant and well known abuse tactics(whatever the underlying brain activity) is finally a MUST for me when it comes to an intimate relationship.
I accepted far more mistreatment in this dynamic than I would anywhere else. If a "friend" spoke to me the way he did, the friendship would be over! If a boss did the same, my resignation would be swift. If a stranger behaved this way with me, I would correctly surmise that there is something deeply wrong with them that has nothing to do with me, and I would be sure to steer clear and not allow a repeat.
I heard it said, there are no victims, only volunteers. To me, that's not shaming and blaming myself... its LIBERATING and empowering. I CAN CHANGE MY RESPONSE to what doesn't serve or suit or support me.
And I have.
Congratulations
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Congratulations on that victory of getting through the week, Swedish. It's not easy, but it will get better. Your strength is inspiring to others and I bet you'll be inspired by yourself when you look back years from now. Take care of your wonderful self.
Thank you Melody
Submitted by Swedish coast on
I'm warmed by your support. Unlike our friend above, I suck at self care at this point and instead listen to my ex-husband's hurtful words on repeat in my head. Thank you for reminding me that we're all worthy.
Yes
Submitted by Swedish coast on
Melody is so right. You can be proud of yourself.
Thank you
Submitted by CANTGOBACK (not verified) on
I think I'll try to make a list of ways I've grown to focus on. I know I evolved, I'm not the same person who went in.