I just found this forum and I finally don't feel alone. Seems like there are a lot of stories about dead marriages, but I'm hoping for some to hear some success stories. I am not ready to give up yet. I'm feeling pretty hopeless today and can barely function. I'm contemplating leaving (again) but I don't have it in me yet. I love my wife dearly but our story is the same as all I've read here. I feel like I'm pushed and pushed and then finally break and can't leave the situation alone. I've been pushed so far that I've had a couple of full on break downs. To be fair I know I am to blame too and will openly admit that. I have mood swings too and my natural response is to give up. But as soon as I retreat I just want to fix everything. Does anyone else feel this way? I've sought counseling, taken medication, I'm totally sober, and no matter how hard I try I can't fix it. My wife is a good hearted person and dedicated mother. As a wife she has all but forgotten me. She says she loves me and would not have any level of success without me, but as soon as she is in a bad mood I am the kicking boy and she doesn't even realize the pain she puts me though. Any advice will be appreciated.
Thanks for listening.
Sometimes I have a success story, sometimes I don't
Submitted by Dagmar on
The thing to understand is that it's not going to change. It will get better, but dumb stuff will still happen. However, if your spouse is like mine, taking steps to leave will cause her to go into hyperfocus on you again and things will improve for a while. I'm not really recommending you attempt to leave as a manipulation tactic, it's just what happens.
You just have to sort out what is the ADHD and what is actual bad behavior on her part. We just went through this in marriage counseling this week. I was saying that I can't tell if he does these things to be manipulative or if he's really that clueless. I mean, I don't think he does these things to manipulate me, but I can't talk about the things he does with other people without them becoming horrified. (The particular incident in question was from a few years ago when he made plans to move across the country in two weeks and only told me when I asked the right questions.) The therapist said "what's his end game? What would he benefit from doing these things to you on purpose?" So that's the question you have to ask yourself. Then you have to figure out if it's worth your time.
It's so true, and being the
Submitted by chi689 on
It's so true, and being the ADD spouse sometimes it's even hard to believe how horrible I have been. It's gotten to the point where I cannot tell anyone how I abandoned her emotionally and practically (everything but my physical presence) during her pregnancy with our first. I also did it during a horrible physical experience after the birth of ou second. It's so difficult because today it gets harder even for me to suss whether I am reacting to something cognitively or just making ADHD mistakes with a good effort. Sometimes (and this is the most sinister part of ADHD) is that with the same effort I muster up two very different work products on the same task (cleaning the kitchen). Like, I'll miss a counter that I had done hundreds of times before and had a systems completely committed to memory, she'll get horribly upset (because of course she should, it's been the same thing for 6 years). I then hyper-focus for a time and the cycle continues.
I'm at the point now where I'm not sure, for her, if it's worth her time anymore (Both of us are that demoralized). But I'm going to fight for us until it's too late.
Hello Ryan
Submitted by c ur self on
The term "Success Stories" will need defined, when one is married to a high level add mind...For my marriage, success mean's or we cohabitating on a level where no, or minimal suffering is going on by our own hands, or the hands of the other.
From my experience and based on your comments, you could be your own worst enemy in many ways....Your efforts to "fix it" instead of "accept it" is probably a large part of your own emotional trauma....I can't help but feel for you, because I walked in your shoes for years....Please stop attempting to fix it, and consider boundaries that force you, and her, to not share in anything that you know is, and has, caused conflict....
IF your like I use to be, I would ignore it as long as I could, then when I addressed it, I would be so full of anxiety, my efforts where useless, because my angry only gave her mind of denial a target to dump her blame....So never any progress...
c
Same boat
Submitted by Exhausted44 on
I wish I had a magic answer for you. I am in the same situation with my husband. He is a good man, but horrible partner. We have been married 23 years. Started having issues almost immediately. It's so tough because they don't see the effect their adhd has on them, or us, or anything- because they have ADHD. They don't see it, so they don't see the need to fix it. They don't see us struggling. I get called a "control freak" and told I will never be happy no matter what, when all I want is for him to take responsibility for something, anything. So, I don't have any answer for you, but I can send a hug your way. I think until they realize they have a problem nothing will change. And that doesn't happen very often.
Fix it
Submitted by davinci89 on
I go through periods of wanting to "fix it" but maybe in a different definition than most would apply it. "Fix it" to me is taking the time to better understand the situation, how it started, progressed and resulted and learning about the ADHD pattern so I may avoid it again. That is a "fix" for me rather than acting differently or trying to change his behavior overtly. I figure if I can learn more about the pattern, the more I can head the bad stuff off at the pass. However, I must say, I get caught up sometimes and just want to be heard or feel loved and it spirals. My partner won't talk about the idea of ADHD and medication is for weaklings. My success is that the more I learn the better I feel about my position, and how I might be able to whack a mole in a timely fashion. I also have made the choice that the best things for me, is to know I have done the best I can do for him and us and if it still makes me feel small and hurt, then I will leave. This forum was one of those steps, devouring material another, setting boundaries, simple, short straight talk, observing his signs closely, and really trying hard to keep my own emotions at bay. I love how his brain works, how he can get over things quickly and move on, its just the anger, cruel talk and rejection sensitivity that takes me down. I hope you can look at your own relationship and find successes and see what you might be able to do to reinstate certain things. Best of love to you and your partner.
Their is no true success with
Submitted by SJC2021 on
Their is no true success with ADHD. Just managed .
I dated someone who was oblivious to how she affected me. Oblivious. Every time.
No matter what you do, how nice you are, how hard you try, they never " get it ". Never.
It's Groundhog Day over and over, fighting over the same crap because their brain just simply never keeps the information long enough to make it stick.
There won't be many success stories I'm afraid.
Groundhog Day for sure!
Submitted by JillP on
We can talk about something in the morning and my husband has forgotten it by lunchtime. Long term memory is great, short term memory is not. For instance, he can remember plenty of things like technical knowledge or family history, but not what we're having for dinner. He used to chronically double book himself with friends and it led to a lot of friendships being lost unfortunately over the years. We used to miss family events because his family didn't clue in to tell me. He won't use a paper or electronic calendar, despite having a smartphone, so he just relies on me to know what he's doing. It's exhausting. I really sympathize with what he's going through. I know it's hard for him because he was bullied and labelled as a child, but there's no one to see how hard it is for me. I worry about the risk of being called ableist when I complain about these things, but there's my reality too.
There are good times and bad times like any relationship, but ADHD is an unwelcome third partner in our lives. There are days when I'm a treasured spouse, an unpaid support worker or neglected partner and I never know which one it will be.