I met the love of my life last year and he has ADHD. I've just now had this confirmed by a family member of his, apparently he was diagnosed as a child and was medicated for years. He no longer takes the medication for the ADHD. He has yet to discuss this issue with me except to say that he has " accomplished a lot for a special ed kid". So this is what has brought me here to this wonderful and informative web site. I don't know what to do with him. I love him with all of being but I can't stand his behavior. I've read several blogs on this site and now know that I've being handling the ADHD all wrong. I've taken control of every aspect of our lives because I lack the faith in him to complete anything. He gets so angry with me sometimes it borders on emotional abuse (the anger mostly steaming from the control I keep over everything), and I in turn get angry back. I've been unfairly snippy and frustrated with everything he does and says and I know this only makes things worse. I feel very hopeless, lost and depressed. He has definitely noticed a change in my behavior but thinks that its entirely my issues getting in the way of our relationship. I know that its the ADHD but how do I tell him this? I really think we could have a strong healthy relationship if we both worked together to overcome the ADHD, there is nothing more that we both want than to be happy together.
Lost and in need of Help
Submitted by dparisien80 on 07/26/2010.
I can't tell you what to
Submitted by Pink on
I can't tell you what to do... but male with ADHD are very emotional and they take the "ADHD" like a hiding problem and no one should know about it. I just finish a counseling with my husband which we been married for 11 years and he is very emotional person. He hate it when someone tell him this is not you it is ADHD making you this. It is a long fight for life. Their emotion are very high. Good luck.
fastest response to what do I do?
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
The fastest response to "what do I do?" is to start by reading my book (not because I'm hawking my book, but because it is clearly laid out there in a well organized fashion. This blog/forum is great but too disorganized to answer the 'what do I do?' question).
Second, the two of you need to learn lots more about each other and the way you think and the way that ADHD impacts you. You need to know lots about what trying to organize your life when you have ADHD feels like and how hard it is. He needs to comprehend just how intrusive his ADHD symptoms are for you. I have an entire chapter on this in the book, but since you are early in your relationship I'm guessing that you can also sit down and have a couple of conversations around it. There are also many, many stories here from both ADHD and non-ADHD partners that can help you both see that this isn't a problem that one or the other of you have, but a problem that couples with undertreated ADHD have.
Third, take control of yourself. Find ways to get things done without nagging - insist upon it. He needs to take responsibility for himself and that means figuring out what he needs to do to be able to sustain pitching in. You hurt the long-term relationship when you pick up the pieces after him for you sew the seeds of discontent. Be very overt about what you are doing - he won't initially like that you are asking him to do more because it will be hard to do more. But reiterate that you're not trying to tell him HOW to do his share, only requesting that he do it. Then leave him to figure out what sort of ADHD treatment will help him get there. Anyway - I tell non-ADHD partners to try to hold themselves to the highest standard. The "if you weren't angry everything would be okay" denial can't stand up against it.
You can turn this around with effort. Make sure you get onto your feet and feel comfortable that you can navigate the waters before you commit to having a family, though, because kids add stress.
Hope this helps.
Melissa
Submitted by dparisien80 on
Thanks so much for your advice. I plan to order your book today.
I can't tell you how much this site has helped me understand were my boyfriend is coming from. Now it is just a matter of helping him understand as well. I'm sure I will have a lot more to say as this process of understanding begins.
Thanks again,
Danielle
Simple Solution
Submitted by badadhd on
Truthfully and respectfully, I'd leave him. It seems from what I've read (and my own experiences) that people with ADHD who do NOT want to acknowledge their "condition" are not going to get any better and getting married will not and has never fixed any problems that were there before you got hitched. It's obvious you love the guy but no one can change another person and, from what it sounds like, he's not interested in changing anything (which makes it your fault, somehow). You can love someone with all your heart but you can't fix this alone. If you have these issues now, you'll probably have them after you're married, after you have kids, years and years could pass and it will still be a big problem and a BIG part of your life. Some people with ADHD just love themselves more than their significant others when they're not willing to look in front of them and see the Hell the person they love is enduring. If that's the case with you, I ask you why would you go through the rest of your life like this?
You are correct. that is the
Submitted by Pink on
You are correct. that is the life with ADD. The reason I am with my husband is because of the kids. Maybe part of it of myself which I don't want to live alone. That is the price I am paying for. On the other hand, I have a kid with ADD and now I am thinking about him... is he going to be alone? Is there no one going to love him or accept him because of his ADD? This is the first time it kind of hit me. I guest I will have to be nice to my husband and take care of him and hopping my son will not be lonely. Does that make sense?
Reply to your question
Submitted by badadhd on
What you're saying, as I see it, doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Anytime you hope for something and don't do anything about, nothing comes of it. Hoping someone, perhaps like you, will just accept your son's condition and will sacrifice her life very much like you feel you're sacrificing yours will NOT DO YOU OR YOUR SON ANY GOOD. Kids see their parents as the top example for anything important in life. If your son sees you waiting hand and foot on your husband and just accepting things as they are, he will expect 1) he can act the same way as your husband does and 2) he will expect his wife wait on him hand and foot in the same manner. Is that what you want? May I suggest setting a better example for him while at the same time getting your life back? Tell your husband what your relationship is doing to you, how it's affecting you and how important it is that he seek help. Any person with a heart would be more than willing to make his wife happy even if it meant going to counseling. I'm a non-ADHD spouse and I've done multiple sessions in order to fix things. If your husband refuses, then set the example by either having your rightful demands left or you'll leave. All the while, you can find help for your son NOW so he can get started on learning to function and live with his condition. This way he will see not only how important it is to be able to function as an adult and also how relationships cannot work if both people aren't working TOGETHER. It's a tough choice but life isn't perfect and the lesson your son will learn will serve him well. Just my take.
Thanks. My husband just
Submitted by Pink on
Thanks. My husband just started going to couple counseling and he takes the whole time there. They point everything on me. I just told the counselor that he has ADD and she said oh that nothing to do with it. She is playing game with me because she want to treat us both the same. She doesn't want to put him down. As for my son, he is only going to be 7 years old. I think that is too young for him to go to counseling. he does take his med since he was 6 and just yesterday he got angry and called me a lair (when his med wear off at 5). He is upset because I called his Medicine a vitamin. That because when he was 6 he refuse to take the ADD med and he tell me I am not sick. So that is why I change the name and he been doing well. Now, my husband is opening a full book to the counselor of how dare me change the name of it and lie to my son. Even though my husband knew how hard it was to give him the med and now both of them putting me down. I feel I am just been attached. Whereas I am just trying to please them. No one get it.
On the other hand I do teach my son a full responsibility and I treat him as a normal kid.
Lost and in Need of Help
Submitted by tracy2348 on
I too am lost and in need of help. I know that my husband of 15 years has ADHD but he refuses to even consider the possibility. We have a son who was recently diagnosed and my husband admits that he had many of same issues and struggles that my son has in school and at home; however, he refuses to accept that he has it too in spite of the fact that he has all of the classic symptoms. He will not even be tested for it. In the meantime, our marriage is suffering and I am ready to get a divorce because without him willing to acknowledge the problem and deal with it there's no hope for our marriage. The only reason I am holding on is because we have three children but I can not see myself in this same situation for another 15 years. I am so tired, angry and frustrated and at this point I just want out! Because of his illness we have struggled financially our entire marriage and his impulsiveness has caused so many financial and personal problems. I don't know what to do - I just want a happy home for my children and for me.