For those who have been married to an ADHD spouse with anger management issues, do those warm, fuzzy, loving feelings once felt ever return if they disappear?? H is a really good guy, and I mean that. Not a narcissist. Not manipulative. Attentive and loving (when in a good mood). Just not doing enough to prevent angry outbursts when he is triggered. After being diagnosed last year, he is FINALLY going to a different psychiatrist tomorrow to try different meds. I also believe he needs therapy. And he says he will do anything to fix this.
But the bigger problem is me. I feel numb. Like a shell. Tired of the same conversations over and over. Exhausted from defending myself during one of his random rants, and heartbroken that I have become a person I don’t like. I have no wish to be physically close. I don’t want him to try to hold my hand or cuddle. I don’t know what’s happening to me. I’m mentally separating from him, but it’s like I’m not doing it consciously. My heart took over and is making me stonewall and distance myself. My guard is permanently up and won’t go down. Does anyone understand this feeling? Can things be reversed if he does get treatment, or is it too late for me?
"My guard is permanently up
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
"My guard is permanently up and won’t go down. Does anyone understand this feeling?"
Yes. In my case, it applies to all men now. I don't like feeling this way, but I haven't been able to reason my way out of it. I don't believe that I can be in a successful relationship ever again.
Yup
Submitted by barneyarff on
Yup
Right after I left my husband my therapist asked if I thought I'd ever try marriage again. I replied "Nope. From now on I'm renting instead of buying"
He blushed clear up to his hairline.
This is sort of what I was
Submitted by Libby on
This is sort of what I was referring to in my Broken thread. I know I have changed and don't like what is happening to me. It feels like it is out of my control. Almost like I am mentally losing it. I am sorry you are going thru this. I am still in the muck of it so I don't have any answers as far as if things can be reversed. Just know that you are not alone in your feelings.
Sorry I'm putting this in the wrong thread
Submitted by barneyarff on
So now, after being away for a month (no contact) my husband has remembered to pay the utilities because he believed me I guess when I said that I would not.
Amazing.....
When I was almost dead from cancer.....so sick I could not sign my name to a check, and the utility companies would call and threaten to turn off stuff I had to explain I was too sick to write a check so most of the time they would take the information over the phone.
Even then, he let me figure it out instead of taking the few minutes to do it. Rat bastard.
One time the water company refused to (again ) take the information over the phone. I decided I had to try to get down there, and since I was in between chemo sessions, I decided I could risk it. Put my young teenage child in the car with me to help and got there. I kind of blanked out on the way home but we made it.
even then... he did not pay the utilities. Of course, I should have just let the water be turned off. I see that. But now---he can manage it because he knows I'll be rather amused if the electricity goes out and I will NOT BAIL HIM OUT.
Surely someone on this board knows how much this hurts.
I'm sorry barneyarff...
Submitted by c ur self on
You have been very mistreated!...My first wife died w/ cancer when she was 49...She lived almost 1 year after she was diagnosed w/ breast cancer. We went through breast removal surgery, chemo, and radiation...I watched her lose her hair, a lot of the feeling her feet...Cry from the pain and nerve damage, Nausea, Constipation, Weakness....I just wish I could have done more to comfort her, but, I was completely ignorant of what to expect....I'm sure some women (and men) handle it better than others...
Do not let the actions of one man bitter you....There are many many men who would have held your hand all the way through it.....
My present wife had breast cancer the same year my first wife did....I knew her in passing (worked down the hall from me) but was never formally introduced...I saw her once w/ a ball cap on at the grocery store (didn't know who she was, it was at a distance) and felt immediate empathy for her....She rolled her cart by me, and I smiled and said.."My wife has a haircut just like you"....She smiled, and said you don't know who I am do you?...I looked closely into her face, and said I do now, but, didn't know you were dealing w/ this....We talked a bit, and I encouraged her to call my wife and share info....I think they ran into one another at the CTC one day....
Shortly after that my wife got worse...I kind of forgot about talking to her, but, a few months after my wife passed away. I saw her in the hall and asked her how she was doing...She said fine, her hair was about 3 or 4 inches long by then...She was 46 and had never married....I went by her department one day, and we talked and laughed a bit....I asked her if she wanted to get some lunch the next day and she said yes...So about 10 minutes before we were to eat lunch, she called and said her next door neighbor called and said her dog was out....So she had to run home and put him up...I said fine, so I went up the hall headed to the cafeteria to eat alone...Her department was on the way...So as I am passing the door to the lab...She pops out right beside me and starts down the hall....And I will never forget what she said..."Are you stalking me"?...LOL...I should have known:)....
And so that was October...We married the next May....It's been 10 years....I told my wife a few days ago, that I am so tired of not being able to find Anniversary Cards for her....I have to read everyone there looking for the right one.....I told her, I want sappy!.....I have come to appreciate sappy!....
Yep...We can't make a person care for us, we can't make a person want to love us and devote themselves to us....But we can see the reality of it....It's their lose....
c
Numb
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Hey, Goldi... I feel the same way. My spouse is a "good person." But after what his ADHD has put us through (he refuses treatment), I am so resentful that I can't let myself get close to him. In the rarer moments where he is warm or kind, I feel cold as ice with my guard right up as you describe. I think this may be our way of protecting ourselves. If we let our guards down, we could - probably will - get hurt again. For me, there is so much anger and resentment built up over years that I couldn't force my guard down with a nuclear blast.
Since your husband is pursuing treatment, unlike me, maybe you can warm back up! :) But I wouldn't be down on yourself for how you feel now. It's likely justified and valid. Maybe after years of effort you've likely put in, you can't just come around because he's started trying. Maybe you need to see him put in persistent effort with real results for many months or years before you'll dare to let the guard down a little. If that's what you want and he is sincere, it's probably not "too late."
I've often fantasized that my
Submitted by barneyarff on
I've often fantasized that my husband would finally "get it" and through years of hard work (for both of us) maybe we could find some happiness and health.
But there is that inner demon that whispers "Go ahead. Trust him again. Even if he does well for years, if you let your guard down, he will turn away his hyperfocus and it will be as it ever was" I do not want to live the rest of my life getting cooperation because he knows I won't let my guard down therefore he has to act nice or I will again walk away.
In my mind a good person
Submitted by Libby on
In my mind a good person would be doing everything in their power to improve things. He would not be content to keep on hurting those close to him. These men we are talking about are not good people.
This is a really important
Submitted by dvance on
This is a really important statement you are making and I agree. It's hard to face the fact that I picked a not-good-guy but I did. I picked a guy who puts his own comfort over that of his wife and family-that is not a good person, that is a selfish person. If our ADHD spouses had lost a leg, for example, and refused to use a wheelchair or a prosthetic or crutches or whatever preferring instead to be immobile or have someone carry them, that would be terribly selfish and immature and odd, but that is kind of what an unmedicated ADHD person is doing. I don't think any of us expects our ADHD people to be perfect-I think our bars are pretty low by now!!--but they cannot have their cake and eat it too. What I mean is if they decline meds and/or therapy/coaching and insist they are fine despite financial ruin, messes, chaos and an unhappy family/spouse, and say "this is just how I am, I can't help it", that is actually not a true statement, it's a cop out. You cannot act like a child and be treated like an adult.
I will be thinking about this statement for a long time.
I like that
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
You cannot act like a child and be treated like an adult. I have never heard it put that way. So true.
I agree.
Submitted by Brindle on
I agree.
I'm so sorry and I wish I had
Submitted by dvance on
I'm so sorry and I wish I had more helpful things to say. I have been married to my ADHD husband for 23 years and I can honestly say I wish I had never married him. I look at him now and have absolutely no clue what I ever saw in him. I cannot recall any of the warm fuzzy feelings. We don't have sex and I don't care if we ever do again, in fact I cannot recall the last time we even touched each other in a platonic way. For me, I would never live under the same roof as a man again. If I ever end this, I am done. I would like to have a companion to do things with-theater, opera, symphony, dinner, events, things like that, but live with someone again--not for any amount of money. Not only because I am so tired of having so little control over my physical space-the messes, the clutter, the hoarding, the unfinished projects-you all know the story. I want to run my space my way. Period. I am done compromising. Even more than that, I don't trust my own judgment to choose someone else that would be a solid, truthful, adult. I am certain my own communication skills have suffered as well. My default setting is to not believe a thing that comes out of his mouth and I can only imagine it would take me a long time to NOT approach another person that way as well, which isn't really fair. I really just want to be alone. I have let my guard down and tried to recapture the magic and it always goes poorly for me--another lie is revealed, another woman is revealed, another financial disaster, something, so I just can't do it any more.
It's very difficult Goldy....
Submitted by c ur self on
I guess the hardest thing I've ever done is to give my self completely (in all areas) like I vowed to do, regardless of what comes back....And to be honest without Christ as my gulde and power source, I would not do it....
As a matter of fact, w/o Christ, I would probably be alone or married to women who desired me, like I do my wife....
I really have nothing for you except empathy....I know how difficult it is to work (humble our selves) past the dysfunction and continue to see only our need to not make excuses for what we promised to be to them...In good times and bad...
c
Impact of Anger
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
Their behavior doesn't bother them, so why should they make any effort to change it? I mean, our feelings don't REALLY matter. In fact, we should be feeling what they want us to be feeling.
My wife's rages seem to come out of nowhere. When they are gone, she seems to act as if nothing has happened and we should be sweet and affectionate. Meanwhile, I am left with all of the negative feelings her rage has stirred up in me--anger, fear, numbness, depression. Yet she expects me to go right back to how I felt before the fight. It's like getting my leg broken one minute and then being told I should be ready to walk without crutches the next. She just doesn't get the impact that her anger has on other people because it does not bother her. If it is not a problem for her, then it is not a problem and there is no need to fix it.
his attitude also applies to the lack of sex. Her sex drive is low and she makes promises of sex she does not keep. I tell her that it is better not to get my hopes up and then dash them, but she keeps on promising flaking out from sex time and time again. Here's a good one--it hurts too much because "we are out of practice." OK, WHY are we out of practice and what can we do about that? I feel like Charlie Brown--a gullible blockhead who always tries to kick the football when he should know that Lucy is going to just pull it away no matter what she says this time. My wife has failed to followup on her promise to get medical advice on her lack of interest in sex because she has not been due for her annual checkup with her midwife. The lack fo sex and the broken promises do not bother her, so it's not a big problem, right? She therefore did not see any need to call and make an appointment just to talk about the sex drive issues. Meanwhile, who really cares how Charlie Brown feels? He's good for a laugh.
I almost cried when I read this...
Submitted by Will It Get Better on
'In fact, we should be feeling what they want us to be feeling.'
One of my ADHD wife's extreme anger issues (I call them 'RSD Launch Codes') is when one of our family does something, even something she wants done, 'for the wrong reasons'. 'They should act THIS WAY because THESE ARE THE VALUES THEY SHOULD HAVE!' I attempt (futilely) to explain that each of our family members are independent thinkers and have the right to their own opinions or approaches to life (even if we don't like them). We agreed two years ago (at my wife's suggestion) to adopt a more 'coaching' philosophy (per Parenting Teens with Love and Logic) which actually worked well compared to the horrific fights she'd previously had with our first son who also has ADHD. However ANY agreement we have vaporizes if it does not encourage the rage (RSD) she expresses when she believes she has been disrespected/disobeyed. And that 'disrespect' includes her imagining the family member did not feel they way 'they should' when they acted. I have never figured out a way to easily 'talk her off the RSD ledge' under these circumstances and then her rage ramps up to be applied to me 'for not supporting her'.
even something she wants done, 'for the wrong reasons'.
Submitted by bowlofpetunias on
For my wife, this is "we have to be on the same page about this." She doesn't think something I am reading is appropriate for the kids? OK, I'll stop reading it. But that is not good enough. No,l I have to somehow demonstrate in my mind that I completely agree with the reasons she thinks it is inappropriate. Naturally, I can only demonstrate behavior, not what is going on in my head. So the fight goes on and on.
This one i agree with...
Submitted by Leo2115 on
My husband's anger and controlling ways are out of control. He will express and opinion and if I don't agree im an idiot or stupid. Like his opinion is a fact. I let my son walk out the front door in his pajamas to say hi to his neighbor friends for less than 5 minutes and you would have thought I killed his cat. "DO YOU THINK THAT IS RIGHT!?!? I BET IF YOU ASK ANYONE THEY WOULD SAY THAT IS NOT RIGHT!" he says. Ummm yes or I wouldn't have done it. I see kids in their pajamas at the grocery store regularly. I'm thinking.... He will not and cannot pick his battles. I don't sweat the small stuff and he sweats everything!!!
Goldy...
Submitted by c ur self on
I think we all have those days...I have to fight that...I've decided I don't have to be angry or bitter or out of love w/ my wife, in order to go separate ways...If that's the only way for us to live peacefully....
Blessing friend....
c