Most of the dysfunction in my life and in the world as I see it stems from this one quest, "The desire to be loved"....The desire for interaction, the desire for community. We are created to be relational beings.
When the serpent beguiled Eve, what really happened? Didn't the serpent cause her to question God's Love for her? Wasn't the seed of doubt he planted, about being loved? Wasn't it God is holding something "Good" back from her? So Eve turned to the one dark place she couldn't afford to go to find the answer; the place where innocence will always be destroyed...her carnal mind. The rest is history as they say. We all follow suit, and no one has to teach us either.:)
Every insecurity (destroyed innocence) I have developed over my life span, has grown, or been destroyed, based on this relational premise,"Our perception's of how we are Loved will always be connected to our emotional wellness or lack thereof."
The problem with being human and having insecurities, baggage, and faulty thinking is that we really don't always recognize healthy Love when we experience it. And our ability to give healthy love is always in question because of these same reasons.
By observation of innocence, nature, and children we can learn a lot about our own needs. If a Down Syndrome child will live longer and healthier in a environment of Love, security and social engagement...Why not us adults?
Psalms 103:14...For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.
Blessings Friends...
C
I will read this a few times today...It is good
Submitted by jennalemone on
"Our perception's of how we are Loved will always be connected to our emotional wellness or lack thereof."
Thanks c ur self. My counselor has asked me, "How willing are you to be loved?.... Let love come to you." She is wise and knows just what to say to me.
I tend to "work" for love. To be obedient, respectful and giving for love. People who act coy, sassy, and impish for love irk me..... I think it is lazy, manipulative and fake.
But how do I expect love to come to me if I just keep working in the background? People don't notice us in the background until we die (unless there is a loving union between 2 people in a committed love). And that is my craziness...to keep expecting love from a place where only impish game playing is deemed as "love". That is a one-sided form of attention-getting rather than caring for another person's well being.
So yes, in our circumstances, we must find and feel the love that God has for us to keep us healthy and sane.
Hi Jennalemone....
Submitted by c ur self on
(expecting love from a place where only impish game playing is deemed as "love". That is a one-sided form of attention-getting rather than caring for another person's well being.)
Many of us are married to people who's ability to Open Up to a vulnerable type of Love is non-existent. There is usually a reason for this; like the pain and trauma they experienced from past relationships (parents, friends, past marriages or other relationship attempts) where they made themselves vulnerable and the results (abandonment, abuse, rejection) was so traumatic their fear has closed them off. So there unhealthy improvision is all they have. In many cases they're not even aware. It's there safe place a place of self protection.
My suggestion is to try not expect what isn't in them to give...
C
Strength in the face of frivolity
Submitted by jennalemone on
When I was young and in school, I was sassy, flirty, a little obnoxious for fun. Now that I am older and wiser, I appreciate good conversation, intimacy, vulnerability, calm wisdom, assurance, and grace. When I see people in their 50s and 60s still "getting off" on being sassy and silly, I am "turned off". Young people might find an impish old person amusing, but their peers will be judging them as irritating. Not sure why I wanted to write this here.....just on my mind. I am seeing lots of old people who should know better acting like they are in a popularity contest (or vieing for social dominence) still around me.
DH, with ADD, has held on to his impish persona. He still flirts with EVERYONE and ends most sentences with "heheh". It leaves me sad. I had been in the company of his immaturity for a long time. If I act girlish, flirty.....it makes me feel like 2 sillies and it gets sillier and inane. If I try to have a mature and meaningful conversation, I get the response of "Can't you just let it go and be happy/fun for once?"
It is sad for me to be in a relationship where I cannot be silly or things fall apart. It directly affects who I am and how I am - when DH is always "happy go lucky" and silly. Not in a good way. He takes the joy of being secure and of MY being able to be silly out of me.
It's popular to say these days that other people are not in charge of how you feel. However, I know enough of Phych. 101 to know that "conditioning" DOES have an effect on a person. The aura of someone's "hehehehehe" has become a warning sign and I must be on guard for my own self respect.
Yet, I have been emotionally immature myself. Today I am learning about emotional maturity. This will take a mammoth effort in the face of living with my impish DH. I will not have tantrums, pity parties, blame fests, or crying jags. I will not try to change other people but step back and see who they are and see who I am when I am with them. I accept that life is sometimes hard for everyone. I will find joy from inner strength and beauty.
I hear you jennalemone....
Submitted by c ur self on
Fun?...Many of us can have fun, but as an adult it's not going to dominate my life....I hear every word your saying, it gets very tiresome when frivolity so dominates a person's life (esp. one your trying to make a life with) it's not worth the trouble to try and engage them in a grown up way...
My wife does pretty well when it's just us two...But, when she is around our 20 some things (add also) ...I find something else to do...When hyper focus sets in there goes the limit's, boundaries and filters...The reason I find something else to do...Mainly for two reasons...One at that point you don't exist anyway and secondly when two or three add minds or hyper focused on the same thrill seeking event and they can't drag you into it, something will always be wrong with you...LOL...
C
I walk out the room also
Submitted by jennalemone on
C, I am so glad you responded. Yes. I do not exist when there are other people around and DH feels he needs to headline the "show". And it is always an act, a show he feels the need to put on the face of funny man with lack of limit's, boundaries or filters. It is a choice I have to make to try to compete for some "air time" or be unseen. I find this happens whether the audience has ADD or not. DH was a traveling salesman in our early marriage...very independent. There is something he does that has come to aggrevate me sooooo.... he works hard for the "sale (like me, like me)" of any person "we" are talking to. And I can get thrown under the bus. He wants their attention over me like a game of competition. He leans in intimately, juts out his chin and his chest as tries to make his eyes sparkle with intensity....I guess you could call it "in your face" flirting with EVERYONE he talks to. He gets laughs with potty humor, sexual innuendos and sophomoric humor. Everybody's clown. Do I want to elbow in on his "show"? No, it is not my type of show....its louder and bawdier than I care to present myself. Doing all this while not financially or emotionally supporting "us" makes his laughter and smiles not worth much to me. And no doubt there are some women who are attracted to his show of "intimate attention" as he is quite free with it.
The maddening thing is that he thinks he is personable and loved because of this. He thinks I should be more like him...happy go lucky and care free. And sometimes I doubt myself in the shadows even though I know that if we both acted like that, I wouldn't like myself. I am a personable, congenial person but I don't like the mandate to have to shout down the competition to be part of the group....not at this age.
Just venting and trying to put into words for myself what my discomfort actually is.
That fine Jenna...we all need someone to hear us.....
Submitted by c ur self on
My wife's actions are much like your husbands in many ways...I honestly think the control and life of the party mind-set is based on insecurities...As a matter of fact I know it is....And her Add doesn't help either. I could fill this page with stories, but, we are doing so much better and it would just piss me off and I want to watch the Bama vs Florida game in peace...LOL...
I will say this...I am 58 and I've been blessed so much. I've always worked hard and loved the people God has brought into my life and put in my path...I've asked my self so many many times should I stay with my wife, and the answer always comes back Yes. She has forced me to be self aware, she has made me have to learn patients, long suffering, and has forced me to find my completeness in Jesus. Where I should have been looking for fulfillment when I married her....My wife deserves to feel and be loved and I want to do that with my whole heart. Because it a wonderful life when we love each other, and I want the same...I know things could be better and I know we could be closer if she was more at peace in her mind & spirit....But, she is who she is and so if I need to walk away at time so be it....
Blessings Jenna...
C
C... I Love To Come Back to Story....
Submitted by kellyj on
of Adam and Eve. I think there'ss a reason it's one of the first ones to be told? My take or what it impresses on me is always the same thing. Choice. That's what happened when Eve ate the apple.....we were free to choose between right and wrong from that moment on. As I took that and I read the things that you and Jenna were saying....I can see the choices that are made by you and your spouses in every example. I thought to myself..."waiting to get Love or wanting the kind you want? Or trying to solicit it from others like Jenna's H?" Those are choices. Another one is to give it in the exact way you want it and not expect anything in return? The waiting stops if you have no expectations but it is given freely? What I have found is the same thing that Jenna's counselor said to her......when you make that choice.....it almost always come to you when you do that?
Funny how that works.....the less you try to get it and the more you give it.....the more you get and the easier it becomes to give it?
All you have to do is change the order a little? lol I do like what you said and I appreciate the insight. It made me think of this and remind myself to do it more:)
J
Excellent J....
Submitted by c ur self on
Wise comment's my friend....To say it like my wedding Vow's said it....C you are to give 100% to your marriage, no matter what comes back in return....Her's said the same....And I made the choice to say I do....I had no idea I wasn't equipped to do that...But, the more I die, the more Jesus is equipping me....
You will have to forgive me for this part...LOL....Do you think it was an Apple? And in reality Adam and Eve were making their own choices before they disobeyed God by eating what God told them would surely kill them....Before they disobeyed it didn't matter if their choices were right or wrong, as we humans judge right and wrong....Because like a new born, they didn't know they were naked....
Plus God new we couldn't handle having a choice....44 people will be murdered (average in the US each day) today, because we have a choice....I sure have made my share of bad one's...
Blessing Friend....
C
Don't Get Me Started! LOL
Submitted by kellyj on
and thank you....and no....it' not an Apple in the metaphorical sense. You don't have to apologize for your part in that it speaks to you in the way that makes sense and is the same as what you believe. You can say it as a loss of innocence... but it can also be seen as a loss of ignorance too. Ignorance is no excuse for breaking the law....there will always be a cost associated with it on your end even if there are no direct consequences imposed on you by others.
Which is the other side of exactly what I was saying. Giving Love freely yourself....will only benefit you in the end even if the person sitting next you is not doing this themselves or giving it to you directly.
The choice is so simple.....give it....or not give it? That's the only choice you have to make. I think the error in our thinking comes from the thinking that tells us that's all we have to do.....just simply make our selection and that's all that is required on our end......then just sit patiently and wait for something to happen?
I think most of us forget the most important part......part II on the choice you make.......in applying it to yourself and following through with it in some kind of action on our part! lol (Duh?)
Can't squeeze blood out of turnip....and you won't get noth'in from noth'in. lol
Once you do start following through....the rest is easy and the results will almost always be good:)
I think the only caveat here is......that it is not "quid pro quo".....this is a mistake I think we all make on a regular basis in our thinking process? It's not just Love we want.....it's "unconditional" Love with no strings attached. That's the kind where you don't expect anything in return. That's the real deal. Specifically to what we're talking about......this is the kind you have to give before you will ever get it in return?
Jenna is right in what she observed in her H....he is making a fatal error in his thinking....if people appear to Love him that means he is Loved. Maybe for the moment while the party is still going.....but when everyone leaves he still left with nothing because he isn't giving it in return.....he's too focused on getting it and feeling better in the moment. Carnal desires? Correct me if I'm wrong here?
If you cannot give this kind of unconditional Love yourself......you will not and cannot get it from anyone else or at least.....not for very long. As soon as you stop applying it....is when you will stop getting it. That's just how it works :)
J
Don't believe in unconditional love any more
Submitted by jennalemone on
Hypothetical.... Let's say Sally easily gave unconditional love. Let's say she gives that kind of love to someone she is married to and committed to. Let's say Harry uses that naive unconditional love to springboard his own ego....as in....Gee, ain't I great? Look how this girl loves me...she gives and gives without my doing a thing! Boy, it's almost too easy! I can get away with having my cake and eating it too! Maybe she isn't worth my efforts if it is that easy. She doesn't seem to expect anything at all from me. Boy, I must be something! I think I will spread myself around to others, I'm such a great person!"
But Jenna
Submitted by kellyj on
that has nothing to do with Sally and her unconditional love and how it makes her feel to give it in this way (for you too as I was saying)....but it says everything about how it get used by Harry himself and his malfunction. Sally should not cheat herself just to spite Harry... out of getting the positive gifts it gives her just because Harry's being a dip shit and doesn't know what to do with it? (yet)lol
Maybe...he can learn it from Sally if she keeps setting the example? Maybe not either? It's still not an argument for Sally on her end to stop and cheat herself:)
J
Unconditional Love
Submitted by jennalemone on
I started to expound and hold fast to my stand on unconditional love not working - in my case. But I will be spending some time Googling Jesus and Budha writings the next few days. it seems these 2 guys agree with you about unconditional love. I'll give a report and my thoughts later.
Doormats are not happy
Submitted by jennalemone on
In a domestic union, there is an expectation, a partnership agreed upon to run a home and take care of the family. When we marry, we form a legal agreement that combines our FINANCIAL and administrative resources and responsibilities to make the business (yes, it IS a business with accounting and balance sheets even if they aren't "written in black and white).
I asked some difficult questions of a beloved thoughtful main-stream Christian minister a while ago (I was actually asking about his thoughts on homosexual marriages). He told me that in 50 years from now people will not "get married" in church. That the church has no business presiding over legal issues. He foresees church services will be a blessing sacrament of a holy, prayerful union of two people. The legal agreement between two people should take place in a courthouse where the agreement is in black and white and both parties agree to and understand the specific terms.
When I spoke to my present day minister about unhappy marriages, he said, God did not give his laws to make people miserable but for people to live in harmony. The holy union of 2 people is not meant to make one a miserable victim. God is LOVE. Jesus taught LOVE.
The Budha walked away from his wife and child in pursuit of the perfection of Nirvana (perfect unconditional love). However, he realized most of us in normal life with families to take care of will not devote ourselves to be able to arrive even close to "unconditional love" nor should we.
At this age, I get to sort out my knowledge and experiences and intuition rather than live life like a term paper, citing references of facts and theories, and I must find ways to come to terms with what I am willing to believe.
I believe that God and Jesus ARE LOVE. Budha (which I don't know a lot about) may have been able to have "unconditional love". But us humans cannot devote ourselves to it. We live in a world of family, responsibilities, emotions, and greed.
For me, a human being, I will not devote my life to trying to be a conduit for unconditional love. There are judgements to be made and expectations that need to be met to live harmoniously. Where there are no laws or rules, there is mayhem and confusion. We need to know what is expected of us. The idea of "no expectations" in any group participant is a crazy myth. Everyone has expectations and standards. That is just how the world works for us normal human beings.
Unconditional love, in some circumstances can result in one person becoming a doormat. That is not LOVE but a prison sentence.
Love and acceptance and faith......I can do that. But I am a human being with emotions and suffering and the ability for joy. I don't want to look back on my life and think, "Gee I could have been more happy if I just would have permitted myself joy and peace and acceptance and gotten on with my life rather than trying to be a perfect doormat. I must feel the love that God allows inside of myself and see the world as an awesome place with opportunities and growth and times of intimacy with other human beings....I don't have to try to be perfect.
unconditional love
Submitted by dedelight4 on
"Hypothetical.... Let's say Sally easily gave unconditional love. Let's say she gives that kind of love to someone she is married to and committed to. Let's say Harry uses that naive unconditional love to springboard his own ego....as in....Gee, ain't I great? Look how this girl loves me...she gives and gives without my doing a thing! Boy, it's almost too easy! I can get away with having my cake and eating it too! Maybe she isn't worth my efforts if it is that easy. She doesn't seem to expect anything at all from me. Boy, I must be something! I think I will spread myself around to others, I'm such a great person!"
I have to agree with the title you put, jennalemone..........Don't believe in unconditional love any more. Yep, that is me now also. I won't do it again, I can't because I don't trust myself any more.
I almost hate to say it, but I know this fits me to a T. When I think back to all the years I gave SO MUCH love and unconditional love, it seemed just like this quote here, that my husband took it all IN, and gave little to nothing back. Yes, I was naive, thinking if I loved enough, that was okay. Even if he didn't or couldn't show as much in return, "Well, that was okay, I will still love him because this is how I feel towards him. He was affectionate when we were dating, and first married, but it quickly dissolved. In fact over the years, he showed even less. And, he DID think pretty highly of himself, that he was SO GREAT, and others must think I'm so GREAT ALSO. But, they DIDN'T. In fact, most people didn't enjoy being around him, because of his runaway ADHD, hyperactivity, and so much focus on himself,talking a LOT about himself and how good he was with "this and that", with giving little to no time for others. He always thought he did more that he did, and made sure he told everyone just WHAT he did to make himself look better. Which now I know as a sign of a "weaker" sign of self esteem and of doing.
He also seems to hardly REMEMBER any of those years............all those years. I know some of that is typical of ADHD, but he was SO FOCUSED on himself and what he was or WASN'T doing, that he forgot he had a wife and children, because he neglected us terribly. And I was stupid enough to try to make it work, and stay with it. We didn't have fights or arguements like a lot of other folks do. In fact, we GOT ALONG really well, and have been great friends. The HARD PART is when our relationship NEEDS to be more intimate and AFFECTIONATE. It's THERE, where he just stops doing anything. It's really bizarre. I've got so many thoughts running through my head of how hard I tried, and yet how utterly stupid I was and am angry at myself for allowing it to go on.
I agree w/ much of what you say J
Submitted by c ur self on
The desire to be loved can really show our lack of wisdom some times. It can shine a light on insecurities that are have been born out of our ignorance in knowing what real Love is, and is not....Do you know how many people go to jail or prison thinking they have many good friends and people who love them; but for the next 10 years never get a visit or even a letter?
"Unconditional Love" now there's a term that is thrown around lightly in my opinion...Usually by people who haven't thought it through to completion....I'm not saying it don't exist, but, I believe I can prove their is a some kind personal benefit to most who give their love....
Sorry I'm stopping now....:)
C
Unconditional Love? What Is It?
Submitted by kellyj on
"Unconditional Love" now there's a term that is thrown around lightly in my opinion. But what is it? Knowing that I think is what I am trying to point out which is the most important part of what I am trying to say. I do believe I have made this discovery myself. It is not in an idealistic sense.....what I thought it was originally....but I knew it when I felt it but just didn't know what it was?
How did I make this discovery? By finding out what it was not first. What it is not....is what I learned by doing everything wrong and how I felt after I did it. Bad! lol
Strings attached? What are strings? Guilt, regret, anger, hurt, hatred, fear, loathing, insecurity, boost to your ego(pride), revenge, apathy, apprehension, confusion, embarrassment, shame, emptiness and feeling unfulfilled, disappointment.......and finally depression.
These things all make you feel bad on some level? If any of these things are involved when you give Love .....something is wrong....and it's not unconditional. No strings attached means.....NO STRINGS ATTACHED! None of these things will apply if you are doing it right?
Here's an example of unconditional Love in my mind and what happens when you give it......this just happened to me so I can use it now to illustrate.
My wife has an fear of spiders even thought she is not particular effected this same way by all bugs. My sister is the same way to an extreme and I have been the "Spider" exterminator for most of my life because of this. Normally.....I use to grab some tissue and smother them, squish them so they can't escape by killing them and flush them down the toilet.
Some where down the line in my career as the spider killer.....I started to observe them since they were brought to my attention so often and I started to watch them and marvel at their webs and how they moved around. For some reason..... I guess out of mutual respect for them and also just respecting their right to live....I began to catch and release them outside. I stopped seeing them as a pest....and saw them as just another living thing even if they aren't ones I want to live with in my bed for example. I don't like spider bites anymore than anyone else. I do remember when I was little however.....being fascinated by the Black Widows that I would find behind my Grandparent's garage and would go check them out when I was young thinking they were "cool". That and rattle snakes which also had been know to frequent my Grandmother's garden from time to time. My Grandmother would chop their heads off with a shovel and I begged my Grandmother to send me a "rattle" when I was little but she never did. That part was Okay.....I get not wanting to dissect them afterwards....but....I was still fascinated by them?
Anyway...not to digress too much only to say that I had an appreciation for them and their part of the food chain and nature in general. This goes for all animals in general. They have their "place" the same as I do as I recall thinking about this. What I found quite by accident....just by releasing the spiders instead of killing them was interesting. I simply felt a little good about doing it and I didn't do that just because someone said I was suppose to or not because I felt it was wrong per se to step on them and kill them when they were in my house where I didn't want them.
But more importantly to the story here......I had always felt a little bad when my sister or even my wife would have me come and rescue them while they were screaming at me to "Kill it.....kill it!!! aaaahhhhhhhh!" only because they were afraid of them. I wasn't afraid of them and thought they were kind of cool? Why do you need to kill them? Just because you don't like them? They're not hurting you or anyone else and they are actually really handy to have around. You'd have even more bugs you don't want hanging around for every spider that you kill. God's plan or by design of nature.....any way you slice it.....they're included too.
Letting spiders go by catching them and releasing them is an act of unconditional love. You love yourself enough to know that if you were a spider....you'd want the same from yourself and just be given the right to live and go about your business unharmed.
It's the act and the choice you make in every situation you can find yourself in that give you the feeling of either being bad in some way or good and you will either know it either way after you do it and makes these discoveries. No one cares that much about killing spiders including me.....but I found that every time I let one go.....I feel better about it than when I kill them.
This applies to everything I do. Creating love is a creative process. The possibilities are endless and even in these smallest ways.....it's all unconditional when you do it with no strings attached and you always feel good about yourself when you do.
So you see.....what i think unconditional Love is might be different than most people but i think this is my definition of it. If I apply my spider example to my wife in all respects.....the end results are just the same for me but in a much bigger way. Big or small however.....it's all the same to me?
At least that's my definition and how I know?
J
You know, for a LONG time, I
Submitted by dedelight4 on
You know, for a LONG time, I gave out what I thought was unconditional love because I didn't expect anything in return. That actually sounds silly now, but it's what I did, and what I believed. I believed in the concept of love so much that I believed that if you loved "enough" and "not expecting anything in return"....THAT was a good way to be, and I WAS like that. The problem did come when there would be times when I needed love, or reassurance, or some tenderness, a listening ear and some compassion. I also needed an occasional hug (without asking for it) a compliment here or there. I guess I started feeling "invisible" to my husband, because himself, his job and his life, was all encompassing to him, and there wasn't room for much else. I don't think that was ALL the ADHD, but, he just didn't seem to be able to have "intimate" relationships. But, he demanded so MUCH from me, and he was always "overwhelmed" with his life that OUR lives became all about HIS LIFE. What, he needed, what he was or wasn't feeling, what he was doing or not doing, what was happening to him at work and that no one appreciated him at his work.
It didn't matter that I admired him, appreciated him, TOLD HIM on a regular basis, how much I appreciated what he did, and I helped him in his work. In fact, he couldn't have DONE a lot of what he did without me. (maybe THAT was the problem ALSO) I knew he was different from other guys, and was even "weird", but since we had no diagnosis of ADHD, I just thought he was sort of a geek/nerd, which was fine, but he didn't seem to mature with age. He stayed "young" and seemed to always want to live his college years over again, and think of himself as 18 or 21 and not 30-40 etc. It got strange after a while. He WAS overwhelmed at work, and MANY things seemed to go wrong, (Now THAT, had A LOT to do with the ADHD) as well as him having problems with different people and/or situations that would come up. Our lives were always in chaos, our home was like living inside a tornado with him running from room to room. ( in the house)
There are many components to a marriage, and the vows we take are meant for both people, and both people take the same vows. I know he didn't understand what that meant at ALL. (after all these years of observing and living with him) He still feels that providing for me and our daughters was largely enough and that he is exceptional for doing that. I DO APPRECIATE that he provided for us, and always stayed employed etc., and have ALWAYS told him that. It was the REST of life that became a problem. A marriage can't survive with one person doing the work and providing, and then the other person providing the love and affection and attention. (that seems really STRANGE to me) But, (yes, I here is the "but" word) close relationships take more than being roommates or co-habitants. It takes love, affection, hugs, kisses, and GOOD attention to where you are putting the other person and their needs ahead of your own at times.
I guess in a marriage where both people have been "broken" in some way, there is a danger for a ton of things to go wrong. It does seem like there is a larger amount of people who have had abuse in some way, then finding an ADHD person as a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. (not all, but many) I do wish I had known about the ADHD, and how serious it is BEFORE we got married. It would have helped tremendously. But, with my husband, I believe there is MORE than ADHD going on. There is a host of other things he will not address or talk about in any way. And I'm tired of trying to get him to talk, or drag it out of him, or beg him, or even "love him enough to want to be different". IT DOESN'T WORK.
So, yes, my concept of unconditional love has changed greatly. Maybe it will change again, but I'm not in a place right now where I can make the best of assessments.
Press on Sister....It will clear one day!
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree with what you say DeDe...And to support it I will add...Our creator know's and knew that we all need loved, and that we would turn to Sin in many cases....All humans are needy people with fleshly needs...God's word teaches us (Corinthians Chapter 7) a spouse (all of us) should supply to their mate their conjugal rights...So if I push my wife away from need for affection the holy spirit will convict me of my sin in that area...The only exception the scripture gives if you both agree to avoid it for a short time while you or fasting and praying...
And our obligations to provide each other needs will happen when real love is present....And not only will we provide those needs, but, we will be thankful we are blessed to have our loving faithful spouses....
BUT, God is big enough to give us power over those fleshly desires when we are abused by an unloving spouse who deserts us in our need....And if we walk in the spirit he will keep our hearts pure enough to love that person even though they are denigning us what God said they will supply....
I've come to realize the one document that needs nailed up on ever married couples bedroom wall in large print very large....Is a copy of our Wedding Vows hand signed....Because there is so much denial and blindness in this world....And it's not because of a Fast Mind....But, selfish black hearts!
Hang in there Sister!
C
You Know Dede
Submitted by kellyj on
I cannot argue with a single things you've said. The only thing I could add to what you said ....
I guess in a marriage where both people have been "broken" in some way, there is a danger for a ton of things to go wrong. It does seem like there is a larger amount of people who have had abuse in some way, then finding an ADHD person as a spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend. (not all, but many) I do wish I had known about the ADHD, and how serious it is BEFORE we got married. It would have helped tremendously. But, with my husband, I believe there is MORE than ADHD going on. There is a host of other things he will not address or talk about in any way.
Where one or more people are broken going in....the relationship (or marriage) becomes broken itself. If that happens....the rules don't apply anymore. Something else is wrong then. I don't think you can blame that on ADHD and I think you are right....something else is going on with your H that either he is not saying..or he doesn't know himself. Something more is happening that just his ADHD? One person cannot hold up both ends by themselves. It takes two. If that's what you have been doing all this time....it like living in a vacuum. You may give unconditional love until the cows come home but it the person on the other side is not (cannot) receiving it, reciprocate it, respond to it and does nothing in return....you might as well get a dog or cat. At least living alone this way....your pet will appreciate everything you do. On some level.....something must come in return even if it's not done directly? I don't think strings attached means 0 response or showing at the very least...some form of gratitude once in a while? That is just like living in a vacuum. The idea is ( ideally) that the other person is living by somewhat.....the same rules?
It will take some time to get past where you are....but the one thing that nature abhors more than a vacuum is not being in equilibrium. You'll find yours again if you can just be patient enough....it will come. You will know it when it happens because you'll feel much better once you get there. The things that I was saying will apply to you more once you do. Hang tough until then:)
J