Do any of you feel that love is not in the air? One of the things I've found most weird is that my BF tells me constantly, in fact far too much, that he loves me. When I say far too much I mean at inapparopriiate times, like when something important is going on I have to deal with, like issues with fmaily, spending time with a friend etc, will bombard me with grand declations of love and gifs and all sorts that I can''t respond to because I'm doing something else. Ok the odd one, fine, but it's like someone yelling at me when I'm trying to do something important. It really gets me because it comes like an avalanche, I know if i don't reply it's rude, but I can'trise that level of emotion whilst hanging with my sick friend or guiding my young adult son. Why can't it be beforehand or wait til later? 

Or he'll say weird things like, I'm love you so much and I'm so happy you are not sleeping with someone else. (He's 50). I find that pretty offensive, I'm middle-aged woman - it's a pandemic - I'm not even mixing -- how the hell would I anyway? It seems nonsense speak to me. Big head messing.

But when he says he loves me -- I actually don't feel it in the air. Like, I always can feel things: you know when someone has something to say or something?I can usually feel the vibrations of love, or sadness, or angers. It's not that I've lost the feeling, because I can pick it up with others. Tone of voice, eyes, all that jazz.

So when he says he loves me, lately,when he's pissed me off or I tried to end it, I've said I really don't think you do. (I feel I am serving a purpose, but I don't feel the love.)

And when he has cried with upset, I can see the panic on his face, perhaps a tear. Then he gives me a sermon on why we are perfect. But I don't feel the sadness hanging in the air. Maybe it's because I'm baffled that he thought nothing was wrong even though I've tried to talk about it. Or we have talked about it at length. He'll say, we haven't said what the other wants. I think we do all the time, but it goes unheeded. It has really confused me. I have a grown up son and he saif the same thing to me the other day, indepentently of me. He is very emotionanlly aware and can sense people like I can, but we sense nothing.

My son asked if I thought he was a sociopath (I've even asked me boyfriend directly), because he doesn't seem to respond to the other person in a conversation, but rather stays on himself (and at the same time, it seems for a reason). But I think this adhd? Because he genuinely tries to add in tokens of caring and loving behaviour. He always seems joyous to arrive... then it kind of goes wrong.

I was so tired the other week from minor surgery and infection, I asked him to make dinner the next time we met (I usually do), it turned into a great fanfare, he was doing it because he loved me so much, he loved making me happy, he'd spent so much money on food (what have I done this past year? 3 timeper week, a couple of times a day?!!), and this was an expression of love. This went on for about 3 to 4 days leading up to making dinner, then for hours on the night. It was very very lovely. But also kind of broke my will. It was supposed to be something to make my life easier, but I ended up having to be part of it and cheerleading when i could barely get about and needed rest. And I get no recognition. In fact when I cook, he talks about something from 20 years ago and I say, it would be nice if you could actually pay some attention or interest to this delightful gourmet meal I'm preparing. 

It just baffles me. He denies quite a lot, missed details, insists on knowing everything about me. Sometimes I call him out and say he's lied about something, and he says he hasn't. But it's more like he doesn't see the lie, and denies to acknowledge it.

Sorrry for ranting, it's like it's all adding up. To...er... I don't know what.

x