My husband (who has a diagnosis of severe ADHD) had parents who were abusive/alcohilic/neglectful, but the one thing he valued was that they loved each other no matter what and stayed together till the end. So despite their dysfunctional, hurtful, abusive relations with each other, he believes love should be enough and no matter what happens you should stay with them until the end. I believe that if the marriage gets to the point where it's destroying one's well-being and happiness in life, and all attempts to reconcile those things with your partner have failed, it's time ot think about leaving, and that sometimes, love is just not enough.
Because his ADHD issues are severe enough to have taken quite a toll on my well-being (to the point of suicidal thoughts), I have for a few years inched closer and closer to divorce as he repeatedly showed no changes despite long talks and heart to hearts, and real intention on his part to change. At this point, my leaving would be a matter of survival, despite how much I love him. To him, it looks like I will never truly love him and accept him, and is so ANGRY that I would even consider leaving him, and that I should accept him and stay no matter what. He verbatim has told me my feelings on this were wrong, and I was bad for thinking it.
To me that hurts because I believe it's indicative of him truly not understanding how much his ADHD has cost me and our family. It has ran our entire lives into the ground. If you truly love someone, why would you want to keep them in such unhappiness? I would never expect him to stay with me if he was this unhappy. In fact, I have my own disorder, Misophonia, which can be a huge stressor for others, and from Day 1 I told him if it ever got to be unbearable, I would understand if he needed to leave because of it and I'd think no less of him for it. I would never want to make someone so unhappy.
So I guess I'm asking, is love really supposed to be enough, no matter what? Am I wrong in feeling I can't survive in this marriage and therefore need to escape it? I do accept his ADHD and that he will always have it, but I can't accept him not managing his behaviors to a livable point, and I though he agreed and understood that. But am I supposed to stay despite severe dysfunction, despite the cost to the kids and me? Where is the line?
Is Love supposed to be enough?
Submitted by Lost Wife on 08/27/2018.
Not from where I sit.
Submitted by CaliforniaGirl on
It is a very common message in our society that "love conquers all" and "family is forever" and so on and so forth. That with enough discussion, therapy, love, religion or time.. people will see how they are hurting the people close to them and that they will stop their bad behavior.
To me, these messages often do far more harm than good... It tends to put those who do have a solid sense of accountability, reciprocity and obligation into a position of enabling or co-dependency ... and allows problematic people to not have to be accountable for their actions and to continue to abuse, manipulate or otherwise take advantage of those around them.
I don't buy into it anymore, myself. If someone is making every possible effort to deal with their issues, I will help them to an extent... but not at the expense of my own emotional, physical, financial or spiritual safety and well-being. Accepting who they are is one thing, participating in it is another.
Just my opinion... I hope that's helpful. (hug)
Yes, exactly California Girl love is NOT enough
Submitted by adhd32 on
I could have written this myself. You cut through the BS right to the bottom line. Platitudes along with the expert advise of accepting their brain deficiency and limitations turns into enabling and codependency as you have pointed out. I do not recall seeing any mention of this anywhere from experts, they side with the ADDer and blame the spouse for taking control and keeping the ship on course by whatever means are available at the time of the crisis of the day.
Hyper-focus just seems like self medication of the mind to avoid prickly issues in life, similar to an addict. Is the spouse of an addict encouraged to be understanding? No? Then why on earth should the non-spouse be advised to be understanding and temper their reactions? Act in a calm and soothing way? Make accommodations for their ADD partner's limitations? Why would I bend over backward making more changes when ADD person is steadfastly committed to the ADD lifestyle? In order for an improvement in the relationship, ADD person needs to commit to change just like an addict or alcoholic. This is not a likely scenario for someone who can't commit to much other than his favorite hyper-focus (addictive) distractions.
Don't enable, don't remind, don't do his chores, don't fix things, don't smooth things over for the benefit of the family. How low am I supposed to lower my standards to accommodate his fragile ego? Screwing up and not getting things done? How about putting down that phone and getting off the couch to do the chores or the errand? Don't want to be treated like a child...then for God's sake, act like a MAN!!! I hate chores too but how can emptying the dishwasher be so mentally draining that dishes pile up in the sink for days stinking up the house (it is 90 degrees)...empty the damn dishwasher, I timed it it takes only 3.5 minutes to do! What is on that phone that is so captivating that life and relationships are forgotten and hours slip by, never to return? How about joining the real world where everyone has to attend to problems they don't want to deal with but work at solutions and move on instead of ignoring them until all hell breaks loose? How about working with someone other than me to figure a way to remember appointments or pay bills on time because my suggestion of keeping a visible calendar is too much trouble and annoying because the idea was mine and not his.
I guess the bottom line in all of this is that we were presented with one person and... poof...a different person who looks exactly like your partner shows up throwing roadblocks at you for the rest of your relationship. They will not change no matter how much love or duty you feel. It is all about self-preservation now. You either figure out a way make yourself happy in the relationship without their input and help, or run away as fast as you can. There isn't a third choice.
adhd32...you are spot on
Submitted by jennalemone on
This is it EXACTLY. Very well defined, adhd32. I look for words to define how it is between H and I over the years. It helps to see someone else write it out for me. You have said it very clear and solid. I too, was trying to do what the experts said was "right" as a loving spouse. Those experts were wrong in my case. Right now, I see my marriage as this: DH acts like an unaware, slightly mean spirited, independent teenager with a preference for potty humor. I had been trying to diligently prop him up (as the wisdom of the times of my youth told wives to do all the while "honoring" him). Now, my perspective has changed. H has a disability. I cannot make him grow up. If I am to stay here, I have to let go of my dream of marital partnership and become someone different than my natural self when I am with him. I have to find it within me to be wise and energetic and not be party to his skewed reality. I must cajole him, pleasantly, to cooperate with me all while not being pulled in to my wanting to "do for" him. Not letting myself feel bad or ashamed because this is the way it is in our lives. And sort of, without feeling. Is that conniving and manipulative? No, not after 40 years of seeing that being nice and blindly supportive DOES NOT WORK. I t hought he would love me for the support. It seems he does not even SEE me and acts like he is single. I will have to find dignity and worth without the benefit of husband's contributions...but rather in spite of the way my husband is.
Jenna I was just wondering
Submitted by Libby on
Jenna I was just wondering what cajoling looks like in this situation. Even with detaching it all seems like a lot of hard work.
Well said 32...Do you feel better now?..LOL LOL,.....
Submitted by c ur self on
( It is all about self-preservation now. You either figure out a way make yourself happy in the relationship without their input and help, or run away as fast as you can. There isn't a third choice.)
We must ask ourselves what is becoming of us?? (Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically, Psychologically) What happens to a person who chooses to stay subjected to the continual (day in day out) circumstances you've listed?? We must be honest with ourselves, or we are no different than any other person in denial, are we??
When we ask ourselves these questions, knowing we don't want to divorce, BUT, we are determined to live our life unencumbered from irresponsibility, and thoughtlessness...We will stop making excuses for them, we will learn to stop co-dependent behaviors that are solely ours! (We will take ownership of that BS)...We will learn how to live happily alone or with other friends and family...It's just NOT one person's place, to be a life cheerleader for someone who just don't care (but will whine and excuse themselves all day, if they can get you sucked into their victim minds) to do different, is it??
I SEE what they care about, (they talk about it, they pursue it) they take care of it...Don't you see it?? Do we want them to deny themselves of the things they love, and the things that they are going to pursue, if they are alive and able?? I don't...If my spouse doesn't hold her commitment to our marriage relationship in high honor (the place that makes her pursue something w/ fervor) then I don't want her by my side...And I would pack today, if I was going to not place her in the same place...She just isn't there (by my side) to experience the Joy of that kind of love and relationship...But, that's my deal...I just have to have a heart that is available....Yes 32, we can have a great life, when we ACCEPT that most of it want be with someone who chooses to not be there....Isn't it time for excuses to die?? I think so;)..
Blessings to all!
c
For me, love isn't enough
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
"Where is the line?"
I think the line is where you draw it and it sounds like he has crossed it, maybe long ago. I am in a similar position. Though I have not felt suicidal, my situation has led me to depression and other physical ailments. What a wake up call. Am I really risking my own health/life for someone who can watch me deteriorate and not change a thing/feel absolutely no accountability for his bad behaviour?
I don't feel love is enough no matter what. It is an easier call when there is abuse. (ie. "I have a black eye and broken rib... no, love wasn't enough.") But I think it is very difficult in situations like ours where the stress burns slowly and every day in ways no one but you and the kids likely see. Whether you decide to leave or stay, I think you should make that decision based on your feelings alone (and the wellbeing of your children/self). If YOU don't think love is enough, then it's not. Your very real feelings are "wrong" and you're "bad" for having them? That's up to you and you alone to decide.
If you are like me, you tend to rationalize away your gut feelings and instincts, putting other people way ahead of yourself. Today I asked myself how I would feel about my sweet daughter marrying a man like her dad/my husband in the future. A man who withholds attention and sex . A man who lets her carry 90% of the household load. Who doesn't contribute equally or reliably to the household income. Who leaves parenting exclusively to her. Who lashes out with cruel comments whenever he feels like it. Who doesn't clean up after himself. I would be devastated to see her in a marriage like this. So why is it okay for me?? I've finally decided it's not. Like you, I am still in it, but we all have our reasons. Mine include the fear that sharing custody with him would be very detrimental for our daughter. In this situation I can ensure she is given love and attention, healthy food, homework is taken care of, activities are attended on time, etc. But it's not okay and for me, love isn't enough. And to be honest, I haven't felt loved by him in a very long time anyway.
No, Love is not enough.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I didn't want to be a statistic. I didn't want our two children to have to go through a divorce. (Our son was 14, our daughter was 8). I wanted very much to make our marriage work, and not end u divorced like my parents and two sisters.
After over a decade of abuse, hiding it from our children, I felt like I was losing my mind. By this time, I had lost all respect for my husband, and couldn't stand to have him touch me. I decided that filing for divorce was my only option. Me ex had started showing his true colors in front of others, and I didn't want our son to think that women should be treated badly, and didn't want my daughter to think that she had to settle. I could not love someone who looked at me with contempt and had nothing positive to say to me.
That was 7 years ago. Divorcing was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make.
LOVE IS.....Kind...And many other good things......
Submitted by c ur self on
Love is never destructive or disrespectful....Love is not about getting your cake and eating too....Love is about serving our spouse, It's never about using them....When a couple (both of them) is truly acting out the attributes of REAL LOVE...They want be asking your questions...:)...There is a real possibility your husband doesn't know what love is....But, if he can convince you to not take his gravy train away, it's worth a shot....I'm no advocate for divorce, I hate them....
Blessings
c